


Tea and Sympathy

by mansikka



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Anxiety, Awkwardness, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Family, Firefighter Alec Lightwood, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friendship, Getting Together, Grumpy Alec Lightwood, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Injured Alec Lightwood, Injury Recovery, Light Angst, Lonely Alec Lightwood, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Pain, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Protective Isabelle Lightwood, Smut, Tea, Writer Magnus Bane, cafe owner Magnus, lonely Magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 09:04:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 106,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19742488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Welcome to the Leaves Cafe, the perfect place for tea and sympathy, and the making of new friends. At least for Alec and Magnus, whose awkward introduction is the highlight in their otherwise lonely lives. Can a former firefighter and an expert in all things tea find something special together that neither believed possible? Spoilers — yes; yes, they can. Here's how it happens :)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> __  
> *****update*** the lovely[lieselfh](https://lieselfh.tumblr.com/) has gifted me some beautiful pieces of art for this fic; they are in chapters 2 and 8. Thank you <3**  
> Hello :)
> 
> For those of you who have followed me to Malec from Destiel, you'll possibly recognise this story. So you know what's coming! I wonder if you'll guess/approve of which characters became which!
> 
> For anyone else, this is a coffee shop AU, only it's a tea cafe, not a coffee shop. 
> 
> The plan is to post one chapter a week until it's done. I know, WIPs are a pain for many of us, me included, but I can promise you this one is already complete and won't be abandoned. Come back in approximately 17 weeks if you want to wait until the end, or alternatively come talk to me on Tumblr/Twitter/Discord if you have questions.
> 
> Please be aware of the tags, please know in advance that Alec is recovering from some injuries, and please... enjoy the tea should you make it. Any tea mentioned in this story I have either made myself or had made for me.

**Alec**

Alec curled his hands around the edge of the car seat as he glared at the cafe Izzy was gesturing at, glancing back to her for confirmation he had the right place. When she nodded he looked again, a deep frown creasing deep between his eyes. She made him get out of bed for _this_?

"Izzy. No. No way."

"Alec—"

" _Seriously_ , Izzy?"

"It's a good place, Alec. I promise you."

"I don't care how _good_ it is," Alec replied through gritted teeth. "You made me get out of bed to drink _tea_? What were you _thinking_?"

Aware he sounded petulant enough to rival any of their kid brother Max's outbursts, Alec continued to glare back at her waiting for a suitable explanation, unable to make himself either care or stop. Izzy sent her most irritating, patient smile his way then climbed out the car, her heels clacking against the road as she closed the door and bent to gesture for Alec to follow.

Izzy waited without comment as Alec cursed and grumbled, slowly dragging himself out of the passenger seat with a constant string of complaints. When finally out he closed his eyes against the pain that licked its way through his body before straightening himself up against the car's frame as best he could.

A quick glance over the car's roof told him Izzy was tactfully looking in the opposite direction. Alec appreciated that privacy as he gripped tight on to the edge of the car to right himself better, blasting out shallow breaths that fogged up the window with the effort he was exerting trying to cause himself less pain. Giving a final curse, Alec dropped his head between his knuckle-white hands in defeat, resting it there with an exhausted groan. He listened to the clack of Izzy's heels as she walked around the car, tensing already for her offer of help.

Izzy only closed the car door that he had forgotten to himself. Alec shrugged away from Izzy's hand knowing she was about to press it against his back, watching in guilt as she then raised them both up in defense. Alec narrowed his eyes, making sure Izzy wasn't about to make any sudden moves, gritting his teeth against the pain still coursing through him before pushing away from the car. His hands returned to their familiar fists down by his sides as he turned to look at Izzy, waiting for the next stage of his early-morning ordeal.

"Coffee. I drink coffee. I need _coffee_ ; especially if you expect me to be _out_ at this time of the day," Alec added as Izzy let out a deliberate sigh for his dramatics and began to walk away from him.

On instinct, Alec pushed himself to catch up wincing for the stiffness in his limbs as he did. He held out an arm in front of her as they crossed the street when a car sped past, glaring after it. Izzy smiled for the gesture making Alec roll his eyes.

"Alec," Izzy said. The tone of that one word was enough to have Alec trying to race ahead of her to get away. It was that placating one that grated on Alec's nerves until his non-existent fingernails were digging hard into his palms, giving him a different kind of discomfort to think about. Anything said to him of late was incendiary. If his arms had better movement Alec would have folded them tight across his chest to add to the scowl he gave Izzy when they came to a stop outside the cafe. Izzy infuriated him further still by standing there calmly holding the cafe door wide open for him, waiting for Alec to go in.

Alec hovered stubbornly outside thinking there might still be time for him to make his escape. He gave a suspicious glance around the cafe through the open doorway taking in its sturdy-looking wooden furniture with deep padded cushions for the seats, and the four thick-cushioned couches in the back corner. All the soft furnishings were covered in a gold satin-like material, giving the cafe a sense of _opulence_ Alec thought it had no right to if it didn't even sell _coffee_. Just the thought of that _satin_ against his skin made him shudder, then left him wincing and trying to disguise his agony all over again.

"Alec. It's a cafe," Izzy said, her voice edged with amusement—and, Alec thought, pleased for it, a tiny touch of frustration. "It's tea. It's just tea, okay? It won't bite. I've been coming here since it opened. I promise it won't kill you."

Alec took another glance at the occupied seats filled with patrons as they tapped away at their laptops and tablets in between taking sips of tea, and scowled again. This was all so _unnecessary_. "Well, how many kinds of tea do they need to have anyway?"

His grumble lingered in the air as Alec finally crossed the cafe threshold, heading straight for a corner table where he would be mostly out of sight. Picking up the menu with an exaggerated reluctant sigh, Alec saw the many, many options available, and threw it back down in immediate dismissal.

"All kinds of tea."

Alec looked up to catch Izzy's eyes lingering over him, no doubt taking in the painful stiffness across his shoulders and his rigidness as he sat. He was grateful at least that she was doing it without making a single comment; perhaps she just didn't want to cause a scene outside of home. Alec had an idle thought then that he wished Izzy _would_ just go ahead and comment, give him something to lash out at that might take this constant bristling feeling away from him. But Alec knew it was only his self-destruct button goading for an argument. And since he loved his sister more than he loathed himself, Alec pushed the thought back firmly away again.

"I bet there are all kinds of places with coffee out there, too," Alec said as he nodded out the window, still needing to get a gripe in even if his mood had softened. "I bet they don't even sell anything here that's good to eat."

"Actually, they do." Izzy flipped over the discarded menu, pointing to the dessert section with a practiced manner that suggested how often she'd ordered from it herself. "See? I always get the apple pie."

Alec carefully turned to look at the counter deciding he could actually smell the pie out from where he sat. And for the first time since they'd left Izzy's house, Alec felt his face shift to something more neutral than the permanent scowl he'd had on his face since waking that morning.

"Pie. I'll have pie. It better be good." Another quick glance at the menu showed Alec there were more teas than he knew the name of. He closed it again quickly and pushing it away.

"And to drink?"

"How am I supposed to know with all these ridiculous choices?"

Alec's irritable complaint came out louder than intended, stirring up an uncomfortable flare of guilt. Izzy was doing so much for him, had already done so much. And she'd done it all without complaint or even a single snide remark, with endless patience for Alec when he had none for himself. Yet Alec was sat here acting more years than he wanted to count beneath his age, and still couldn't stop himself from moaning.

Izzy's shoulders dropped a fraction enough to show Alec he was getting to her but she let it go, and that tendril of guilt flared harder for Alec. "You'll get what I order then," Izzy told him, standing and walking over to the counter before Alec could object any further.

Watching her walk away with a sigh, the groan Alec had been holding in forced its way up and out, curving his shoulders forward in a slump that left him rigid and wincing. As he sat grumbling to himself under his breath about _tea_ and _sisters being a pain in the ass_ , Alec forced his thoughts to how happy Izzy was. Of how Izzy marrying Clary had seemed to be the final thing to complete her, and that if anyone deserved happiness in the world, it was _Izzy_.

Seeing Izzy happy was the only thing that kept Alec going in his darkest moments, which filled up his day more than anything else did currently. Knowing how much she loved her job as a pathologist in Cedars-Sinai—which is where she'd met Clary—and how content she was in her home life should be all the happiness he needed. So he should put up and shut up, and stop being such an ungrateful grump.

A sense of despair pressed down hard on Alec making everything heavy and too difficult, and for a fleeting second he wondered what to do to make the whole world go away. Izzy's return nudged him out of it; Alec cracked open his eyes to watch her sliding down into her seat with a thud and wiping a tired hand across her face before giving Alec a small smile.

"It won't be long." Izzy's promise was half-hearted, her attention clearly elsewhere as Alec watched her pick up a sugar stick to play with.

"Can't wait," Alec muttered back, then pulled a face at himself and wrinkled up his eyes in apology. Izzy, saint that she always was with Alec lately, just shrugged back. Which made him feel _worse_.

"Thanks again for letting me stay, Izzy," Alec said with a soft smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, no matter how sincere his gratitude was or how hard he tried. Because he was grateful, really, he was.

But if he allowed himself to remember that he was hundreds of miles from the place he'd always known as home, and that he had no place to go back to—and then why he had no place to go back to. That he was living in his sister's spare room just down the hall from where said sister and her wife were more than likely—

Cutting his thoughts off abruptly, Alec called himself an idiot under his breath, and as if to physically push the thoughts away, rolled his shoulders. Cautiously.

"Like I'd want you being anywhere else right now," Izzy replied, the speed with which the sugar stick flew between her fingers the only indication of the tension that was brewing.

"I know. I do. But—"

"Did you call Jace this week yet?" Izzy added, stopping Alec mid-sentence. Alec was pretty sure Izzy had already heard enough of his self-deprecation and apparently unwarranted apologies over the past few days. The look on Izzy's face told Alec she wasn't going to hear any more of them unless she really, absolutely had to.

"I called him yesterday when you and Clary were at work." At least _Jace_ knew when not to ask questions.

Izzy nodded, smiling up at the waitress as she approached their table with a laden tray that she carefully began to unload in the space between them.

"You must be Alec."

The waitress's words were quiet, warm, and curious. She set down of a thick slice of pie in front of Alec that had his mouth watering just for seeing, followed by a slice for Izzy, along with a bright orange teapot, and two matching cups. Belatedly Alec realized Izzy must have mentioned him to the waitress when she'd been up to order; the pie was distracting enough not to have him openly bristling at the thought being discussed. He was _hungry_. Perhaps he should have eaten something more substantial than yogurt last night and nothing else since.

Izzy introduced Dot, who gave Alec a cautious wave before clutching the tray to her chest and eyeing him with open curiosity. When he did nothing but scowl back she started an idle discussion with Izzy about the virtues of tea that had Alec zoning out. Oblivious, Dot rewarded him with another smile then tipped her head towards the teapot. "Give the tea a chance. I'm a solid coffee drinker too; chain drink the stuff. Until I started helping out here sometimes. This stuff's good. Honest."

Dot spun away from them without further comment, leaving Alec to watch as Izzy tucked into her pie with hungry enthusiasm, muttering about it being worth missing breakfast. Alec needed no prompt to follow her example, swallowing the first bite of pie with audible appreciation that had Izzy smirking and asking him if he needed a moment alone with it.

"Pour the damn tea."

Alec warned himself to save a good half of the pie to get rid of the taste of the mulch he was about to drink, mentally telling himself just how unnecessarily dramatic he was being. And of course, the tea was nowhere near as awful as he'd been expecting, which only pissed him off further. Izzy watched him with a knowing smirk as Alec took another sip, and another, her smirk widening as Alec frowned down at the cup. He was offended the tea wasn't thoroughly undrinkable.

"Told you," Izzy said, still with her mouth full and earning herself what felt to Alec like a well-earned glare.

"Still not coffee," Alec pointed out, though was secretly relieved that he hadn't had to run and find somewhere to spit the tea back out. _Running_ was off the agenda anyway, but he'd have found a way if he'd needed to.

"Because this is the Leaves Cafe? As in, tea leaves? It's kind of the point?"

A mocking repetition of _Leaves_ under his breath earned Alec a scowl from Izzy, who then shifted in her seat like she was warming to her subject. "This is just the regular kind," Izzy enthused, tapping her spoon against the side of the teapot. "If you tell the guy who owns this place what you need—or more often he'll just take one look at you and guess somehow—they'll make whatever you want."

"Will they make me coffee?" Alec replied with his biggest, most sarcastic smile, causing Izzy to roll her eyes in exasperation. Izzy looked at him in reproach as she finished her pie, sitting back with a contented sigh when done. She continued to watch Alec as she drank her tea, and Alec could sense a storm coming.

"So."

Hearing that one word from Izzy had Alec wanting to up and leave, run far away, anywhere away from Izzy, so very unprepared for _a conversation_. Not that Alec really had the energy to move just then, which was probably Izzy's plan in the first place. How dare she take advantage of him when he was at his weakest?

"So," Alec repeated instead, bracing himself and trying to second guess whatever Izzy might be about to tell him. How else would he have his answers prepared?

"So. Clary, and I, we've got a… family thing this weekend," Izzy blurted out, wincing around the word _family_ in apology.

Of all the things Alec might have been expecting Izzy to say, that hadn't even been close. Alec gave a tiny shrug of his shoulder to show that he didn't care, ignoring the strange twisting feeling in his gut on hearing _family_. It was useless to have any kind of feeling about it even if he did, because of course Izzy had another family now that Alec himself was not a part of; that's what came with being married. But he nodded again as though unaffected, waiting for Izzy to continue.

"So, you have the place to yourself for the weekend. We're heading out straight from work on Friday. Clary's driving, so you have my car if you need it."

"This where you tell me no wild parties while you're away?" Alec asked, smiling and allowing himself to relax a touch at the apparent promise of no lectures.

Izzy smiled; Alec immediately hated the way he knew it was a sad smile, and that it was sad because of him. "Honestly? I kind of wish that when we got back on Sunday night it would be to find you in the middle of something wild. Not that I ever want to see you doing _any_ of... _that_ with my own eyes," she amended quickly looking vaguely green, but also pleased to see the childish glee in Alec's eyes.

"I'm sure that can be arranged," Alec told her with a teasing wink that had Izzy reach across the table and go to slap his arm, but instead just rested her hand there and gently squeezing.

"Seriously, Alec. I'd invite you to come with us, but… Jocelyn is amazing. Val is too. It's just… I think it would be too much for you right now. They can both be a little _intense_." Izzy's expression was filled with an apology which Alec waved away, shaking his head.

"I wouldn't want to anyway. It's your thing, not mine," Alec replied easily, being nothing but truthful.

All those compassionate, caring eyes on him for an entire weekend? Constant careful questions? An overwhelming wall of well-meaning suggestions from people who were essentially strangers to him? No thanks, not in a million years.

"I know. That's—can you do something for me this weekend, Alec?"

Alec raised his eyes to look at Izzy, knowing what was coming and already planning ways to avoid it. "You know, normally, Izzy? I'm good for DIY and decorating. But right now? I'm not sure I'd be much use." For anything.

Izzy's lips pursed into a thin line of thorough disapproval at Alec's joking, that Alec barely resisted groaning for seeing.

"Like I would even ask you for that right now."

"Kidding, Iz. You remember what a joke is, right?"

Izzy's scowl was brief, gone quicker than it had come as she carefully avoided Alec's eyes. "Can you try and do something _fun_ for yourself? Like—go out? Talk to people? I don't know; go to a—a bar or something?"

Alec snorted, also avoiding Izzy's gaze, though seeing blurred images of his last time in a bar right there in front of him instead of Izzy, and rapidly forcing them from his mind. "Do I look like I'm in any fit state to be trying to hook up with anyone right now?" he asked, gesturing at himself just in case Izzy wasn't aware of what he was referring to. How could she even suggest such a thing?

"No one said anything about hooking up. Although, sure, if that makes you happy, do that."

"Right." Who would ever want him again looking like he did?

As though she could read Alec's thoughts, Izzy pinned him with a glare and slowly shook her head, refusing Alec his self-pity. "Don't. And I meant, _fun_. You know. Things you like doing for yourself. Stuff you used to do. Back in New York."

Alec snorted, his anger flaring irrationally angry out of nowhere. "Back home? Izzy. Back home I _worked_. I trained. I looked out for _Max_ when Mom and Dad were arguing. I took care of _Dad_."

It wasn't Izzy's fault she'd moved away, and most days Alec wouldn't even think of resenting her for it. But when Izzy had left New York it had felt like he'd lost one of his only friends along with his sister. He spent as much time as he could with Jace, but even Jace had his own life. Alec had nothing but the job which was the only thing he was good at, and a family that would be better off without him.

"You had Jace. You had friends," Izzy protested.

"Name one," Alec retorted. Because for as long as it had been since Alec had last done anything resembling the _fun_ Izzy was suggesting, he was even harder pressed to think of anyone he'd ever known well enough to call a friend; there hadn't really been anyone for years.

Izzy opened and closed her mouth, then tried a different tactic. "So go make friends. Here. You said you don't want to go back to New York. You don't have anywhere else to be. And I would love for you to stay here. It would be amazing having you more permanently around," she added with such an earnest look, and Alec was back to feeling guilty all over again.

Izzy was right; aside from Jace, there was little or nothing back in New York for him. Mom just got promoted and was throwing herself into work to keep busy. Max was enrolled in a boarding school so was never home. And besides, Alec needed to be as far away from New York as he could after everything. Alec's few possessions now filled a corner of one of Izzy and Clary's spare bedrooms, and there was nothing of his left behind. There was not a single reason for him ever to go back.

This small Californian suburb Izzy had settled in when she'd taken on a residency in Cedars-Sinai was a good a place as any to start over. And maybe when he was feeling better about himself, less weak and _pathetic_ , Alec might even be able to convince himself to go back to work. Maybe, when the memories stopped taunting him, allowed him to get a moment's peace; memories of—

Alec shook his head, refusing to allow those thoughts to get a hold on him again, and gave Izzy a false smile back. "So, what. You telling me you're happy for your pathetic older brother to be encroaching on your home?"

"You're not pathetic, Alec; you couldn't be further from. And you're not _encroaching_ ; you know Clary loves having you here as much as I do."

"Yeah. For now," Alec argued, surprising himself by draining the last of his tea without complaint or even prompting.

"You can stay as long as you want. But I'm pretty sure you'll want your own space at some point, right? All I'm saying, is that I'd love for you to maybe think about living here. And... maybe if you try to get out over the weekend, take a look around—instead of staring at the same four walls like you've been doing since you got here—maybe you'd realize living here could be pretty good for you."

So the words were out. What Alec knew Izzy had been thinking, and itching to say to him for days, was finally there between them. He couldn't argue; since he'd set foot in Izzy's place two weeks ago, the furthest he'd been when not under duress was to the end of the drive to take out a trash bag on garbage collection day. And even that had taken a lot of talking to himself to do before he could set foot outside.

The problem was that currently, there just didn't seem any point to going anywhere. There was nothing that he wanted to do, nowhere he wanted to go, and no one he wanted to talk to here aside from Izzy and Clary. Alec was happy to sit, either in silence, or with the background noise of the TV that he rarely watched, and let the world go on without him. It felt better that way. Right.

Of course, not all of Alec's days were like that. Some mornings he thought about doing _something_ to kill some time, thwarted when he rose stiffly from his bed, gritting his teeth in frustration at how much pain he was in and how long it was taking him to recover. Alec shifted for the spark of impatience in his chest for him to be better and over all of this already. To be doing something, taking this opportunity for what it was and getting on with his life; maybe even figuring out what he wanted from life now that it was his again to do with what he pleased.

The dark days far outweighed these brighter ones, however; some mornings it took strength Alec didn't know he had just to resist the urge to pull the comforter up over his head and not come out again. But he couldn't say that to Izzy. Izzy was already dropping not-so-subtle hints about _getting something to help_ and _talking to someone_ , and those were things that were just not going to happen.

It was bad enough dealing with all of the pain medication he now had to use on a daily basis. Even just the thought of regular check-ups to make sure he was recovering okay was too much; one session with a _shrink_ and Alec figured he'd be prescribed all the antidepressants under the sun or locked up somewhere. If anyone was going to lock him away from the world, then it would be _him_.

Every day he had to endure Izzy _fussing_ over his dressings, knowing his glib comments about her pathologist bedside manner not even enough to take the distress from her face for what she was saying. On the most difficult days, Alec hung his head in shame and asked Clary for help, telling himself to be thankful that she was a nurse and could handle seeing his wounds better than his sister.

And as for _talking_ about what happened, Alec felt walls closing in on him just for the thought of it. _Talking_ wasn't something he planned on having to do any time soon. It didn't help that over the past week there had been several nights when Izzy and Clary had shaken Alec awake from the most horrendous nightmares he had ever experienced in his life. If he closed his eyes he could still see the way they looked at him in concern just waiting to hear everything he _should_ talk about.

It also didn't help that Alec was constantly tired, and went from having no appetite at all to being almost ravenous without any apparent external influence. And it really didn't help that the pain Alec was in didn't seem to be fading much at all, that it was going on long after he thought it should be over—despite what his doctors back home had told him, and despite what his new doctor here had confirmed at their first meeting last week. _These things take time, Mr. Lightwood_ was a phrase Alec had never heard in his life until six weeks ago. Now it seemed that everyone was saying it to him wherever he went. He was _sick_ of taking time.

But instead of telling Izzy all of these things, along with all of the other things that were racing around his mind and preventing him from actually getting to sleep most nights, all Alec could do was give a half-shrug when she looked at him still waiting for an answer.

"I'll try," he said with another false smile, hoping it was convincing enough.

* * *

**Magnus**

Magnus drained the last of his cocktail looking at the bottles on his coffee table and realizing he'd had quite a bit to drink. Pressing back further into the couch and pulling his laptop up on to the pillow already resting there in his lap, Magnus allowed his head to fall back on the arm and stared up at the ceiling before tiredly closing his eyes.

It was Saturday night, and Magnus knew that if he checked his phone—not that he'd heard any notifications—the only things waiting for him would be suggestions from Twitter on who to follow, or some generic email trying to sell him things he neither wanted nor had any need for. He could go days without receiving a single message.

Magnus thought of Ragnor and Catarina, scrolling through his gallery to smile at pictures of his two longest, best, and if he was honest, only true friends. Catarina was working a double. And knowing Ragnor, he was already fairly drunk and up to something raucous. Magnus' smile morphed into a tiny huff of relief that he had turned Ragnor's invitation for the evening down. One thought of the bar he was going to with colleagues and _that_ look of mischief in his eye left Magnus shuddering in horror, his momentary pang of loneliness well and truly gone. This was, after all, the life that he had built for himself, so there was little point spending time wallowing in self-pity for it.

A solitary and only child, Magnus had grown up in a too-big house lacking much in the way of varied human contact since his father was always away for work. His mother had died when Magnus was young, and losing her had crushed his spirit in a way that meant he'd never truly recovered.

Either her death had shaped his outlook on life, or his life had provided the backdrop for him being like _this_ ; alone on a Saturday evening with not a single soul around. Magnus didn't mind, not really, and even if he did then it didn't happen too often. He had Ragnor and Catarina, and he had Leaves, the cafe that would forever in Magnus' mind be a tribute to his beloved mother. He had his writing, Magnus added to himself, defensive and then mocking himself for it.

Writing may not have turned into the career he'd occasionally envisaged for himself when he was in one of his more decisive moods; nor did he have enough writing work to solely make a living from. But it did provide him with interaction in the form of weekly conversations with an undemanding editor of an online literary magazine, and it was also both an outlet and escape for him; outlet in the form of poetry, and escape in the many half-started stories he'd written over the years.

Balancing his glass on his thigh and clicking between the half-complete article he was writing and a story he was adding a few words to Magnus typed rapidly, humming in satisfaction for his work. He tabbed between the two then reread his last paragraph and reworded it for a fifth time. The problem with having no real deadline was that Magnus needed to motivate himself. And since he was going through a listless period when nothing seemed to sit—or write—quite right, getting anything completed felt impossible.

Another gulp of drink, another paragraph completed; a further fleeting feeling of longing shot through Magnus making him wish he was someone other than himself—or at least that he was the confident, more outgoing version of himself that he presented himself as. Then he might not be sat alone in his apartment on a Saturday evening and would instead be out somewhere, with interesting people who were equally interested in him. Then he wouldn't feel like he was missing something in the world, or that the world was continuing to turn without him.

In his head Magnus visualized himself in a small bar with a small circle of friends, discussing whatever came into their heads with easy conversation, laughter, and affection. The thought of it all was so tangible that when Magnus opened his eyes again to find himself in his living room, his stomach jolted with the sense of being torn away, leaving him empty and achingly alone.

Angry with himself for allowing such self-pity, Magnus finished his cocktail in two large gulps and debated making another. He glanced at the time; Dot was opening Leaves for him tomorrow so he wouldn't even need to be in until late afternoon, and even then taking care of Leaves wasn't in any way a chore. Magnus loved baking, and making tea for customers, and in doing so having an easy way to talk to customers; even if the vast majority of their conversations revolved around tea and food. If it wasn't for Leaves, Magnus thought, shoving his laptop to the side and deciding on that further drink, his world would be even more painfully small.

But that was okay too, Magnus told himself, making that cocktail with an extra flourish, glancing around the room wishing there was someone to at least smile at his antics. Perhaps he should get a cat.

Magnus forced himself to stand, then paced his apartment with his glass firmly in hand. As he walked Magnus sipped his way around bookshelves and the few photo frames he had, before stepping out on to his balcony to watch the world go by beneath him.

He imagined conversations in the passing cars, destinations in the steps people were taking, meals about to be eaten and friends about to be made. Idly, in the way that often happened if he didn't keep a hold on it, Magnus' mind whispered to him about how good it might be to have someone stood beside him on that balcony to speculate over those people with. To sit beside them on the couch and share a drink with, perhaps feel the brush of fingers through his hair or a warm arm pressed against his own.

Magnus turned then, glanced back through the balcony doorway and over at the couch he'd been sitting on. He pictured for himself a faceless man to be spending his evening with; not really to scratch that itch he was insistent on ignoring, but to just be there sharing the same space, the same life.

Magnus' shoulders dropped under the weight of his loneliness. He squared them in an attempt to fight against it, deciding he would finish his cocktail and only one more then would drink copious amounts of water and take himself to bed. He may not need to get up early tomorrow, but that didn't mean he should sit up for hours growing increasingly maudlin. Nor would it do him to be particularly hungover; if he could haul himself out of bed for his usual tai chi, then Magnus knew he would feel better.

Deciding this was a good plan, Magnus walked back through to his cocktail table, repeating his promise of _just one more_ before sitting back down. He pulled his laptop back up from the couch cushions and tapped out a few lines of a poem that had just come into his head, switching a few words around before closing the document to read again another time.

Magnus looked down at his phone then as it vibrated with a new message. his heart sinking deep on reading Lorenzo's message:

_Magnus. Call your father. I remind you that I only put up with passing on these messages for his sake, not yours._

His father's _assistant_ , Lorenzo, had loathed Magnus since the day they'd met. Whatever schemes he and his father dreamed in his father's model agency—that Magnus was sure was a front for other things he didn't want to know about—were not his concern. And although Magnus might amuse himself sometimes with the thought that Lorenzo was little more than his father's errand boy, Magnus always felt so _belittled_ for Lorenzo contacting him. He did his best to ignore them both. Though Magnus had succeeded in avoiding his father for almost two months now. A painful _family dinner_ would no doubt be required to appease him.

Magnus took another gulp of his cocktail and quickly typed out a message to Ragnor.

_If you aren't too drunk to read this, I need you to come with me to my father's for dinner._

Magnus hoped it was dinner his father wanted, and not something else. Perhaps he should have checked first. He quickly fired off a message to his father telling him he'd be free the following Sunday. The quick reply to confirm the time unclenched some of the tension in Magnus' stomach, smiling at Ragnor's reply.

_But of course! You can't possibly avoid him indefinitely. You know he will only be more wounded when you see him if you do. I am most willing to come along; for the abomination your father is, he does know how to host a good meal._

Magnus smiled for the message, relief washing through him that he could always count on Ragnor to back him up in these things. He'd been coming to Magnus' _family dinners_ for years now whenever he could, far better at holding his tongue than Catarina had ever been. Catarina had met Magnus' father _once_. Magnus didn't think it would be safe for anyone if they met again.

_Thank you, Ragnor. Now, get back to your — whatever it is you are doing._

_Oh, I shall. And I will tell you all about it tomorrow. Save me a slab of that filthy fudge cake, would you? I'll be in at lunch._

The fudge cake was, in fairness, filthy; Magnus made the pies, cheesecakes, and the occasional more traditional cakes for Leaves himself, but the fudge cake had to be ordered in regularly because it was just that good. Ragnor's sweet tooth meant Magnus knew to order in even extra when he was visiting. Clicking his online order form open, Magnus wearily added extra fudge cake to it while it was still fresh in his mind.

A few more words were added to the various documents Magnus had open, his cocktail finished and the urge for another now gone. When sure everything was saved, Magnus gently lowered his laptop lid and returned his glass to the kitchen rinsing it out before drinking a tall glass of water, and taking another through with him to bed.

Morning came, and Magnus took a moment to thank at least taking after his father in the sense that he woke with no hangover. Though he did wake with a certain ache and swollen stiffness between his legs that despite his best efforts to ignore Magnus knew sooner or later he'd have to give in to and do something about.

Snatches of dreams with nameless, faceless encounters added even more to wrap his fingers around, along with ghosts of memories of touching and being touched. And with a sigh of defeat Magnus slipped his hand down into his boxers taking himself in a firm grip, closing his eyes to the small sparks of instant pleasure that gave him and letting out a soft moan.

Not that Magnus didn't enjoy sex, he mused to himself, watching the slide of his hand repeatedly raising the comforter for a few strokes before throwing it back and shoving his boxers down, splaying his legs wide and closing his fingers around his length again. Because he did, he really, really did. But when the most important thing for Magnus about sex was the intimacy, and his only real experiences with that turning out to be something of a lie, sex had become something to get over and done with. Either through rare one night stands that no matter how good they were at the time left Magnus loathing himself, or with his own hand, an experience that brought the necessary relief yet, even more, the reminder that something was missing for him.

Angry at himself for even allowing such thoughts Magnus gripped himself tighter, then grimaced for the sting of it and fumbled out to his side for the seldom-used bottle of lube in his nightstand drawer. The smoother, slicker grip was good; Magnus pressed his feet into the bed so he could rock up into his hand, watching his cock head repeatedly slip through his fingers.

With a splayed hand against the growing heat in his core, Magnus pressed his ass into the bed, splayed his legs a touch wider and skimming his thumb over his head. The resulting shot of heat pushed another soft moan from his mouth and then another still when he added a light twist as he stroked up.

Magnus continued to watch himself; the press of his fingers into his skin, his other hand in tight, warm slides up and down his cock, his thigh muscles twitching with every build of pleasure, and the way his chest rose and fell more rapidly the closer that he got. He imagined himself splayed wide open for someone to look at, the feel of their hands warm and sliding up his thighs. Their urgent words of encouragement, the gasp he'd let out on feeling their grip around him, the way he'd arch up from the bed and into their waiting mouth.

The thought of those wide, warm hands spreading him open sent a deep, aching clench right through Magnus then, and the memory of being filled quickened his pace, pulling his breath out of him in ever more desperate gasps. But the thing that finally took Magnus over the edge wasn't even particularly sexual. Warm lips grazing a path up his neck before claiming his mouth, arms pulling him ever closer, and sweet words whispered softly into his ear; that's what had him spilling, splattering a mess over himself that he took one glance at then dropped his head back hard into the pillow to ignore, waiting for his breath to calm.

That lonely feeling from the previous night crept over his skin and pinned him to the bed as Magnus had known it would do. In an ideal life, Magnus thought he would wake every day next to someone who loved him, who would sleepily blink themselves awake and lean in to kiss him good morning with an easy smile. Magnus would still have Leaves, though he would more often than not be found in one of its corners typing away at his laptop, writing stories and things that people paid to read.

There would be family that cared about him, a small circle of friends who he'd meet regularly and message throughout the day trading stories. And they would find new things to speak of when they met in the evening to share a glass of something in a small bar corner, or even an outdoor terrace.

There would be no grand plans for the future, but there would be things that made him smile to think about when planning; birthdays, days off, dinners to look forward to purely because he was sharing them with someone else. There would be vacations to take, and places to visit; all with someone by his side, someone who accepted Magnus just as he was.

Sighing at the out of reach future he'd conjured for himself, Magnus gave one final glance down at the mess he'd made and pulled a handful of tissues from their box on the side to clean himself up with. A few more seconds of bittersweet longing and Magnus was shaking his head in denial, dragging himself up out of bed and stretching, telling himself he felt _brighter_ about starting his day.

Magnus pulled on his clothes for tai chi, put on some music as he walked through stretching, and pushed all negative thoughts from his mind, determined he would soon be in a better mood.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Alec**

On Saturday morning, Alec startled awake to an overly-quiet house, lifting his head with a sense of panic as he quickly looked around the room. Though it hadn't been a nightmare that roused him; he'd woken much, much earlier for one of those, and it had been bad enough to leave his sheets damp and his skin clammy, while his heart threatened to leap from his chest as he tried to calm.

This particular waking was just as though something had prodded him awake, prompting him to do something that he couldn't really remember, nor why it needed to be done. Alec reached for his phone, half-expecting there to be a message from Izzy waiting for him, and that to be the reason for his sudden need to be alert. Though even before he clasped his fingers around the phone, Alec was groaning at the aching stiffness in his arms as he tried to move. He wouldn't be rushing anywhere, not even if he wanted to.

When Alec saw there weren't any messages waiting for him he let out a tired, heavy sigh, then dragged back the comforter with a grumble. It took an age to sit then swivel around until his feet were over the side of the bed, toes pressing into the carpet. Alec stood, pleased to see that moving was a little easier than yesterday had been, thinking it must be to do with having at least two hours of his sleep being unbroken. He'd prefer to have some consistency with his recovery, but would take what he could get. With a careful, slow stretch, and only giving a slight wince at the protest his body gave as he moved, Alec stepped into the bathroom to begin what had become his morning routine.

Deliberately avoiding his reflection in the mirror, Alec pulled off his t-shirt as quickly and as gently as he could, uncapping a half-full tube of cream to squeeze some on to his fingers. Still without looking at himself, Alec applied the cream in gentle circles, methodical and neat, just as they'd shown him to do in the hospital. As he waited for the Neosporin to dry enough to put a shirt on, Alec screwed up his mouth in distaste for remembering his skin's reaction to the Silvadene he'd first been prescribed. When he was satisfied that the cream was dry Alec rinsed his fingers off and twisted them up in a towel to dry them, waiting another moment just to make doubly sure.

Alec talked himself into looking in the mirror for just a few seconds, letting his eyes linger over only the things that he recognized. Once marked only by the tattoos he, Izzy, and Jace shared, now his body was an alien landscape that never ceased to make his gut twist in sickness for accidentally seeing. Alec focused his attention on the long rune-shaped tattoo on his neck, thankful that at least that part of him was intact if nothing else. He swallowed back the wave of nausea that rushed through him for catching a glimpse of his torso, closing his eyes and imagining it all away.

Gritting his teeth in anticipation of that tight, too stretched feeling he would never get used to, Alec pulled a long-sleeved t-shirt up over his head and again noted his slow improving mobility, pleased for that at least. He tugged on his shirt hem then both cuffs making sure as much of him was covered as possible, before cleaning his mess from the bathroom counter with a sigh of relief for the ordeal being over.

Coffee came next, which Alec decided made an adequate breakfast. He ignored the whisper in the back of his mind telling him to eat despite not being hungry, feeling nauseous again at just the thought of trying to eat.

Sat at the kitchen table Alec scrolled through the news on his phone without reading a word, feeling the silence of the house closing in around him. The fridge door creaked as it made more ice cubes. The coffee machine clicked as it cooled. Every sound was artificial and made by an inanimate object, leaving Alec to feel even more alone.

The previous night he'd been doing okay. Alec had cooked himself a meal that didn't involve just Izzy's _experiments_ , drinking a couple of beers that had helped him relax, and watching a movie that kept his interest long enough to make him exhausted enough to try to sleep.

But now, with the whole day stretched out in front of him, Alec found he was mentally climbing the walls, itching to get out, to _do_ something. He scowled at the living room as he walked through, dropping his head back against the couch when he sat to glare up at the ceiling. Alec blamed Izzy entirely for putting such thoughts into his head.

In defiance, Alec stayed there for a while, mentally painting Izzy's ceiling with swirls of color then fiery backdrops that would make the imaginings of Dante look like portraits from kindergarten kids. Only when he found himself mindlessly tracing the same circle over and over did Alec drag himself to his feet, arguing with the voice in his head telling him it was time to start his day.

Cursing out loud since there was no one to complain at him for it, Alec rinsed his mug and cleaned the coffee machine, frustrated that there was nothing else he needed to do. Alec forced back the feeling of bile that rose in his throat for the thought of leaving the house, pacing in circles trying to convince himself into it. More than an hour later he trembled in relief for being sat in Izzy's Fiat, closing his eyes to the bright red color of it. He was outside, but still in, no need to go anywhere if he didn't want to. And if he _did_ want to, well, then. No one could make him get out of the car. He could turn around and come back home whenever he wanted to. Alec allowed that thought to comfort him before starting the engine and pushing back the driver's seat as far as it would go to make room for his legs.

He drove the now vaguely-familiar route into the more populated areas of the town, rolling his eyes at Izzy's insistence on living in the suburbs away from anything _busy_. Once parked, Alec sat for several minutes bracing himself, repeating over and over that there was absolutely nothing for him to worry about.

Alec climbed out of the car cursing limbs that refused to bend, then cursing Izzy for how small the car was. He rooted through his wallet for some quarters and fed them into the meter with trembling fingers before he could change his mind. The sidewalk did that odd thing it did for him of late, lurching up beneath his feet and making him feel as though he was paddleboarding. But it righted itself after only a moment, allowing Alec to breathe easier and stand a little taller in relief. Alec carefully looked up the street in both directions trying to get his bearings before moving.

He passed a deli, a general store, and an art supply place Clary had spent so long in one day last week that Alec had needed to return to the car for feeling dizzy. A bookstore caught his attention, and Alec lost himself there happily for almost an hour. He picked up and read the sleeves of several books, stroking his fingers along the bookshelves trying to guess the stories from the titles. Alec stood reading every card pinned to a noticeboard by the door advertising talks, poetry recitals, and creative writing classes, before finally stepping back out on the sidewalk

Alec stopped to buy a coffee, looking the _Leaves_ _Cafe_ up and down personally offended by its existence as he passed it clutching his cup, heading into a comic book store that he'd seen and longingly looked at when Izzy had inflicted tea on him during the week. The store was everything Alec could want, crammed floor to ceiling with comics and graphic novels. He could almost feel his wallet thinning for all the potential purchases on display. But instead of buying everything in sight Alec made himself choose only a couple of graphic novels, and skim through just about everything else that was on offer. He then forced himself to the counter with a roll of old movie posters tucked under his arm before he could buy anything else, still wistfully looking over his shoulder for more. Izzy did keep telling him to make his bedroom _his_ after all.

The woman behind the counter took a look over Alec's purchases as she rang them up, then fixed him with a shrewd, analyzing stare.

"DC or Marvel?" she demanded, pinning Alec with a look that dared him not to answer. She wore large yellow hooped earrings that continued to move even she came to a stop; Alec watched them slow before lifting his eyes to her face.

"Um. Both?"

"Star Wars or Star Trek?"

"Again. Both?"

"Neil Gaiman fan?"

"Who isn't a Neil Gaiman fan?" he retorted, at which her eyes narrowed a touch more, and her mouth began to turn up at the corners into a smile.

"Correct answer."

"Uh. Thanks?"

"Do you game?" she asked then, with an air of something somewhere between innocence and mischief. The tone in her voice suggested that this was it, this was the crucial question she needed an answer to in order to decide if Alec was okay or not.

"Game? What kind of games?" Alec replied, shifting where he stood, uncomfortable under her gaze that had become more intense. Alec had the distinct impression she was looking right through him.

" _Game_. You know. PS3. X-Box. Risk. Cards Against Humanity. _Game_."

Alec laughed, relaxing and letting his face slip into an easy smile. "You're aware they're two entirely separate things, right? Video games and board games? But yes—to both. Not that I have a console right now, or have played anything in a while."

"Hi. I'm Maia."

Alec shook the hand thrust across the counter for him to shake, smiling for her enthusiasm and watching as she packed up his things. "Hi."

"We have a board game night upstairs here a couple of times a month. We're playing Descent next session. You should come."

"Alec," he said, laughing, watching as Maia slid a flyer from a small stack on the counter into his bag then held it out to him with both hands. Before he'd even closed his fingers around the handle of it Maia was asking him more questions. Alec spent more than an hour with Maia discussing the fandoms they were into, what the ship name should be for certain _ineffable husbands_ , and getting into a semi-heated argument about which Marvel movie was the best.

With his energy waning though feeling more like himself than he had done in months, Alec thanked Maia and stopped in the doorway to return her awkward wave. Alec took a detour to pick up a few groceries then headed back to Izzy's with a feeling of burgeoning optimism sitting in the pit of his stomach that left his mood light.

Maybe he'd only properly spoken to one person today. Maybe he'd spent the majority of the day pushing back thoughts he didn't want to have yet, hearing them repeat over and over in the back of his mind whether he made the conscious effort to ignore them or not. Maybe he'd grunted at the waitress who'd made his coffee instead of making conversation, and used the self-service checkout at the grocery store to avoid further human contact. But he'd been out, and he'd done something for himself, which was in Alec's eyes, progress; something that Izzy would very much approve of. The perpetual black cloud that sat heavily on his neck like a cloak had somewhat lifted, at least temporarily.

_Did stuff today :)_ he messaged to Izzy, after easing himself down onto the couch with a bowl full of his favorite pasta and thumbing through his new graphic novels, ready to absorb himself in worlds he didn't have to be a part of.

Guilt shifted to press on Alec's stomach the moment he let himself relax. He couldn't shake the feeling, no matter how much he tried eating to ignore it or how many swigs of beer he took to wash it away. Panic began to claw its way up his throat leaving Alec struggling with every mouthful, making him jolt violently when his phone vibrated on the couch cushion by his side.

_Hey, Alec. Just checking in. How're you doing, buddy?_

Alec rolled his eyes but was sure he'd never been so grateful to receive a message from Jace.

_I'm good._

_Izzy said she was away for the weekend._

_So… you're checking up on me?_ Alec wrote back, outraged and touched at the same time.

_Alec. I haven't heard from you for two days._

_You missing me?_

_Always._

Alec closed his eyes, aching for wanting the familiar company of his brother, wishing he could relive just a moment with him back when life wasn't such a mess. _I miss you too_ , Alec wrote back, quickly thumbing through the images of Jace stored on his phone. He'd be selfish asking Jace to visit; Jace actually _had_ a life to live. And besides, Jace was staying in New York so their mom had someone around still. A new guilt hit him then, but Alec couldn't quite make himself message his Mom.

_Maybe when you're settled we can come down?_ Jace replied with. _Maybe one weekend when Max isn't in school and Mom's got a couple of days off together. Only if it's not too much for you, though, okay? Take all the time you need._

Why was everyone so _careful_ with him, so _considerate_? Alec hated it, that _sympathy_ stealing the last of his appetite. He dragged himself from the couch returning the bowl of pasta to the kitchen because just the sight of it was now making him feel ill. He tried to reply to Jace, wrote out half a dozen messages, then threw his phone down the length of the couch, returning to his graphic novels though barely seeing a thing.

* * *

On Sunday morning, that same itchy need to do _something_ crept into Alec for a second time. Though the graphic novels he'd read had inspired him a little so he didn't feel quite as listless as the day before. Carefully digging through the two boxes and few bags he'd brought with him from New York, Alec pulled out an old sketchbook and a small pencil case full of drawing equipment. He traced his last scribbles on the front cover of the book with his thumb, trying to recall the happier moments when he'd last opened it.

Kinder memories than his usual came back to Alec as he turned page upon page of comic book characters and quick sketches of his family. Alec smiled at the reminder of pencil carbon staining his fingers, thick, pristine pages for him to bring things to life on, and an escape from the world around him into one he could carve with his own hands and command.

He should show these to Clary. Clary _loved_ art; in fact, if she hadn't gone into nursing she probably would have pursued a career as an artist. Alec smiled for the thought of his sister-in-law, letting himself picture the two of them drawing together. She was so much better than him, but Clary was kind enough to not be the kind of person who would mock.

_Art by[lieselfh](https://lieselfh.tumblr.com/)_

As he continued to flick through the pages Alec could even tentatively admit that he was reasonably good at drawing, even if not up to Clary's unattainable standards. Though he wasn't quite doing enough to silence the scathing voice telling him that after all this time, he'd probably forgotten how. That it had probably been more than a decade since he'd last drawn. Why would Clary want to waste any time on him and his so-called _art_?

With a look out the window at the bright, sunny day outside, Alec made the decision to outpace that voice, soon finding himself driving for the second day in a row. This time he headed to a park he'd passed the day before and wanted to take a look at but hadn't had the energy to stop. Sitting on a park bench beneath the shade of a tree and looking at the early morning activity around him, Alec allowed himself to breathe deep and not _think_ for a while. When he'd looked his fill, he spent a few minutes going through some of the used pages of his notebook, then sharpened a couple of pencils and began to draw.

Even with just the first few lines on the page, Alec remembered he used to lose himself in drawing, finding that with a pencil in his hand the noises of the park around him all but disappeared. Angels, demons, werewolves; everything that came into his imagination and anything that he could recreate on paper he sketched, quickly filling several pages.

Some were simple images, others had speech bubbles with single lines of dialogue, and others still Alec surprised himself with, because he had no clear idea of how they had even come to be.

By the time Alec had moved to three separate benches to avoid the sun and his hand was aching from the constant movement of drawing, Alec realized he'd been so busy that he'd worked up an actual appetite.

With a last flick through everything he'd worked on that morning, Alec rose stiffly to his feet, tentatively stretching and checking for his usual twinges and tensions, then headed back to the car. As if on autopilot, Alec parked outside the comic store from the day before, his shoulders dropping with disappointment to find that it was closed. He'd half-toyed with the idea of grabbing sandwiches to share with Maia, scolding himself for being so presumptuous as he looked the store over. Why would she want to spend time with him, anyway?

Scowling at the locked door denying him entry, Alec's stomach grumbled loud enough to remind him that he was supposed to be finding something to eat. He gave the store one last longing look then shoved his hands in his pockets, making his reluctant way down the small street. Alec was sure he'd seen a diner a little further along when he'd been out with Izzy. But as he searched for it his attention was drawn to a sign in the window of the Leaves Cafe announcing _Homemade chicken noodle soup, fresh today!_ that had him stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and staring stupidly across the street.

There was a Chinese restaurant back in New York Alec used to go to after work that was one of his favorite places to eat. Chicken noodle soup was his go-to at the Jade Wolf despite all the dishes on the menu. It was his comfort food after a difficult shift, and a warming one on a cold night. Alec remembered eating there with Izzy and Jace before she had moved away, and how Max had been so small the first time he took him there that he'd had to sit in his lap so Max could reach the table.

Licking his lips, Alec knew it was unreasonable to expect the same deliciousness from a place that wouldn't even serve him _coffee_. Yet his feet carried him forward anyway, heading into the cafe as though there was no conscious thought from his brain. Three of the eight tables were occupied as well as all of the couches; Alec took it as a good sign that each person at the tables had the soup.

Alec eyed the extensive tea menu on the wall behind the counter in suspicion, mouthing to himself the names of things he'd never even heard of before and not knowing where to start. Or if he even wanted to try. Maybe he'd just have the soup and leave, Alec mused, remembering the admittedly-impressive dessert counter from his visit with Izzy and letting his gaze drift to linger over that as well. Good. They had apple pie again at least, even if all they had on offer to drink was undrinkable. He could eat his soup quickly, and take the pie to go.

"Well, hello."

Or not.

Alec's eyes lifted from lusting after the pie to the face of the man behind the counter, and everything around him just seemed to stop. It wasn't just because the man was attractive, not really. Though within seconds of looking at him Alec was already imagining getting his fingers through his mohawk, and kissing him hard enough to smudge the kohl lining his eyes. Eyes that were kind, and seemed to spark as Alec kept staring into them.

Alec was shocked at himself. First for just how quickly his mind had gone _there_ , and second for realizing how long it had been since he'd been attracted to anyone. But what surprised him even more was the way the man looked back at him, that suggested already knowing and seeing right through him. Alec felt snared by his gaze but didn't want to look away from it, holding his breath against things he didn't want to reveal.

"Can I help you?"

Alec refused to acknowledge the way his stomach swooped for hearing the man's voice.

"Uh. Hi," Alec began to say, eyes wide as he tried to get his mouth to work. "I—I'd like the soup. Please. If that's okay."

The man nodded at him, writing on a pad on the counter. Alec's eyes were drawn to the polish glinting from his nails. "Would you like anything to drink? Aside from the soup, of course."

Alec looked back at him feeling dumb, his eyes flitting between the man's face and the overwhelming menu behind him. When he saw Alec struggling the man smiled, looking Alec over intently with his fingers pressed against his lips in thought as he did.

When he nodded as though he had decided on something, Alec let out the breath he'd been holding. The man turned from Alec, fingers flaring over a stack of teapots before deciding on a black one, then filling it with a range of things from an assortment of jars as Alec watched. He even leaned forward a little to try to read the names on the labels. Alec was fascinated, watching the practiced way he took an amount from each of the jars and sprinkled it in, tapping the side of the teapot lightly in a way that Alec presumed was to mix the ingredients together.

"You should sit," the man called over his shoulder, bringing to Alec's attention that he was still standing there staring at him stupidly. With a nod the man wouldn't see Alec stumbled backward, knocking into a thankfully empty table and apologizing to it before sinking into a seat close by the window just like he had the last time.

Alec forced himself to look out of the window rather than stare back at the counter, cursing at himself continuously under his breath. Now was not the time, and this was certainly not the place being one of Izzy's regular places to be lusting after the counter staff, Alec told himself firmly, startling as the man in question silently appeared beside him.

"I didn't even hear you coming."

"Well, that is unusual," the man said with a teasing smile, his eyes crinkling up with mirth that made Alec cringe with embarrassment for whatever he was thinking. He slid the bowl of soup directly in front of Alec along with two generous slices of thick white bread, and set that small black teapot with a matching cup in the middle of the table.

"This is a fresh batch of soup, and the last one; your timing is impeccable. Is there anything else that you might need? Or want?"

Alec tilted his chin over to the teapot, daring himself to raise his eyes to look at the guy's face up close. Which was a mistake; he was even more beautiful for it. How was Alec supposed to _think_? "What did you put in it?"

Alec's question made the man smile again, and Alec felt the sudden, overwhelming urge to want to say something—anything at all to make him keep smiling.

"I would suggest that you drink it, see if you like it first. And if you do, I'll tell you anything you wish to know. About the tea, or otherwise."

Alec awkwardly cleared his throat, his eyes narrowing at the offending teapot before looking back at him. "Anything poisonous, or dangerous in there I need to know about?"

The man laughed, a joyous, soft little chuckle that had Alec grinning helplessly for. "It would not be in the interest of my business to serve you tea that was poisonous, now, would it?"

Alec watched him saunter away before he could answer, his eyes falling to his ass before he could force them elsewhere. Though really, who would blame him? _Look_ at the man.

In an effort to stop himself from thinking anything stupid, Alec picked up the spoon, lifted it to his mouth, and took a hesitant sip. That first taste gave him the instant, distinct impression that the universe was messing with him. He stared back over at the counter watching the man refilling things behind it, wiping surfaces down, generally going about his own work with no second thought for Alec at all. Then Alec looked back at his soup and took another even more hesitant sip, not trusting his taste buds.

While it might not have been identical to the soup from Jade Wolf, and Alec acknowledging just how hungry he was, the soup was, in a word, incredible. So incredible, in fact, that Alec ate the entire bowl of it within minutes, wiping the bowl clean with the bread to get to the very last of it before sitting back, thoroughly satisfied.

Alec looked suspiciously back over at the counter once more, then stared at the black teapot in front of him as though it was challenging him with its contents. With a sigh, knowing that the tea was never going to be anywhere near as impressive as the soup, Alec watched as the green-brown colored water poured from the spout into his cup, pulling a mistrustful face at the steam rising from it.

He raised the cup, giving a quick sniff to make sure the tea wasn't going to be completely undrinkable then tasted, his eyes getting even wider in disbelief. Alec had been ready to dismiss the tea altogether. He'd been both pleasantly and reluctantly surprised enough last time that it hadn't killed him, but this tea? It almost tasted _good_.

Alec snorted at that thought, shaking his head thinking something must be very wrong with him to be even considering such things, and continued to drink. Idly, as he took small sips of the tea that was growing on him even when he told himself it _wasn't_ , Alec found his eyes drawn to the counter yet again, smiling as the guy reached up to add something on to one of the boards behind there. The taut pull of a deep purple shirt over muscle, the perfectly-fitting black pants, and a belt buckle that was bizarrely fastened at the man's back had Alec's full attention.

As though he could feel Alec's eyes on him, the man suddenly stopped what he was doing and turned, looking at him with the slightest hint of an amused smile. "Good?" he called across the now almost-empty cafe.

Alec looked down at the table before nodding, pretending to have just happened to be looking in his direction as he cast his eyes around the cafe. Belatedly he noticed the bookshelves overflowing with books, and some that sat on the corner of the counter itself.

"It's the best I've tasted in a long time," Alec replied, his voice carrying naturally enough for him not to feel the need to shout. Could he get in a question about the books he was seeing just for an excuse to keep hearing the man talk?

"The soup or the tea?"

"The soup. But the tea… _surprising_ ," Alec settled for saying, frowning into his cup before looking back up.

The man seemed to find this hilarious, nodding to himself and wiping absently at something on the other side of the counter. "The soup is from a family recipe. My mother used to make it when I was very young."

Alec nodded, finding himself both ridiculous and captivated. He stood awkwardly after draining his cup of tea and walked back over to the counter, glancing at the dessert counter as he set his empty bowl down.

"Something else?" the man asked, smiling at the returned bowl before looking back at Alec and leaving him unable to make any other difficult decisions, like _choosing_.

"The apple pie was good here last time."

Now the man looked even more pleased, enquiring if Alec had ever been into Leaves before. At Alec's nod his eyes seemed to sparkle, which Alec cursed at himself for noticing or even acknowledging. But then the man was smiling wider and saying _well, that almost makes us friends already_ , and Alec felt a twist of affection flare in his chest.

There was a momentary look of panic on the man's face immediately following his words, his hand jolting up to fiddle with an ear cuff Alec hadn't noticed before. Alec had to fix it, whatever was wrong.

"Alec," he blurted out in a hurry to cover up what might have been the man's embarrassment, and as though he had no control over his limbs shoved his hand across the counter for him to shake.

"Magnus." A smooth palm pressed against Alec's own in a strong grip that made Alec feel ridiculously giddy. He quickly glanced down at the glint of dark nail polish and took a little too long to pull his hand back.

"Hi."

"So, Alec," Magnus said, smiling to himself as he bent down to pull out the plate of pie and cut a thick slice. "You enjoyed my tea enough to come back for a second try?"

Alec shrugged, smiling with a touch of apology. "I won't lie. I was lured in by the soup. Usually I prefer coffee."

Magnus nodded as though this was the most reasonable of answers, then looked over towards Alec's table indicating for him to sit. He gestured again when Alec tried to offer to take the pie for himself.

Magnus followed him with both the pie and a kettle, topping up the teapot with more hot water. "Strawberry leaves for aches and pains. Lemon-balm for relaxation. A touch of chamomile to reduce inflammation. Fireweed, for everything. St John's Wort for... sadness."

In his head Alec heard a voice cautioning him not to trust this intrusion, telling him to be curt to turn Magnus' focus away. Alec told the voice very firmly to go to hell. "Why did you pick all that?"

Magnus shrugged, drumming his fingers on the edge of Alec's table as though he had no other place he needed to be. "You look like you needed them."

Alec looked down at himself then back up at Magnus, not believing for a second that anything in his tea would do him any good at all. But at the same time, he didn't want to cause any offense. "I—I do?"

Magnus shrugged easily again, continuing to stare back at him and stealing Alec's ability to speak in the process.

"You said," Alec started to say, staring back up at Magnus as Izzy's words came back to him about the Leaves Cafe, "you said _your_ tea? This your place, Magnus?"

"It is."

"My sister told me about you. That you make the tea yourself? Like… you look at someone and just guess what they want?"

Magnus looked pleased for Alec's words, continuing to absently tap his fingers along the edge of the table causing Alec's eyes to dart to them frequently in distraction. "I suppose that is fair. Although I like to believe it is more about knowing what the person needs, rather than what they want."

Something in the tone of Magnus' voice had Alec swallowing hard and holding his breath. A warmth stirred low in his gut that he quickly dismissed for fear of getting carried away with himself. He was so out of practice with feeling attraction to anyone that Alec was more than a little lost. Magnus continued staring back at him, though, and that warmth refused to go anywhere; which one of them would be the first to blink?

"My sister loves this place," Alec said when the spell had broken a touch, knowing he was finding reasons to keep the conversation going when it was unnecessary.

"She does?" Magnus' smile brightened even more, and Alec unconsciously echoed it.

"This is pretty much the first place she showed me since I got here." No need to mention that it had taken Izzy several days of persuasion to actually get him out of the house. His first visit to Leaves had been Alec's second time of leaving the house since arriving here. Clary had been more tactfully persuasive for their outing to the art supply store before that, by telling Alec he would be doing _her_ a favor by coming with him.

Magnus' tapping stopped, fingers paused as though ready to go again at a moment's notice, and his face morphing into an expression that Alec was desperate to be able to read. "You are only visiting?"

"Well. I guess I'm kind of visiting. Sort of living here. I don't know yet. But I've been here almost three weeks now. I don't exactly have anywhere else to go, so—"

"Are you considering staying?"

"Maybe. I think so, yeah."

"Then, I am sure I will see you again soon, Alec."

Alec watched Magnus walk away again without another word, leaving Alec to stare after him and almost forget his pie. As he poured more tea, Alec glanced up to catch Magnus smiling at him once again.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**Magnus**

_Waste. Failure. Disappointment._

If there were three other words so finely ingrained into Magnus’ mind every time he had to endure another conversation with his father, Magnus had no room for them. _Waste_ , because he was yet to do anything his father deemed worthwhile with his life. _Failure_ , because nothing he'd ever achieved could be considered by his father's standards a success. _Disappointment_ , because _let me count the ways_ , Magnus mumbled to himself under his breath as the pitch in his father's voice droned on. And to think he'd convinced himself that a text message would be sufficient, that maybe he could stretch avoiding his father to a full month.

Magnus’ means of disappointing his father during this phone call were not limited to but included his insistence on keeping up with the _charade_ of running a cafe when he could be set up in his father’s business, and his obvious reluctance to come over for a family meal. Why anyone would want to spend hours having their every fault picked over while being guilt-tripped into eating, Magnus didn't know. Even Ragnor's appetite had been tested at some of these _family dinners_ in the past, which Magnus hadn't thought was possible.

His father's phone call first interrupted his tai chi and then looped on repeat for Magnus, ruining his mood for the remainder of his morning and stealing his appetite when he tried to make himself lunch. It left him more indecisive than usual at the grocery store, and even before that led to an unplanned half hour perusing the books in the store just down the street from Leaves trying to distract himself. Though he already had more than enough books, many of them stuffed into the already-full shelves of Leaves when he'd run out of space at home. Magnus arrived at the cafe laden down with bags full of groceries and new books somehow still an hour earlier than intended, allowing a very grateful Dot to go home before she was due.

"You’re the best, Magnus, thanks," she gushed him as she rushed out, waving as she closed the door. Dot hadn't really been in Magnus' life for long enough for him to think he'd earned the right to call her a friend. But he thought of them as being friends anyway, even feeling an odd sense of protectiveness over her that put Dot on the very short list of Magnus’ favorite people. In Magnus' small world, any such addition was received gratefully and treasured.

Making his mother’s chicken noodle soup wasn’t high on Magnus’ list of ways to distract himself from his father’s ire. But today found him thinking wistfully of an always-warm kitchen, smells delicious enough to make any mouth water, and grabbing handfuls of long, thick, floor-length skirts as his mother's laughter rang out when she tried to tickle him. Magnus looked over his _indecisive purchases_ from the grocery store then and gave a wistful smile; clearly his mother had been on his mind all morning.

Should he cling to those moments as tightly as he did? Magnus regularly replayed every memory he had of his mother up until his eighth birthday, which was when he'd lost her, and the only light in his world had gone out. On days when the words of his father still lingered to whisper all of his faults, Magnus missed his mother more than ever. He needed a reminder of her, a tangible one. The only thing Magnus thought might soothe his nerves was a familiar dish and the memories he could recall with its smell.

The scent of chicken noodle soup soon filled his cafe, and the soup seemed a popular choice if how quickly he’d had to make a second and then third batch was anything to go by. Even the process of making it had gone a long way to fade Magnus' sour mood into one that was more manageable, and less self-deprecating.

Magnus was just finished taste testing what was going to have to be the final batch of soup now he was out ingredients, when he heard the door of the cafe open to waft in the sounds of the street outside. He quickly shook the excess water from the last plate he'd been rinsing, wiping his hands on a towel. With a curse under his breath for being _messy_ , Magnus hastily plucked at a splash of soup that had landed on his apron before shrugging out of it, discarding it on one of the kitchen surfaces in passing.

Magnus walked back out of the cafe's kitchen pasting on what Dot called his _serving face_ for his prospective customer only to have his mouth go dry, his heart flutter, and a distinct feeling of _want_ begin a traitorous creep through his core.

_Well, hello..._

Standing before him, looking up at the tea menu with the most adorable confusion on his face was a man Magnus found instantly so beautiful that he’d rendered himself momentarily stupid just by staring at him. Not that the man had even noticed him, of course, still completely focused on silently mouthing out the names of some of the teas listed on the wall behind Magnus' head looking utterly perplexed. Magnus let his eyes drift over the tattoo on the man's neck already letting himself imagine tasting it then cleared his throat before he could get too carried away.

"Can I help you?" Magnus managed to force himself to say, taking in the immediate look of _lost_ that was setting on the man’s face. He stumbled out his words before asking for the soup in a voice that should not have left Magnus gripping the counter in an effort to remain calm. Magnus tried to blink away the _stupid_ he was feeling, demanding to himself that he find some words.

That same adorable confused look overwhelmed the man’s face yet again when Magnus asked him about tea; it gave him the perfect excuse to look him over as though he was really studying him instead of so blatantly checking him out. However with only a quick glance, Magnus’ experience told him that the beautiful man before him was in a constant, low to medium level kind of pain, was not sleeping well, and had probably seen more than his fair share of bad things in his life. Magnus reeled in his overactive imagination from the many ways he could envisage himself caring for the man, ushering him away to a table before he could say anything he probably shouldn’t.

Over the next few minutes Magnus tried and failed not to stare, eventually giving up the pretense of being discreet hoping the soup was good enough to keep the man distracted from his _looking_. He watched every raise of the man’s spoon, and every sip from his cup with interest. And despite knowing it was most likely due to the loneliness that had so deeply rooted itself in him the previous evening, Magnus found himself fascinated. It had been so long since someone had stirred this kind of reaction in him that Magnus had almost forgotten the euphoria of just being attracted to someone.

Magnus continued to watch in silence, proud when he saw that both the soup and the tea had been a success. When the man braced against the table and pushed himself up to bring his used bowl back to the counter, Magnus had to keep his hands busy out of sight behind it; first to prevent himself rushing over to help him when he looked so uncomfortable, and second to stop his idiotic grin for the man's thoughtfulness.

A stumbling, awkward conversation followed. Magnus felt a need to find ways to keep the man talking, hearing himself blurting out several things he knew he’d curse himself for later when he replayed their exchange in detail instead of doing anything else. But what Magnus could already tell from just the few words they shared was that here was a man who was intelligent, probably very thoughtful, and definitely in need of a lot of care and attention. Which Magnus would have no objection to providing himself, already imagining all kinds of _care_. Then berated himself for being so inappropriate.

Again Magnus chased away the images teasing him, already cursing himself for his fumbling _that makes us friends already_ , though quickly storing away the name _Alec_ to ponder over later and thinking how well the name suited the face. When Magnus had run out of excuses to hover over Alec in what he hoped was not too a creepy way, he rewiped surfaces and restocked things that did not really need restocking, all to keep Alec in his eye line for as long as possible.

In fact he’d had to abruptly remove himself altogether on hearing Alec might be staying in the area, so Alec wouldn't catch the way his face lit up. Magnus even found himself relieved to be busy with a sudden rush of customers for fear of his treacherous tongue letting him down once again.

He did, however, have hazel eyes lingering in his mind long after Leaves closed, and allowed himself to hope that perhaps he’d earned himself at least a second—or in this case, third—visit sometime in the very near future. And if nothing else, thoughts of Alec occupied Magnus’ mind enough throughout the rest of the evening for his father's harsh words to be toned down to occasional background noise that could be easily tuned out.

* * *

Sunday bled into Monday, and Monday passed more or less uneventfully until Tuesday arrived,

announcing itself bright and sunny to accompany Magnus as he exercised on his balcony. Tuesday was Magnus’ favorite day of the week, and its arrival always made him wake with a smile on his face and a bounce in his step that got him out of bed with more enthusiasm than he could generally muster for any other occasion.

Tuesday meant it was Book Night in the Leaves Cafe. Magnus had always loved reading; for him there was something both magical and comforting about losing himself in the worlds created on the page. He could live a thousand lifetimes this way, a hundred times over if he chose to. And though Magnus knew such escapism wasn’t the answer to the loneliness that crept through him if left unchecked, it was a very welcome distraction.

From the very first day of opening Leaves, books had formed an important cornerstone of the cafe. There were several bookcases situated around it that were crammed with books, some donated and some discarded to add to his own overflowed collection from home. Often they were swapped with other books or picked up to occupy impatient hands as people waited for tea to be pressed into them instead.

Magnus always got a secret thrill out of bringing tea over to customers and finding them engrossed in one of these such books. Though he found himself lost for what to say in some situations, Magnus found making small talk about anything related to literature easier than anything. He would happily spend a few minutes discussing the books with their readers, recommending some further reading or even receiving suggestions himself. _See, father?_ Magnus thought to himself as he stepped out of the shower to towel himself dry. _My degree did come in useful for something._

Tuesday was special to Magnus because of Book Night. Right from that very first Tuesday following the Leaves Cafe opening, Magnus had hosted a book club there. He'd proudly put a sign in the window about it long before opening day, attracting a surprising amount of people through the door that first night.

The evening started around seven, Magnus' excitement for it making him plan everything in the finest detail; down to the color of his nail polish and the jewelry that would accompany his outfit, trying to subtly match the theme of that week's chosen book. He spent so much of his time creating the perfect facade with his clothing and appearance anyway, that stepping into his _Book Night_ persona almost felt like a night off. The one night he wasn't _hiding_ himself, but dressing almost as someone else.

In no time at all the book club attendees had become a group of good friends, and the club just seemed to run itself. They chose a new book with ease, sometimes needing several weeks to discuss it and get past difficult plotlines. Sometimes they tore a book apart and devoured its contents line for line, where on other occasions the book was merely mentioned in passing, as daily life and gossip became the more important topic of conversation.

As Magnus straightened up a couple of books on a shelf that were in danger of falling he was reminded of just such an incident last week. Or rather less of an incident and more of an _ogling_ session. Raphael, a long-time customer of Leaves—and like Dot someone Magnus liked to think of as almost a friend—caught the attention of many Book Night attendees as he ordered a tea for the road, purely for being in his police corporal uniform. He'd been completely oblivious to the attention, smiling politely on the way out and turning several heads, the volume of conversations following him rising in a frenzy. Magnus smiled for the memory of it, wondering when he might see Raphael again.

Magnus' favorite part of Book Night came after the reviewing—or not reviewing—of the club's chosen book. Once decisions were made over desserts whilst teapots were refilled, someone would inevitably press a print-out or a book into Magnus’ hand with a well-marked, loved passage, and Magnus would sit on a tall stool in front of the counter, waiting for his patrons to settle. The conversations in the cafe would fall to a murmur before stopping altogether, and Magnus would smile at his audience before beginning to read out loud.

He still couldn’t quite remember how it had first happened, though Magnus had a vague memory of grabbing a copy of a book chosen for the book club long ago and reading out something he’d found amusing, only to be met by a silent room full of captivated eyes asking for more. There was such power in the storytelling, and the silence of the cafe as he spoke instilled a sense of purpose in Magnus he'd never felt anywhere else.

Magnus carefully positioned the sign for Book Night in the cafe window, gave it another appraising once-over from outside to check everything was as it should be, and tried to guess what the first passage he would be reading that evening might be from. Checking his phone, Magnus saw that he had about half an hour before people would start arriving for the book club, so made himself a quick sandwich knowing he’d not get time to eat anything else after if he didn’t.

Because the universe was cruel, Magnus had just taken a large bite of his sandwich hoping to finish it quickly only to hear the cafe door open. He looked up from where he was sat behind the counter to find _Alec_ standing there, greeting him with a warm smile. Magnus felt his jaw stop moving and the sandwich sit heavy on his tongue, as Alec continued to smile back at him. Magnus belatedly noticed the woman stood beside him, knowing instantly she must be the sister he'd spoken about.

"Hi, Magnus," Alec said, that smile growing wider as Magnus swallowed his bite of sandwich with difficulty and attempted to keep himself from choking on it.

"Alec. It’s nice to see you again," Magnus replied half-convinced he'd blurted it out, swallowing repeatedly and feeling more idiotic by the second.

"You too." A flicker of _something_ appeared on Alec's face for a moment before he cleared his throat and glanced over to his right.

"Magnus, this is my sister. Izzy. I might’ve mentioned she’s the one that made me come here in the first place," Immediately Alec winced as though he regretted his choice of words; Magnus told himself he didn’t find that endearing at all.

"Literally," Izzy added, smiling in a perfect mirror of Alec’s own smile as she waved. "I've been coming here for a while now. My wife brought me one of your teas when I was working late one night, and it was like magic. It kept me alert all night, and I slept like a baby straight after. Which is why I’m here now, actually."

Magnus nodded quickly, happy for something to keep himself busy with, cursing himself for not having already recognized _Izzy_ as a regular. Grabbing small amounts of ginkgo biloba, ginseng, and ginger from different jars then adding a few pinches of other ingredients he thought would help for good measure, Magnus struggled to find something to say to them both. "Am I right to assume that you are you working late tonight, Izzy?"

"I am."

On hearing Izzy laughing, Magnus turned to see Alec looking up at the tea-board once again silently mouthing the names of the teas to himself. Magnus didn't find that cute at all either. Not one bit. Not at all.

"I hope not too late for you?"

"It probably will be. I think I have three bodies to work on before I can even think about going home."

Izzy's words sank in several seconds later, Magnus carefully putting down the teapot he was filling and turning around.

" _Bodies_?" Magnus repeated, his gaze automatically landing on Alec but making himself look at Izzy instead.

"Yes," Alec said cutting Izzy off when she went to speak as he beamed at her with pride. "Izzy's a pathologist at Cedars-Sinai. Came here for her residency, and they wouldn't let her leave. She's that good."

Magnus turned away again to prepare another teapot for Alec and hide his smile. Alec hadn’t asked, but Magnus was making him one anyway. He added little pinches of various ingredients that he thought might help with whatever pain Alec was in, as well as lift that slight pinched look from his face. Magnus was sad to see it was even more defined than the last time he’d seen him. The _only_ time he had seen him, Magnus amended to himself in caution for getting too carried away.

To cover up how _giddy_ he was feeling Magnus ducked into the dessert counter and pulled out the pie plate, preening for the way Alec’s eyes watched his every move. He had to remind himself Alec's attention was probably for the pie, and not for himself as he cut two large slices, sliding them into a takeout box.

"I don't suppose you know a Catarina Loss, do you, Izzy?"

"No. I don't."

"Well," Magnus said as he pushed the pie dish back into the counter. "Catarina also works at Cedars-Sinai. She is an ER doctor there."

"I'll ask Clary," Izzy told him, smiling when Magnus looked back across the counter. "What's this?"

"A gift for you having to work so late," he said as he pushed the box across the counter.

A few more minutes of idle conversation continued, during which Magnus discovered a little more about Alec. He learned Alec was currently living with Izzy and had no real urgency to find a place of his own, and that he was taking some time off of work—although the subject of what Alec did for a living was deftly avoided by both Alec and Izzy. Magnus also learned that Alec’s plans for the evening involved going to the hospital with Izzy so he could have dinner with Izzy's wife when she was on break, and that he was planning on waiting so he could drive them both home.

Magnus found that he was storing all of this information away. Each little fact just compounded his crush leaving him giddy and silly, and with an uncharacteristically permanent smile on his face.

"So, Magnus; what’s with the sign in the window? _Book Night_?" Alec asked, tilting his head in the sign’s direction and fixing Magnus with a smile that had him holding his breath.

"Book Night," Magnus confirmed. "There is an informal book club here on Tuesday nights followed by some… readings." Magnus felt his face heating up and his words came to a stop, tapping his fingers against the side of the counter just for something to do to distract himself. His stomach gave an odd, excited jolt for the thought of having to read in front of Alec.

"Magnus has this place under some kind of spell, I swear."

Magnus glanced at Izzy for her words wondering was mocking him, but finding instead nothing but genuine warmth in her smile. Alec looked between the two of them waiting for an explanation.

"Doing what?" he asked when neither of them spoke.

"People come here and just… hand over books and poems for him to read out," Izzy said, nodding at Magnus. "Everyone sits here sort of… mesmerized."

"You've been here to see... that?" Magnus asked, his voice catching as he spoke.

"Twice," Izzy told him. "You even convinced Clary to read some poetry after she heard you in here."

Alec snorted, shaking his head in disbelief. Magnus was crushed at the thought of Alec laughing at something he loved so much.

"Seriously?" Alec said. "Magnus. There has to be something special about you if you convinced Clary _my-idea-of-a-book-is-a-picture-book_ to read something unprovoked. Seriously. How?"

The tension Magnus had found building in his stomach instantly slipped away under Alec’s look of obvious admiration. Magnus sternly reminded himself it was purely for the reading, and not admiration of anything else.

"I’ll tell her you said that," Izzy told Alec with a gentle nudge into his side that Magnus’ trained eye could tell was usually a lot rougher. Magnus had to stop himself from asking Alec about the injury that caused him to hold himself the way he did. Instead Magnus handed over the tea in a cup holder smiling at them both and quietly thanking Izzy as she held out her card to pay.

"Izzy. I hope you will not be working too late," Magnus said, watching Izzy let out a long sigh.

"You and me both. Thanks, Magnus," Izzy replied, tilting her head in Alec’s direction. "Maybe we’ll come back for Book Night sometime."

There was a look that passed between Izzy and Alec then that Magnus was desperate to interpret but couldn't. Instead he smiled brightly, wished them both a good evening, letting

his eyes drift down Alec’s back to his ass as he watched them leave. Crushes, Magnus told himself wearily as he sagged back behind the counter, were unwanted, uncomfortable, and unlikely to do him any favors. Though if he was going to find himself a little senseless for a time, Magnus couldn't imagine a better person to be crushing on currently than _Alec_.

Thankfully for his wandering mind, the first few people started to trickle in for the book club then. Magnus busied himself with taking orders, forcing himself not to think about hazel eyes and a smile that he wished was all for him.

* * *

It was Saturday before Magnus saw Alec in person again, though he had already spent a lot of time occupying Magnus' mind in the days before. Magnus looked up from behind the counter, surprised to find Alec staring down at him where he sat sorting out labels for his teas. He hadn't even heard the doorbell.

Magnus had never really intended to sell his tea for other people to prepare at home, but every now and then one of his regulars would ask for a small gift basket, and Magnus couldn’t help doing exactly as they asked of him. He even allowed himself a little surge of pride each time they did.

Magnus' fingers stilled over the packaging which crinkled a little under the sudden tension in his hand as he cleared his throat, attempting to speak without his voice squeaking. "Hello, Alec."

"Hey, Magnus."

"Have I successfully converted you to drinking tea?" Magnus asked, his voice laced with mirth as he pressed his palms flat against the counter and pushed himself to his feet.

Alec laughed, the slightest flare of pink touching his cheeks; Magnus forced himself to look elsewhere. "I'm afraid not, Magnus. I mean, it's good tea, you know? It’s just not—"

"Coffee?" Magnus finished for him, cursing himself for the idiotic smile he felt creeping across his face.

"Yeah."

"I have a confession to make, Alec," Magnus told him needing to keep that sweet smile on Alec's face for as long as he could. He leaned across the counter as though about to reveal a deep, disturbing secret. Magnus’ heart gave a hard thud as Alec too leaned in, as though he was desperate to hear whatever Magnus had to say.

"What is it?"

"I also drink coffee," Magnus whispered, putting one finger to his mouth to hold in the secret and a giving wink that came completely of its own accord.

This time, Alec’s head fell back as he gave out a hearty laugh, gripping his hands around the counter and grinning at him. Magnus’ heart jolted again, more rapidly this time. "Isn’t that, like…

blasphemous or something around here?" Alec teased him, his fingers then steepling together across the counter after absently straightening up a couple of the books there that had looked in danger of falling.

Magnus gave a sad nod, pursing his lips together as though he was genuinely contrite. "They will take away my tea license if they find out. I trust that this will go no further?"

"...there’s a tea license?"

This time it was Magnus’ turn to snort with laughter, and the smile Alec gave him on hearing it had Magnus catching his breath.

"Okay, yeah; I'm an idiot. So how come you don’t just… sell coffee here too?"

Magnus tried not to preen under Alec’s scrutiny, bringing his own hands up to steeple on the counter, aware of the small gap between his own hands and Alec’s. "I wanted to focus on the tea."

"Well. I won't pretend I get it. But okay, Magnus," Alec told him easily, then straightened back up with a smile and lightly pressed his hands together. "So."

"So," Magnus repeated, willing his heart to stop its fluttering; what was it about this man that was making him feel so _giddy_?

"I need you to work your magic, Magnus," Alec told him, leaning in once more and making Magnus' heart thrum.

"What do you need?" Magnus went into full professional mode, looking Alec up and down, searching out the root of his problems. Which he definitely was going to resist asking about. Again.

"Clary. My sister-in-law? She’s on a sixteen-hour shift and says she has a headache from hell. Izzy’s stuck at work too, so she won’t get time to get down here on her break. She tells me you make a tea that clears up her headache every single time?"

Magnus nodded, spinning away and into immediate action, muttering out loud. "Chamomile, ginger root, dried plums, and peppermint with green tea. Something for yourself?"

Magnus heard Alec clear his throat behind him and turned back briefly, giving him a knowing smile.

"You are going for coffee the moment you leave here."

"...Yeah. I—"

"No," Magnus cut him off in a tone that was mock-wounded, "I understand. You come in here, and eat my pie—"

"I’ll take a slice of pie," Alec added quickly; Magnus grinned to himself but kept his eyes firmly on the tea he was preparing before turning back and pulling the pie from the display counter. "I’ll… eat it here."

Bringing up a plate from the counter to slide the pie on to, Magnus pushed it across in front of Alec along with a fork, and turned back to his tea-making.

"What are you doing this weekend besides being kind to your sister-in-law?" Magnus asked, returning to Alec as the tea brewed behind him. He couldn't help notice the slight stoop of Alec's body and the bags under his eyes.

"Honestly? I'll probably just cook something for Izzy and Clary to heat up when they get back later tonight. Maybe I'll try catching up on sleep since that’s not happening much for me lately," Alec added in a softer tone that sounded more for himself than for Magnus.

With only a second’s hesitation, Magnus grabbed one of the bags he had been filling, filling it a few of the flowers and herbs he knew would help and dropping it down in front of Alec. "Lemon balm. Dried apple. St John’s Wort. Chamomile. Valerian. Things which should help you sleep. Make a cup about a half hour before you intend to go to bed; it should make falling asleep easier."

For a moment Magnus thought that Alec was going to turn him down, and told himself not to be disappointed. He watched as Alec pinched up the small packet between his fingers and brought it up to his face to inspect its contents, looking doubtfully over the top of it at Magnus after taking a sniff.

"Thanks, Magnus. This stuff really works?"

Magnus shrugged, turning back and pouring the tea for Alec’s sister-in-law into a take-out cup, sliding it inside another to insulate it. When the lid was secure, Magnus decided to be brave. "You should come back and tell me."

Alec’s smile then had Magnus’ stomach clenching with excitement. "I will."

The aftermath of the wink Alec gave him as he was leaving was still on Magnus’ face when Catarina arrived. The corners of her mouth twitched upward as she folded her arms tightly across her chest, studying Magnus shrewdly from across the counter. Magnus swallowed in discomfort for it, attempting to fool himself into believing she wouldn't know anything was wrong.

"I know that look," Catarina told him, tease dripping from every word as Magnus squirmed and thought of ways to try to deny it. He didn’t even have it in him to really try though; Catarina knew him better than anyone else in the world. There would be no hiding it once she knew.

"What look?" he said anyway, wincing at the squeak in his voice as he made himself unnecessarily busy. He wanted to make sure everything was fully stocked for Dot since she would be closing the cafe that day, and it was a perfect excuse to avoid Catarina's eyes.

"The _I’m up to something and I’ve no way of hiding it_ look you’ve got going on."

"I have no such look," Magnus denied far too quickly, doing nothing but causing Catarina's grin to become more wicked.

"Name," she demanded, pressing up against the counter so that Magnus couldn’t avoid her eyes.

"There is no name," he protested, jumping as Catarina slapped a palm down against the wood.

"Name," Catarina repeated in a tone that Magnus knew better than to try arguing with. He thought about, then tried, then failed terribly at attempting to stare her out.

With a defeated drop of his shoulders, Magnus turned his eyes to the ceiling as though that would help. "Alec."

Catarina hopped up on a stool looking _thrilled_. She cupped her chin in her hand and stared at him, the feeling of being sized up as prey growing ever stronger for Magnus. "Occupation?"

"I… I have no idea," Magnus stuttered back, shaking his head.

"Are we talking… hot customer, guy in a bar you've neglected to tell me about visiting, woman at that boutique store you spend _way_ too much time in that’s given you something for the wank bank—"

" _Catarina_ ," Magnus hissed in embarrassed agony with a quick glance to ensure no customers were looking. Of course Catarina had got exactly to the point he was trying not to think about; she could read him like a book. Several times now thoughts of Alec had given Magnus something to grip his hand around that he was powerless to ignore. Just that morning it had been Alec's name on his lips as he'd got himself off in the shower after his tai chi.

Catarina continued lapping up Magnus’ mortification as she looked him over. "You haven’t had that look on your face since you were crushing on that professor giving the guest lectures on _story plotting_ that you made me attend with you."

Magnus held his breath, eyes anywhere but on Catarina's as he attempted to defend himself. "He happened to have a very effective method of teaching—"

"He had a cute _ass_ ," she snorted, laughing her head off. And with that Catarina leaned forward, triumph lighting up her eyes. "Magnus. You have a _crush_."

Magnus thought about denying it for all of a second, then let his head fall forward with a reluctant nod.

"How bad are we talking here?" she asked, lowering her gaze until Magnus had no choice but to look back at her. Magnus said nothing, but watched in horror the way her face lit up even more after studying him.

"Oh, it’s bad. It’s really, really, _really_ bad. Isn’t it?"

Magnus sighed, wiping a tired hand across his face and nodding in dejection. "Yes, Catarina. It is _really bad_."

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

**Alec**

Alec was a firefighter. But although he could still count the number of weeks it had been since he'd last worked, currently to Alec that career felt more like something from a former life. Which was part of the reason he felt so lost; firefighting was everything to him. It was all Alec had ever known. The firehouse was his home, the crew once his extended family, and the fires themselves his reason to exist.

Alec's earliest childhood memory—or at least the one he chose to think of as first—was of his dreams of becoming a firefighter. From brightly scrawled fire trucks in kindergarten to studying mock entry exams for the fire service late into the night along with—or more often than not instead of—his regular school work, the plan had been in place for Alec since the age of four.

When Jace had come to live with Alec's family at the age of ten, Alec had gained both a brother and someone who understood his passion for firefighting. It took some of the burden off his shoulders since Alec's parents had pressured him to always be the _best_ at everything he did. Both he and Jace had volunteered at the local fire department as teenagers, sweeping out floors and checking on hoses, even learning something of the mechanics of the fire trucks that Alec had pictured himself riding on from as early as he could remember.

Alec pushed away his unwanted trip down memory lane and glared at the firehouse across the street, gripping the steering wheel tight but still unable to make himself move. He'd been living with Izzy and Clary for a little over a month, and despite Izzy's constant reassurance that he didn't need to push himself, Alec couldn't help the guilt he felt for not being able to work.

Financially he was contributing to the household thanks to savings, insurance payouts, and the very recent sale of his apartment back in New York. And even if he didn't have enough money, Alec was in no fit state to be doing anything where he'd need to be reliable anyway, so working was out of the question. But since Alec had worked in some capacity since the age of about fourteen, having so much free time on his hands left him uneasy.

Alec groaned out his frustration loud enough to make it reverberate through the car, letting his head fall back onto the headrest as he closed his eyes in defeat. He tried to focus on better, more positive things than his failure to do something as simple as climb out of the car.

That month at Izzy's had passed quicker than Alec had thought possible. In rediscovering his love of drawing, Alec had found some solace for himself as well as an interest he could share with Clary to get to know her even better. He'd also started spending a lot of time with Maia, the two of them frequently messaging throughout their days. Game nights above her comic store were more fun than Alec had ever thought possible, and the people he'd met through Maia at those nights Alec was starting to like as well. Especially a guy called Andrew, who also happened to be a firefighter. It was seeing him a couple of days ago that had spurred Alec to try coming to the station again.

As he slowly regained his strength and mobility, Alec found himself able to do tasks for longer periods. He made sure Clary and Izzy were coming home to good meals and a well-stocked fridge even if he felt he could offer little else. It still amazed Alec how bad Izzy was at cooking, and that she'd somehow managed to meet someone equally as bad as her in Clary. It just didn't seem possible, or feasible, that two people who were so in control in every other aspect of their daily lives could barely make ramen without getting it wrong. Secretly Alec believed that was why they ate so much salad; not to be healthy, but because it was usually pre-prepared and they barely had to lift a finger.

Alec had even found excuses to keep returning to Leaves to see a certain beautiful cafe owner, from thanking him for the tea that surprisingly did seem to be helping him sleep, to conveniently having to pick something up for either Izzy or Clary. He tried not to be too obvious, to act as though he wasn't looking for Magnus in particular. But on the two occasions when the only person working there had been Dot, the teasing grin she'd given him told Alec she was on to him.

Alec felt a little thrill in the pit of his stomach every time he walked through the door of the cafe, cursing himself for even being attracted to Magnus in the first place. There was no way in hell someone as incredible as Magnus would ever look back at him in the same way. They'd spoken a few times, with Magnus always pausing from whatever he was doing to take a few minutes to talk to him. Alec was convinced that Magnus was feeling sorry for him, yet still couldn't bring himself to shy away like he normally would on the receiving end of someone's pity. Instead, Alec found himself basking in Magnus' company, whatever the reason for it.

Alec opened his eyes again, and in doing so cut off the thoughts of Magnus that he had no place even imagining. Scowling across the street at the firehouse once more as though _it_ was to blame for his predicament of not being able to go in, Alec let out a long, frustrated sigh. This was the third time he'd pulled up and just sat staring at the place, knowing full well he wasn't anywhere near ready to go in, but not wanting to have to admit it out loud.

He'd even tried to convince himself his visit to the station was to catch up with Andrew, knowing there were some places nearby that he liked to go for lunch. But since Alec hadn't told any of his new _friends_ the truth about his work, he had no excuses that would fit. So without courage, he had no way of getting himself out of the car. With another sigh and a mumbled curse at himself under his breath, Alec steered the car out into traffic and watched the firehouse grow small in his rearview mirror, disappointment in himself pressing hard on his stomach.

Alec's haste to get away from the firehouse was two-fold. Firstly because he really wasn't ready to be there yet despite his constant need to keep on trying, and secondly because he had to make himself look as presentable as he was able to in his current state. Since he'd arrived at Izzy's, Alec had found himself taking a lot more care than normal over his appearance. Though he still avoided really looking at his reflection in the mirror, taking an age even to make eye contact.

He hated feeling as though he needed to make an effort most of the time. Even when Alec had time to himself to go out back in New York, his idea of getting ready had been putting on a slightly better shirt and giving himself the once over in the mirror. But there was so much wrong with him now, that if he didn't make the effort he did Alec felt people might really see him, and that was something he really, truly wasn't ready for yet.

But for some occasions, making himself look presentable was not such a chore. Especially this night, since it was the first time he'd had chance to come and listen to Magnus read. After as quick a change of clothes as possible, Alec parked up across from Leaves feeling a skip of excitement in his chest. He could see Magnus moving around the cafe preparing for the book night, and stayed in the car to watch him with an increasing smile. Magnus' welcome when he finally stepped into Leaves went straight to Alec's stomach. He stumbled and stuttered before making his way over to a corner table where he thought he'd get the best view for Magnus' _reading_.

Alec had been back to Leaves so many times that he no longer had to order anything; Magnus had stopped asking what he wanted, and Alec was more than happy to leave things in Magnus' very capable hands. Hands which Alec had developed a little obsession with staring at, which he was reminded of as Magnus carefully slid what had become _his_ teapot in front of him along with its matching cup and a plate of pie.

Hands he'd been thinking of even the previous night; for the first time since long before the fire, Alec had slid an uncertain hand down over his boxers surprised to feel the bulge swelling there, and thinking of what Magnus' hand might do to him in place of his own making his cock jolt against his palm. He'd not done anything about it, far too nervous at the prospect. But the urge had been there. Alec didn't know what to do about that.

"Will you join in the book club? I have the book for tonight on my Kindle if you would like to take a look," Magnus offered, thankfully oblivious to Alec's musings, and smiling at him in a way that had his heart jumping in ridiculous enthusiasm.

"Probably not." Alec splayed his hand over the sketchpad he'd brought along with him. "I'll probably draw something until you start. You know. With the reading."

Alec's voice cracked as he spoke, and to hide it he busied himself with taking up a forkful of pie. Magnus' eyes dropped to Alec's mouth but the glance was brief; he was already clearing his own throat, nodding over to some customers that had just arrived, and lightly gripping Alec's shoulder as he walked over to serve them.

Alec watched the cafe fill, his eyes on Magnus' every move as he weaved between the tables chatting to the customers about their books with ease. He kept quickly looking away to his open sketchpad and the pencil between his fingers every time Magnus looked in his direction, which Alec let himself think might be pretty often.

With a swirl of anticipation building throughout the evening, Alec's pencil rolled on to the table abandoned as he finally saw Magnus climb on to a stool, book in hand, clearing his throat once again. Alec's own throat dried out just seconds in. He stared unashamedly, completely losing track of anything else as Magnus spoke.

Izzy and Clary were right; the people in the cafe were captivated. A hush settled over them the second Magnus turned a page, every person then hanging on his every word. There was a joint laugh when he read something funny, and a collective sigh for other phrases that left Alec either shifting in discomfort and adjusting his jeans or leaning forward to hear even more. And when a round of applause broke out Alec sat back in a daze, so focused on hearing Magnus speak that he hadn't been aware of the time that had passed.

Listening to the last of the other customers leave, Alec rushed to tidy his things together, wanting to be the last one out of the cafe to maybe get a chance to speak to Magnus. He also tried not to look as though he was lingering too long to do exactly that. With a curse under his breath at the stiffness that had seeped into him from sitting too long, Alec dragged himself to his feet and turned, jumping to find Magnus standing right behind him.

"I didn't mean to startle you," Magnus said in the tone that Alec had lost himself in for most of that evening. There would be nothing else he'd be able to think of when he went to bed later that night.

"It's ok." Alec smiled awkwardly and turned back to pick up his sketchpad, only to be stopped by Magnus' hand reaching out and hovering uncertainly over the cover.

"May I?"

With a hard swallow, Alec nodded, allowing Magnus' fingers to wrap around the pad and lift it up, the paper creaking against its spiral binder as Magnus carefully looked through.

"These are good, Alec," Magnus told him with an honest, open smile, skimming his fingertips along the outlines of images and raising his eyes to look at Alec warmly. "How long have you been drawing?"

Alec tried not to be self-conscious. "I guess I was always drawing as a kid. I kind of stopped for a while a few years ago. Since I've got time on my hands right now, figured I'd give it a go again."

"You really should continue, Alec; this is beautiful work."

Alec smiled, embarrassed for Magnus' compliments, but saying nothing.

"Do you ever consider doing this professionally?" Magnus continued, staring back so honest and curious that it trapped Alec right where he stood.

"No," Alec said quickly shaking his head, "it's just a bit of fun. I don't want—I mean, I've no interest in making it into a career or anything."

"You are yet to tell me what it is that you do for a career," Magnus added with obvious though innocent curiosity written over his face. Though those innocent words did nothing but freeze Alec in place. The question wasn't difficult, nor was the answer one he would ever be ashamed of either. But for reasons he couldn't explain Alec felt cornered, as though the cafe they were currently stood in had suddenly been sucked of all its oxygen.

"Well," Alec stuttered out, trying and failing to find words, "I'm not working right now."

Magnus nodded without the slightest appearance of judgment or intention of intruding. Alec felt even worse for it.

"I should be getting back," Alec said then, screaming at himself internally for running away to avoid Magnus' question, but unable to stop himself from doing so.

"Alec—"

"I'll catch you later, Magnus." Alec stumbled out of the cafe, fighting through the aches and pains and frustration that surged through him. Grinding his teeth Alec threw himself into Izzy's car with a continual stream of curses for himself, the tires screeching as he sped away.

* * *

Sleep hadn't come for Alec that night. On top of the fact that it was always a difficult thing for him to do anyway, the rehashing of how his evening in Leaves had so suddenly soured kept him awake—and of course, his blatant refusal to drink Magnus' tea didn't help. Since he'd fled from the cafe for no good reason, Alec felt so utterly ashamed of himself that he refused to use something given by Magnus in such kindness to help himself in any way at all.

One look from Izzy in the morning told Alec that he looked just as bad as he felt. Before Izzy could offer sympathy or ask questions Alec helped himself to coffee and took himself back to bed. He could feel the disappointment in her eyes burning into his back as he walked away but still kept moving, sinking back against his bedroom door with a frustrated sigh.

When he'd killed what felt like adequate time staring up at the ceiling and surging between self-loathing and self-pity, Alec dragged himself from bed and forced his way through a shower. He dutifully avoided looking at himself as he applied the creams needed for his skin, then once dressed returned to the kitchen with the idea of fixing something to eat despite how hungry he wasn't feeling. A note was waiting from Izzy, giving Alec fresh guilt.

_Hey_

_Don't know what's eating you this morning but we need to eat; can you pick up some stuff?_

_Call me if you need anything_

_Izzy_

The note was followed by a short list of groceries. Alec sighed, slumping against the edge of the table, smiling for what Izzy seemed to deem as _essentials_ then going back to feeling dejected once again. He had no objection to almost anything Izzy asked of him, but today the thought of leaving the house was crippling.

After a breakfast that he took so much time over his coffee went cold, Alec made himself leave the house. On the drive to the store and down each and every aisle, Alec half-expected to run into Magnus, to have to explain himself, to have to put his stupidity on full display and try to find reasons for his behavior which he'd yet to so far. He didn't run into Magnus at all.

What happened instead was that Alec went back to Izzy's after shopping, paced his way through rooms, and even taking a walk in the yard. His mind wandered, from worrying about his slow-recovering injuries to what caused them in the first place, to where, or what, his future would bring. Which felt stranger than anything else; Alec couldn't remember the last time he'd ever thought about anything longer term than _tomorrow_.

Alec thought about how much _better_ things might have been if he'd seen Magnus, to have the distraction from everything that was currently taunting him on repeat. But then he told himself that was unfair as well, for thinking of Magnus as nothing more than a distraction. In anger at himself, Alec dropped to the couch far heavier than usual hissing for the tautness of his skin and holding still to see if any of his wounds reopened. When convinced they hadn't, Alec let his head fall more carefully against the back of the couch, tiredly closing his eyes.

Feeling just as guilty for reaching out when all he was attempting to do was forget his own stupidity, Alec stared at his phone with his thumbs poised over the screen before typing a message to Maia.

_Going stir crazy here_

Proving Alec's theory that Maia was, in fact, permanently attached to her phone, there came the instant reply of _So come to the store._ It was exactly the response he had been looking for.

"So? Why the crazy?" Maia asked, handing him a cup of coffee and holding out a box of donuts for Alec to choose from. Though not in the slightest bit hungry Alec took a large bite out of his donut yet again stalling for more time, knowing Maia well enough already to know she would absolutely not back down.

"I'm just not sleeping, you know? Not exactly working right now either; I'm kind of used to being _busy_."

"So come help me out a couple of days a week," Maia suggested with an easy shrug. "I can invent stuff for you to do. Like… color coding and cross-referencing and—it'll be awesome!"

Alec snorted and shook his head. "No offense, Maia, but if you need to invent stuff for me to do? It seems kind of pointless."

Maia shrugged again as though Alec's response was something she'd expected. "So... just come keep me company then. Like you're doing now. Tell me all your deepest, darkest secrets."

"Yeah, because _that_ sounds like so much fun."

It was both strange and a comfort to Alec that he already felt so at ease in Maia's store, how she'd already become a feature in his life. Maybe this was how life was supposed to be when it went easy, when there weren't other people to think about constantly. When he could simply be himself.

"Okay, okay, let's start small," Maia said, apparently undeterred. "Have you met anyone worth a second look here yet?"

Magnus' face immediately popped into Alec's thoughts.

"A ha!" Maia's exclamation came with a triumphant, wide-eyed shuffle of excitement. " _Tell me tell me tell me_."

"Uh..."

"C'mon, Alec, gimme the goods."

Alec stared back at Maia, weighing out his words before forcing himself to say them. "There's… so there's this guy—"

"I _knew_ it—"

"Knew what?" Alec bit back, but without malice; the laughter in his voice showed nothing but affection.

"Nothing," Maia said, giving a small shake of her head that barely concealed her smile. "Forget I said anything. So?"

"Just—just a guy, okay?"

When Maia folded her arms showing she wasn't planning on letting him avoid the subject, Alec rolled his eyes and searched for a way to stumble over his own words.

"He's about my height. Maybe a little shorter. His hair's always up in this mohawk; every day with a different style, or color, or something. He dresses like... something off a catwalk, or something; I don't know. I don't know why eyeliner looks that good on him but it really does. And he's… _hot_ ," Alec added, admitting out loud what he'd been thinking every time he'd seen Magnus.

Maia punched the air, practically vibrating in excitement. "Where? When? Did you get his number? What's his name?"

"Uh," Alec began, shaking his head in doubt. "No. I, uh—"

"Alec, stop holding hold on me."

Alec's shoulders dropped again, unable to stop smiling at her. "He—actually, he works near here."

"Let's go see him." Maia was already grabbing her keys and ushering for him to leave.

"What? \no way," Alec said, but feeling Maia's enthusiasm filter through his mood and cut out the darkness that had sat there since yesterday.

"Are you ashamed of me or something, Alec?"

"No," Alec said, laughing again, feeling even brighter. "No, but this is—it's new, okay? You'll scare him off."

Maia pointed at her chest and fixed him with a look that was mock wounded then laughed easily, shrugging her shoulders. "At least tell me something. Where's he work?"

"He owns Leaves. You know. Just a little down from—"

Maia's eyes grew impossibly bigger, and her grin even wider; Alec didn't know what to think or where to look. "Leaves? Your crush is _Magnus Bane_? That is some good effort there; I am proud of you, Alec. And thoroughly approve of course. Let's go get some tea."

"No." Alec was adamant, carefully squeezing over the hand on his arm and tugging for her to drop it. The thought of the gleeful way Maia was staring at him being trained on Magnus instead made him panic worse than he had been when he'd come in. "Absolutely no way."

"I promise I'll be on my best behavior," Maia pleaded, actually clasping her hands together. Alec reached out to gently squeeze around her wrists and pulled them down again until her arms were swinging by her sides.

"Not—not today, okay? Maybe some other time."

"Why not today?"

"Because. I should probably speak to him on my own first."

Maia nodded slowly and sank back down on her stool, looking Alec over with a sage glance that had him feeling like he wanted to shrink into himself. "Okay. So, what did you do?"

"What? How do you know I did anything? I didn't do _anything_."

"Alec—"

Alec sighed, slumping and instantly straightening back up at the taut uncomfortable pull of his skin. He leaned his elbows on the counter before sliding them away with a wince at the pain, pulling the usual stool he sat on across and slumping down.

"Maybe I freaked out a little when he asked me something."

Maia settled herself on her own stool and leaned over to look at him intently, with a bright smile on her face that made Alec nervous as much as it made him calm. "Tell me everything."

* * *

"I'm—I'm sorry I ran out of here in a hurry the other day."

Alec watched Magnus behind his counter carefully making notes on a pad as he examined his tea ingredients. His heart thudded for how long it took Magnus to turn around. Alec ached for the thought of hurting him, and hated that he couldn't read Magnus' expression when he finally looked at him.

It had taken a very long, painful conversation with Maia, and yet another sleepless night before Alec could bring himself to face Magnus again. He was currently perched on a stool at Magnus' counter feeling like his recovery had taken a step backward with how much pain he was in.

If he could just manage one good night's sleep, Alec thought as he shifted both in discomfort and under Magnus intense stare, then maybe everything wouldn't hurt so much.

"Okay," Magnus replied; Alec heard caution and guardedness in Magnus' voice and hated knowing he was the one who had put it there. Magnus was his friend; a new one, maybe, but Alec knew he shouldn't be letting his insecurities impact other people.

"Look. It's not—"

"You don't need to explain yourself to me, Alec," Magnus told him softly. Alec's heart pounded to hear it in case the words meant that his apology was already too late. "We do not owe each other any explanations. After all. We don't know each other that well—"

"But I'd like to," Alec blurted out, desperate to have Magnus understand. His throat constricted in the aftermath of his words and his heart continued to beat in protest. Alec clenched and unclenched his fist down by his side out of Magnus' sight, pleading with him to answer.

The guard on Magnus' face slipped; Alec saw a glimmer of hope cross before Magnus could rein it back in.

"I mean—" Alec stumbled over his words, thinking to take it back, but then stopped himself. What he'd said was nothing but true after all. "I mean," he tried again, clearing his throat, aware of the color to his cheeks, "I meant just that. I'd—it would be great if we knew each other better. I'd… like that a lot."

Alec kept perfectly still as Magnus' gaze drifted over his face, as though searching for the truth of his words. When the inspection was over the corners of Magnus' lips twitched up into a smile, and Alec allowed himself to relax.

"If you have no objection to waiting until I have closed the cafe, Alec... would you like to join me for a coffee?"

Alec's face must have been a picture, because before he could even respond Magnus was letting out a warm, earthy chuckle that had Alec's stomach flip.

* * *

"I'm a… I mean I used to be a—" Alec scowled at himself, carefully going over his words once again. "I _am_. A firefighter."

Magnus, sat opposite Alec in the small diner they'd walked to after closing Leaves, slowly returned his mug from where he'd been lifting it to his mouth down to the table with a soft clunk. "A firefighter."

"I am," Alec said, nodding and taking a sip of coffee himself. "The whole rescuing kittens from trees, and getting kids' heads unstuck from between park railings. Even fires sometimes."

Alec would have been blind not to see the assessing, calculated way Magnus' eyes drifted over him then and instantly stiffened for it, not knowing what that assessment meant.

"That is an incredibly brave occupation, Alec," Magnus said after his too-long pause, with a slight hitch of _something_ in his voice.

"Someone has to do it," Alec replied with an easy shrug, that stiffness dropping away again. "It's all I ever wanted to do. I started straight from school. Volunteered earlier. It was kind of _all_ my life, Magnus."

"If it is not too personal a question," Magnus started to say then stopped, checking Alec's face for a reaction. Alec tilted his chin to tell him to continue. "May I ask—may I _assume_ —that the reason you are not currently working is due to an accident at work?"

Alec gripped knuckle-white to his mug and flinched, his stomach churning, despite telling himself it was a stupid reaction because it was a logical assumption to make.

"You don't need to tell me. But—"

"How did you guess?" Alec cut him off with anyway, stuck for anything else to say. He kept his gaze down to the table to avoid the _compassion_ on Magnus' face. "Or is it just completely obvious?"

"An educated guess. I have noticed the way you hold yourself, Alec. How much pain you appear to be in at times."

Alec looked up to find sorrow in Magnus' expression then, but not the pity that would have had him dragging himself to his feet and leaving. It allowed him to feel _better_ enough to nod, hoping Magnus knew he was inviting more questions.

"And you always wear long sleeves," Magnus continued, his eyes flitting for a moment to the nervous way Alec tugged on his shirt cuffs. "Forgive me for assuming—"

"So why did you notice all that?" Alec asked instead, seeming to surprise Magnus with the question.

"I studied kinaesthetics, amongst other things. And I like to think I am a good judge of people."

Alec smiled, the slight frown he felt forming doing nothing to take away the warmth there in his heart. "How—have you been studying me a lot, Magnus?"

"Well. You are exceptionally pleasant to look at, Alec," Magnus replied instantly. Now it was Alec's turn to watch Magnus become flustered and blush at his own honest, open words.

" _Exceptionally pleasant to look at_?" Alec repeated, thoroughly amused, loving the way Magnus turned his face away in embarrassment, and how his fingers frantically tugged on his ear cuff.

"Yes," Magnus said, the word coming out sharp, embarrassed but defiant when he looked back. "Yes. You are."

Alec's smile grew wider and he allowed his own eyes to give a deliberate sweep over Magnus, debating what he should say in response. "Well. You're beautiful. All of you."

Magnus took another turn at being flustered, and Alec took that moment to gather his thoughts, to try to organize the words he wanted to get out and carefully lock away the ones he didn't.

"There was a fire at this hell hole of a bar. It was a kitchen fire, so there was grease everywhere. The guy cooking must have taken his eyes off the grill for a second. And when he turned back the whole place was alight. The extractor fans—and everything, I guess. Well, they hadn't exactly cleaned any time recently, and so that didn't help. Plus, you know. It was kind of the perfect storm, really, all that flammable cooking oil, and liquor, and everything. The place went up like an out of control campfire.

"I wasn't even supposed to be working, you know? I was maybe a block from home when I got the call, was told it was an all hands on deck deal given the location and how the neighboring buildings were at risk. And when I got there, it was bad, Magnus. I mean, it wasn't even really the worst I've ever seen, not really. But it was _bad_."

"Were there fatalities?" Magnus asked in a small voice as though he wasn't sure whether he should be interrupting or not.

"Three." Alec again sat perfectly still as Magnus looked him over, bracing for further questions he was in no way ready to answer but would do his best to stumble through for Magnus. He was surprised by the importance he'd placed on Magnus' opinion of him already. But all Magnus did was smile softly.

"Thank you for sharing that with me, Alec. It cannot have been easy for you."

With a deft, delicate change of subject, Magnus asked other questions; about how Alec was finding living with Izzy; if he'd put any more thought into staying in the area; what he'd been drawing and doing of late. Alec found himself relaxing more, reveling in Magnus' company and sinking into the comfort it gave him.

Alec realized it wouldn't take very much at all for him to fall hard for Magnus, denying to himself that he was halfway there already, because it was far, far too soon. And besides that; Alec knew he didn't deserve anyone as good as the man before him, or in fact anyone at all. So Alec spent much of the rest of the evening making his answers light and easy, keeping everything as neutral as possible.

But when Magnus reached across the car seat to gently squeeze over Alec's hand in thanks for dropping him home after the diner, Alec was sure it lingered there for a good few seconds longer than a simple _thank you_ would need. The look in Magnus' eyes was impossible for Alec not to find himself interpreting as meaning something a whole lot more than tentative friendship. And on the drive back to Izzy's, Alec's head was full of Magnus; there seemed little he could do or think about without it all heading straight back to him.

 _Too soo_ n, became his mantra, and _too broken_ his reason to walk away and not taint Magnus with even thoughts of him. But it was impossible; this place already felt like home, and Magnus an integral part of it. So what if it was only a few weeks that they'd known each other?

If he was honest, Alec was finding excuses to see Magnus almost every day. Magnus' face always broke into a smile the moment Alec walked into the cafe, and there was nothing Alec could do to stop himself smiling back. If neither one of them were pushing, they could drift into something easily; what would be so very wrong about that?

 _You_ , a snide voice told him, _you are what's wrong with it_ , far too loud for Alec to ignore.

With a glimpse up at Izzy's house Alec gripped the steering wheel tight then forced himself out of the car, mindful of making too much noise because Clary was on an overnight and might still be asleep. Walking quietly past Izzy and Clary' bedroom told Alec otherwise. He sped up to get to his own room with both a smile and a grimace, relieved for the solace of closing the bedroom door behind him.

Alec was thankful that the room had a small bathroom attached that meant he didn't have to share and risk anyone seeing his skin. His eyes drifted over the surfaces at his assortment of creams, treatments and even dressings he occasionally needed if he couldn't trust himself not to scratch at his skin overnight. How crammed would everything be if he had to share the space with anyone else? Though picturing the look of disgust on their faces if either Clary or Izzy were to see him meant Alec took an age to even step inside the bathroom. Even if both of them had helped treat his wounds.

Eventually stripping for a shower, Alec reached out to turn the water on, seconds later stepping under its warm stream and sighing at the feel of it sluicing down his neck. Alec angled his head from side to side to enjoy the feeling across his shoulders as well, then picked up the mild soap he'd got accustomed to using following coming out of hospital, lathering himself up.

He had a brief memory of the hospital as he washed, of being hooked up to numerous intravenous fluids meant to help him with his recovery. Though Alec forced those memories away concentrating instead on the uneven terrain that was now vast stretches of his skin beneath his palms. He let himself wander to imagining _Magnus_ touching him, shaking his head to rid himself of those thoughts in disgust. How could he inflict _this_ on someone as beautiful as Magnus?

It appeared though, that whatever story Alec was telling himself his body wasn't willing to listen. With a reluctant sigh Alec glanced down to see his cock rising under the stream of the shower. A single thought of Magnus later, and it was standing more proudly, hanging weighty and uncomfortable for being neglected for so long.

It was pathetic, Alec told himself, staring at his cock bob and jolt for attention under the shower spray, how he felt so unwilling to do anything about it. It wasn't like he couldn't do with the release, after all. It might even help him sleep.

Arguing that he shouldn't be so scared of touching himself, Alec took himself in hand. His head fell back instantly for the beginnings of heat sparking in him, and the shower cubicle echoed with his moan. Alec pressed his other hand against the wall to keep steady as he dropped his head forward again, staring down at his cock slipping through the grip of his fingers. The tightness of the heat already coiling through him had Alec thinking his knees might be about to give.

Alec continued to think of Magnus; he had no control to prevent it from happening. If Magnus had been under this spray, with all that beautiful skin on display for Alec to get his hands on, _oh_ , Alec thought, speeding up, where would he want to even start?

But if Magnus really were here with him, Alec asked himself, slowing and loosening his grip again, Magnus would only be repulsed by him. He would take one look at the mess that was Alec's body and walk straight back out in revulsion. The thought of that look on Magnus' face had Alec dropping himself altogether, turning off the shower and stepping out.

He hadn't been in the shower long enough to fully steam up the glass of the mirrors; Alec grabbed a towel anyway and gave them a long swipe, bracing himself to look. Though he then remembered that, as well as the ones over the sink, there was another mirror to his side that went almost all the way to the floor. If he opened his eyes, he would be able to see himself from every angle.

With a high pitched whirring in his ears, Alec made himself look. Across much of his chest, patches of his upper arms and the fronts of his thighs, then to his back as he forced himself to spin around; Alec knew he was _broken_. He was covered in burns, some already fading into scars and whorling up his skin in places then stretching it out in others, and in other patches just appearing sunburnt and charred. It didn't matter which way he looked. Alec knew he was a mess.

A sob burst from Alec's lips then, a furious, angry blast for frustration at it all. Any thoughts of Magnus being there with him had Alec wanting to cover himself in shame, shield himself from disgusted eyes or even worse, pitying ones. Alec's heart sank, his earlier arousal waning. Even taking himself in hand to watch in the mirror did nothing. All Alec felt when he looked was _disgust_.

Dejected, Alec turned away, dried himself carefully, then began his night time skincare routine. When it was dry Alec dressed then slid into bed, far too alert to even consider sleeping. And when sleep finally came to claim him just as the sun was coming up, the last thoughts Alec had were of Magnus.

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

**Magnus**

Magnus took in the angry body language of the couple stood on the sidewalk in front of him and grit his teeth, trying to ignore them so he could enjoy his walk. Though the closer he got, the angrier they sounded; Magnus caught fragments of an argument he did not want to be privy to yet still felt wounded by, speeding up for a few paces as he passed until they were far behind him and he could breathe easier again.

Magnus hated confrontation, avoiding it at every possible point throughout his life. Having grown up in a house with his father's constant anger and belittling language, once he'd left home Magnus had vowed to do everything in his power to avoid any kind of _anger_ whatsoever.

Magnus smiled then for more pleasant thoughts, thinking of Catarina and Ragnor, and looking forward to seeing them on the weekend. The three of them hadn't spent time together in over a month. Magnus was ready for the barrage of stories, teasing, and who knew what other mischief Ragnor and Catarina would stir up in his company.

Magnus' thoughts then turned to Alec, because there wasn't a chance in hell Ragnor wouldn't make his life a nightmare if he knew about this ridiculous crush of his. And there would be no way Catarina wouldn't bring it up within seconds of them meeting. What made it worse was that this weekend, Ragnor and Catarina would be spending at least a few hours in each other's company without Magnus' supervision; who knew what nightmares they would brew up together for him?

Magnus sped up on his walk hoping to outpace the embarrassment he was already feeling, Alec inevitably filling his thoughts now he'd let the idea of him in. It had really only been a few weeks if he were practical about things, but Catarina was right; Magnus really hadn't crushed this hard in a long, long while. Magnus groaned for the truth of it but allowed his mind to wander, giving into it because it was easier than fighting. He lost himself in hazel eyes and kind smiles, and hands that he'd watched surreptitiously as Alec had sketched in his cafe. In doing so and without intention, Magnus allowed his mind to wander further still.

Aside from a few short-term experiences in college, Woolsey had been the one real relationship in Magnus' life. They had so many shared interests; a love of literature, clothes, cooking, and so many other things that meant they were the perfect fit. But those five years together, sharing a home for almost four of them, had counted for nothing when Woolsey was offered work back in England out of the blue.

"You're walking through this life aimlessly like you don't know where you're going, or what you even want, Magnus. I need more than that, don't you see?" had been Woolsey's final words after he'd dropped his bombshell, with Magnus returning from the bookstore he'd been working in at the time to find Woolsey knee deep in boxes and several already-packed suitcases. No prior warning, no telltale signs, no reason to think anything was wrong between them. One minute Woolsey was Magnus' world, and then he was gone.

After that, Magnus had been numb. Questioning his every action, going over every conversation he and Woolsey had ever shared, trying to work out where he'd gone wrong. Not long after he'd thrown himself into an unloving on and off relationship with Camille not long after, only leaving her after several years of trying to give her everything and his efforts never being enough.

Then one day, Magnus had woken and told himself to stop dwelling on the things he couldn't change. He made peace with the end of his relationships, retreated even further into himself, and ever since hadn't indulged in or felt anything more than occasional, fleeting attraction for anyone. 

How Alec had come to change that in such a short time was a mystery to Magnus, but he wasn't going to question it. Since Alec's remorseful apology for his hesitance to share what he did for a living and their subsequent coffee together, Magnus had acknowledged a spark of something that was too good to ignore.

Alec's admission that he was a firefighter had rendered Magnus temporarily stupid, his mind ghosting with images that were far from appropriate for someone he'd really not known all that long. But there was definitely a _something_ between them; perhaps a little more one-sided from his own perspective, it was true, but something nonetheless. Alec wanted to get to know him after all, didn't he? He'd said almost those very words himself. Magnus found himself liking that thought a lot.

Magnus returned from his walk and snatched up his phone that he'd left on the kitchen table, his breath catching for seeing a message waiting from Alec as though he'd caught him _thinking_ about him. They'd exchanged numbers under the pretense of Magnus wanting Alec to send pictures of his latest artwork when he wasn't in the cafe—which he was fairly often—and had taken to sending each other at least a couple of messages every day. Nothing profound, usually random, sometimes with the clear excuse of just wanting to be in contact. Magnus looked forward to every message all the same.

Alec's message of, _Do you think some of your magic tea will help my sore throat?_ Magnus replied immediately to with a, _Come down to the cafe after four and we will find out ;)_ and was followed by Magnus wincing at the emoticon he'd just sent, keeping his hands busy by unnecessarily tidying his kitchen as he waited for Alec's reply.

Barely two minutes later he received a _See you then ;)_ back, for which Magnus' heart skipped a little, before he forced himself to drink a glass of water before taking a shower.

He was not, Magnus told himself firmly, jumping at every tinkling bell that announced the arrival of a customer as soon as four o'clock arrived. Neither had he purposely come in early to make pie; it was just that it was a popular seller and Magnus didn't want the counter to be empty. And it didn't mean anything, Magnus chided himself, that he'd already set aside the ingredients for tea he knew would soothe any sore throat, as well as making sure there was enough of his favorite honey to add to it in case Alec didn't like the flavor too much.

The door opened again and Magnus' heart thumped then sank, and it took all his willpower to stop himself from groaning out loud.

"Hey, Magnus."

Catarina walked up and around the counter to nudge against him in a gesture almost as old as their friendship, then helped herself to a slice of cake before hopping up on a stool. As she chewed she looked around the cafe, her eyes falling on the tea he was ready to prepare, and smirking at him for it. "What are you up to?"

"Catarina," Magnus said, attempting and failing to keep his voice from coming out anything different than it usually did. Catarina narrowed her eyes at him and looked Magnus up and down.

"Spill."

"There is nothing to—"

"Magnus," Catarina said, before scraping up the last piece of her cake and swallowing it down without even breaking eye contact. "You've got that vibe going on."

" _Vibe_?" Magnus repeated as he laughed, turning away and distracting himself by preparing Catarina some tea. Not that he wasn't happy to see her, he always was. But knowing Alec would be showing up at some point and Catarina now likely being present for that made his stomach clench. "And you tell me my language is outdated."

"I can say whatever I want however the hell I please. Spill," Catarina insisted with an arched eyebrow that challenged him to try not to.

"I am _working_ , Catarina. That is what I am _up to_."

"Uh huh," Catarina agreed, shrewdness in her voice that had Magnus wincing even with his back turned to her. "That's what—"

But whatever Catarina had been about to say was drowned out to Magnus by the sound of the door opening yet again. Without even turning, Magnus knew it would be Alec. He did not whimper, Magnus told himself, pasting on as neutral an expression as he could before turning back around.

"Hey, Magnus."

Magnus' heart fluttered; Alec looked well enough aside from a slight pinkness to his cheeks and a brightness in his eyes, but his voice was rough, cracking in places as though to confirm he really did have a sore throat. He should not, Magnus scolded himself, find the change in timbre as appealing as he did.

"Hello, Alec," Magnus said, his voice hitching slightly for a number of reasons. He _felt_ Catarina's interest beside him and tried not to shrink away from it.

"Introduce me to your friend," Catarina demanded, glancing Alec over in appraisal. Alec stared back at her in surprise then slid his gaze over to Magnus leaving him swallowing hard.

"Catarina, this is Alec Lightwood—"

"Oh, _that_ Alec."

Catarina breathed out in the exact pitch of teasing that Magnus had been expecting. He played with the pens, pad of paper, and napkin dispenser on his counter just to keep busy.

"Alec, this is Catarina Loss. One of my oldest, most troublesome of friends."

"Drop the oldest," Catarina said absently, still looking Alec up and down in consideration. "I couldn't get Magnus here to tell me too much about you. Must mean you're something _special_."

Alec's eyes widened. "Uh—"

Magnus was mortified, hissing her name out the corner of his mouth.

"Tea, Magnus."

With a drop of his shoulders, Magnus turned back around to busy himself with the tea. He listened as Catarina interrogated Alec, and Alec, bless the man, went from cautious to amused after just a few questions. Magnus pretended not to be listening, setting Alec's teapot down with its matching cup on a tray and adding a small bowl of honey along with a spoon so that he could add however much he wanted. He cut a very generous slice of pie, wincing for Catarina's questions and hoping they wouldn't send Alec storming out, never to return.

"Are you sitting here or at a table?" Magnus interrupted to ask Alec.

Alec had barely opened his mouth when Catarina replied for him. "He's sitting here."

The smile Alec gave them both showed just how thoroughly amused he was, and the little cracked chuckle of laughter that Magnus then heard as Alec sat down showed he wasn't angry in the slightest; inwardly, Magnus sighed with relief.

Catarina took one look at the tray Magnus slid in front of Alec, ignoring her own tea now and smirking in a way that was nothing but evil. "Where's my pie?"

"You just took something," Magnus protested.

Alec looked between them and laughed again, pouring himself some tea.

" _Special_ ," Catarina repeated, that single word causing Magnus' stomach to drop.

Catarina and Alec continued to speak but Magnus found himself unable to contribute much. The teasing he'd get from her later was enough to leave him mute, but the thought of Alec being offended, or put off by Catarina's constant questioning had Magnus tempted to forcibly feed her everything in the counter just to keep her quiet. But Alec looked okay, seemed to be holding his own, even casting his eyes in Magnus' direction a couple of times to give him a reassuring smile that had knots adding to his already churning stomach.

"How do you like poetry, Alec?"

Magnus really did whine then, watching Alec's face morph in confusion at Catarina's question, shaking his head and looking to Magnus for an explanation.

"I... like some? I can't say I know a lot about it, but yeah. I enjoy some."

"Good," Catarina replied, in that tone that Magnus knew was trouble. "Free Sunday night?"

" _Catarina_ ," Magnus protested, wrapping a hand around her arm in a futile attempt to stop her; she shrugged him off without breaking eye contact with Alec.

"Uh… sure?"

"You know the bookstore down the street?"

"I do."

"Be there. Seven o'clock. Don't be late."

Magnus watched as Alec shifted to turn and face him more directly, now looking lost. Magnus couldn't help the glare he turned on Catarina then, hoping to convey how he'd deal with her later. But he turned back to Alec and kept his expression as neutral as possible, trying to appear at ease.

"Once a month there is a… poetry recital. Of both contemporary and traditional poetry. I will be attending," Magnus added, giving him a nervous smile instead of the confident one he was hoping for. He flinched when Catarina flung her hand to the side, hitting him in the chest.

"He'll be _performing_ ," she amended for him, looking between Magnus and Alec with a lingering glint in her eye. Magnus forced himself to breathe steadily despite how his heart was racing.

Alec sat up straighter, the surprise on his face making Magnus want to sink beneath the counter and hide. "You write, Magnus?"

"Of _course_ he writes," Catarina laughed. "What do you think he studied in college?"

"...English?"

"Exactly," she said, as though that was any answer. "Magnus has written for as long as I've known him. He's _good_."

Magnus softened for her compliment but still braced for further embarrassment. Alec's look for him then was full of approval and his smile made Magnus' breath catch. "Then I'm definitely coming."

"Oh, you'll be _coming_ ," Catarina replied, then gave a snort that had Magnus spinning away, suddenly reminded he needed to rearrange the jars he stored his tea ingredients in. All of them. Twice.

Catarina reached out to tug him back before he could get too far, whirling Magnus back around. Alec looked between her smirking face and back to Magnus' embarrassed one, then laughed as he let out an exasperated groan.

"You'd best be on your best behavior, Alec. It's important to make a good first impression with the in-laws. We are practically family, after all."

" _Enough_ , Catarina," Magnus barked out, fighting his instinct to drop his head into his hands and hide.

"...okay?"

"Ragnor will be there too," Catarina add, her face utterly filled with glee. "Magnus' other _troublesome friend_. He isn't as polite as I am."

* * *

What he wouldn't give for all the cocktails in the world _right now_ , Magnus thought as he walked across the stage for his poetry recital. Catarina, Ragnor, and Alec were in the very centre of the crowd, and Magnus' stomach somewhere roughly behind his knees. How was he supposed to get through this?

Catarina and Ragnor were not so bad as audience members since they'd seen him do this more than once and were nothing but supportive; they even let up on their almost constant need to mess with him in some kind of teasing ceasefire whenever he performed. And Magnus wasn't embarrassed by his poetry, nor was he a stranger to reading in public since he did that every Tuesday in Leaves.

But Alec had only ever heard him reading other people's words; his recital tonight would be purely his own work. If there was ever a way to feel more naked, or more exposed, Magnus hadn't come across it yet.

Alec hadn't helped matters by turning up in a grey shirt that Magnus loved seeing on him, with black jeans that hugged him perfectly, and a smile on his face that Magnus had already convinced himself was all for him. That in particular wasn't helping his nerves, not one bit.

Carefully wrapping his fingers around the cup of water in his grip and willing his hand not to shake Magnus took a sip, more for something to do than for any thirst. He set the cup down on the small table to his side, opening a notebook that creaked along the well-worn spine as he did, and cleared his throat, allowing himself one final glance out at his audience before beginning to read.

Magnus settled the moment he started speaking, a confidence he only truly felt when speaking like this settling over him like a blanket of calm. That confidence allowed him to make eye contact with the people watching him from time to time as he emphasized assonance, extended stresses, took the flat words off the page and breathed them new life. Magnus felt alive like this, free in a sense he felt in no other aspect of his life, certain in a way that gave him a fleeting feeling of belonging.

The beauty of poetry for Magnus was the multiple interpretations, and the way he could hide a hundred hurts in analogies and metaphors. Whatever he said could either be taken at face value or twisted, bent out of shape and heard however the audience wanted to hear it; it didn't for one minute take away its meaning for Magnus. Having that shield of revealing himself without revealing himself at all was all the therapy Magnus hoped he'd ever need.

From the expressions on their faces, whatever the audience thought his current poem was about was perfectly off track; Magnus wove his words of uncertainty and loneliness growing up with a father lacking love and respect for him into a whimsical fairytale of magical kingdoms and fulfilled wishes. They laughed in the right places, smiled knowingly where he intended them to, and sighed at the end of stanzas that tied up the ends to his tales. All, it seemed, but Alec, who stared back at him tight-lipped with an understanding sadness in his eyes that had Magnus fighting back a tremble.

People had understood his exact meanings before, of course they had; the beauty of interpreting poetry was that he could shrug and smile secretly when asked, pretend the words were about something else entirely. The look on Alec's face told Magnus he wouldn't get away with that with him. A shot of fear fired through Magnus that he fought through to keep reading, steadying his voice as though unaffected.

Magnus read another three poems, each telling an embellishment of a story or simplifying an experience as though it had meant little, cursing himself for his choice with every one. These poems he had chosen for the recital long before Catarina had invited Alec, and he knew each one by heart already, so it seemed foolish to change them just because Alec would be there to hear. Yet each left Magnus feeling he was revealing everything about himself he wanted to keep hidden. Magnus stopped looking at Alec entirely after the fourth one; the look of understanding threw and completely unsettled him, until it became easier for Magnus to focus anywhere but on him.

With relief that it was over, Magnus saw and felt that his poems were well received by the small audience stood before him. He smiled and gave quiet thanks for the applause, stopping to talk to a few people, purposely taking his time to make his way over to Alec, Catarina, and Ragnor.

"That was amazing, Magnus," Alec told him with sincerity that shone brighter than any pity Magnus suspected he might be feeling. Magnus basked in it though braced for the inevitable from Catarina and Ragnor.

"Incredible work, as always," Ragnor said, with a glint in his eye that seemed so out of place when heard with the pride in his voice.

"You'll have all these groupies dropping their panties in no time," Catarina added, looking Alec up and down with a smirk. "Maybe even this one."

Magnus officially begged the ground to open up and swallow him. He watched Alec for a reaction, biting back a surprised burst of laughter as Alec just shrugged and winked at Catarina easily, stage whispering the word _satin_ at her. Or perhaps it was Satan, Magnus supposed, thinking how well it suited his best friend right then; either way, it succeeded in making Catarina's face light up with delight.

"Ready for some aftershow fun?" Ragnor asked, clasping Magnus' shoulder hard enough to make him jump. "Or are you planning on your own celebration with—"

"I could go for a beer," Alec said, shrugging and saving Magnus again. "I just want to say hi to Maia."

Out of the corner of his eye Magnus watched Alec embrace Maia from the comic book store as though she was an old friend, the easy smile on his face when he pulled back settling warmth in Magnus' chest. He'd spoken to Maia a few times at previous recitals, in Leaves, and at the monthly meetings the stores on their street held for events and planning purposes. He liked her, and Magnus was glad to see Alec easy in other's company. The loneliness he tried not to acknowledge he felt himself was written all over Alec at times; at least one of them should be getting better at their social skills.

That warmth he felt for seeing Alec with Maia drained from him for the blond man who then joined them, clasping Alec's hand in greeting with an open smile. Alec smiled back at him easily as well, clearly already knowing him; the man was far too handsome for Magnus' liking, and far too comfortable in Alec's company. He swallowed back the jealousy he felt refusing to acknowledge its existence, fixing a bright smile on his face when Alec returned to them and held the door open for Magnus, Catarina, and Ragnor to lead the way out.

The moment they were all outside, Catarina and Ragnor's teasing exploded like it had been trapped in them both for far too long and had to get out. On the walk to the bar they were heading to Magnus couldn't tell if Alec was oblivious to Catarina and Ragnor's attempts at embarrassing him or purposely ignoring it to show it wasn't getting to him. Either way, Magnus was thankful, happy to have Alec by his side as they walked.

A blast of the cold evening air had Magnus shivering into his jacket. Discreetly he watched out the corner of his eye as Alec did the same. Alec caught his eye and tilted his chin forward, where Catarina and Ragnor had relented on their teasing of Magnus to _bicker_ , laughing softly as they taunted one another instead.

Once inside the bar, Ragnor directed them into a corner insisting he be the one to buy drinks. Magnus smiled and waved away Alec's apology when his knee knocked against his under the table the moment they sat down. Alec's answering smile put flutters in Magnus' stomach that he felt foolish for.

"Seriously, Magnus. That was great. I kind of feel like you've been holding out on me. With the poetry thing."

A bubble of pride rose in Magnus' throat, and though hesitant, he pressed back against him when Alec didn't move his leg. "Thank you."

"You're really, really good. I'd like if—maybe you can show me some of your stuff sometime?"

"I'm sure Magnus will be happy to show you his _stuff_ anytime, Alec," Catarina said as she joined them, though didn't sit.

Magnus closed his eyes, pretending his friends weren't quite as troublesome as they really were. When he opened them again and dragged his knee away from the warmth of Alec's, Ragnor appeared, winking and sliding drinks in front of them both. A tall glass of beer for Alec and the most overly-decorated martini Magnus had ever seen, coupled with comments about the food on offer that could be considered an aphrodisiac.

"Catarina and I are leaving you," Ragnor announced then without explanation, spinning away without another word. Magnus looked to Catarina, who stood there with a devilish grin on her face before making the lewdest of gestures that had Magnus gripping the table for support. Alec turned to follow Magnus' gaze, openly laughing at Ragnor's exaggerated wink from the doorway.

Magnus allowed himself to feel a little relief that Alec really didn't seem at all fazed by Catarina and Ragnor's behavior. Though he didn't truly relax until they were on the other side of the door.

"So," Magnus said after a few much-needed moments to compose himself. "That—those are my friends."

Alec chuckled and let out a groan as he tipped his head back against the wall behind their table. "Yeah."

"They are… well—"

"Yeah. They _are_ ," Alec agreed, laughing again, leaving Magnus relieved once more to see nothing but amusement there on Alec's face.

"So," Alec said after taking a long gulp of beer; now Magnus breath was catching, because the tone of Alec's voice meant questions. Magnus wasn't sure he was ready for questions at all.

"So," he echoed, hoping he'd get through whatever Alec had to say without making a fool of himself.

"Your, uh—your poems. They're really something, you know?"

Magnus gave a tight smile, unsure of how else to respond.

"You're really good, Magnus. How come you've never told me about writing before now?"

The corner table they were sat at felt suddenly too cramped, too closed in. Magnus' eyes darted involuntarily to the exit. "I suppose, because we have not known each other very long."

Alec nodded as though deep in thought, taking another swig of his beer. Magnus' stomach dropped as he watched him, hit with the reminder that he was nothing more than an awkward man who could never hold a decent conversation or anyone's interest beyond fleeting. That people took in his appearance and thought him brighter, and far more entertaining than he really was. When all he really was, was _this_.

"Like I said before," Alec said. "I'd like to know you better, Magnus. If you want to, that is."

At the soft shyness in Alec's voice Magnus had to look at him, not trusting to believe what he was hearing. Alec's smile was hopeful, and there was a light blush to his cheeks that Magnus couldn't help but find adorable. Even Alec's general body language was nothing but open, as though his every word matched his every gesture.

Magnus couldn't help leaning in, wanting to be closer to Alec. "What would you like to know?"

"I can ask you questions?"

"You can ask me anything you want to."

Alec smiled and gave a sharp nod, as though stalling for thinking time. "Catarina said you wrote. That you've done it for a while. So you still write now, right? Obviously, with the poetry, but more than that too?"

Magnus watched Alec's fingers drumming against his glass in a clear show of nerves. Magnus smiled to see it, allowed it to help him realize he wasn't the only one feeling awkward.

"I do. I write poetry, the occasional short story. I write some pieces for an online publication. I have a book that has probably been in progress since before I met Ragnor, along with many other works in progress."

Alec smiled, shaking his head, and Magnus could tell he had questions about them too. Though he had to deflect the attention from himself for feeling far too scrutinized.

"Ragnor and I attended the same classes in college—you were right the other day; we both studied English. Ragnor is—you've _met_ Ragnor; there is no further explanation required. On our first day, he sat beside me in a lecture theater; mocked my clothes; stole a pen. We have been friends ever since."

"That's nice. I mean, it's good to have friends like that."

"It is," Magnus agreed, curious about Alec's own friendships since he rarely mentioned anyone besides his sister and sister-in-law. "Catarina on the other hand, I have known since second grade. I have been an unwilling assistant to Catarina's _surgeries_ on various dolls and soft toys for more years than I would like to admit."

"She always wanted to be a doctor?" Alec asked, his eyes crinkling with laughter.

"She always wanted to help people, yes. Whereas I and Ragnor spent most of our Spring Breaks in various bars and on more dancefloors than I can remember, Catarina was always volunteering somewhere, doing what she could."

"So where did you and Ragnor study?" Alec asked, sipping at his beer.

"New York. Columbia."

Magnus watched Alec's face cloud over for a split second before he hid it behind a smile. "That's where I'm from. New York, I mean."

"I see." Yet another subject Alec didn't want to talk about; his home. Magnus stored the questions he had away for another time, along with so many others.

"I, uh… I'm starting over here, really. Making a couple of friends. It's not easy."

Magnus fought hard against the urge to reach out and wrap a hand around Alec's arm at hearing the sadness in his voice, instead giving a small nod that urged him to continue.

"It's not all bad either," Alec continued. "I was lucky enough to go into Maia's store not long after I got here, and she sort of… we hit it off, I think. The comic book store near you?"

"I know it." 

"She's… Maia's great. And she has these game nights over the store in her apartment sometimes. I love my sister, and her wife, obviously. But it's… it feels good, you know? Getting to know other people? To _have_ my own people here, I guess?" 

Magnus smiled in understanding. "Maia was at the recital?"

"Maia. Andrew—"

"Andrew?" Magnus blurted out before he could stop himself.

"Yeah. I met him at a couple of the game nights. He's a firefighter too, so it's good sometimes to have someone who knows what that's about, but not know _me_ , you know? I'm not making any sense," Alec said then, laughing at himself and groaning before taking another swig of his beer.

"I think I know what you mean," Magnus told him, that burst of jealousy earlier for _Andrew_ still there but dulled somewhat. He had no _right_.

"And back home, I didn't really have that much time for friends. My family, obviously; my brother Jace, and Izzy are my closest friends, really—and my little brother Max. I didn't have a lot of time for anything else."

"I imagine that the fire service is somewhat demanding of your time. Your schedule was quite challenging?" Magnus guessed, happy for the subject change though wincing at the darkness that clouded Alec's expression.

"It was," Alec agreed, nodding carefully, and looking Magnus over as though deciding what exactly to tell him. Magnus nodded in encouragement.

"I, uh—my dad was..." Alec's words trailed away, and as desperate as Magnus was to hear them he sat patiently, taking in the sudden defensive stance of Alec's shoulders, waiting for him to speak. "You know. I used to—when I was a kid, I idolized my father," Alec said, as though he was now talking to himself. Magnus' interest was well and truly piqued but he kept perfectly still, hoping it would encourage Alec to continue. "But it turns out that was a mistake. He was lying to our family the whole time. And when we found out, it just… everything was such a mess. I had to help fix things. I didn't have any choice. So, caring for my family kind of became the only thing I had time for outside of work."

Magnus' fingers twitched with the need to reach out and comfort Alec then, though he forced himself to hold back, not wanting to invade Alec's space when he was trying to talk. But when Alec didn't speak, and Magnus didn't know how to help, he cleared his throat for Alec's attention. "Forgive me, Alec. I don't believe we have spoken of your father before."

Alec nodded, lips pursed, confusion and anger clouding his expression. "My dad had an affair. He'd been having them for years, apparently, but the last one… it caused so many problems. For my family. For his work. Everything, really. All that deception, and deceit, and _corruption_ in the end; I think the first time I stopped worrying what new scandal or secret was about to break, was when I woke up in Izzy's spare bedroom here."

"I'm so sorry, Alec." What else could he say? Magnus could tell Alec was only giving him the briefest of details and didn't want to pry for more.

"My dad needed taking care of; he was a mess after everything happened," Alec said. To Magnus it sounded as though he was reassuring himself, leaving Magnus to wonder how many times he'd felt the need to defend himself for it. Though that only raised more questions.

"When you say, needed... I take it that he is no longer—"

"He's dead." Alec's tone was cold, and wooden, and made Magnus want to reach for him all over again.

"I am very sorry, Alec."

For a moment, Alec did nothing but scowl at the glass in his hand.

"May I ask—how?" Magnus cursed under his breath for the words that slipped out unchecked, and braced for Alec's anger. He watched as Alec visibly seemed to grow smaller, tucking into himself, trying to disappear.

"I… guess you could say, it was the drink," Alec said eventually, so quietly Magnus found himself leaning in even closer to hear him.

"I am—very sorry, Alec," Magnus repeated, helpless for anything else to say.

"Yeah, well. I can't change anything now."

Silence hit them then, with Magnus desperate to be able to make simple conversation that would take away the look of sadness on Alec's face.

"My, uh—my mom," Alec said out of nowhere; Magnus gripped the edge of the table again and sat perfectly still, as though he could feel the importance of whatever Alec was about to say.

"My mom's amazing. She recently took over as fire chief of my old place—Jace still works there. Both of my parents were my heroes when I was a kid, really. Dad was with NYPD."

"Those are both heroic jobs in their own ways."

"Yeah. They are," Alec agreed with the ghost of a smile. "I think Max changes his mind over which he wants to do every week still."

"Of course."

"Max is in boarding school now. He—things were hard on him anyway, with our family. A couple—a few years ago now, he got in trouble for setting fire to something in class. Dad insisted he go to boarding school. He's only ever back home for the school holidays."

"Well. If he is happy there…"

"Yeah, he is," Alec replied with a growing smile. "Honestly though? That school is teaching him some crass language. Sometimes he sends me messages and I just… Jace and I, at the firehouse, we cursed—a _lot_. Everyone did. But hearing it from my kid brother is just _wrong_." 

"Do you speak often?" Magnus asked, echoing Alec's smile.

"We message all the time. And Jace; when I first got here, I was a mess, and I didn't really speak to him as much as I should. But we're good now. I miss him," Alec added, his shoulders dropping again. "Though I had to come here. I couldn't stay; not after everything that happened."

"Well. Perhaps when you are both ready, he will come to visit," Magnus said. "If anything, taking a little time for yourself is… noble. I hope you don't feel bad for doing that."

"Can't say I've done much in life that's _noble_ , Magnus," Alec replied, though his smile was easier when he looked at him.

"I will disagree," Magnus told him, shaking his head and wishing he could find the right words to say.

"How did we get to speaking about me all of a sudden, anyway?" Alec said then, shifting the subject verbally as well as with a physical shift of his entire body.

Magnus forced back the impatient sigh that threatened to make an appearance, instead offering a small smile. "I studied English literature. I am a disappointment to my father. I make very good tea."

Alec snorted, shaking his head. "Disappointment to your father?"

"I could never hope to be good enough in his eyes. And, thankfully, it has been a while since I stopped trying to be. Though it is still… difficult." Magnus wished he could put into words better what he felt, even explain his situation to Alec since he'd just shared so much with him. But he couldn't find the right thing to say, so toyed with the stem of his glass and said nothing.

"Well. I understand that, maybe a little. I think I spent my whole childhood trying to make my dad proud of me. I don't think he ever was; not even in the end."

Alec's words made Magnus want to reach for him again. "I'm sorry, Alec."

"What are _you_ sorry for? It was my dad who… he was the one that messed everything up. Not anybody else." Alec laughed drily then, shaking his head again and nudging against his arm. "It's fine, Magnus. These things were a long time ago now. And if they weren't, well, they're still in the past. And we're doing it again. How come we're back to talking about me? I mean..."

Magnus watched then as Alec's words trailed away to nothing, staring back at him as though searching for something before shaking his head, clearly confused.

"I don't get it, Magnus."

One long, thick thud of his heart had Magnus fearing whatever Alec was thinking. "You don't get what, Alec?"

"I don't find it easy, talking to anyone. Not even Jace, and Izzy, and they know everything there is to know about me. But with you, it's just... it _is_ easy." The still-confused smile Alec gave Magnus then felt like a reward, and Magnus smiled back attempting to inject all of the warmth and affection he could into it.

"Well. I find it easy to talk to you too, Alec."

"Anyway," Alec said, clearing his throat after a few seconds of them staring at each other. "Back to you."

Magnus' heart beat up a protest, but he was determined to speak since Alec had found the strength to.

"Well. When I was very young, my parents argued, and fought, and threw things," Magnus said, keeping his eyes firmly on the table and away from Alec. "My father has always been a cruel, vindictive man. Though my mother could argue—sometimes I thought the house might fall down for how loudly they were yelling."

"Yeah, I can relate a little to that," Alec agreed with a sigh. "My parents argued a _lot_."

"My mother was a wonderful parent. Warm, affectionate—and always baking. She died when I was eight," Magnus added, the grief for losing her rising up in him forcing him to close his eyes. Though he opened them again for the gentle hand pressed to his arm.

"Magnus. I'm so sorry."

"It was an accident," he said, trying not to remember and in doing so unable to stop. "My parents had been arguing. She took the car keys and ran out. The weather was awful; I think we'd had non-stop rain for hours. She… there was an accident."

"Magnus…"

Magnus forced back the memories again and covered Alec's hand briefly with his own. "My mother… my father tried to erase her memory from the house. I remember sneaking her recipe books and some pieces of jewelry—and some photographs—to Catarina's to hide. I found out much, much later, that my mother had a trust fund set up for me, and a life insurance policy that paid directly into it for when I was old enough to go to college. My father resented me for that, as he does for just about everything else."

"I'm so sorry," Alec said again. Magnus hated that he'd put such sorrow on his face so was determined to change the subject.

"In any case. I had a good friend to help me through much of that. It isn't all _bad_."

"Catarina?" Alec asked, smiling gently and leaving Magnus have what felt like a constant internal battle not to lean over and kiss him like he'd wanted to do since the moment they'd sat down. And long before.

"Catarina," Magnus confirmed. "With her as my... I suppose as my _voice_ , I was fine. She was the one who helped me when I retreated into myself after my mother's death, when I didn't know how to speak to anyone. She encouraged me to have more confidence. She was the first person I shared any of my writing with, when I was very young."

"She's been a good friend to you," Alec summarised, smiling yet again.

"She has."

"What you said about your dad. And your _mom_. Is that why you wrote some of that stuff? What you just said about—about growing up?" Alec asked then, carefully turning his gaze away as though he knew Magnus wouldn't want to be looked at.

Magnus thought about doing his usual spiel of denial, of changing the subject again, of doing anything but telling the truth. But looking Alec over he found he couldn't. "Yes."

Alec nodded, with a quick bite to his lower lip that he immediately dropped, but Magnus had to force himself not to keep looking at. "Did—does it help? Getting it all down like that?"

"At times, yes."

Another wall of silence grew between them, but this one didn't feel overwhelming or in any way negative. When Alec looked at him the only thing Magnus felt was that he understood him. Magnus wasn't sure he'd ever felt that with anyone besides Catarina and Ragnor so basked in the feeling, echoing Alec's smile.

When he didn't trust himself not to say something stupid Magnus held up his glass in toast, smiling as Alec raise his glass to clink them together.

"Well. Here's to you. I hope that you find whatever it is that you need here, Alec."

Alec nodded, knocking their drinks together for a second time. And after Alec had dropped him home Magnus climbed into bed, replaying every one of Alec's words, savoring the memory of his smile.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

**Alec**

"We don't ever talk about it."

Alec followed the noise of the mug of coffee clattering in front of him on the table to its source as Izzy slid down in the seat opposite. The uncomfortable look on her face warned Alec to prepare for a difficult conversation.

If he were the one to start a _talk_ it was just about manageable because he'd be the one to initiate then lead it, having spent hours planning his words in advance to try and imagine every possible outcome. But when forced into a corner by anyone else over the slightest unpleasant situation, _talking_ made Alec's throat tighten and his breathing more labored, and the urge to be anywhere but where he was currently hit him square in the chest. Though even with Izzy staring at him waiting for him to answer, Alec couldn't stop an idle thought about how easy it was for him to talk to _Magnus_.

"What?" Alec asked, attempting to sound disinterested.

Izzy took her time to take a sip of her coffee. Alec's eyes fell to the way she toyed with her wedding ring as he'd seen her do so often when needing the comfort. "Any of it. All of it, I guess."

It was rare for Alec to see Izzy struggling with what she wanted to say, and that hesitance did nothing but put him even further on edge, ready to defend himself.

"Iz. You need to be a bit more specific."

Alec watched Izzy's ring spin around her finger and sank back further into his chair, hit with a wave of guilt. His heart pounded to the point of discomfort; how much of his nightmare had spilled out loud enough to wake her and Clary? How much had Izzy heard earlier that morning when she'd desperately shaken him awake? How much—

"Did... Alec; did you ever forgive me?"

The mug slipped from Alec's fingers to clunk against the table in surprise, a splash of coffee arching up to splatter against the table. Alec pressed his fingertip into it in an attempt to mop it up. "For what?"

Izzy's sigh was mournful; she couldn't even lift her gaze from her own mug to look Alec in the eye. "For leaving? For everything that happened because of the divorce? For letting you deal with Dad on your own when I went off to college?"

An assault of memories rose up for Alec, whirling around him so quickly he felt he was in the eye of a tornado. No matter how hard he gripped his mug to anchor him to the room, to keep himself _present_ , the world around him continued to seem to spin far too fast. To focus instead of allowing his heart to keep racing Alec latched onto a single thought, trying to find his way through. Though immediately he wished he'd chosen a different memory.

Alec relived driving Izzy to college, then driving away from the campus with his heart breaking at being really away from his sister for the first time in his life. The peace of their _road trip_ evaporated, leaving Alec more alone than he ever had felt. Though he was thankful for the long drive home alone, hoping he could manage his anguish by the time he was back, have time to slip behind the mask people were more used to seeing him wear.

Alec's growing feeling of dread had grown heavier the closer he got to home, for knowing he'd be coming back to see his warring parents. They hadn't stopped fighting since his mom discovered his dad having an affair. Jace seemed unfazed by it all which only left Alec feeling more foolish for being so devastated, like there was something _weak_ , and _childish_ about him for being as hurt as he was. 

Though Jace never seemed to be around when they argued, leading to Alec being sure they were deliberately trying to protect Jace from seeing them at their worst; a thought that only made _Alec_ feel even worse. His parents had no such qualms about arguing in front of Max, however, or about exposing him to all the fallout that came after. Alec tried to shield him from the fighting, wincing for the yelling and screaming he could hear from elsewhere in the house while slipping into his mask, and for Max acting like nothing was wrong. At the height of it, Alec longed to find solace in his own apartment, but couldn't face the thought of leaving Max alone.

When their dad's affair became a scandal at his precinct and news about their family started showing up in the local news, the Lightwood family suffered daily devastation. Alec stopped sleeping for lying awake wondering what the latest scandal would be to break. Would it be yet another woman coming forward about a clandestine meeting? More insalubrious details of his father being paid off to let criminals walk? Or the whispers about the Lightwood family's wealth which had no grounds in _scandal_ , but still made people talk? 

Walking down the street left Alec feeling like everyone was watching him, whispering behind their hands. He'd grown even more withdrawn, taking his frustration out on punch bags and sparring matches in the gym when he wasn't working. To drown out the noise of his parents continuing to fight, Alec even spent a little time teaching a little sparring to Max.

Robert Lightwood spiraled for the scandal, losing his job, his friends and family, and his self-respect. His mom packed his dad's bags the day _her_ picture appeared in the newspaper painting her as a naive trophy wife who had married into money, claiming she turned an eye to his indiscretions to cover up her own. Alec loved his parents equally, had been torn over what to do for the best. The defeated look in his father's eyes had competed with the one of betrayal in his mother's, as Alec had quietly gathered his father's possessions and called them a taxi.

His father had moved into the spare room of Alec's apartment and never left. Alec started to dread coming home after shifts sometimes for not knowing what state he'd find him in. Alec taking care of him had strained his relationship with his mom for a while, with several months passing before she would even talk to him. Though things had improved with the divorce being finalized, his mother looking truly free again for the first time in years.

To protect his siblings, Alec rarely told any of them about how bad their dad was at times. They didn't need to know about the days when he couldn't drag himself from bed, wouldn't shave, or Alec would find him passed out on the couch with an empty bottle of bourbon. Alec gave up what little social life he had to try to care for him. And in the end, it had been for nothing. But that wasn't Izzy's fault.

"There isn't anything to forgive," Alec said, shrugging with indifference even if he felt anything but, trying to push away the black cloud that had descended for his trip down memory lane.

"But Alec—"

"It's fine, Izzy. It's all fine. Everything's okay now."

It wasn't; nothing was okay in Alec's world. Max still lashed out at school, his mother had lost any shred of trust she had in people outside of her immediate family. Alec was haunted by watching his dad deteriorate and being helpless to reverse it. The few times his dad had ended up in the hospital it was _Alec_ who was to blame for not telling anyone how serious his condition was, and then _Alec's_ fault for airing the family laundry in public for taking him to the hospital in the first place. And then the accident happened, destroying the only sense of purpose Alec had left in his life along with everything else that made him _him_. 

"You should never have had to take care of him by yourself. Or at _all_ , Alec. If we'd known, we could have helped."

"Do you really think I was going to tell you, when you were studying so hard? Izzy, I wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize that."

"But you did so much on your own."

"It's done. It's over now. So let's just… Izzy, please. It's done. And besides," Alec added, hesitating before reaching out to quickly squeeze her arm against the table. "I think you've more than repaid the favor by letting me stay here."

After the fire, Alec had woken up in the hospital in such excruciating pain that it felt impossible to be alive. Izzy's was the first face his eyes had fallen on when the fog of medication had cleared enough for him to notice anyone was there with him. She'd dropped everything to take the first flight back to New York to be with him, greeting him with a teary smile.

Alec had been in and out of consciousness so much of the time in the beginning but could still remember Clary and Izzy telling him not to worry about a thing. They'd packed up the few personal items he had in his apartment, clearing up the mess that Robert had left it in over the months. When he'd broken down unable to face the thought of even staying in New York, Izzy's insistence that Alec come to live with her had been his lifeline. She'd even taken over the sale of his apartment and any paperwork he needed for insurance and work until he was lucid enough to deal with any of it himself.

"If you honestly think I'd want—I'd _let_ you be anywhere else than here after—after everything..."

Izzy's words trailed away since they both knew the sentence didn't need finishing. Though instead of being soothed by Izzy's support Alec was hit by another wall of memories. This time of smoke, and heat, and fear. He shut them down before they could take hold, gulping his coffee and scraping his chair back to stand.

"Refill?" Alec said, already returning to the table with the coffee jug. Izzy sighed as though holding back a comment he wouldn't want to hear.

"I'm doing okay, Izzy," Alec said, keeping his voice purposely low to disguise the tremble there. Because he both was and wasn't doing okay. Sometimes everything was good; Alec thought immediately of Magnus and his cafe, and Maia's store. But sometimes he felt as though he was at the bottom of a well with no way to climb back out, seeing daylight far up and out of reach as the slickened walls closed in around him and the air filled with acrid smoke. Alec forced that image away along with all the others, refusing to let his thoughts spiral again.

"Alec—"

The gentleness of Izzy's voice made Alec want to vomit. He closed his eyes and braced for whatever Izzy was about to say as best as he could.

"What? _What_ , Iz?"

Izzy swallowed hard, her eyes filling with tears. "Last night. You were—you were crying out for him to _stop_. You were—I didn't know what to do, Alec. Normally your nightmares are about the fire, and I just—I didn't know what to do."

The anguish on Izzy's face had Alec riding a wave of guilt, and a hundred more images rushed through his mind fighting for his attention. Thinking that he should leave, that Izzy shouldn't have to wake him from his nightmares and feel like she needed to help him constantly.

Alec knew his nightmares must have roots in his conversation with Magnus the previous evening, though that was in no way Magnus' fault either. This was his mess, and he would deal with it, in his own way, in his own time.

"I know you don't want to—I know you hate the idea of _counseling_ , but—"

"Not gonna happen." The snap of Alec's barriers crashed down with the bite of his words, his jaw clenching tight until his teeth were grinding.

"But you can still talk about it," Izzy continued. "You can talk to me about anything. With me. With Jace. With Clary. You know that, right?"

Alec didn't want to _talk_. "I know."

"I just—I can't stand the thought of you going over and over all of this in your own head alone. I don't want you to feel like you need to keep taking care of everyone else. Maybe it's time for you to take care of yourself a little, Alec?"

"I am." Alec _was_ taking care of himself. He was taking his pain medication, applying all the treatments he needed for his skin to recover, going to see the doctor monitoring his recovery every other week. He was trying to sleep even it was torture, even when sometimes just closing his eyes would bring on the nightmares no matter what time of day it was. But he _was_ trying, most of the time anyway. And that was all he was capable of. All anyone could ask of him. And since Alec's world had grown so small, since there were so few people who were actually asking—

"I talked to Magnus a little last night," Alec admitted to cut off that train of thought, surprising himself with his choice of words. The moment he realized what he'd said he dropped his gaze for Izzy's sudden look of interest.

"Really?" Izzy's tone made that one word feel like a teasing accusation; Alec pressed his lips together in a hard line and fought hard against the urge to turn and flee.

"Yeah. We, uh—he did this poetry recital, you know? I mean," Alec said, defensive all over again, "it's not really my thing, but—"

But Izzy cut him off with an amused burst of laughter. "Not your _thing_? Alec. Your Youtube history is probably full of slam poets if it's anything like that last time I saw it. You _love_ that stuff."

"Anyway," Alec said, glaring at her. "I was talking about _Magnus_. He's... unbelievably good. And afterward, we went for a drink. Got talking for a while."

Izzy's face twitched again; Alec recognized the look as one of Izzy desperate to say something teasing but fighting hard against it. "That's great, Alec. Magnus is amazing."

Alec agreed, though didn't trust the way his words might come out, so they sat in mostly-comfortable silence for a while as they finished their coffee.

"Promise me," Izzy said suddenly, staring at Alec intently and making him feel as though the walls were closing in around him all over again.

"What?"

"Promise me if things get too much, promise me you'll tell me. That we'll do something about it. Together. That you'll let us _help_."

For a moment Alec considered laughing it off, changing the subject, doing anything but listen to what Izzy was trying to tell him without saying the actual words. But Izzy wasn't blind, she'd already seen far too much. She was the one who Alec woke to worriedly looking down at him in the middle of the night when his nightmares were too overwhelming. She was the one who wordlessly passed him a glass of water when he'd shakily made his way to the kitchen after throwing up for no other reason than out of nowhere panic.

Izzy was also the one, Alec tried and failed to forget, who had silently slid her fingers over Alec's in an uncharacteristically gentle gesture when he'd all but broken down at the dinner table, quietly leading him away from Clary's sympathetic gaze. Izzy had led Alec to his bedroom and perched beside him on the bed, Alec pressing his face into her shoulder and her shirt soaking with his tears.

Alec couldn't pretend to Izzy, not even if he wanted to. And even trying to distract her from the subject by talking about Magnus couldn't throw her off. Defeat had his shoulders dropping. Alec was unable to do much else but let out a small, tired sigh. "I can promise I'll try to tell you."

Izzy frowned for Alec's compromise but then sighed, showing her reluctant acceptance. "Please do."

More silence hit them, with Alec frantically searching for something to say that might ease the mood, lighten it a little. Partly because he couldn't take it, he couldn't deal with it all right now. And partly because he hated seeing the concern on Izzy's face, knowing he was the one putting it there.

"I have something to show you," Alec said as an idea occurred to him, dragging himself to his feet and disappearing only to return a few moments later with a couple of sketchbooks. He sat back down, containing the grimace that would show how the sudden movement shot a lancing pain through him. Izzy caught his wince anyway. But before she could comment Alec slid the books across to her, biting his lip as he waited for her to look through.

"What's this?" Izzy half-mumbled, her eyes growing wide and a smile lighting up her face as she started to turn the pages. "Alec. You're drawing again?"

Alec nodded, continuing to watch Izzy looking through his art. Her fingers traced the outline of some, and Alec caught her proud smile every time she turned a page.

"You've got even better," Izzy told him softly; Alec felt a rush of blush to his cheeks.

With Izzy half-distracted, it was a little easier to speak. Alec cleared his throat, toying with his mug. "I tried going in to the firehouse again."

Izzy paused between pages, slowly dragging her gaze up to Alec's face. "How was it?"

Alec allowed the impatience and anger at himself out in a blasted sigh, feeling it rage through him. "Still stupid. Still can't go in."

"Not stupid. Completely understandable," Izzy corrected, then forced herself to keep looking at Alec's sketches as if knowing looking elsewhere would encourage him to speak.

"Then I _feel_ stupid. It's—it's all I've ever known, you know? All I ever wanted to do. Aside from _this_ , obviously," Alec added, jabbing his thumb at the sketchpad.

"You could do something with _this_ ," Izzy told him, glancing up briefly then quickly looking away again. "You're more than good enough. You could probably go to college, or take night classes, or—"

"I don't want any of that," Alec said with a dismissive wave of his hand. Though he did remember the flyer he'd seen pinned up in the bookstore yesterday for night classes that he'd half-considered attending.

"Alec. Even if it's just for fun—you should think about it."

Alec made another non-committal sound, unconsciously drumming his fingers on the table. "Maybe. Anyway. The point is, how am I ever getting back to work if I can't even get myself through the door of that damn building, huh?"

This time Izzy gently closed the sketchpad and pushed it away just out of her reach. "Maybe you need more time. It's only really been a few months since the—"

"And the longer I leave it, the harder it gets," Alec interrupted with a forceful shake his head.

"Is it still what you want to do? That's what is important to think about in all this," Izzy said, staring at Alec in a way that reminded him of how much faith Izzy seemed to put in him, like she thought he could do anything. It was a heavy burden to have to live with sometimes.

"It's all I know."

"It isn't. And that isn't an answer, either, you know."

"It's all I know," Alec repeated, shaking his head again.

Izzy continued staring, and Alec's heart began to race for it, recognizing Izzy's expression. His need to be anywhere but there in that kitchen fought with the fear that had frozen him to his chair. He couldn't escape Izzy's question even if he tried.

"Do—tell me you don't blame yourself, Alec." Izzy's voice was heartbroken, as though she couldn't bear the thought of even saying the words.

Alec, of course, couldn't answer, not honestly.

"Alec."

"If I'd been quicker, done something—anything different, maybe I could—"

"Alec, you pulled people out alive, on your own. You saved lives, Alec, and you went back into that burning, collapsing building, and almost got yourself killed—"

"It's what we do, Izzy. Kinda the whole point of—"

"Alec." Izzy cut him off with that same broken tone from earlier, and Alec curled in on himself, shielding against the fear in Izzy's voice. "Alec, you did all you could. You nearly—you nearly didn't make it out yourself. I almost lost you."

"Stop being such a drama queen. I'm still here, Iz." Alec offered a small smile that didn't stand a chance at reaching his eyes. Because some days he really was here, but on others he was back in that building with the ceiling caving in, the flames licking over and stripping him of his skin as he tried to—

"Alec. Please, _please_ don't do this. Don't blame yourself for—"

"You think I want to feel like this?" Alec barked back, sudden irrational anger boiling through him. "You think I like being this mess that can't even—I can't even get a night's sleep because of all these nightmares? You think I—"

"I think you're too hard on yourself. I think you're the bravest, most courageous person I know. And that you've spent your whole life looking out for other people. For people you should never have needed to look out for. That's what I think."

Alec's breathing grew painfully labored for Izzy's words, the telltale tendrils of panic beginning to leach through him until the edge of his vision started to blur and his chest ached as though it was being stood on.

"Someone had to," he retorted, forcing himself to breathe slower and think of something, anything else to distract himself.

"You shouldn't have had to," Izzy repeated, looking so thoroughly sorry for him that Alec felt sick, and even more broken.

"I can't do this, Izzy. Can't—I'm dealing with it, okay? Just—I can't, not right now."

"I know. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push, I just—"

"I know," Alec agreed, offering another tight smile. Because of course Izzy meant well, of course Izzy wanted to help. But if Izzy could see how charred and burnt and broken he was on the inside sometimes, how empty he already was. Maybe she'd see there was nothing left to rescue. Maybe she'd finally give up on him.

 _No_ , Alec told himself firmly, biting back the urge to break down, to let out all of the rage, anger, and hurt that churned in him, holding it all back because he had to deal with it alone. That was his job, to keep things to himself, to just _deal_ with it. It always had been.

"Can I—do you need anything? Can I do anything?" Izzy asked, looking on helplessly as Alec collected up their empty mugs and made himself busy washing them.

"Nope. I'm good. I'm going back to bed for a while."

Alec left the room before Izzy could comment further, lowering himself gingerly to his bed and staring up at the ceiling with the sun streaming in through the windows, knowing sleep wouldn't come to claim him any time soon.

* * *

Perhaps it was inevitable, but the moment Alec woke from his restless sleep later that afternoon, his first thought was of Magnus. Their evening together had stirred up a mix of emotions both good and bad, leaving Alec wanting more of the same—and definitely more of Magnus.

Alec had argued with himself, fought against what he was feeling for Magnus. But there seemed no actual way to shut it off. So he'd decided that there were so many awful things constantly on his mind currently, that he didn't have the energy to fight his growing attraction for Magnus as well. Not that Alec was going to actually do anything about it. Magnus didn't deserve to have to deal with his messes; he was far too good for that.

But Magnus, it seemed, didn't view Alec as having any _messes_. When the urge to see Magnus grew too much for Alec to ignore he went to him. Magnus' face broke into a beautiful smile the second Alec walked through the door of Leaves. He waved him forward gesturing for Alec to sit at the counter, looking him over before turning with a dramatic spin on his heel. Alec watched him make a pot of tea that he then shook his head ruefully at for drinking, because it actually tasted _good_.

Magnus watched with his bottom lip trapped between his teeth as Alec tucked into a new kind of pie filling he was experimenting with, waiting for his reaction. Alec's first bite into the salted caramel apple made his stomach protest for more, making him realize how long it had been since he last ate.

"Magnus," he said as he shoveled another forkful into his mouth, "this is so good; you have to make more of this."

"Are you sure?" Magnus asked, adorably uncertain. Alec grinned unchecked, scooping up some more and deliberately hummed his appreciation so Magnus couldn't help but get the picture.

"So good," Alec repeated anyway. Magnus gave a pleased smile, reaching out and taking up a forkful himself.

"How was your morning?" Magnus asked as they finished off the slice between them.

Alec shrugged, regretting it immediately because of the tightness across his shoulders. Magnus' eyes flew immediately to the jerked movement and narrowed, raising for another moment to look over Alec's face. Alec heard a soft sigh before Magnus was spinning away again, watching as he pulled together the ingredients for a sandwich Alec knew was destined for him.

"It was—I slept a bit. I didn't have an easy night of it," Alec admitted, scraping up the very last crumbs of pie on the plate as he waited for Magnus to turn back around.

"I am sorry that you are still having difficulty sleeping," Magnus said, his tone mournful and filling Alec with unnecessary guilt.

"It's not always bad."

"It is bad enough," Magnus argued, pushing a plate in front of Alec, tilting his chin at it and wordlessly telling him to eat.

"You taking care of me, Magnus?" Alec teased, picking up the sandwich and taking a bite, closing his eyes in surprised relief. It was amazing how quickly his appetite switched on and off, and he hadn't eaten anything in almost a day now that he came to think about it—no wonder he felt as though his stomach was eating itself.

Magnus became still, and for a moment Alec thought something had happened whilst he'd been distracted with his sandwich. "I apologize, Alec. I did not mean to—"

"Hey," Alec interrupted immediately, shaking his head, surprised by Magnus' sudden change of behavior. "I'm kidding. I appreciate it. Honestly. This is great; thank you."

"I do not wish to presume—"

"Presume all you want, Magnus," Alec said, waving away Magnus' concern and feeling a rush of affection for Magnus that left him wanting to grin from ear to ear.

Tension dropped from Magnus' shoulders. "Well, okay then, Alec."

"I really enjoyed last night," Alec said when Magnus looked as though he was stuck for something to say.

Magnus gave him a cautious smile back, and nodded. "As did I. Thank you for coming to watch."

Alec smiled, taking another bite of the sandwich. "It was good to see you outside of this place. Not that I don't like it here, I just—it was nice to see you somewhere else."

Alec ignored the taunting voice in his head telling him he was an idiot, instead focusing on how pleased Magnus looked for his words. They passed another half an hour in easy conversation in between customers. Alec felt comfortable with Magnus in a way he was sure he'd not felt in the longest time. He asked Magnus about his studies, and they traded opinions and recommendations for books they both liked. Magnus asked about Izzy and Clary, and shared some stories about Catarina and Ragnor that had Alec howling with laughter, wiping the tears from his eyes and clutching at the counter for support.

Out of what felt like nowhere Dot arrived, and the second she appeared at the counter, whatever kind of spell Alec and Magnus had been under was broken. Magnus was glancing down at his phone suddenly anxious to leave, mumbling quiet instructions to Dot about what she needed to know for her shift.

"You in some kind of hurry, Magnus?" Alec said, watching Magnus put on his jacket looking distracted as though going through a mental checklist as he did.

"I am," Magnus confirmed, scribbling something down for Dot then stepping around to Alec's side of the counter and pausing beside him.

"Hot date?" Alec asked, mentally kicking himself and bracing for the worst, his stomach already sinking at the thought of Magnus meeting somebody else. Magnus became completely still, staring at Alec like he was trying to read his mind.

"No."

"A not hot date?"

Alec shifted uncomfortably on his stool. Where the hell his words were coming from? He was choosing _now_ to try flirting? And so badly at it? And what right did he have to be asking such questions? Magnus didn't owe him any explanations about anything.

Magnus continued to observe him with an increasingly amused smile. "No, Alec. No date. My neighbor is away for a few days and I am feeding her cat; this morning she refused to eat anything. I am worried I might need to take her to see the vet. So I need to check on her now, to see if that is the case or not."

Alec couldn't stop the physical slump of his shoulders that showed his relief; thankfully Magnus either didn't notice or chose not to comment on it. "Oh. Well, if you do, and you need a lift, you've got my number, right?"

Magnus' mouth twitched up into a sweet smile that Alec felt yet another flutter in his heart for seeing. Which was ridiculous.

"That is very kind of you, Alec. Hopefully unnecessary, but thank you."

Alec shrugged, managing to hide his disappointment that he wouldn't have more time with Magnus since he was clearly rushing to leave. He climbed down from his stool making his heart thump louder in the process for how close it put him to Magnus, who didn't even back up to give him room.

"I'll walk out with you. I can—maybe I can drop you home if you want get back quicker?"

The look Magnus rewarded him with, Alec thought he'd still be seeing when he eventually found his way to bed that night, grinning helplessly for Magnus' humble _thanks_. The car ride was only short since Magnus lived just a few minutes away from the cafe. Alec offered to wait in case Magnus wanted to leave for the veterinarian's office again. Magnus declined, shaking his head with a smile, stepping out of the car and turning back to look through the open window to thank Alec for the ride.

"Alec. Would you like to come to my apartment for dinner sometime this week?" Magnus asked, his words coming out in a sudden rush that had Alec wonder if they'd been rehearsed.

"Dinner?" Alec repeated, hearing the word fall out of his mouth stupidly and attempting not to wince for it.

Magnus nodded with a fixed smile that said he doubted his answer, making Alec's pulse race. "You said that you haven't seen me outside of Leaves. I believe my apartment can be considered most definitely _outside_ , yes? Despite it being actually... inside? Though we could eat on the balcony, so _technically_ it's outside… please feel free to stop me from talking at any point."

Alec smiled, his heart surging for Magnus and finding his embarrassment the most adorable thing he thought he'd ever seen. "That sounds good."

The smile Magnus turned on him then was so thankful and so warm, Alec felt himself leaning towards it. After another moment Magnus nodded to himself, then cleared his throat.

"I even have," Magnus said, leaning to rest his forearms on the edge of the open window before looking both ways as though checking that no one else was listening, which was hilarious because the street was practically deserted, "a coffee machine that makes coffee which is almost magical."

Alec's blast of laughter bubbled up from his chest and out, sounding much louder than necessary as it ricocheted around the car's interior. The look on Magnus' face told Alec he approved of such an outburst, grinning back at him just as wide, and waiting for an answer.

"That sounds perfect, Magnus. Let me know when and where. I mean, I know it's _here_ , obviously, but. I'll be there. _Here_."

* * *

Alec stared at his reflection—just past his shoulder so he wouldn't have to look directly at himself—tugging on his shirt cuffs for what had to have been the fifth time. When he saw there really were no more changes he could make—no tweak of his hair, no adjusting of the buttons to somehow cover more of himself—he sighed, closed his eyes, and left the room bracing for more of Izzy's _commenting_.

It wasn't a _date_ , he told himself for what had to be the hundredth time. He and Magnus were just two friends getting to know each other over dinner, maybe with a beer. There was nothing to try hard for or to think too much about. Even though Magnus was cooking and the dinner was at his apartment and they would be alone. Even then.

As he stepped into the lounge his shoulders tensed against whatever Izzy might be about to say making him grimace in advance, preparing for battle.

"Looking good, Alec," Clary said, smiling warmly up at him from the couch and unsubtly hitting Izzy in the stomach to look as well. Izzy's eyes shot up from the book she'd been engrossed in to gave Alec the once over, a gesture that had Alec squirming with discomfort even though he fought not to show it.

"What she said."

Alec rolled his eyes, both at Izzy's tone and in an effort to avoid the smirk there on her face, grabbing the car keys and mumbling a goodbye over his shoulder. He knew without a doubt Clary had warned her not to tease too much.

"We won't wait up," Izzy called, her voice full of amusement; Alec paused just long enough to flip her off and closed the door behind him with a thud that was much louder than necessary.

The drive over to Magnus' was spent with Alec second-guessing himself and fighting with the urge to turn around. A constant barrage of taunts from voices he both recognized and didn't told Alec he was nothing, that he was wasting Magnus' time, that he was wrong to even consider looking at Magnus as anything other than a friend—and even for that to count himself very, very lucky.

But as Magnus pulled the door open wearing a dark red shirt tucked into tight back pants looking as incredible as he always did, Alec's mouth went dry, and his thoughts became distinctly more-than-friendly ones. Those feelings that he'd half-tried to convince himself he didn't want anymore stretched and moved, rolling themselves awake, goading Alec with expectations.

"Hey, Magnus," he blurted out, thrusting the bag he'd brought with him at Magnus' chest and telling himself firmly that his hands were not shaking.

"Alec," Magnus replied, looking him over with a soft smile Alec couldn't help interpret as _interested_.

Magnus stepped back and gestured for Alec to come in. Alec took a deep breath and fixed a smile on his face before stepping inside, begging with himself not to mess things up.

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

**Magnus**

Pacing his apartment, Magnus grew more flustered by the minute. He checked on their dinner again, ensuring that the taste of the sauce he was making hadn't somehow altered in the five minutes since he'd last sampled it. He sped back to the mirror in his bedroom once again doubting his choice of clothes and tugged on his shirt, smoothing a hand over his chest as though that would keep any creases at bay. Anything to keep his hands busy.

Magnus checked his phone repeatedly, still expecting to receive a message from Alec to say he was canceling for some terrible reason, or any reason at all. And as the time for Alec's arrival grew closer, this frantic double checking of everything increased at a dizzying rate, with Magnus' mind apparently determined to contribute further to his sense of panic.

His and Alec's _friendship_ had been a whirlwind of what was really no more than a few weeks. Over that time he'd grown to know Alec better, and had been so thoroughly teased by Ragnor, Catarina—and even Dot sometimes—that on occasion Magnus felt like hiding under his comforter until all the difficult people in his life went away. Which would be nearly all of them, he decided, with a slump of his shoulders and indulging in a moment of self-pity because people would just not let him _be_.

But as always happened of late, his thoughts soon returned to Alec. Would he be wearing that dark green long-sleeved shirt with the detail on the shoulders that he liked seeing on him so much, that Magnus caught himself wishing Alec would pop open the top buttons of? Would his eyes dance with that particular amusement reserved for laughing at the very worst of his jokes? Would his smile be that tired one that said he hadn't been sleeping, that always left Magnus resisting the urge he felt to wrap him up in a hug?

Magnus was only human, doing everything he could to fight his likely unwelcome attraction to Alec. He'd started reciting tea recipes in his head to keep calm whenever he remembered Alec had told him he was a firefighter, because the images that immediately assaulted him on hearing that were more than a little unwholesome, and never failed to play on his mind on repeat if unchecked. Not that he wouldn't _love_ to see some of those images in person.

Just like that, Magnus was lost again to thinking of Alec clad in those firefighter pants and braces and nothing else, which was honestly not helping the situation, or doing anything to settle his nerves. Magnus tried to steer his thoughts elsewhere as he checked the sauce for their steaks yet again, glaring at the time for simultaneously speeding up and slowing down before his eyes.

The doorbell buzzed and Magnus' heart leaped for hearing it, sending him sprinting across his apartment to press the button to open the downstairs door. Of course he then cursed at himself for his theatrics, scowling at a passing mirror as he yet again toyed with his hair. There were a final few seconds of reprieve as he waited for Alec to ride the elevator, and then he would be stepping out into the communal hallway on his floor, and—

The knock on his door made Magnus gasp out loud, then feel thoroughly stupid for such an unnecessary reaction. Magnus swung the door open in what he hoped was an easy, casual manner, chanting to himself to _relax_. Alec was stood on the other side of the door looking about as nervous as he was feeling, and also as though he was trying to hide that fact as much as Magnus was doing himself. That observation did nothing to help Magnus at all, nor did what Alec was wearing. Grey had never been a color Magnus had given much thought to, but this shirt on Alec, one he didn't think he had seen before? Magnus had to swallow repeatedly for his throat drying out. Then scold himself for so closely monitoring Alec's wardrobe.

"Hey, Magnus," Alec said, shoving a paper bag against Magnus' chest giving him a few seconds longer to appreciate the view.

"There was no need to bring anything," Magnus found himself saying, if for nothing else than for

something to get his jaw moving. He turned on his heel once Alec was in his apartment, gesturing for him to follow him to the kitchen. Wincing when he realized he hadn't even said hello. Or had he? Had he at least said his name?

"Magnus. Your place is _amazing_."

Magnus smiled as he set the bag down on the counter, carefully taking out its contents. There was a red wine Magnus had mentioned he liked, a box containing a cake from a stall at the local farmer's market that Magnus had said in passing was his favourite, and a small bag of coffee beans. Magnus ran his finger over the crinkled package and looked up at Alec, catching the way his hand jolted by his side; Magnus recognized the gesture as one of nerves.

"Uh, yeah. Clary and I went—you know. To that place you told me about. I thought you'd like this; it's an Earl Grey infused sponge cake with buttercream. Clary might have made me try some, so I know it's good," Alec added, his hand flying up and then landing on the counter, already drumming his fingers as though he needed to keep his hands busy.

Magnus carefully pulled back the lid of the cake box to look, far more touched for Alec's gesture than he thought he should be for a _cake_. "Thank you. This looks delicious."

"And then I saw this stand for coffee. And you said about your coffee machine, and—"

"Would you like some coffee before we eat?" Magnus asked, moving around the kitchen already to prepare some because he had to hide how hard he was smiling.

"Sounds good."

Magnus ushered Alec from the kitchen telling him to relax, busying himself with the coffee machine. Though he couldn't resist peeking to see what he was doing, smiling to see Alec wandering around his living room as though on patrol, running a finger along the spines of his books. As he watched Magnus couldn't help notice the way Alec still stiffened when he bent a certain way, and had to stop himself calling out, asking about the pain and offering to help.

"What did you do today?" Magnus called instead, clutching on for something to say that was neutral and could steer his thoughts to somewhere less awkward.

Alec walked back towards the kitchen meaning Magnus had to quickly duck inside so he wouldn't realize he'd been watching. "I drew a little this morning. I went to see Maia, and she had me alphabetizing this new stock of anime she just got in for a couple of hours. Bought me lunch for doing it."

Magnus turned and caught Alec's smile. "And how is Maia?"

Alec snorted, watching as Magnus prepared their coffee, his gaze meaning Magnus had to take extra care with his movements so he wouldn't embarrass himself making a mess. "She's good. She's having this games night at her place on Saturday, and wants me to come. She told me to extend the invitation to you as well, but I don't know if it's really your thing? I'd love you to come with me if you wanted to. Not _with_ , obviously, but… you know what I mean."

Magnus set out cups for their coffee with a jug of cream and a bowl of sugar, letting Alec get over his flustered words. He felt as though he had gotten to know Maia better through Alec, even though he'd not really spoken to her properly in a while. Though he was both pleased and surprised to be invited along for anything. "Board games?"

"Yeah. This big, epic, multi-platform, orc-hunting, demon-fighting... thing. I can't remember the name of it. It sounds great, but it's been a while since I played anything so, uh… elaborate."

In between sips of excellent coffee, Magnus started to plate up their dinner taking care to present the meal as perfectly as possible. Ragnor was always exasperated at him for the sloppy way he usually just threw things together when it was just the two of them, and he didn't want Alec to think he was a _slob_. "I don't believe I have ever played a game like that. But I would be willing to try."

Alec moved closer leaving Magnus telling himself he could feel the heat of him beside him. When he spoke, Alec's voice was full of surprise. "Seriously? You'll come with me?"

"Of course. If you want me to."

"I do," Alec said quickly, smiling at Magnus as he turned to look at him. Magnus was _flustered_ under his gaze, quickly crossing the kitchen again just to get a little control.

Dinner, Magnus thought with a sigh of relief as he rinsed their plates to later stack in the dishwasher, was a success, with Alec telling him three times just how perfect the steaks were. They had taken their time to eat, with Magnus happily pausing as Alec pointed things out in their view. Never had he been happier to have a balcony, than when having someone to share it with.

When he followed Alec into the living room moments after ushering him through so he could compose himself, Magnus was brought to a complete standstill by the sight of Alec sitting awkwardly on the couch edge as though he wasn't sure he should have sat down uninvited.

"You look as though you are about to attempt an escape," Magnus told him, keeping his tone light as he closed the gap between them. Magnus slid the bottle of wine and two glasses on to his coffee table, sitting by his side.

"Sorry." Though Alec made no move to sit back.

"Will you have a glass of wine? I know you'll be driving later, but—"

"One will be okay," Alec said, giving Magnus another small smile and this time shifting back as though to get more comfortable. Magnus nodded in approval at what he was seeing and willed his hand not to shake as he poured them both a glass. This was _ridiculous_. He was enjoying Alec's company. There was no reason for him to be worrying over every little detail as though each might alter Alec's opinion of him.

"Besides. I don't think I can move yet anyway. I'm about to slip into a food coma," Alec added, raising his hand to spread wide over his stomach.

"I am impressed you finished everything," Magnus said, taking a sip of wine and briefly closing his eyes to the familiar taste on his tongue. He'd prepared extra beans and potatoes to go with their steaks, pleased to see how much Alec ate.

Alec ducked his head, though not before Magnus could catch the slight, embarrassed smile on his face. "My appetite hasn't been the best lately. When I'm hungry, I feel like I need to eat everything in sight."

Magnus nodded in understanding, more pieces of the puzzle that was _Alec_ fitting into place. He would never use the word _depression_ with Alec, since it was far too soon to be presuming he could broach such a private subject. But Magnus had watched the way Alec's appetite fluctuated between extremes, and concluded it could be a symptom of that. Whatever had happened to Alec during his _accident_ had wounded him in more than one way.

Carefully schooling his expression because he didn't want to ask questions that might make Alec uncomfortable, Magnus took another sip and decided on a subject change. "Do you like to cook, Alec? I know you mentioned cooking for Izzy and Clary."

"Yes, I do. I'm not saying I'm the best at it or anything, but yeah, I like it. I even tried to show Izzy a few basic recipes, but I think she's destined to live on things that just need heating up."

"Is she really that bad?"

"Magnus. The only thing I'd trust her to make in the kitchen is _coffee_. Honestly."

Magnus laughed, wondering if Izzy would deny Alec's accusations if he asked.

"So, what about you?" Alec said, shifting as though physically trying to change the subject, something Magnus had seen him doing a lot. "Where did you learn to cook like that?"

"My mother, I suppose. I still have some of her recipes." Magnus smiled for a memory of standing on a stool beside his mom as she cooked, drawing patterns in some spilled flour on the counter. "It was a long time ago. Though I can still remember so many of the things she cooked."

"Those are great things to remember. It means she's still with you, in a way, I think."

"I agree," Magnus replied. "I miss her, even after all this time. It is very much her influence that inspired me to open Leaves."

"Seriously?" Alec said, leaning forward appearing interested in Magnus' words. Magnus tried to not tell himself it was just because Alec was being kind.

"Yes. She had a large section of our yard dedicated to herbs for making tea with. I would arrive home from school—often upset, because I have never been comfortable hearing other people arguing—and she would look me over, disappear into the yard, and come back minutes later with a handful of things to start making tea with."

"That sounds… good."

Magnus allowed the fond memory to comfort him before continuing. "She had this small, deep-drawered cabinet where she kept dried herbs, and she would mix everything together with these little flares of her fingers as if it was some kind of performance. Sometimes when I was very young she would pretend she was casting a spell over the teapot as though it was a cauldron; often reciting scenes from Macbeth as she did. Not that I realized what the words were from until I was much older, of course."

The look Alec gave him was so endearing, it left Magnus with ringing in his ears.

"And the tea helped?"

"The tea helped," Magnus agreed. "She used chamomile, valerian, and other things to calm me, mixing it with other herbs depending on whatever it was she was seeing when she looked at me."

"Like you do with me all the time," Alec pointed out, smiling and making Magnus' breath catch in the process.

"I suppose."

"And where'd you learn to, you know. Read body language and stuff? You said about the

kinaesthetics once, but I hadn't even heard of it until you told me about it. I had to look it up."

That Alec had actually taken the time to research something he had mentioned to him was bordering on unbelievable to Magnus. Who but Ragnor and Catarina had ever taken such an interest in him?

"Well. When I was in college, I decided that I would take part in a half-marathon," Magnus said, sitting back, feeling his long-faded injuries ahead of talking about them. "I have never had the urge to run in my life; I can only blame Ragnor, and too many shots for putting the idea in my head."

"Oh," Alec said, laughing. "Well, you wouldn't be the only one to make stupid decisions when drunk."

"No, I suppose not," Magnus agreed. "Though this was one of my more foolish endeavors, I have to admit. I entered the marathon with barely any training at all. There was a difficult stretch of road, and it was raining; a few of us slipped, but we completed the race nonetheless. I woke up the next morning barely able to move."

"Cramp?"

"My limbs just decided they had no reason to ever want to bend again," Magnus said with a self-deprecating burst of laughter at himself. "So, I went for physiotherapy. My therapist put me back together, told me about kinaesthetics, and suggested other means of exercise, which resulted in my interest in tai chi. I took a course in kinaesthetics because it sounded interesting at the time. And here we are."

"And here we are," Alec repeated, smiling with that eager look on his face that Magnus still didn't

know what to do with for fear of misinterpreting.

"I have since learned to understand what my customers need from their body language and the look on their face. It has served me well in Leaves."

"It really has. You said you write too?" Alec asked after pausing to take a sip of his wine, absently studying the glass.

"I do, a little. Reviews, opinion pieces, anything to do with literature. It is for a website that specializes in providing support for college students. It is easy work. I have a very laid-back editor, who I think is actually allergic to deadlines. At least, realistic ones. He always gives me so much longer than is ever necessary; I'm convinced he's never written a single article in his entire career for how long he thinks everything should take."

"That sounds pretty good, Magnus."

"I have a good life. A simple one. Though one I hope my mother would be proud of, nonetheless. I wish she could see it sometimes," Magnus added, allowing one more maudlin thought for missing his mother before fixing a smile on his face.

Magnus watched Alec, the way he seemed to be holding himself back, a look of such uncertainty on his face that it took Magnus all of his restraint not to blurt out asking what he was thinking. Was Alec moving as though he was wanting to reach out and comfort him? Was Magnus misinterpreting the entire situation between them because it was something he wanted so much?

For all of Magnus' ability to read people—to sense what they needed, and recognize where they were experiencing pain—he struggled with the more basic understanding of people. There had been times over these past couple of months when he was almost certain there was _interest_ coming from Alec, and at other times left him sure there was nothing between them at all. Some of the things Alec said Magnus had taken to bed at night and overanalyzed until he was cursing himself for not sleeping.

The problem was, and would always be, that Magnus had never been the best judge of character when it came to people. He'd had enough uncertainties even before Woolsey's departure. After he'd gone, Magnus was left as _this_ ; an awkward, outwardly-confident, internally-insecure mess who was forever looking for someone to _love_ him as he was. Even if he constantly denied to anyone who would listen that love was something he wanted.

But Alec seemed to enjoy his company, didn't he? Didn't he go out of his way to come to Leaves several times a week, despite his permanent complaint of a lack of coffee? Didn't the two of them send messages back and forth almost every single day now? Wasn't there a _something_ constantly in the air between them that made his heart frequently jolt?

Alec continued staring at him, before an expression took over his face that told Magnus he was debating about something with himself. That hand Magnus had convinced himself Alec was thinking of reaching out with wrapped in a hesitant curl around Magnus' arm and squeezed, accompanied with a soft, sympathetic smile.

"Magnus. I'm sorry you lost your mother. And I'm sorry things with your father are difficult."

Magnus' throat constricted forcing him to swallow hard, alarmed at himself for the sudden sting of tears he found himself having to hold back. "Thank you."

"And I'm glad you have Catarina and Ragnor," Alec added as he slid his hand away.

"I would be lost without them."

"When I first came here, I wasn't… I didn't even _think_ about making friends. I was in so much pain I didn't put much thought into anything. And now, I'm still _new_ here, but I realize now that back in New York, aside from my family, I didn't really have anyone. My life got really small when I started taking care of my dad."

Magnus recalled everything Alec had told him about his father, from the depression he'd suffered with after losing his job, to the brutal divorce from Alec's mom. To Magnus it seemed that far too much pressure had been put on Alec to deal with his father alone. Though he also knew he had the luxury of being an outsider to the situation—and recognized he would be biased to anything involving Alec.

"I guess what I'm saying, Magnus, is I understand so much of what you're saying. Our circumstances, our lives are very different in a lot of ways. But I get it."

Magnus hesitated then reached out to squeeze his fingers over Alec's against the couch cushion between them, relieved when he smiled at the gesture and lifted his hand just enough to snag around Magnus' thumb.

"Then I hope that now you have decided to stay here, that you will be able to form friendships that are more enduring than you have known. And that you take all the time to heal that you need."

Alec's eyes on Magnus' then had him holding his breath, the look on his face still so difficult to interpret.

"Yeah, me too, Magnus. But I wasn't—I wasn't saying all of that to try and take anything away from what you were saying. I was just—I was just trying to say that I get it. I understand. Dammit," he added, groaning as he pushed his hand through his hair. "How is it so easy to talk to you, and at the same time so hard to make any sense?"

The rush of embarrassed blush to Alec's cheeks had Magnus smiling helplessly, the awkwardness he'd felt an undercurrent of all evening written over Alec's face as well. With renewed confidence, Magnus settled back more comfortably into the couch, twisting to let his forehead knock against Alec's shoulder with a soft hum, before sitting back up and smiling at him ruefully.

"Well. You make sense to me, Alexander."

"... _Alexander_?"

_Dammit_. "Oh, I—"

"No. I like it," Alec said, preventing Magnus from dying of embarrassment for the name he often used for Alec when thinking about him. Which was _far_ too often. Which so much of the time.

Stuck for something else to say, Magnus raised his glass for Alec to clink against, relieved when Alec changed the subject, and began preparing him for Maia's board game plans.

* * *

Magnus spent Saturday evening at a surprisingly fun board game night where he got to meet some of Alec's new friends. _Andrew_ was far more handsome up close than Magnus would have liked, and far more _charming_ than he knew how to deal with. Though Andrew's interaction with Alec was nothing beyond friendly; Magnus even thought he caught an amused look from him at one point telling him to _relax_.

To Magnus' surprise Raphael was amongst the people at the games night, scowling for almost the entire evening at _Simon_ , who Magnus learned was a childhood friend of both Maia and Alec's sister-in-law Clary. Magnus thought he knew that scowl. Raphael was _amused_ by Simon, perhaps even _interested_ ; he just wasn't going to let the exuberant puppy that was Simon know it. Alec seemed to agree for the pointed looks he kept giving Magnus whenever Raphael and Simon talked.

Maia was the perfect host, setting up a table with food and drink and telling everyone to help themselves. She kept control of the game when arguments got a little overheated, earning herself high-fives from both _Maureen_ and _Bat_ whenever things got particularly loud.

Over the course of the evening, Magnus and Alec had been subjected to subtle teasing about how close they sat together, and while Alec might have dropped his face to hide his smile for the comments, neither of them were embarrassed enough to argue against it. Or sit further apart. In their defense, Maia had not-so-subtly arranged things so they would be sat on the smallest couch. The triumphant grin on her face when Alec absently grabbed Magnus' thigh to say sorry for knocking against him all but confirmed she was behind the seating plan.

Since then, Magnus had seen Alec every day. He came into Leaves as though he knew the perfect time Magnus wanted to see him, often staying long after the cafe closed, talking to him as though he had nowhere else he'd rather be. Magnus could talk with and listen to Alec for hours, knowing neither of them would run out of things to say.

This crush on Alec was weaving its way into every moment of his life. Magnus couldn't stop himself from hoping that all the little signs he thought he was reading in Alec meant he felt at least some of those same things back. Even if there was no way he would ever act on them. He couldn't; Alec had clearly been through so much, there was no way he should have to deal with _him_ as well.

On Wednesday afternoon, with the temperature outside so hot tea was probably the last thing on anyone's mind, Magnus sat in Leaves with just his own company, adamantly telling himself he wasn't continually checking his phone for Alec's messages. Though there was no real pattern to when they sent their messages, there was usually some kind of contact between them before this time of the day. Magnus heard cruel whispers in the back of his mind about all sorts of reasons for Alec not wanting to speak to him. As the time, passed it became more difficult to ignore them.

The bell of the cafe door opening interrupted those thoughts. Magnus sat straighter for seeing Izzy walking towards him, his eyes drawn to her tired smile. Since on the few occasions he'd seen her Magnus had only ever known Izzy to look immaculate, it was enough to have him alarmed.

"Hi, Magnus," Izzy said, sounding just as tired as she looked. There were bags under her red-ringed eyes that looked so out of place with the neatness of her tailored suit.

"Isabelle. It is good to see you."

"How are you?"

"Good. You?"

"Oh. Not bad." But Izzy's reply had none of its usual brightness. Magnus desperately

fought against the urge to ask a series of questions, irrationally worrying about Alec.

"What would you like?"

Izzy let out a small laugh and wrapped her hands around the edge of the counter, letting her

shoulders sag. "Do you have anything that would fix _this_?"

Magnus watched as Izzy raised a hand to swirl a circle in front her face and smiled in sympathy as he turned away to begin to prepare some tea.

"Rough night?" Magnus called over his shoulder, hearing Izzy settle on a stool with a soft, relieved groan. That was unusual; Izzy rarely came to the cafe alone to sit, more typically doing so on her way to work. She never stayed unless with either Clary, or Alec.

"Yeah, you could say that," Izzy said with an exhausted laugh, and Magnus thought caught the tail end of a yawn. Though before he had to chide himself yet again not to ask questions Izzy added, "did you hear from Alec today?"

Magnus froze, feeling that he'd been caught doing something wrong. "I have not," he replied

with as much caution as he could whilst attempting to give a neutral response. Izzy's heavier sigh at his answer had Magnus spinning on the spot. "Is Alec okay?"

The smile Izzy gave him then was warm, and even thankful; Magnus was clueless about what it meant and hated being unable to interpret Izzy's expression. "Yeah, I guess."

Magnus cleared his throat, knowing she wasn't being completely truthful. "What is it?"

"He's been having trouble sleeping," Izzy finally admitted just as the edge of Magnus' patience was tested, drumming her fingers on the counter as she watched Magnus check on the tea.

"Yes, he told me. I had hoped that the tea I had given him was helping—"

"It is. It does," Izzy assured him, shaking her head. "It's just that sometimes, it's—he needs more, you know? He needs more."

Magnus nodded, unsure of what he was supposed to say to that, instead concentrating on preparing a take out cup for Izzy. But he stopped when Izzy cleared her throat to get his attention. "I'll drink it here. If that's okay?"

Magnus quickly gathered together one of his favorite teapots and matching cups; a bright orange and yellow one that made him think of sunflowers. He transferred everything on to a tray and pushed it in front of Izzy, smiling when she looked up. "Something to eat?"

Izzy leaned back to look at the display and pointed to a pound cake; Magnus cut her a generous slice then stood as casually as he could manage when all he wanted to do was ask questions about Alec.

"It's so good," Izzy said around a mouthful; Magnus grinned to himself for how much her expression was like Alec's.

"I'm pleased to hear that."

"So," Izzy said after another mouthful, carefully looking over Magnus in a way that told him to

expect an awkward conversation. "It's pretty obvious my brother likes you."

Magnus held his breath and willed his eyes not to look as they felt; out on stalks in terror as his heart thrummed with excited triumph. "Well—"

"Every other word it's _Magnus, this_ and _Magnus, that_. And I know he comes in here all the time," Izzy added, with a brief glance around Leaves that settled back on Magnus' face with a wider smile.

Magnus couldn't get out a single word, and his silence seemed to confirm something to Izzy, because she was then grinning at him in amusement.

"Something tells me you like him too. Am I right?"

"Izzy," Magnus began, having to clear his throat in an attempt to make his voice come out evenly, "I can assure you that—"

"It's good," Izzy cut him off with, her words muffled by her mouthful of cake, "it's really good. I mean, honestly? I haven't seen him _like_ anyone since—since forever, actually. The longest time, anyway. Really, really long."

Magnus watched Izzy's change of expression at her own realization, yet still lacked the

words to respond. So he just stared back, waiting.

"The thing is," Izzy said, with her tone shift making Magnus worry; how much did Izzy not approve? A little? A lot? Too much for Alec to ever come back in again? "Alec has been through a lot, you know?"

"Yes," Magnus told her cautiously, "we have talked a fair amount. Numerous times."

Izzy shook her head, her eyes flaring wide. "Woah."

Her one-word answer had Magnus shifting with discomfort for the weight behind it, desperate for an explanation though frightened to make himself ask.

" _Talk_. Magnus, you said _talk_. Alec _never_ talks. I mean he does, but not without, like, a real fight for it. He hates talking, always internalizes everything. It's frustrating as hell at times, actually. Seeing him go over things inside his own head, when if he would just talk, maybe—"

"I have never forced him to talk," Magnus said, shaking his head in denial, anxious for Izzy to know that.

"I know," Izzy agreed, finishing off the last of her cake with a sigh that said she could eat another slice, "that's the thing. He won't talk about anything unprompted. But I know he's talked to you; he's _told_ me he has. And it's—it can only be a good thing."

Unconsciously Magnus slumped in relief, feeling that in a way, he was receiving Izzy's approval.

"I don't need details," Izzy continued, careful with her choice of words, "but can I ask what he's told you? Just an outline. I don't want to be overstepping any mark, because this is his business. But I want to know what I can and can't say myself."

Magnus pulled his stool over and sat. "He told me a little about the fire, how he was injured—"

"Seriously?"

"He told me that he pulled a couple of people out. That there were also some fatalities. And without explicit detail, he—he said that he was injured."

Magnus watched in silence as Izzy nodded thoughtfully to herself, willing her to speak. "Second and third degree burns to... well. A lot of him. I seriously thought I was going to lose him when the doctors told me that, and before he actually woke up. He really would have benefitted from some skin grafts in places, but Alec just... if the doctors had given him no options, and said he had to have it done, he'd have done it. But the second there was a chance for him to just leave the hospital and try to recover pretty much on his own? He was out of there. I don't know if you've noticed it yet, Magnus, but my brother is _stubborn_."

Magnus processed the information, the explanation for the pain and stiffness that he often saw pressing Alec down confirmation of what he'd long suspected. He must be in agony at times; Magnus was both impressed and horrified that Alec hid so much of that agony so well. He made a mental note to look up some more information on burns to see if there were any other herbs he could add to the tea he frequently pushed on Alec when he visited, and Alec now drank without objection.

Izzy continued to smile at him grimly, and Magnus realized she was waiting for him to keep talking.

"He also said that your father was unwell at one point. That he took care of him for a while."

Izzy became perfectly still, staring back at Magnus slightly open-mouthed. "He—what did he say?"

"He told me some things. About your father. About your father's... behavior." Magnus hoped that

that was enough information, because he didn't know what else he was supposed to say.

"Seriously?" The disbelief in Izzy's voice Magnus could only nod at. "Magnus. What did he say?"

It was Magnus' turn to shift in discomfort yet again. "That your father had an affair. And that it… caused chaos."

Izzy continued to stare. "He told you that?"

Magnus didn't know what to think about that or even where to look so simply nodded. "We... yes, Izzy. We talked about that. Only a little, but—"

"He never, ever talks about that, Magnus," she said, looking back at him wide eyed. "He never talks about _anything_."

"Well—"

"But he told _you_. He never talks, not unless I force him. And I never want to do that—not about that, anyway. Or the accident."

"Oh," Magnus said, rocking back on his stool a little and shaking his head, not knowing what to say, "no, Izzy, I would not want that either; I never asked. I—"

"It's okay," Izzy said, reassuring him with yet another smile, waving her hand to dismiss Magnus' fears. "He must trust you to even say anything about it at all. It's good that he's talking to anyone. I wish he'd see someone professionally, but I don't know what would make him do that."

For all the horrific thoughts of what Alec might have endured now racing around his mind, Magnus' stomach dropped. What else had he been through that he didn't know about? Magnus ached for all the things Alec had suffered even without knowing all that they were. He and Izzy sat in silence for a few minutes with neither of them knowing what to say, the mood in Leaves becoming far too somblre for small talk.

"He has nightmares," Izzy told him after a while, her eyes searching Magnus' face for his reaction. Magnus kept perfectly still under Izzy's inspection, already having assumed that nightmares might be contributing to Alec's inability to sleep.

"Did he have a nightmare last night?" Magnus asked, the reason for the look of exhaustion on Izzy's face finally dawning on him.

"Yes," Izzy said, closing her eyes. "He's had them ever since the accident. Last night was probably the worst so far though."

The look of pain on Izzy's face had Magnus' heart sink for both of them.

"Do you know what it was about?"

"Mostly the fire. Sometimes other things. Last night though, I don't know. I guess it was everything all mixed up together."

Magnus nodded, waiting for Izzy to continue because there was nothing he could offer to add to the conversation.

"When they're bad, they usually wake us all up. Me, and Clary. Clary is amazing with him," Izzy added with an affectionate smile, absently toying with her wedding ring. "I think sometimes it's easier for Alec to talk to her because she isn't family. She _is_ , but it's not the same. She can be there for him in ways that I can't sometimes, just because she's not grown up with him. Does that make sense?"

"Of course."

"Not that either of us mind doing anything to help him; we just—it's the worst seeing him like that, you know? I go into his room, and he's kicking and screaming, thrashing in his sleep. Sometimes he moves around so much that it opens up some of his wounds. Last night I had to pin him down by the shoulders to stop him injuring himself with how much he was moving about. He's—it was a bad one, Magnus."

"I am so sorry," Magnus said, because there was little else he could say as images of a terrified Alec kicking and screaming assaulted him leaving him feeling sick. "How is he now?"

"Sleeping, I hope," Izzy said, letting her head drop back in exhaustion before she looked at him again. "I finally convinced him to take some sleeping pills. Over the counter ones, because he refuses anything else his doctors offer him. We were up at about three this morning, because after I got him to wake up he was really, really sick; that happens sometimes when it gets bad. And it always takes even longer for the panic to go away after that happens. His heart was racing so fast I wanted to take him to the hospital, but he wouldn't let me, so..."

Izzy's voice trailed away in obvious frustration at not being able to do more to help.

"He's not always like this," Izzy said out of nowhere, looking as though worried she was giving the wrong impression. "I mean, he's a good guy, Magnus. He's the _best_. It's just—"

"Izzy. If you think I would in any way think less of your brother because of what you have just told me, you are very, very mistaken," Magnus told her firmly, bristling with indignance at even the thought of Izzy believing that of him.

Suitably comforted and chastised, Izzy shifted on her stool, draining her cup and pouring out the remaining tea from the pot. "Clary was on a late shift today, so she sat with him until he fell asleep again. I was in work for six this morning with an emergency call."

"Then it is no wonder that you are tired," Magnus finished for her, smiling in sympathy once again.

"It's probably best you don't tell him I told you any of this," Izzy said, stretching and standing with obvious reluctance.

"Though if he asks, I will say," Magnus replied, feeling the need to be honest. Because he didn't see how it would be possible to keep anything from Alec. Izzy smiled; Magnus thought it was in approval.

"Well, good. Just… look after my brother today if he comes here?" she said, the worry on her face stopping Magnus from retorting with, _like you even had to ask_. They spoke for a few more minutes before Izzy checked the time on her phone and sighed, mumbling a goodbye before leaving to go back to work.

Once Izzy was gone leaving Magnus alone with his own thoughts, he tried to think of what he could do to help. He served another few customers still with that thought on his mind, wondering how to broach the subject with Alec without it being obvious what he knew. Though he knew he wouldn't; there was no way he would push Alec into talking, especially after what he now knew.

A moment later, Magnus had a plan. In a flurry of activity, he began pulling the ingredients together for another of his mother's soup recipes that he knew by heart, even closing Leaves for five minutes so he could rush to the nearest store. When he was sure it was as perfect as it could be, he poured out a bowlful of his tomato and rice soup, placing it on a tray alongside a slice of pie he'd already put to one side for Alec.

_Hungry_? He messaged along with a picture, after deliberating over many other words for a good few minutes. He ate his own soup while staring at his phone, willing Alec to answer.

Alec's reply came exactly seven and a half minutes later; not that Magnus was counting, of course. _Starving. See you soon, Magnus :)_

Magnus closed his eyes, letting out a sigh of relief. He tidied the counter and checked himself over for stray splashes of food, ducking to look in the small kitchen mirror to check that his hair wasn't too unruly and that there was nothing in his teeth. Perhaps he couldn't fix everything that was happening with Alec, but he could do this for him; make comfort food and listen if he found the words he needed to talk.

With a decisive nod at himself, Magnus turned to stare the clock down, willing it to turn faster as he waited for Alec to arrive.

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

**Alec**

Alec couldn't specifically pinpoint when he had allowed himself to relax enough for touch to become thing between them. And on occasion, he wondered if Magnus put as much overthinking into finding reasons to instigate that touch as he did. But it kept happening. When they sat side by side their arms would graze or press against one another. If Magnus handed him something over the counter of Leaves or Alec returned an empty plate, their fingers would brush and linger for just those few extra seconds that Alec was sure meant it was deliberate. It always was on his part.

Magnus would slide a slice of pie on to his table or the counter if the cafe wasn't too busy, and in doing so would have his hand gently wrapped around Alec's shoulder or arm. And Alec in turn when helping Magnus put shopping away in the Leaves kitchen would squeeze Magnus at the waist to move him when needing to get by. There were so many other ways it felt like one of them was nudging that little bit more, or reaching out to touch more often, that Alec had ample moments to replay when he couldn't sleep at night. Always drifting off with a Magnus-induced smile on his face.

It was the night after that nightmare from hell a few weeks earlier, when waking seemed like the worst form of torture possible, when Alec had first allowed himself to believe all these little things between them weren't so one-sided. That Magnus might want to be close to him just as much as he did. Alec had found himself in Leaves with soup Magnus had made especially for him, with Magnus' hand lingering on his back in a resting kind of comfort for almost the entire time he ate. Alec hadn't shrugged him away once. It was more that he leaned into it, allowing himself the tentative thought that perhaps despite all of his doubts and second-guessing, _they_ might be something he could get to have.

Though when he was alone with his thoughts cataloging all of these gestures between them, Alec realized that as much as he welcomed those touches, he also feared them. Because what if he lucked out and they did lead to more? What if they didn't? What if he finally gave in to the urge to just grab and kiss Magnus that constantly whispered in the back of his head, and Magnus happily returned that kiss? When would it turn into something else, and would just a second's glimpse at the mess that was his body be all it took to make Magnus shove him away again?

The thought of Magnus being repulsed by him for seeing the angry chaos of scars that covered so much of his body now made Alec ready to drive until he ran out of road. Magnus was good, a kind, gentle, thoughtful man, but he was also only human. Why wouldn't he be disgusted by the sight of Alec and the mess that was his former skin?

But stood in the warm comfort that was Leaves after closing, how could Alec not want things to develop with Magnus? When everything was so comfortable between them, and Alec felt at ease with Magnus like he hadn't with anyone else? When Magnus was, without a doubt, the single most interesting, amazing, attractive person Alec had met, probably in his entire life?

"You know, Alec, there is no need for you to help with anything," Magnus called across the cafe as Alec flipped the closed sign and bolted the door, breaking him from his train of thought.

"I know," Alec agreed, smiling as he turned back and walked over to the counter. "I don't mind."

The truth was that since that terrible nightmare, sleep had become a little easier for Alec. Now he managed around four hours unbroken instead of one or two. And though he still took forever to fall asleep, Alec usually didn't wake until after the sun had already risen, truly feeling refreshed.

With that replenishing sleep came what felt like new life to his limbs. His recovery felt more linear instead of the chaotic back and forth it had been for so long. And while he still woke with residual stiffness and from time to time his skin flared angrily for no reason, Alec felt more like himself. Which meant that helping Magnus clear a few tables and sweep the odd floor he actually enjoyed doing; not only because he got to help and in doing so spend that extra time with Magnus after Leaves had closed, but also just for the fact that he actually _could_.

"If you are attempting to earn yourself extra pie, it is unnecessary," Magnus told him with a smile that had Alec's heart skipping.

"Dammit. You figured me out." Alec smiled back just as hard, that heartbeat a little faster for the way Magnus let out a soft laugh and patted the counter, gesturing for Alec to sit.

"Alexander, come here. I think you have earned yourself a rest."

Alec took a careful hop up onto the stool at the counter, feeling the stretch and tension of his skin but happy that it was without much pain. He continued watching as Magnus slid the final two slices of pie on to a plate and pushed it in front of him, handing over a fork.

"Eat."

"Magnus. Are you trying to feed me up?" Alec said, already with his mouth full and a soft sigh of appreciation blasting from his lips. He was _hungry_.

"I assume you have eaten little today," Magnus told him with an arch to his voice, turning away again and finishing the last of his cleaning routine.

Alec stopped mid-chew; his appetite was one of the things that hadn't returned entirely to normal for him yet, meaning he could go hours before realizing he hadn't eaten. "How did you know?"

Giving a brief look over his shoulder that Alec was certain was laced with sadness, Magnus gave an easy shrug. "I could see it. In the way you—I could just tell."

Alec looked down at himself as though he might find some kind of indicator he wasn't aware of having, shaking his head when he found nothing. "I still don't really know how you do that, Magnus."

Magnus turned swiftly, his eyes drifting between the plate and Alec's lips in silence, then nodded with satisfaction as Alec did just as he was insinuating and ate. He turned away again to finish his work unaware of how hard Alec was smiling at the back of his head.

Alec finished his pie watching Magnus click through the app he used on his tablet to keep a track of his accounts, smiling when he walked around the counter and hopped up beside him with a tired sigh. Magnus reached across for and absently crumbled up a muffin he'd left for himself, scooping it into his mouth in small bites with his eyes never leaving the screen. Alec resisted the urge to sweep his hand down his back.

"There was an update on this earlier today," Magnus said when he pushed the tablet away from him with a thankful groan. "I had to log in to half my applications again, which, of course, I've forgotten the password for some of. _Most_ of. And the information I logged yesterday was there but not saved, somehow; I don't know. But it's fixed now. I don't have to look at it again tonight."

"So, what are you doing now you're free of… paperwork?" Alec asked, pressing his fingertip into the very last of the pie crust on his plate and raising it to his mouth.

"To be honest, I hadn't thought that far ahead. Though I have something to show you," Magnus said with renewed vigor, grabbing his phone from the counter and scrolling for something then leaning against Alec to show him.

The screen of Magnus' phone was filled with a litter of the tiniest kittens Alec thought he had ever seen. Magnus zoomed in to show him better each of the four kittens, cooing in affection over each one.

"Do you remember when I was caring for my neighbor's cat a few weeks ago? The reason she was off her food was apparently _this_. She gave birth just yesterday."

Alec didn't know where to look first, the tiny kittens on Magnus' phone or the look of delight on Magnus' face. "They're so small."

"She's doing so well," Magnus said with a soft, proud sigh. "I checked in on them last night after closing the store; she is a wonderful mother."

"Did she get out, or something?" Alec asked, thinking of Magnus' apartment building and wondering if he meant this was a neighbor from a lower floor.

"Oh. Many of the cat owners in the building have a cat flap on to their balconies or in their doors, or even leave the balconies doors open for them when they are out. They are quite free to roam despite being in a building. I confess to leaving treats on my balcony to entice them to visit sometimes," Magnus added, hand at his earcuff and clearing his throat.

Alec dropped his head, hiding his smile. "That's good. I think?"

"It is a very secure complex," Magnus replied with an unconcerned flare of his fingers. "Everyone is quite good at looking out for one another."

"I don't think I ever met any of my neighbors when I had my apartment back in New York," Alec said absently, continuing to dart his eyes between the screen and Magnus' face.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

Quickly Alec shook his head, too late not to catch the sympathetic look on Magnus' face. He nudged him in the side, nodding towards the screen once more. "Will she keep them? Your neighbor?"

"Oh, I don't think so. Tabitha already feels guilty enough that she had so many weeks away unexpectedly, leaving Coffee to—"

" _Coffee_?"

Magnus laughed, quickly scrolling through his phone for a better picture of the mother cat. "This is Coffee. So named, because of this marking on her flank. See how it looks like someone knocked over a coffee cup?"

"So _that's_ why you like coffee," Alec teased, fixing his smile on his face for his not-so-hilarious joke.

Magnus grinned back at him anyway, his elbow still resting against Alec's arm. " _Yes_."

"Cute. The cat, I mean."

Magnus' eyes crinkled up further before he cleared his throat and nodded back at the screen. "In any case. Tabetha had been intending to have Coffee spayed, when she was unexpectedly called away for work. I confess, I'm quite happy with this outcome."

"Are you getting a kitten?" Alec asked, sure his heart was melting for the look on Magnus' face.

"One. Perhaps two. Most likely two," Magnus said, showing Alec yet another picture of the kittens. "I think it is best they have company since I am out for much of the day myself."

"That's perfect. When will you have them?"

"Oh. In about eight weeks. Though I will be getting to know them long before then."

Alec pictured Magnus cooing over the kittens as they grew, his cheeks aching from how much he was smiling. "That's great, Magnus."

"I even have names."

"Tell me."

"Well. This one is _Church_."

Alec smiled at the mostly brown kitten with slightly longer fur than any of others, far too amused to ask why they had earned that particular name. "Okay."

"And this one," Magnus said as he zoomed in on a kitten with similar markings to its mother, only with patches of orange as well as brown ones, "this is _Chairman Meow_."

"Chairman Meow?"

" _Yes_."

"You know. If Maia were here right now, she'd be calling you a dork?" Alec said, helpless for just how _excited_ Magnus was. He'd already decided Magnus was the most adorable man he had ever met, but who knew that _kittens_ would make him so soft?

"Oh. I am sure I will endure far worse from Catarina."

"I don't doubt that."

"And you, Alexander?" Magnus asked, raising an eyebrow in challenge though still smiling as he turned more to face him, leaning in. "Would you call me a dork?"

"I wouldn't."

"No?" Magnus asked, leaning closer still, his eyes dancing with mirth.

_Art by[lieselfh](https://lieselfh.tumblr.com/)_

Alec kissed him before he was even aware he was doing it, pulling back in alarm to catch Magnus' look of surprise. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay—"

"I shouldn't have—"

"I'm not complaining," Magnus said softly with a click in his throat and a wistful look that made Alec's heart race. Magnus put his phone back on the counter without breaking eye contact, carefully covering Alec's hand with his own. Alec brushed their lips together before kissing him once more, pulling back to gauge his reaction. 

Magnus only smiled, giving the slightest tilt of his chin in a request for more. Alec sagged in relief, stroking his thumb over Magnus' cheek before leaning in for another kiss. He closed his eyes for the way Magnus molded against him while sweeping his hand back up his arm, and swirling his thumb behind his ear.

Days and weeks of all that _thinking_ , all the difficulty of reading gestures, lingering touches, wondering who would lean first and what they might say, all leading to here. Easy as anything. Magnus' lips on his and the quiet little breathy moans that whispered of his own relief after waiting so long. Alec was pretty sure he could quickly get addicted to this.

Magnus stroked his fingers across Alec's cheek before cupping it, shifting closer still and slotting his knee between Alec's. Alec moved to cradle the back of his head, closing his eyes for finally getting his fingers through his hair. Magnus pressing back against his fingers in invitation had Alec's heart thudding; he closed his eyes having to drop his head to compose himself for the shudder it sent through him. When recovered, he leaned their foreheads together before diving straight back in with a kiss that grew a little more demanding and a lot less chaste.

When they pulled away from each other for a second time they were breathless, smiling helplessly at one another. Alec stroked just his fingertips down Magnus' cheek, feeling like anything less gentle might actually reveal he was dreaming. Alec then ran a thumb along his jaw before sitting back a touch, taking a moment to just _look_ at him. It was this movement that made him realize Magnus' fingers had been bunched in his shirt. Alec smiled as Magnus' eyes flared in surprise at his own hands, watching as he first played with his ear cuff then dropped his hands into his lap as though not sure what to do with them.

Reaching across to rest his hand on top of Magnus', Alec gave him a second unconcealed once over then laughed, shaking his head. "Well. I guess I just did that, huh?"

Magnus grinned back at him, and to Alec's relief he seemed nothing but equally excited. "It would appear so. Though I would point out that I was a more than willing participant in… _that_. So it was _us_ who did that."

"It wasn't just in my head?"

"No," Magnus said, his lips twitching in amusement, "I would say that it was most definitely outside. Of your head, I mean."

Alec sucked his lip into his mouth and bit down, his eyes lingering over Magnus' face for any sign of regret. He had to check again, to be certain that this was what Magnus really wanted. He had to be sure. "So you maybe… you wanna do it again?"

Magnus snorted with laughter and reached out to pull Alec's face to his, kissing him thoroughly as though he didn't want to miss a taste of him until they were once again breathless. Alec's heart hammered throughout the entire kiss, his hands sneaking to slide first over Magnus' thighs then to grip around his hips, attempting to rein in his wandering thoughts of touching even more of him.

"I'll take that as a yes," Alec said eventually making Magnus laugh. Magnus laced their fingers together and smiled, leaving Alec the time to acknowledge the happy relief surging through him.

"Well, good. Because it was."

"So, Magnus," Alec began, forcing back the voices telling him not to say anything stupid, "dinner at yours... were those dates?" Alec didn't want to assume. Even though he'd now been for three dinners at Magnus', and they'd eaten together outside of Leaves twice. Every one had felt like a date to _him_.

Magnus' smile was like sunshine. He turned his head and dropped his gaze before beaming at Alec again. "I would say yes? At least, I would like them to have been. If that was something that you also wanted, of course."

Magnus' hesitance and hopeful look had Alec automatically leaning in to kiss him once more, repeatedly telling himself he couldn't believe his own luck.

"I'd say it was more than okay," Alec said, cupping his cheek and sighing as Magnus closed the gap to kiss him like he too couldn't get enough, gently leaning to rest his hands around Alec's waist.

"I've wanted to have this happen for the longest time," Magnus replied as he nuzzled against his cheek before leaning to kiss him once more.

"Me too," Alec admitted, crowding ever closer; now that barrier between them had broken he couldn't stop himself. "For so long now."

"I was never sure," Magnus told him softly, pressing his head into the crook of Alec's neck.

"Well. _Be_ sure. And—are you? Are you sure, Magnus?"

Alec could kick himself for the uncertainty in his voice despite having no control over it, terrified that if Magnus was to see him for what he was, he might pull away. He held his breath as his mind raced for the possibility of Magnus now changing his mind, desperate to silence the voices battling for dominance telling him he would never be good enough to have this. That he would never be good enough to have Magnus.

When Alec was brave enough to look Magnus only smiled at him, the sweetness of it hitting Alec square in the chest. "Of course I'm sure. I haven't felt like this for—"

"Even though I'm like this?" Alec interrupted, biting his lip and diverting his anxiousness at Magnus' answer to the pain of doing that.

Magnus shook his head. "Like what?"

"This," Alec repeated, waving over himself. Again, Magnus looked confused, giving a soft shake of his head. "I'm… scarred up pretty bad, Magnus," Alec said, hating how shaky his voice came out. "And I'm kind of a mess. Up here."

When Alec pressed a finger against his temple Magnus tutted and reached out, wrapping his entire hand around Alec's finger to pull it away again.

"Alexander. We are all _messes_ , in some way. That doesn't change the way that I feel about you."

"Oh, yeah?" Alec replied, with alternating waves of shyness and hope washing through him as he tentatively reached out to rest both of his hands on Magnus' thighs again. "And how's that?"

Magnus dropped his head, laughing. "Well. If you want to kiss me again, I'll use that time to think about how to answer."

Alec grabbed Magnus' face between his hands, pulling him in for another kiss.

* * *

After their first kiss, Magnus had taken Alec by the hand, leading him out of Leaves and into the bar they had visited after Magnus' poetry recital. They had pressed up against one another in a corner booth with infinitely more confidence and assuredness than that first time, barely able to keep the grins off their faces or resist leaning in for kisses. Magnus had then walked Alec back to his car, where Alec insisted on driving Magnus home; their makeout session before he left him was the memory Alec fell asleep to that night, and had featured heavily on the subsequent nights as well.

On their first _real_ date a couple of nights later, Magnus had picked Alec up in a flashy sports car that Ragnor loaned him for the evening, with Izzy and Clary non-discreetly peering through the curtains like parents on prom night as he pulled into their drive. Magnus had taken Alec to an exhibition at an art gallery showcasing the works of the artists of graphic novel writers and anime, murmuring comments about how his work was equally as good, if not better.

Now it was Alec's turn to organize something for them to do just a week after that first kiss. Not that they hadn't spent most of their time together since then. Alec had stayed behind long after Leaves had closed the past few nights, leaving with the taste of Magnus on his lips along with whatever pie Magnus had fed him during the evening.

Sitting in Izzy's car and peering through the cafe window as he waited for Magnus to close up—since Magnus had insisted Alec would be too much of a distraction if he came in and they'd never leave on time—Alec patted at his stomach, wondering if all this pie was doing him more harm than good. He debated upping the amount of gentle exercise he'd got back into doing then grimaced for thinking of all the worst case scenarios of what he must look like to others. Specifically, Magnus, whose regular tai chi and active work in the cafe left him lithe and muscular beneath Alec's grip. And smooth-skinned, without a blemish in sight.

A surge of _what ifs_ rushed at Alec then, making him flinch. He closed his eyes and in doing so missed the exact moment Magnus stepped out of Leaves to lock up. Alec jolted when the creaking of the passenger door opening announced Magnus sliding in, but thankfully he didn't notice, only leaned across the seat for a quick kiss.

Alec raised his hand to cup the back of Magnus' head and hold him in place, kissing him a little less chastely until they were staring at each other with grins on their faces. "You had a good day, Magnus?"

"Yes. And it is even better now."

"Oh, really," Alec replied, watching as Magnus' eyes flitted down to his lips, his own twitching up at the corners before Magnus pressed forward mumbling in agreement against them.

"So," Magnus said when they'd finished distracting each other with more kisses, his fist ungripping from Alec's shirt and sliding its way down his chest to rest over Alec's hand. "Where are we going this evening?"

Giving a wink that he hoped told Magnus to wait and see, Alec sat back in his seat, reaching out to fire up the engine. He turned on to the road allowing the routine of driving steady his nerves the fraction he needed it to. That he wanted to be on a date with Magnus, or to just be with Magnus in any way at all was already a given. But he was so scared of messing up that it took him several minutes to think about what he wanted to say.

"Listen, Magnus. I'm not great at this," Alec said, feeling as though he was reading Magnus a disclaimer so he could decide if he wanted to continue spending time with him. He glanced over to check Magnus' expression and found him smiling back with encouragement, which gave him the strength to clear his throat and continue. "I mean, I've not had a lot of time for dating, relationships, all of that. And I just—"

"Alec." Magnus softly rested his hand high on Alec's thigh for no longer than a couple of seconds, just long enough to get his attention. "I have no expectations. What I mean is, that there is no pressure here for anything. I hope you do not feel as though this is some sort of trial for you."

"I don't," Alec assured him immediately. "I just—I don't want to let you down, is all."

"How could anything we do that involves us spending time together be in any way letting me down?" Magnus replied, looking so thoroughly perplexed by the idea that Alec found himself reaching across the seat to sink his fingers between Magnus', slotting their hands together to hold against Magnus' thigh.

Alec watched out of the corner of his eye as Magnus' eyes tracked the movement. For Magnus' smile, Alec let himself sag in relief, and then again when he stroked his thumb over the back of his hand.

"So. Where are we going?" Magnus repeated a little further into their drive.

"Well. It's a pretty warm night. I figured—I mean I thought—"

" _Alexander_."

"There's this—I packed a few things, and thought maybe we could go down near the docks. Park up, maybe take a walk, have a kind of—I don't know. Picnic, sort of thing."

Magnus squeezed Alec's hand when he stopped talking; Alec felt brave enough to look over to see what Magnus thought of his suggestion, relieved again that it seemed to be at least acceptable to him.

"That sounds perfect, Alec, thank you."

"Are you sure? Because we could—"

"I'm sure. I would like that very much," Magnus told him, squeezing his hand again. Alec's heart thudded in both relief and excitement, Magnus' enthusiasm giving him the courage to ask more questions about Magnus' day to pass the time and calm his nerves. Before he knew it they were pulling into a parking spot, and he was cutting the engine once more.

"Are you okay with eating first?"

At Magnus' nod, Alec all but leaped out of the car and rushed to the trunk to pop it open. Though as soon as he did he was cursing himself for not knowing if he was supposed to go round and open Magnus' door for him as well, or if that would have been a gesture too much. Magnus wasn't fazed in the slightest, appearing seconds later by his side and reaching to take one of the bags Alec was pulling out. Alec had to check again, relieved when Magnus smiled at him, looking so happy to be there as he patiently waited for whatever Alec was going to suggest.

Alec pointed to a picnic bench where they unpacked their food, as he continued to check Magnus' face for his reaction. Once everything was set out, Magnus looked over their dinner with a pleased smile, gracefully sliding into the bench. Alec's own movements were less fluid, but the look on Magnus' face told him he didn't mind.

"Clearly you have become accustomed to our farmer's market," Magnus said once Alec was settled. "I recognize this honey-glazed ham."

"Yeah, Clary really likes it. And I've been picking some stuff up while they're at work, so..."

Magnus smiled again, the two of them reaching out at the same time beginning to put sandwiches together. Magnus asked after Izzy and Clary, making Alec's smile curl in affection for him taking the time to mention them.

After they ate Alec suggested they walk, on which they spent almost an hour pointing out boats and other things for each other to look at. There were several discreet tugs on fingers pulling one another in for kisses, and protective arms around waists when they'd stopped too quickly blocking the paths of grumbling passersby, grinning after them until they'd gone. Somehow, and Alec wasn't exactly sure on the details, when they returned to the car he found himself pressing Magnus back against it, pinning him in place with the weight of his own chest.

"This okay?" he asked, brushing his lips over Magnus', smiling as he nodded back.

"Of course," Magnus said, tilting his chin for another kiss. As they kissed this time Magnus' hands inched up the back of Alec's shirt. Alec flinched for the thought of Magnus feeling the scars there. Magnus smiled against his mouth and discreetly withdrew his fingers, tugging down his shirt.

"Sorry."

"No. It's okay—"

"Although," Magnus murmured against his ear making Alec jolt, and then again when his lips hit his neck to begin mouthing along there. "If this is your idea of dessert—"

" _Dammit_."

Magnus chased Alec's mouth as he pulled back, and Alec couldn't help grinning for the disgruntled look on his face. He leaned in to give him another, softer kiss then wrapped his hand around Magnus' arm for support, holding his hand up telling him to wait.

"This is—do you remember that guy at the market that you told me about?" Alec asked after retrieving a paper bag he'd kept hidden in the trunk. Magnus' eyes fell to the bag and crinkled at the corners as he smiled.

"This is his walnut and coffee cake?"

"Yeah. Thought you'd like to try some."

"Thank you." Magnus' glance up then was earnest, far too earnest to be making Alec's heart skip yet again in happiness the way it was, but there was little he could do about that. So he kissed him again, carefully peeling back the paper so they each had a square of it and a slice of cake.

"It's okay?"

Magnus closed his eyes and hummed in exaggeration, winking as he sucked a spill of frosting from his thumb. "It's amazing. I'm almost tempted to try recreating the recipe myself."

"You could, you know. Your cakes, and the pie, they're all amazing."

"Well, thank you."

"I might even need to start working out more, for everything you've been feeding me," Alec added, stomach fluttering for the way Magnus lingered his gaze over him.

"Well. I am sure that is unnecessary. Unless of course, you want to."

Alec nodded, finishing his last bite of cake. "Back in New York I used to work out a lot. For work, I needed to, really. Jace and I used to go to this gym where we'd spar, and learned some martial arts. I couldn't do as much when Dad was at his worst, but I put a routine together that I could do at home when I didn't have all that much time."

"How is your… the scarring, when you exercise; are you okay?"

Alec nodded, thinking of how _tight_ everything had felt the first time he'd started stretching at the local gym. He only did a minimal amount of exercise, planning on slowly building back up to a more regular routine. His skin had felt like it might burst after that first session, but he'd slowly built it up, adamant he'd do enough but not push himself too much.

"It's okay," Alec said belatedly for letting his thoughts wander. "I'm careful. Izzy came with me the first couple of times to check." Not to mention Jace's insistence that they Skype after, so that he could interrogate him as well. Alec unconsciously smiled for the thought of Jace's _fussing_ , making a mental note to call him in the morning.

"Well. If it is helping. And you are feeling _good_ for it, then it can only be a good thing."

"I think so."

"I certainly have no complaints," Magnus added as he lingered another deliberate gaze over him and winked. Alec swallowed for the _want_ in his expression, fighting with the same feeling himself. His smile must have been nervous for the way Magnus' face softened, and how he gently reached out to squeeze his waist. "Though of course, there is no hurry for… anything between us. Like _that_. You… know what I mean."

Affection settled in Alec's chest for the way Magnus grew flustered, his fingers up at his earcuff in a familiar gesture. He wrapped his arm around Magnus' waist to draw him closer, kissing him again. "I do."

"I don't want you to feel that I am pushing for anything. Though I do _want_ to; I don't want you to think that I _don't_."

Magnus looked so upset with himself for stumbling over his words that Alec had to kiss him for it. He gently cradled his face between his palms and backed him up against the car, taking his time to explore his mouth.

When Alec arrived back at Izzy's later that night, he allowed himself to believe that he and Magnus might actually have a shot at something good. It was difficult, shouting down the wall of voices telling him he didn't have the right to have anything good in his existence. But the lingering taste of Magnus on his lips and a multitude of freshly made memories gave Alec the strength he needed to push the voices away, hold them back long enough to allow himself to hope.

With determination and a twist in his gut of what he decided was somewhere between embarrassment and anticipation, Alec walked into his bathroom and turned on all the lights, making it bright enough for him to momentarily wince. When his eyes adjusted Alec positioned himself in front of the longest mirror and studied his expression, watching the warring emotions dancing across his face then dropping his gaze to the way his fists were in tight curls down by his sides.

A nod to himself and Alec was stripping out of his clothes, his fingers continually missing buttons as they shook. He watched his reflection the entire time as more and more of his damaged skin was revealed, until he was naked and fighting with himself to keep looking. Alec had grown used to the texture of his skin from repeatedly applying cream, gently washing and drying himself for all the time that had passed since the fire. But the sight of it still frequently caught him unawares if he wasn't careful enough to avoid it. He'd still feel nauseous at the sight of himself for a while, Alec was sure of it.

Alec turned to better look, glancing over his back taking in every single burn and blemish. He pushed back the memories of their origin so they didn't have the chance to surface. Squaring his shoulders Alec turned back yet again, fully facing the mirror. He was still himself in there, he realized, seeing his own surprise register on his face. Who else did he ever think he'd be?

Beneath the mass of scarring that was still his body, still his familiar shape and build that he'd known his entire adult life. It was still his face, thankfully unscarred; for a moment Alec blanched at his vanity then forced that taunting away as well, glad that what had felt like permanent redness to his face like bad sunburn for the first few days after the fire had faded away to his normal complexion.

When Alec had looked for what he felt was long enough, he looked for more. Alec tried to imagine Magnus' eyes lingering over his body and what they might be seeing as they did. He hoped Magnus would see past all of that scarring and see _him_ as he had just done, already pleading with Magnus not to be revolted by him. A jolt of arousal shot through Alec then, so hard that it made his stomach clench, just for the thought of feeling Magnus' hands trailing over him. And of course, as so many thoughts of Magnus did to him already, Alec felt himself hardening. Though instead of ignoring it like he had done of late, he let his eyes linger in the mirror to confirm it. He watched his cock begin to jolt and twitch as it thickened, letting his mind wander to thoughts of _Magnus_ and what they might do together.

Snorting to himself Alec flexed his fingers down by his side, watching in the mirror as he gave himself a hesitant stroke in an exploration that flared heat through him, making him curl forward. Alec took himself in a loose grip and kept watching, with one hand pressed against the wall beside the mirror to brace himself as he stroked, catching the ripples of pleasure over his face as he did. It had been a _while_.

Further determination had Alec giving himself one firmer grip before leaving the bathroom, turning on all the lights in the bedroom and laying himself out on the bed. Alec had an idle thought that he wished he had some lube around to slick himself up with. But that near-painful heat now pressing hard on his core told him he wouldn't be doing what he was intent on doing for very long anyway.

Taking another breath for bravery, Alec rearranged pillows beneath his head to tilt up so he could comfortably watch. Then, with a thrill jolting through him that this time wasn't laced with fear, Alec took himself in hand again, letting his legs fall further apart as a wave of pleasure rolled through him. Alec continued to watch, his eyes on the slip of his cock between his fingers and the flood of precum that he swept up on his palm. He squeezed at the base of his crown for more of it, groaning for the slight tackiness of his grip. Alec altered his grip, taking deliberately long strokes and letting his head drop back for the heat pressing through him, knowing it wasn't going to take him much longer at all to come.

Alec changed his grip again and sped up, knees jolting apart as he worked himself, biting down on his lip and trying to keep the noise he was making to a minimum. For imagining Magnus' hand on him instead, or Magnus _watching_ him, Alec stroked himself faster still, remembering the feel of his lips on his neck and whimpering for it.

The tightness built in him, the heat becoming too much. He rolled his head back in his pillow a final time then looked down, bunching his fingers in the sheets to anchor himself. With a final shuddery gasp as his orgasm hit, Alec watched as he spilled over his knuckles and stomach, slumping back with a tired groan.

Alec stroked himself until he jolted with overstimulation, sure there was an ache in his arm from a repeated action he hadn't done for so long. With a grin to himself at how stupid that sounded even in his own head, Alec took a glance down at the mess he'd made and laughed. Perhaps he should have brought something to clean himself up with when he'd decided to come through to do this.

With an awkward slide from the bed and a hasty wipe down with a t-shirt he normally wore to bed, Alec hummed on his way to the shower, and in fact all the time he was beneath the spray. Tucking himself in to bed a little later with a smirk on his lips and a buzz of excitement in his stomach, Alec felt relaxed like he hadn't in weeks. Of course when he fell asleep, it was to the thought of Magnus.

* * *


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warnings***  
> You're going to hear about Alec's scarring in this one - a little more detail in the end note if you want to check the chapter before reading it.

**Magnus**

In any other situation, this might feel like rushing. But as Magnus smoothed over his already immaculate comforter and glanced around his bedroom to make sure it was as perfect as it could be, he wondered to himself about the sense of that, when everything between him and Alec felt so right. Magnus turned out of the room before he could start second-guessing his own positivity and gave the same sweeping surveillance to the rest of his apartment, going over a mental checklist to make sure he had everything he thought he might need. Alec would be arriving in the next few minutes, so any last minute alterations he had to make really would have to be very last minute.

And of course, this urgent sense of having to be overly prepared was going to prove itself unnecessary the second he saw Alec's face, when all his nervousness would evaporate like it had never been there in the first place. Magnus sighed to himself, shaking a head that nobody was there to see, and closed his eyes to how _difficult_ he had to make everything. He had to stop trying to anticipate every possible outcome of every situation in his life.

It had only been a month, this very new but overdue development between him and Alec. But they had slotted together so naturally that not a part of it felt forced or out of place. Which was probably how he'd ended up casually asking Alec to come over for dinner and stay the night when he'd dropped him home yesterday evening, after Alec insisting on taking him because it had been raining earlier in the day. As though either of them needed any excuse to spend a few extra minutes together.

At the time, Magnus hadn't implied anything with his invitation, not wanting to make assumptions because those few weeks in, and he and Alec had yet to do much more than kiss. Of course, that didn't mean he hadn't been thinking about them being together in all kinds of ways, thoughts he'd had little control over since long before Alec had given him any reason to think he wouldn't object to such things between them. Come to think of it, Magnus sighed, now stroking a hand along the back of the couch and straightening up a pillow, there was no sense of _rushing_ about them at all; an increase in the intimacy between him and Alec felt long overdue.

Doubt crept into Magnus, leaving him arguing with his stomach about the way it was coiling with nerves. Was he right to assume Alec would want to share a bed with him in whatever way that might end up being? Should he have made a spare bedroom up instead? Was he presuming too much by ensuring certain supplies were within reach, discreetly in a drawer and out of sight but to hand just in case? Was he even right to even consider that Alec might be just as ready as him for anything more to happen between them?

Magnus slumped down on the couch in defeat covering his eyes with the heels his hands, cursing himself out loud. Those _thoughts_ of him and Alec together were now replaced with very different images, this time of Woolsey surrounded by boxes then leaving Magnus stranded and purposeless in his departure. Immediately Magnus cursed for that as well and denied the emotions he'd felt at the time to worm their way back in, reminding himself that both the people and situations were very, very different.

Alec _was_ different, Magnus insisted to himself as he sank down further into the comfort of the couch, a smile beginning to curl up the corners of his mouth. He allowed himself to replay their few actual dates along with so many other, simpler things between them, and that smile just kept on growing. Alec's nerves when he'd taken Magnus for that dockside picnic were both heartbreaking and endearing to see, with Magnus unconsciously sighing at the memory of being pressed so firmly back against the car. And that Alec would doubt his appreciation of a date idea that was so endearing was enough to make Magnus actually chuckle. Though that laughter faded into another sigh, this time with sadness for Alec not being able to see how incredible he was just as he was. There had been moments on subsequent dates when the light had seemed to go out in Alec's eyes for how unsure he was of himself. Magnus had no reason to find excuses to touch Alec now. But the urge to wrap him in a hug and hold him until all his self-doubt had gone was so strong right then, Magnus thought he might launch himself at Alec in the doorway the moment he arrived if he didn't rein it in.

Okay, Magnus conceded to himself then, his shifting becoming more of the unconscious wriggling he found himself doing whenever he allowed his thoughts of Alec to drift. So some of those thoughts of wrapping his arms around Alec were steeped in his own personal need, and want, more than they were about bringing Alec any kind of _comfort_. But he was, after all, not stupid; if someone as amazing as Alec would see fit to turn their attention his way, then he was going to accept all of it, rein his own sad memories in, and make of it all he could.

Chiding himself with a soft groan for his circular thinking, Magnus checked the time on his phone, pleading with Alec to hurry up and arrive to save him from this constant introspection, while fearing his arrival because of all that may or may not bring. The ring of the doorbell had Magnus jumping up and cursing himself for stupidity, quickly smoothing his hands over his clothes and checking his hair. He all but ran across the room to press the buzzer to let him in and debated turning away again, pretending he was in the middle of something and having to delay his return to the door once Alec finally knocked. But who was he kidding, Magnus laughed, swinging the door open wide and teetering in anticipation on the threshold, staring the elevator down until the light announcing its arrival came to a pulsing stop.

Magnus' breath stuck in his throat as the doors drew back, with Alec stepping out and his face splitting into an instant smile the second he saw Magnus there waiting for him. His pace quickened and before Magnus could do anything more than grin back in answer, Alec was reaching for him, cupping his face and claiming a kiss as he backed him into the apartment.

More than happy with that outcome Magnus hummed against Alec's lips, feeling them curl against his own as he reached back to shove the door shut behind them. Without breaking their kiss Magnus slid Alec's bag from his shoulder to drop by their feet, then guided Alec to press him back against the door. Alec's hum of approval was accompanied by him grabbing Magnus' ass, pulling him tighter to him and rolling his own hips to meet Magnus'. Okay, so perhaps their _only kissing_ had involved quite a bit of this kind of thing as well, Magnus amended for the warm kisses mouthed into his neck. Perhaps some nights it felt like they were just seconds away from giving in to what they wanted when they couldn't keep their hands off one another. Perhaps Alec's breathy gasps were imprinted on Magnus' mind for how often he heard them. These things didn't mean he wasn't left wanting even more of Alec, that he wasn't left _aching_ with that want each time they pulled apart. Magnus answered Alec's hum with a soft groan, forcing his fingers in the gap between the door and Alec's ass to shove his fingers deep into his jean pockets.

"Well, hello to you too, Magnus," Alec said a few moments later, winking at him as he straightened to loop his arms low around Magnus' waist.

"I believe you started this—hello, Alec."

"Yeah," Alec agreed, sucking his swollen lip into his mouth as his eyes drifted down to Magnus' mouth, "yeah, I suppose I did."

Magnus surged forward claiming a harder kiss, darting his tongue along the seam of Alec's lips and feeling him shudder as he studied the shape of his mouth. Alec's head knocked back against the door as Magnus mouthed over the tattoo on his neck that he'd been taunted by ever since Alec first walked into Leaves. Alec angling his head away to _let_ him only made him want more.

"You really don't need to look quite so pleased with yourself," Alec said when Magnus finally pulled back, his fingers curled in a loose grip on his upper arms. The drop in Alec's voice and the heat in his eyes told Magnus an entirely different story, however, making his throat dry out. He told himself to calm, tangling their fingers together to anchor himself, before leading Alec to the couch and tugging for him to sit down.

"Oh, I do," Magnus argued, leaning over Alec once he was seated and kissing him again. "And I should confess. When I invited you here for dinner, I had planned to actually prepare something for us to eat. But I have been so... distracted for thinking about you being here: if you have no objections, we could perhaps order in?"

Alec's fingers bunched in Magnus' shirt, dragging him closer. Magnus straddled his lap without thinking, freezing in alarm. Alec only swallowed hard and pulled him flush against him, kissing him hard again. Magnus adjusted in his lap, the roll of his hips brushing their growing arousal together, and forcing out stuttered moans from them both.

"No objections whatsoever," Alec managed to blurt out in between their kisses, his fingers already up the back of Magnus' shirt.

"We can order whenever you are ready," Magnus added, knowing that if they didn't stop and order something right then, things were going to escalate fairly quickly. And despite wanting that more than anything Magnus also wanted to hold back a little, to savor this moment for what it was, for as long as possible.

" _Now_ ," Alec agreed with a roll of his hips, hands splayed over Magnus' thighs. "Because if we don't, well—"

"Agreed." Magnus ducked to mouth over Alec's tattoo again, darting his tongue against it and smiling for the way Alec stuttered for it.

"I'll stop if you stop," Alec said, though it sounded like it was the furthest thought from his mind. Magnus smiled against Alec's neck, nipping there a little before pulling back, his pants now too tight for the look of glee on Alec's face.

"Alexander. You know you make it nearly impossible for me to do anything else."

Alec only smiled, running his hands over Magnus' thighs. The light sweep of his thumb over Magnus' straining fly had him parting his legs, dropping his gaze as Alec felt out the shape of him through his pants. Magnus allowed himself to watch for a few more seconds then leaned over him, knocking his upper lip against Alec's so he'd know to part them.

Shifting in Alec's lap, Magnus leaned back only enough so he could sneak his fingertips under the front of Alec's shirt. He stroked over the denim of his jeans and the leather of his belt without interruption. But when his fingers reached the intended target of Alec's skin, that flesh turned rigid, tensing beneath him as it so often did. The uncertainty in Alec's eyes when Magnus pulled back made his stomach drop, and Alec's earlier though vague comments about him being scarred played back to him once again. He'd been curious about what Alec's scars might look like, of course. In these past weeks, their tentative exploration of one another had always cut off with Alec's hands flattened against Magnus' fingers to stop him, with a haunted look in his eyes that Magnus couldn't work out the meaning of. But Magnus realized then that the fear in Alec's eyes was of rejection, that Alec thought seeing those scars would make him less interested in him. The renewed anger Magnus felt for not having the right words to say for any situation, least of all ones as important as this one they were in, had bile rising in his throat.

Magnus' frown for himself was caught by Alec, however, who of course seemed to interpret it as one that was meant for him. In dismay Magnus felt Alec shifting beneath him, straightening up as though to get away, despite Magnus sitting on him. Desperate to make Alec understand, Magnus curled himself over him and kissed him hard, showing his intention to not go anywhere. Alec returned the kiss at first reluctantly, and then with something that felt like tentative hope, clutching his fingers around Magnus' thighs in a press that seemed to plead with him to stay put.

Magnus smiled against Alec's lips, slipping his fingers back out from under Alec's shirt and instead sliding up the front of it, pinching at his top button. He held Alec's gaze as he moved to pop it, kissing him in reassurance before doing anything. Alec swallowed hard and nodded, loosening his grip on his thighs. Magnus still took a few more seconds just to be sure.

With a slow, lingering kiss, Magnus slowly unbuttoned Alec's shirt, keeping his eyes on Alec's and careful not to touch his skin. Alec's breath caught when the final button was undone; Magnus kept up his unrelenting kisses until he felt Alec relax beneath him. He hummed against his mouth in reward, closing his eyes as Alec squeezed his thighs in encouragement.

"Is this okay?" Magnus asked softly, resting his hands on Alec's shoulders. Alec nodded again, and without breaking eye contact raised his hands to grip his shirt. Magnus watched him swallow and kept his eyes on Alec's, as Alec pulled his shirt open to expose his chest. Alec's eyes dropped then, only for a moment, which Magnus took as an invitation to look. But he didn't want to, didn't want Alec to think of himself as a spectacle. So he leaned in again, resting his fingers on Alec's collarbone, then slowly stroked a path down, resting his fingertips against his stomach.

"Magnus—"

"You're beautiful," Magnus said shaking his head before leaning in for a kiss as he stroked his thumb up his stomach.

Alec swallowed thickly, squeezing Magnus' sides then moving so he would know to give him room, carefully sliding his shirt off. Magnus' heart broke for him as Alec discarded the shirt on the floor with his head bowed forward, as though he didn't want to look up.

"Alexander," he said, hooking his finger beneath Alec's chin, "you're _beautiful_."

When Magnus was as certain as he could be that Alec was ready, he rested his palms on Alec's shoulders, gently sliding his way down his arms. He could feel the ridges and whorls of scarring but only smiled in reassurance, quickly tangling his fingers through Alec's then dropping them again. Magnus lightly gripped around Alec's waist relishing in having Alec's skin beneath his hands, carefully sweeping his fingers over him in exploration. He stroked over Alec's ribs and then nipples, fingertips delicate as they brushed over him, letting his gaze drop when his thumb brushed over a patch of hair.

"I used to be pretty hairy," Alec said, looking down at his fingers. "They don't think it'll grow back. Not properly, anyway. And if it does, it'll be like _this_ , all patchy, and—"

Magnus silenced him with another kiss, knowing that if he left Alec to keep talking, the words that came out would be harsh ones for himself. He waited for Alec to nod back at him then swirled a thumb over a darker patch of skin on Alec's arm. "Was this a tattoo?"

Alec sighed, prodding over the area himself then at several others, drawing Magnus' attention to other patches of his skin. "I had so many. My arms, back, torso. My neck, obviously. I'm grateful that one is still intact at least."

"What do they mean?"

"Izzy and I found this old book of runes in some boxes in the basement when we were kids. We used to draw them on each other and pretend they had meanings, and powers. Like strength, agility, flexibility; that sort of thing. And when Jace came to live with us, we started talking about getting some of them as tattoos. All three of us have them now. I just… well. I'm grateful I still have this one, anyway."

Magnus followed Alex's jab of thumb towards his neck and surged forward to mouth over it again. Alec grinned at him for it when he pulled back, tilting his chin for a kiss. Magnus continued to explore him with gentle fingertips, writhing in his lap so that they would brush together through their clothes, and Alec could still feel how _interested_ he was. Alec's smile was one of relief when Magnus checked his expression, with even his shoulders losing their tension.

Magnus reached out to lightly graze his fingers over angry red whorls and swirls of flesh, puckered in some places and ridged in others, with patches elsewhere that just looked charred. He wouldn't do Alec the disservice of calling the scarring anything like beautiful, because he very much doubted Alec would welcome that, or even believe it; at least not now, not yet, not with the accident being so raw for him. But already Magnus could imagine absently tracing patterns over Alec in sleepy sunlight, of being around Alec long enough to watch all that angry rawness fade. Alec sat perfectly still through his ministrations, dropping his gaze to watch Magnus' fingers before raising his head to look at him with a smile.

Smiling back to encourage him, Magnus continued his gentle caress over Alec's chest, leaning in to kiss him when Alec tilted his chin for it. Slowly circling his hips, Magnus continued to writhe in his lap sending small sparks of arousal through them both. Alec's eyes fluttered closed and his head dropped back, though when he looked at Magnus again, his expression was full of _want_.

Alec's kiss now felt full of gratitude and acceptance, of allowing himself that want. And as he kissed back with new fervor, it was harder for Magnus to break away from him to suggest that they stop to eat first. Especially when Alec's hands shifted to grip around Magnus' hips and he found himself on his back against the couch cushions with Alec leaning over him and knelt between his legs; though seeing his face pinch up into a slight wince had Magnus freezing up.

"It's fine." Alec's dismissal of Magnus' attempted question had them both pausing; Alec shifted a little again and his frown of discomfort dropped. "My skin is still a little raw, I guess? Sometimes everything hurts, or I get these shoots of pain—"

Magnus silenced Alec by angling his head up to kiss him, hands stroking down the texture of tortured skin over his back that already felt familiar to him. "If we need to wait—"

"No." Alec adamantly shook his head, swallowing thickly as he stared down at Magnus, leaving him torn. That _want_ he felt coursing through him warred with his urge to take care of Alec, to not do anything that would cause him any further amount of hurt.

"No," Alec repeated as though reading his thoughts. "No, I want this— _more_ , I mean. I want _you_ , Magnus..."

Sliding his hands over Alec's ass so he could roll up beneath him, Magnus dropped his head to the side giving Alec room to mouth over his throat.

"I want you too, Alec. But only if this doesn't feel too sudden for you. Or too much."

"It doesn't. Does it for you?"

"Honestly? No," Magnus said, drumming his thumbs against Alec's sides. "This feels long, long overdue for me."

"Then?"

" _Slowly_ ," Magnus said, turning his head for a kiss. "And you need to tell me, the moment when it is too much, or if we need to do things differently, or—"

"Magnus," Alec said, laughing; Magnus could hear the falseness in it but smiled back anyway. "It's only skin."

It _was_ only skin. Magnus already thought Alec was the most beautiful person he'd ever got his hands on, but he could understand that Alec would need time to believe his injuries didn't change _him_.

"And I know I've got some stuff to work through—"

"Alec..." Magnus watched Alec's eyes flutter closed as he dug his fingers into his ass again and rolled up against him more insistently.

"I hope I'm usually way more smooth than this," Alec said then, breaking into a self-deprecating grin as he settled himself more comfortably on his knees and bent down to nuzzle into Magnus' neck.

"I would say getting me on my back without any warning would still be considered to be fairly _smooth_." If Magnus felt himself stirring for the belated realization Alec had literally just flipped him over with minimum effort, he felt no one would blame him for it.

Alec's grin twitched a fraction wider. Confidence crept back across his shoulders, with Alec bending again for another kiss in time with a slow stirring of his hips. "It feels like you like that idea."

"It is very possible."

"How possible is _possible_?"

"Since the moment you told me that you were a firefighter, I have been indulging in several detailed fantasies about being rescued from burning buildings, or you wearing your work clothes and little else."

Magnus blinked for his own outburst, his eyes growing wide in alarm in case those words would do anything like offend, or upset Alec. The look of intent that slowly settled on Alec's face and the way he brushed his lips over Magnus' before giving him a teasing kiss reassured him, however, as did the way Alec seemed to melt against him as he relaxed further still.

"You're—you've been _thinking_ about me, Magnus?" Alec mumbled against his ear, making Magnus shudder and his heart quicken.

"Yes. So often, and so much, that at times it has been impossible to sleep."

When Alec pulled back to look at him, the corners of his mouth began to twitch up into a smile. "Oh? And you—how did you deal with that?"

"Oh. I think you know."

Alec's eyes flared as he darted his tongue over his lips, staring at Magnus with renewed intent. "So, you were thinking of _me_. When you—"

" _Yes_."

" _Fuck_ ," Alec stuttered out claiming a desperate kiss. Dinner was further delayed by another half an hour or so of frantic making out, grinding against one another and bruising lips, pulling back only for the briefest of moments to regain breath before starting all over again.

Magnus' phone vibrating against his hip was the thing that finally gave them reason to slow, with Alec sitting up to give space for Magnus to retrieve it from his pocket. Magnus winced in apology, cursing himself for forgetting to silence his phone, sliding it out and glancing down at the screen to glare at it as though the phone itself was at fault. Catarina's name flashed up, and the string of emoticons in the message preview were enough to tell him of its contents; he turned the phone for Alec to look and loved watching the way he burst into laughter on seeing it.

"I guess she knows I'm here?"

"I may have—Catarina has an unfortunate habit of letting herself in unannounced. Most of the time it isn't a problem. However—"

"You didn't want any interruptions tonight," Alec finished for him with a wicked, gleeful smirk; Magnus' hand flew to his earcuff, but he made himself smile back.

"I did not."

"Well, since we're up," Alec said, leaning in to kiss him again, nuzzling against Magnus' cheek before sitting back, "maybe we should order something now, before we get carried away again."

"And perhaps have something to drink; I apologize, Alec, I am a terrible host."

The laugh Alec gave as he reached out and pulled Magnus into a half hug before releasing him was small, but enough to have Magnus grinning once again. Especially when he spoke and his voice was gravelly and rough. "I think what you've given me so far has more than made up for it," he said, which earned Alec even more kisses.

Dinner was eaten civilly at the dining table, because both of them knew if they didn't move from the couch they'd probably be too distracted by, and with each other. The pause softened the edges of that _want_ in them, and when they sat down afterward with full stomachs and beers to hand, everything became more gentle between them. Slow, exploratory kisses, Magnus losing his shirt too so that fingers could trail patterns over them both, that exploration accompanied by small smiles that showed each other just how happy they were to be there.

A while later, Magnus felt Alec pulling back a little from him, catching hesitance cloud Alec's face and trying to interpret what it meant. With shaking fingers Alec reached out, lightly stroking over the back of Magnus' hand then holding it in a grip with his thumb against his palm, pulling his hand down. When his fingertips pressed lightly against one of the larger marks on Alec's chest, Magnus raised his eyes from where they'd fallen to sweep over Alec's face, trying to work out what he wanted. Alec swallowed thickly, forcing Magnus' eyes to drop to watch his throat as he did, then pressed Magnus' fingers more insistently against himself.

A flood of tenderness washed through Magnus then, leaving him debating with himself before lightly wrapping his hands around Alec's hips then dropping to the floor in between his legs, gently pulling until Alec knew to slump down with him. Magnus settled more comfortably, then ran reassuring hands up Alec's thighs before leaning over him, pressing soft kisses across over Alec's skin, whether warped by burns or not.

Magnus kissed scars, cataloged them, internally wept at the thought of Alec suffering, and poured as much affection as was possible into tender kisses. Magnus looked up when Alec swallowed thickly again, so on alert to make sure everything they were doing was exactly what Alec needed. His gaze was still impossible to interpret, and for a moment Magnus wished that he was a mind reader instead of having to sit there and watch Alec struggle to get his words out. But no words were even needed; Alec raised his hands to press on Magnus' shoulders urging him to shift back then raised to his feet in front of him and turned around. Magnus watched tension return to his posture as he stood to join him, resting his hands lightly on his sides.

For a moment Magnus didn't understand, but then his eyes swept over the continuation of scarring over Alec back, arms and shoulders, and Magnus was closing his eyes in renewed grief. He curled himself around Alec, stretching up to start kisses at the base of his neck, determined to cover every single wound Alec had ever had inflicted on him with his lips. He wished that such gentle affection could in some small way make up for it all that had happened to Alec, agonized for knowing that it wouldn't.

Alec sighed beneath Magnus' mouth anyway, and Magnus was pleased to note the way the tension slowly seeped from his shoulders leaving him pliant for his touch. Alec leaned back against him when Magnus looped his arms around his waist and squeezed, kissing a shoulder blade and resting his head there with his eyes closed. All he wanted right then was to take care of Alec.

When he'd talked himself into it Magnus slid his hands over Alec's skin again, gripping him by the waist as he looked him over. Alec peered at him over his shoulder before turning around, looping his arms behind Magnus' back to keep him close.

"Will you come to bed?" Magnus asked, one hand up to cup Alec's face so he could read his expression, make sure it was what he really wanted. "Only to sleep if you want. That is—"

Alec cut Magnus' words off with a soft kiss and a small nod, slotting his fingers through Magnus' again and smiling. Magnus stooped to pick up Alec's bag and walked him through to the bedroom, dropping it down to one side of the bed and reaching to switch on the lamp. He hoped the softer light would make Alec more comfortable than the brighter one of that overhead.

Magnus then led Alec over to the bathroom showing him where everything was, turning his back discreetly as Alec rummaged in his bag to pull out his toiletries before quietly closing the bathroom door behind him. He took the time to plug in his charger, thumb through and wince at both Catarina's and Ragnor's string of teasing messages, and straightened out the comforter yet again.

At the cleared throat to his side Magnus glanced up, seeing Alec standing awkwardly in the doorway wearing just his boxers holding a neat pile of his clothes against his stomach. Magnus tilted his chin over to a chair for Alec to set them down on then lingered his hand over Alec's stomach in passing before going into the bathroom himself. Taking a moment to smile affectionately for seeing Alec's toiletry bag neatly sat on one of his shelves, Magnus readied for bed, stripping down to only his boxers to mirror Alec. He reminded himself to push his pajamas from beneath his pillow to the floor when he went back into the bedroom, nervous excitement jolting in his stomach before going back in.

His breath caught when he stepped back in to find Alec perched awkwardly on the edge of the bed pulling down the leg of his boxers in a way that only drew in Magnus' attention. One single swirl of burn sat under Alec's fingers, while a stripe of mottled and puckered skin covered a larger patch of his other thigh. Alec raised his head, catching the direction of Magnus' gaze, and slumped with a bitter smile.

"I honestly can't tell you how all of this happened. I know some stuff melted down from the ceiling on me, and that the liquor kept bursting into flames and spitting out all over the place, so that probably caused some of this. I know I picked up one of—one of the people up who'd just been on fire themselves to carry outside. I remember it taking a while to notice, but then feeling so much radiant heat, like my skin was melting away beneath the surface, you know? But all this _mess_ , I can't specifically tell you how I got all of it."

"Alec," Magnus said gently; how was there ever going to be a right thing to say about this? "You saved people. You risked your life for others, to prevent others from being injured. The specifics—the most important thing is that you are here now, and recovering."

Alec nodded, his gaze falling down between his thighs. "If I'd have been working, maybe it would've been different, you know? I'd have been wearing PPE, and—my clothes melted on to my skin in places. Not that you can really pick out those burns from all the other mess, right?"

"Alec," Magnus tried again, crossing the room in three quick strides and kneeling between Alec's thighs, gently wrapping his hands around them just above his knees. "These scars, they do not change who you are. They are a part of you, but they are not all of you."

With a light squeeze around Alec's knees again Magnus looked up, catching Alec's attention and smiling. He held their eye contact a moment longer then leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to the smallest area of burn. Alec instantly jolted, though from the rough intake of breath Magnus knew it wasn't in pain.

Magnus gripped a little tighter, pushing lightly on Alec's thighs so he would know to part them; Magnus leaned over Alec's left leg and kissed every part of the scarring there that he could get to, constantly monitoring Alec's reaction. Pulling back and balancing himself on his knees and the balls of his feet, Magnus looked up at Alec again, catching the longing look in his eyes.

Keeping that eye contact for a little longer Magnus then bent, pressing a kiss first to Alec's kneecap, then to just inside his knee, and then another an inch further along until Alec jolted again. Magnus paused, fixed his eyes on the awkward swallow of Alec's throat then looked away again, pressing a slow insistent trail all the way up Alec's inner thigh until he was pushing his knees further apart still.

"If I'd had skin grafts, they'd have taken the skin from here," Alec blasted out, his words trembling as Magnus stared up at him.

"Here?" Magnus asked sweeping his thumb over where Alec had just stroked, watching the way Alec swallowed for it.

"Well. Here, or my ass."

Smirking, Magnus lingered another kiss to Alec's thigh, and as he'd been daring himself to do since he'd got down on his knees, allowed his thumb to press a long, slow slide against the swell in Alec's boxers.

Alec's sharp inhale of breath in response had Magnus growing in confidence, bending to mouth over him through the fabric and smiling as Alec hardened against his lips, his legs jolting apart. Feeling bolder still, Magnus lifted his palms to hook his fingertips in the waistband of Alec's boxers, tugging a fraction and looking up at him for permission. Alec looked terrified but nodded anyway, bracing his hands in a curl around the edge of the bed and lifting himself up just enough for Magnus to tug his boxers down.

With no hesitation now Magnus leaned forward, licking a slow stripe up Alec's shaft and lapping his tongue over his head. He dropped his hand down between his legs for some relief for hearing Alec's broken, breathy reaction. Magnus took Alec's cock head in his mouth as he squeezed himself to suck a little then slid his lips along his length, closing his eyes at the weight of Alec pressing along his tongue.

Magnus closed his eyes to Alec's fingers shakily reaching out to thread through the back of his hair, gripping lightly but not pushing. He dragged his lips unhurriedly down Alec's length for a couple of slides, listening to Alec's breath rattling out of him, until he had to shift and palm at himself again for the arousal stirring in him. Alec's reaction when he realized what he was doing was instant; leaning forward to wrap his fingers above Magnus' elbows and pulling, with a silent request asking him to stand. Once up, Alec tugged down Magnus' boxers without any hesitation, leaning forward and immediately mouthing along Magnus' length before sucking him in.

Magnus was helpless but to stutter forward for the heat engulfing him, his hands on Alec's shoulders to steady himself. Magnus lost himself in the feel of Alec's mouth on him, groaning as Alec wrapped his fingers around his base and lapped over him repeatedly before swallowing around him with his own pleasured moan. The sight of Alec's mouth stretched around him had Magnus' knees weakening, and Magnus willed his hips not to roll and jolt like they urged to.

"Alexander," Magnus mumbled, tapping his thumb against Alec's shoulder and asking him to pull back. When Alec looked up then he was glassy-eyed and swollen-lipped, a sight that left Magnus groaning softly to himself.

Magnus reached down to slot his fingers through Alec's, pulling him to his feet then urging him to sit in the middle of the bed. Snatching up the bottle of lube he'd put in his bedside drawer earlier Magnus bent to kiss his shoulder, one hand braced against the bed as he gripped Alec's cock for a few strokes. Magnus' stomach clenched at the groan Alec answered with, and he had to take himself in his hand to get more relief. Alec narrowed his eyes as he watched, batting his fingers away so he could stroke Magnus himself.

Magnus bent to kiss him again, then quickly arranged himself so he was sitting in Alec's lap. He reached back so Alec would know to part his thighs and held on to him as he wriggled into the gap between them. Alec looked down between them, with the most adorable confused frown on his face before he smiled in understanding.

"This," he said, running his hands over Magnus' legs as he settled, "this is a _great_ idea."

"I thought so," Magnus agreed, shifting just enough so that he could demonstrate just how _great_ a position they were in, humming as their cocks knocked together.

Dropping the lube to the bed so his hands were free to sweep over Alec's chest, Magnus dropped back on his hands as Alec reached for him, watching Alec wrap his fingers around his cock. He thrust into his grip, dropping his head back with a groan for a twist that sent a spiral of heat raging through his core. Magnus looked again for the swirl of thumb over his cock head and pushed himself forward, claiming a hard kiss.

Magnus uncapped the lube and slicked them both up, taking a little longer on Alec just because he could. He leaned forward again, darting his tongue into Alec's mouth for every stroke he gave him. And in a messy tangle they took each other in grip, whispering encouragement in between kisses. Alec's smile for him was blissful, with repeated glances down to look at them, slick and slippery and heated, and in no hurry at all.

Magnus kept one hand around the nape of Alec's neck to anchor himself, though Alec soon tugged on his wrist then slotted his fingers through Magnus' so that they could hold hands against the bed. Alec shuffled closer, taking them both in his grip and setting a firmer, faster pace, blasting gasps against Magnus' mouth. Magnus reached down to slot his fingers in the gaps between Alec's, chasing a kiss that they stuttered in and out of as waves of pleasure coursed through them and interrupted it. After only another few strokes Magnus was coming, fighting against throwing his head back so he could keep his eyes greedily on Alec for the final few strokes before he was coming as well.

Alec dropped his forehead against Magnus' and shuddered, their breath still blasting from their mouths as they calmed, still holding on to one another's hand. When Alec pulled back to smile at him Magnus leaned in for another kiss then unsteadily climbed from the bed. He had no idea what care Alec had to take with his skin but assumed leaving him _sticky_ would do nothing to help his scarring. He didn't want Alec to feel like he had to be the one to tell him what he needed.

Alec took his offered hand and followed him through to the shower cubicle, the relief in his smile telling Magnus he'd made the right decision. They shared lazy kisses under the shower spray until Alec grinned sleepily against Magnus' lips, and he leaned to shut the water off.

Alec hesitated when Magnus reached out with a towel to dry him, dropping his eyes apologetically to his own chest so that Magnus would follow his gaze. "Sometimes it's really sensitive still. And drying it can be—it's just better if I do it. For now, at least..."

Magnus instead handed the towel over and pressed a kiss to Alec's cheek, reaching for his own towel and drying himself off as he watched Alec do the same. He let his eyes linger where he itched to touch himself, smiling when Alec finally looked back at him.

"Do you have treatment for it?"

"I put this cream on before I sleep and when I get up," Alec said with a turn and stretch to drag a large tube from his bag.

Magnus nodded at the tube and leaned in to kiss him again. "I can do the back ones if you want me to," he offered, then worried if it was a step too far, wishing yet again that he knew what was the right thing to do.

Alec stared back at him for what felt like far too long before he slipped the tube into Magnus' hand and turned away from him. Magnus let out the breath he'd been holding and unscrewed the cap, pausing quickly to read the instructions and applying a liberal amount of the cream as delicately as he could before pressing a kiss into Alec's shoulder to tell him he was done.

Alec turned, his smile grateful as he ducked for another kiss. "I'm gonna finish up. Is it okay if I come and join you in a few minutes? I just—it'll need a few minutes to dry is all, and—"

"Whenever you are ready." Magnus pressed a chaste kiss to Alec's lips then left the bathroom, still questioning his actions and hoping he'd not overstepped any marks or done anything to offend him. He slid beneath the comforter but sat rigidly, attempting to look patient but feeling anything but.

When Alec turned into the room a few minutes later than he'd promised, Magnus found himself sagging with relief that he didn't look like he intended on leaving. Magnus watched in silence as Alec moved around to his side of the bed, shyly flicked back the comforter and easing himself in. He laid down stiffly at first then turned on his side, smiling when Magnus mirrored him.

"I hope I don't wake you with—you know," Alec said, apology in his voice that Magnus rolled forward to kiss away, and Alec immediately tangling their fingers together again.

"I don't care," Magnus told him with an adamant shake of his head, hoping he'd know what to do should Alec wake with a nightmare whilst in his bed.

"And," Alec continued, looking regretful, "I'll—I want to sleep with you, Magnus, like this. Like… you know."

"It may hurt your skin if we lie together without something between us?" Magnus guessed, forcing himself to keep the disappointment from his voice and telling himself not to be so selfish. He'd lost probably hours to the thought of falling asleep in Alec's arms, or having his arms wrapped around him. Alec nodded, and with a regretful drop of his shoulders sat back up, shrugging into the t-shirt he'd screwed up in his hand out of Magnus' sight.

"I think if—there isn't so much scarring on my back, and my legs aren't… they aren't so painful anymore. So maybe if I sleep on my side and—and you're behind me. You don't have to _touch_ , obviously. I'd understand if—"

Alec's voice trailed away, or was rather swallowed by Magnus' kiss, intense with his desperation to take away any doubts Alec might be having about how much he wanted to curl up around him.

When Alec pulled back he gave him another shy smile then shifted, turning away from Magnus and bringing his knees up so that he was laid almost fetal-like. Magnus turned out the light and shuffled closer, closing his eyes for the feel of his stomach pressing against Alec's back. He rested his hand on Alec's stomach over his t-shirt as he settled, smiling when Alec immediately slotted his fingers through. Alec turned his head just enough so Magnus knew he wanted a kiss then settled in his arms with a contented sigh. They talked late into the night, comforted by the darkness to reveal the things they hadn't already shared with one another, until a restful sleep came to claim them both.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warnings***
> 
> Alec has a _lot_ of scarring from his burns! They are covering quite a bit of his body; they're going to be described in a little detail, so please be aware of that before reading. He's also going to feel pretty vulnerable as we 'look' at them, so prepare for that too. Overall, things are going to be good, the chapter has a positive ending.


	10. Chapter 10

**Alec**

"Hey. I'm looking for a guy. Can you help me?"

Alec winced at the voice as he stood drying his hands out of sight and knew Magnus was already smiling—even if he couldn't see his face from where he was.

"He's really tall, and always scowling. The last time I saw him was in my kitchen, oh, I don't know. Two, three days ago now? Maybe more? Have you seen anyone looking like that, Magnus?"

Alec heard Magnus' laughter building before Izzy could even finish her words. And even more laughter blasted from Izzy moments later when Alec stuck his head around the Leaves kitchen doorway with one indignant raised eyebrow. Magnus swiveled on his stool to smile at him while Izzy beamed at him in mischief from the other side of the counter.

"I don't always scowl—"

"There he is!" After yelling, Izzy clapped her hands together, grinning at Alec as she continued to laugh. "I just wanted to… you know. Check you still knew where you lived, is all."

With a heat to his cheeks that Alec pretended he didn't feel, he straightened himself up in the doorway and came to stand behind Magnus, smiling at the warmth of Magnus then leaning back against him.

"Why, did you run out of stuff to eat or something?"

"Well, you know. We do _have_ to eat," Izzy said, leaning her elbows on the counter.

Magnus bumped his head back against Alec once then rose fluidly to his feet. He gestured at the tea ingredients to his side checking to see if Izzy wanted any, studying her in thought with his fingers pressed to his lips before spinning away when she said she did. Alec felt exposed with no shield but the counter between him and all of the mirth in Izzy's expression.

"I was planning on coming back tonight." Alec tried to keep his tone neutral, but whatever Izzy heard in his voice had her laughing again and slapping the counter.

"It's okay, Alec. Don't strain yourself to come _home_ , Alec."

"Hey—"

"Would you like anything to eat, Izzy?"

Izzy and Alec turned as one for the sound of Magnus' calm, neutralizing voice, both of them smiling affectionately but in entirely different ways.

"I'm good, thank you, Magnus. Especially if Alec's coming home tonight; maybe he can cook."

"Then, you should take something for dessert," Magnus suggested as an intervention, darting a quick glance at Alec when he went to retort. Alec tried not to smile but failed, watching Magnus walk back to the counter to pull out a cake. "I think Clary liked this one when she was in here last."

Alec continued to watch as Izzy and Magnus mumbled to each other deciding on something for them to eat later. Their gentle teasing and ease of conversation settled a new sense of calmness in Alec's chest. Izzy _liked_ Magnus, and Magnus seemed so relaxed in her company. What more could Alec want than that?

These recent weeks, Alec's life had been more whole than he could remember it feeling in years. It had grown on him slowly this sense of being _settled_ , being comfortable with the life he was living even if things were far from perfect for him. He had Izzy to thank for that, and Clary of course, as well as his family back in New York who he messaged most days, and called when he could. The friends he'd made here had helped with that feeling, and above all having Magnus in his world made Alec really believe that everything was going to be alright.

The first night he'd bared himself to Magnus had been one of the most terrifying experiences in his life. He'd spent hours staring at himself in the mirror trying to plan for every possible reaction, changed his clothes more times than he could count. Allowing Magnus to unbutton his shirt then sliding it from his shoulders so Magnus could _see_ had made his heart pound so frantically, Alec was sure he had bruises in his chest. Though of course, this was _Magnus_ , who had accepted him as he was from the moment they'd met. Alec's inability to meet his gaze was resolved by Magnus tilting his chin, the smile waiting for Alec when he finally looked up draining away so much of his self-doubt.

And ever since, Magnus had looked at him with those same eyes, looked at him with _want_ every time they were together, always happy to be by his side no matter what they did. They'd had dates when they'd done nothing but talk as Magnus showed him some of his favorite places to eat, and nights when they couldn't _not_ touch one another, falling asleep in Magnus' bed exhausted and sated. Alec was _happy_ , and _content_ , and Izzy's comment about him not being home much of late nothing but a fair one. It was easy to forget just about everything when he was alone with Magnus.

"You should come too."

Alec came back to himself for Izzy's invitation to Magnus, his mind already going into overdrive thinking about what he should cook, what food might be at Izzy's, and if he was even ready for Magnus to be interrogated by the tag team that was Izzy and Clary.

"I have plans this evening. But perhaps another time."

Alec ignored the disappointment he felt for Magnus' answer, keeping his expression easy, nodding as though he hadn't expected to hear anything different. Izzy shrugged, easy as anything. "Clary is on lates for a couple of nights anyway. Why don't you come over in a couple of days so you can see her as well?"

"Izzy—" Alec began to protest, but was cut off by Magnus answering.

"That would be good, thank you, Izzy. Of course, if it is okay with Alec, since I imagine it will be him who is cooking?"

Alec felt his chest puff out at Magnus siding with him, glaring at the snort of laughter Izzy gave them both. But he took a step forward and wrapped an easy hand around Magnus' waist, smiling when he leaned into it.

"Hey," he said, squeezing his fingers into Magnus' side, "you're always welcome. And I kind of owe you dinner by now, right?"

"Aww..." Izzy's single word of teasing forced tension across Alec's shoulders, but Magnus smiled easily for it.

"Then I will come over soon," Magnus promised, turning towards him.

"Well," Izzy said, her eyes sweeping between Magnus and Alec, "now I know you're alive—"

"I guess I can... I guess I can come with you now." Alec said the words but didn't feel them, reluctant to be leaving Magnus' side already. He felt better for the pinch of Magnus' lips that spoke of his own reluctance, but still felt a pang of loss that he argued with himself about being too soon. They hadn't made any plans for tonight, but Alec had already pictured staying with Magnus until closing. Though maybe Magnus was looking forward to going home alone.

"Ragnor will be here in an hour," Magnus told him with a soft groan to accompany his words, leaning into Alec. "This is going to be a difficult evening, I imagine."

"Oh?"

"It will be an interrogation. Ragnor's workload currently is overwhelming; I haven't seen him in person for a couple of weeks. He will have many, many questions for me, about—well. About us." Magnus' voice trailed away into another, deeper groan. "Alexander. It is going to be excruciating."

Alec swallowed hard for recently learning just how well Ragnor interrogated; Magnus would likely be telling him all kinds of things without even intending to share them. Just the thought of what Magnus might tell him had Alec feeling like he was standing there naked. "I can stay with you if—"

"No." Magnus' eyes grew wide in alarm; Alec fought with his stomach not to knot. "No. I have a feeling that would only make things worse."

Alec looked over to Izzy and with unspoken agreement Izzy nodded and turned away, calling a soft goodbye to Magnus. The moment Izzy was heading out of the cafe Alec turned Magnus in his arms and looped them low around his waist, pulling him close. "You gonna be okay?"

Magnus nodded against him pressing back with a sigh. "I will be fine."

"Message me when he's done with you?" Alec asked, not wanting to come across as needy but feeling needy all the same.

"Of course. During, probably." Magnus tilted his chin up to be kissed. Alec leaned immediately to claim that kiss, glad Izzy was looking elsewhere.

"I'll see you soon?" Alec asked when he forced himself to pull back, already half-planning to come into Leaves tomorrow if Magnus was around.

"Tomorrow. If you are free. I will be here from four."

Alec nodded, leaning in to kiss him again, smiling against him as he pulled Magnus in for a hug. "See you tomorrow, Magnus."

Alec had the solace of the drive back to Izzy's in her car since she was driving Clary's. Though trying to imagine all the things Izzy might want to ask kept him company on the way. Izzy gave him the time it took to grab his bag from the trunk, and the short walk needed to go through to the kitchen, before she was turning on him. The smirk on her face pressed Alec into a chair better than any physical force ever could.

"So."

" _No_."

"Alec." Izzy gave him a reproachful look over her shoulder as she opened the fridge to inspect its contents, Alec hit by a wave of guilt for watching her shoulders sag. He hoped they'd at least thrown out whatever had gone off in there in his absence, but doubted it.

"I'll order something in? I'll go shopping tomorrow."

Izzy gave an easy shrug as she spun back around. "It's fine. Clary is bringing pizza before she goes to work anyway."

"So why'd you—where is Clary, anyway?"

"She and Jocelyn are spending the afternoon together. But don't think you get to change the subject on me," Izzy said, wagging her finger at him.

"What?"

"C'mon, Alec. I had to get you here somehow. You're holding out on me. You've barely told me a thing about... you know."

"What? What do you want to know?" Alec tried not to be defensive because he knew there wasn't any real need for it, but he was still wary about sharing something that was already so important to him. It might have had more to do with him being afraid to jinx things with Magnus than not wanting to share with Izzy, but that was beside the point.

"Alec. You look _happy_."

"Well. I am."

"So you and Magnus..."

"What about us?"

Izzy smiled, tracing a pattern over the table with her finger that Alec watched so he didn't have to make eye contact. "Are you... you know..."

"Izzy." Alec's voice rose in embarrassment; not because there was anything to be embarrassed about when it came to him and Magnus, but because it had been so very, very long since there had been any reason for Izzy to even have that smug look on her face.

"Hey," Izzy said, hands up in defense as she continued to grin at him. "I just want to know if we should be calling him your _boyfriend_ , or—"

"How about you just call him _Magnus_ , huh?"

"Well, obviously," Izzy agreed with a shrug, returning to the fridge and pulling out two beers from a shelf, grimacing as she wiped off a stray smudge of lettuce from the side of one of them. "But still. Is he?"

"Is he what?"

"Your _boyfriend_?"

Alec thought about that, considered if he should have asked Magnus that question for himself to be sure. But the way he felt, and the ease with which they felt together, told Alec he didn't need to question it. "He is."

"He is, what?" Izzy demanded, that grin just growing full wicked and leaving Alec resisting the urge to close his eyes to escape it.

"You know. Boyfriend. Mine."

"...aww..."

* * *

"...looking good."

Alec froze at the feel of Maia leaning in and peering over his shoulder, then returned his focus to the drawing in front of him again, a pencil poised between his fingers ready to get back to work.

"Yeah?" he asked, still doubtful. He had been coming to draw in Maia's store for about a month now after she'd cleared a small table for him and told him to _sit there and look pretty_ , and that he might as well draw at the same time.

"Are you kidding me?" Maia said, picking up an earlier finished piece Alec had been working on. "That kid that came in yesterday. Eyes out on stalks."

"I don't know if—"

"You know what we should do?"

Alec winced, recognizing that unstoppable excited tone in Maia's voice. He turned to look at her more fully like that might help him brace himself, and shook his head slowly, waiting for her to unveil whatever brainwave she was currently having.

"We should take some pictures of your work and put them on the store website, see if we can't get you some commissions."

Maia cuffed Alec around the back of the head at his noises of doubt and dismissal, already pacing around the store and talking about where best to take the pictures. Alec was helpless but to do as he was told; to hold things up where she told him, to argue that he was absolutely not being in the pictures himself. But when she'd finished even Alec had to agree she'd captured his drawings really well.

"So you're just gonna... put them up on the site, and what? Ask people for money for them?" Alec asked, watching as she frantically tapped away at her laptop and did whatever it was she was doing with the website.

"Duh. Of _course_. I'm gonna create you a profile, give you an email address here at the store so people can send you asks and stuff... it's gonna be awesome!"

"Uh... Maia?" Alec pointed in objection at the email address she was creating for him and tapped at the screen, earning himself a swipe to his stomach with the back of her hand that had him wincing and curling over. "I'm not—"

"What? You don't think _therealclarkkent_ works for you?"

"Uh. _No_."

"C'mon, Alec," she said, nudging against his arm. "Are you telling me you wouldn't be a superhero if you had the chance?"

"Well, sure," Alec replied. "But more of the Red Hood kind, instead of showing my actual face."

"But look at you with all that... I don't know... cheeks and jawline and stuff. You're so _pretty_."

"Maia—"

"What?" Maia asked, looking at him in faux-innocence, her eyes traveling over the glow that was now all the way up Alec's neck for his embarrassment. "Just because I don't wanna play doesn't mean I can't appreciate the goods."

Maia squealed as the hand she'd raised to pat against Alec's cheek he took in his own, pressing a kiss to the back of it. "See? Always the perfect gentleman—"

"Am I to challenge you to a duel, Maia?"

With their hands still grasped, Alec and Maia turned as one to the amused tone of Magnus' voice. He'd apparently entered the store with them both being too distracted to notice him until he was actually inside.

"Is that the suitable, respectable way to fight a queen for what is mine? I apologize for not knowing the etiquette of these things," Magnus continued as he stepped closer, his eyes wide and delighted and firmly on Alec's, making Alec's heart thud to see it.

"Hey, I'm not gotta fight you over what's already yours," Maia said as she pulled back her hand from Alec's grasp, looking between them both and sighing, mumbling things under her breath Alec did his best to unhear.

Maia had demanded Magnus' number that first time Alec had taken Magnus with him for a board game night. There had been several days following when Alec had to fight the urge to press a kiss on the frown on Magnus' forehead before helping him to decipher whatever message Maia had sent him. Maia had done with Magnus what she had done previously to Alec; taken him under her wing and embraced him into her circle of friends like he'd always belonged there. And when Alec had returned home after that first kiss with Magnus, Maia had been the first person he'd messaged. She was so happy for them both that sometimes the most inappropriate things fell out of her mouth unchecked.

This though, what she'd just said for the way it lit up Magnus' face, was something Alec might even get her to repeat again sometime. "What she said," Alec agreed as Magnus stepped up to him, claiming a kiss and nuzzling against him. "I'm all yours."

"So. What are you doing?" Magnus asked, leaning into him and turning just enough to look at Maia without loosening his grip.

Maia had already sat back down and returned to work. "I'm gonna showcase Alec's art on my website. See if we can earn him some cash or, you know. Just get him some attention."

"That is a great idea," Magnus enthused, insinuating himself in the gap behind the counter uninvited and peering over Maia's shoulder as she worked, hands grabbing to reach behind him so that Alec would wrap his arms around his waist.

"I still don't know about this," Alec began protesting, pressing a kiss into Magnus' shoulder and closing his eyes for seeing his artwork on the laptop screen.

"You are _good_ , Alec," Magnus enthused, squeezing his fingers in the gaps between Alec's and leaning back against his chest. "Your art is beautiful. Why would you not at the very least show it?"

The look Maia turned around to give Magnus, Alec recognized as her very own brand of approval. Alec tightened his grip on Magnus and hooked his chin over his shoulder with a sigh, accepting defeat. Magnus squeezed his fingers right back and leaned his head against Alec's nuzzling there in solidarity, though his eyes were fixed on the screen where Maia continued to work.

* * *

Alec closed his eyes to the feel of Magnus' lips at his throat, slipping his hands up the back of his shirt. They'd only been at Magnus' a few minutes but already they'd found their way to the couch and on each other. How had he ever kept his hands off Magnus for the past few hours in the company of their friends?

The sole purpose of Magnus meeting Alec at Maia's store was so that a few of them could go for drinks together. Alec was sure they hadn't turned into _that_ couple who couldn't keep their hands to themselves in polite company. But Maia apparently thought otherwise, had _commented_ on it, frequently, with Andrew, and Simon in particular cheering every time they so much as held hands. It was _ridiculous_ , but Alec loved it, loved how easy it was to be with Magnus and how comfortable he was with their new friends. Even when Raphael joined them and spent most of the time scowling, Alec knew he was in good company. And now he was in even better company; alone with Magnus.

With a tilt of his head to give Alec better access to his neck for his kisses, Magnus let out a contented sigh echoing that sentiment. "Alexander. Would you stay with me tonight? I have a parcel of tea to prepare, but aside from that, I'm all yours."

Alec mouthed up his neck, splaying his fingers wider on his stomach, smiling in relief at being asked. "Of course."

"But first," Magnus said, squeezing his fingers, "I have something I should show you."

Though Magnus didn't move, only claimed his mouth in a harder kiss, slotting his fingers through Alec's hair to keep him close. Alec pulled him closer still, pawing at his back, and hips, and ass. It was hauling Magnus into his lap and Magnus slipping for putting his knee on a pillow instead of the couch that cooled their mood, the two of them giggling as Alec helped Magnus right himself.

"Sorry."

"You okay?" Alec asked, squeezing Magnus' thighs once he was settled.

"Of course. Although, if you give me a moment, I really do have something to show you."

Alec gripped Magnus by the waist as he stood to steady him, watching him walk to his bedroom and smiling when he came back in the room. Magnus settled back beside him, his fingers curled around the edge of a thick notebook. Alec caught the nervous way he toyed with its edges, so leaned to press a kiss to his temple as he splayed a hand over the book.

"What's this?"

"On multiple occasions now, you have shown me your art," Magnus told him, leaning in for another kiss as he slid the notebook into Alec's lap. "I thought it only fair that I share with you some of my own work."

"Seriously?" Alec's eyes flew back down to the book in his hands in anticipation, his caress of its cover a touch more gentle. With delicate fingers he folded the book open, palms sweeping up over the pen-pressed paper with a final glance up at Magnus to check that him reading this really was okay.

"I'll make that tea," Magnus announced with a soft kiss to his cheek. Alec watched Magnus head to the kitchen then turned back to the notebook, captivated from the very first page. Alec was so engrossed that he startled at the feel of Magnus sliding his hands over his shoulders from behind sometime later, smiling for the kiss to the side of his head.

"Why the hell haven't you published this?" Alec asked pressing back against him, incredulous and disbelieving that anything so amazing wasn't already on the shelves of bookstores everywhere.

An embarrassed though wordless response from Magnus pressed into his neck had Alec reaching his arms back stiffly to wrap around and pull him in closer. "It's _good_ , Magnus. I mean, I know I've not finished it yet, obviously, but I'm telling you; I'd read it again, ten times over."

"Well. Perhaps you are biased." Magnus pressed a kiss into Alec's hair, unhooking his fingers and walking around the edge of the couch to pull him to his feet. Alec turned the book so that it would keep open on the page he was on and pressed it against the coffee table face down, then took Magnus' hands to be pulled up.

"Hey," Alec said, leaning in to kiss him. "I'm allowed to be biased. Boyfriend, remember? But even if I wasn't; it's good. Honestly."

"I will remember that logic the next time you argue with me about your own talents, Alec. Now. Are you hungry? I could make us something to eat?"

Alec nodded and curled his fingers into Magnus' waist, his stomach already rumbling just for the mention of food. That was one of many things that had settled down for Alec since he and Magnus had become _them_ ; his appetite had evened out and now announced its demands at regular intervals, which combined with his ever-improving sleep patterns left Alec feeling mostly like himself again. The nightmares lingered and anxiety still had Alec in an occasional grip, but much of his physical recovery was showing excellent progress.

That Magnus made no fuss whatsoever over his scars Alec found possibly the most comforting response; Magnus didn't seem to see them as an addition or loss, only as a part of him. When Alec's skin was flaring with oversensitivity and left him feeling squeezed and trapped within it, Magnus only adjusted the pressure of his touch. On one particularly sensitive day, Magnus had helped him apply his cream, then slotted their hands together whilst slowly getting him off with his free one, all with soft kisses and whispered encouragements and leaving Alec feeling like there was nothing he couldn't do.

His guard fell for a second, Alec finding himself listening to the voices in his head whispering reminders that although there had been plenty of intimacy between them, Magnus didn't seem to want _more_ —that he didn't really want Alec. That he was disgusted by the state that was _him_. These voices didn't win out very often when Alec was in Magnus' company, but they were persistent. Though instead of listening to them for even a second longer, Alec strode into the kitchen like he could leave those voices behind, wrapping his arms around Magnus' waist at the sink and pressing kisses into his neck.

"Alexander. Are you attempting to distract me from preparing our dinner?" Magnus asked, amused and leaning back against Alec's chest. Alec mouthed along his neck, slipping one hand beneath the tunic shirt he was wearing, pressing his fingertips over his stomach and up his chest, a teasing swipe over his nipples in turn that left Magnus humming.

"No. I'm just saying thanks for dinner. In advance," Alec added, nosing along the back of his ear and wrapping his arm firm around Magnus' waist, the other sneaking lower in a circling pattern until his fingertips were ghosting along the length of his fly. Magnus leaned his head against Alec's and pressed even firmer back against him, softly rocking his hips. Alec decided this was an invitation and began to cup him through his jeans.

"Well. This is a very good way to say thank you."

"You approve?" Alec asked, feeling out the shape of him as he continued nuzzling along his ear.

"I very much approve."

"Yeah?" Alec asked again, pulling Magnus back by the hips and rutting up against him, the swell in his own jeans nudging firm against Magnus' ass. Magnus hummed in answer, which Alec took as a second invitation, and with Magnus' hands busy in the sink, Alec was free to explore.

As Magnus washed vegetables, Alec first slid his hands more securely to grip around Magnus' hips and rock against him, then pushed his shirt up as far as he could, bending to kiss his way up Magnus' exposed back. He dropped his hands to Magnus' thighs and squeezed before sliding them up to cup around his thickening length, teasing his button open then slowly sliding down his fly.

"Well. Perhaps dinner can wait a little while."

Alec peered around Magnus and smiled into his shoulder to see him stacking the vegetables on a plate, gripping the edge of the sink. Alec nipped a path down his neck as he slid his hands around Magnus' waist, slipping his hand into his boxers and taking him in his grip. Immediately Magnus leaned his head back against Alec's shoulder and widened his stance. Alec smiled and kissed into his neck beginning a languid stroke, rewarding Magnus for every moan with another kiss. As Magnus grew louder Alec pressed a harder kiss into his neck, dropping his grip on him only to hook his fingers into the waistband of Magnus' boxers and push them down along with his pants to mid-thigh. He ran his fingertips over his ass smiling for the way he shuddered for it, then wrapped one hand around his waist as he took Magnus back in his grip. Magnus' answering moan this time was dirtier; Alec pulled Magnus firmer back against him, rutting harder against his ass.

"Yeah. We can eat later, right?" Alec said, his thumb swiping over Magnus' cock head making him stutter and nod his head against him.

Alec kissed his shoulder then pulled Magnus' pants up enough so he could walk without tripping, slotting his fingers through Magnus' and leading him through to the living room. He pulled Magnus to face him already tugging his pants and boxers back down, smiling against his mouth as he wrapped his fingers around his length. Magnus made quick work of freeing Alec of his jeans, and in seconds they shed the rest of their clothes leaving them stood rutting together with their hands splayed wide across bare skin. Walking him backward, Alec pressed until Magnus was falling to the couch, with Alec sinking between his legs on his knees and sucking Magnus into his mouth.

Magnus' groan had Alec smiling around his length, the tension in his thighs calling him to stroke over and hold him in place. He began a messy, lazy mouthing up the length his cock that left him drooling, Magnus' fingers trembling as they cradled the back of his head. Alec's own cock pulsed and jolted for the noises Magnus was making, though he told himself to wait. He grabbed the back of Magnus' knee to hook it over the arm of the couch, splaying him wide and giving him easier access.

Alec pressed his palms hard against Magnus' spread thighs still keeping him in place as he swallowed him down, his thumb dipping occasionally to tease a circle over his hole and each time earning himself a whimpered gasp from Magnus. When he pressed his thumb a little firmer Magnus rolled his hips to chase it; Alec moaned in approval and gave a harder suck, drooling and aching for the way Magnus writhed beneath him.

"Alec," Magnus called out sounding torn, his fingers gripping tighter through Alec's hair, trying to pull him up or hold him steady so he could fuck his mouth; Alec couldn't tell which. He hummed around Magnus' cock then pulled off him with a loud, wet pop, resting his chin on his thigh. Wrapping his fingers around Magnus' length and continuing to lap his tongue over his head as he was trying to speak, Alec gave a quick glance up that told him Magnus' eyes were on every single lick.

"I don't know, Magnus. I was enjoying my dessert. Starter, I guess," Alec teased, dropping a hand between his own legs to give himself a little relief, as at his words, Magnus' legs splayed open a touch wider.

"Get up here." Magnus' command had Alec squeezing himself hard before he could press his hands on Magnus' thighs to lever himself up. Before Alec could sit, however, Magnus grabbed Alec's ass and pulled him forward, sucking him into his mouth and making Alec stutter forward, having to rest his hands on Magnus' shoulders for support. With a wicked glance up at Alec, Magnus darted his tongue over his crown again then patted the couch cushion beside him, asking him to sit.

The moment he was sat Magnus was leaning over and kissing him, and they were back to their usual losing themselves to exploration, smiles, and kisses that proved the final silencer of Alec's earlier doubts. Magnus splayed a hand on Alec's stomach before sliding it down into a light grip around his cock, leaning back to watch Alec's face through every twist and squeeze. He continued watching, humming in approval as Alec let out a loud moan for the pleasured heat building in his core.

"Alexander. I want to ride you. Will you let me?"

Alec ached at the thought of it and dropped his forehead down on Magnus' shoulder, his hips bucking of their own accord into Magnus' grip.

"Will you? Will—"

" _Yes_." Alec pressed a kiss to Magnus' neck before pulling back to look at him. "I want that; I really want that."

Magnus rewarded him with a smile and stood, pulling Alec to his feet. Alec cupped Magnus' face for a hungry kiss the moment he was up, which Magnus smiled for then raised his own hand to press his fingers through Alec's, leading him to the bedroom.

The moment they were on the bed Alec kissed his way up Magnus' chest until he was bracketing his face between his hands. He leaned down for a long, languid kiss as he pressed their cocks together with a continual roll of his hips between Magnus' thighs. Magnus' hands trailed up his sides, one finding its way to tangle through Alec's hair, the other pressing between his shoulder blades pulling him close in what felt to Alec like a claim.

"You got—" Alec began to say, cut off immediately by Magnus shifting beneath him and reaching for the nightstand, retrieving what looked like an unopened bottle of lube and a full box of condoms.

"It has been... a while," Magnus confessed, dropping the box by his hip. Alec swallowed hard and nodded, leaning in for another kiss before taking the lube from Magnus' outstretched hand. Kneeling back, Alec slicked up his fingers, eyes dropping half-closed as Magnus splayed his legs open wider for him and tilted his hips up in invitation. Alec wrapped his free hand around Magnus' knee and bent to press a kiss there then slid his fingertips between his cheeks, smiling at Magnus' hurried roll up against him.

"If it's been a while—it's been a long, long while for me too, actually," Alec said, shifting himself so he could lie comfortably over Magnus and angle for a kiss.

"I want to do so many things with you, Alec," Magnus told him, his voice edged with need and making Alec stir a touch harder.

"Oh, yeah?" Alec asked, circling a finger around Magnus' hole and then pressing firm until it gave way, his finger sliding all the way into him in a slow, steady press. "Like what?"

Magnus whimpered as Alec flexed his finger inside him, lips parting and his eyes dropping closed as Alec began a slow slide in and out of him. "Well, for starters, I want... I want to be _in_ you too."

Alec's heart thudded for the thought; he bent down to claim a desperate kiss and flicked his tongue between Magnus' lips in time with his finger dragging in and out of him. "Yeah, I want that too."

Whatever Magnus had been intending to say was lost as Alec's kiss grew more demanding, and Magnus began rocking back against his hand. Alec pressed in another finger and swallowed Magnus' answering grunt, urgency conquering his wish to take his time opening Magnus up. Magnus appeared to share that urgency, flinging his hips down and muttering encouragement for Alec to go faster, to open him wider, gasping as Alec angled his fingers just right in him making Magnus plead for even more.

"Now, Alec," he demanded, gripping tightly around Alec's wrist and grinding down on his fingers, his head falling back against the pillow as another groan punched its way out of him.

"You sure?" Alec asked, but already Magnus was pulling Alec's fingers from him and sitting up, urging Alec over on to his back and shakily opening the box of condoms. Alec's offer to help was bat away, with Magnus grinning at him and leaning back over for a kiss. Then his concentration taken entirely by ripping open the condom foil and sliding the condom down over Alec's length, a slick of lube added in a hurry as Magnus pushed both the box and tube to the floor and impatiently straddled Alec's thighs.

Magnus knelt his way up until he was over Alec's hips, holding him by his base and positioning himself over him. Alec reached out, parting Magnus' cheeks, his stomach jolting in anticipation. And with one final look at Alec, Magnus pressed a hand square in the middle of Alec's chest as he lowered himself on to his waiting cock, taking him all the way in with a low, rumbled groan until he was full.

Alec's hands flew out immediately to stroke a greedy path up Magnus' thighs, eyes fixed on Magnus' face as he writhed in his lap, clearly getting himself comfortable. The tightness of Magnus around him had Alec scrabbling his feet against the sheets for purchase, the heat of him flooding out through Alec and making him arch. Alec gripped tight around Magnus' hips and angled him backward, watching himself slipping in and out of Magnus as he impaled himself on him in slow, languid rolls. Magnus winked at him the moment Alec made eye contact, curling forward enough to watch himself.

With a slight press of his fingers around Magnus' waist, Alec asked him to pause, holding him up a little higher just where he wanted, and then giving slow rolls of his hips, groaning for every time he filled him. Magnus' encouragement was filthy, a string of curses and whimpers that surged further heat in Alec's core and had him gripping tighter, thrusting up harder, groaning out how good Magnus felt.

Magnus fixed Alec with a look then that had him swallowing painfully, his hands slipping to Magnus' thighs as Magnus grinded down on him hard. Alec's breath caught as Magnus grunted, splaying his legs a little more and raising himself back up, lost to chasing the pleasure in him with a blissful look on his face.

Magnus kept his eyes on Alec then as he began circling his hips, groaning to himself and biting down on his lower lip. Alec kept still, unable to look away as Magnus alternated between rocking his hips and raising himself up just to drop back down with increasing force, punching louder moans out of himself each time.

Magnus pitched forward, pinning Alec down by the shoulders and using the leverage to ride him just how he wanted, leaving Alec to call out with every roll of pleasure yet do nothing to seek it. He waited as long as he could before gripping tight around Magnus' waist, parting his own knees wider, and thrusting up into him again. Magnus cried out for it picking up his pace, dropping himself down harder still and whimpering to himself with every thrust. Alec watched Magnus writhing in his lap in apparent ecstasy and decided he might be the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his life.

Magnus let a long whine then, wrapping his hand around his cock and beginning to stroke himself furiously. Alec tried to take it all in; the look on his face, Magnus' hand on himself, the way he raised himself up over and over, but it was too much, felt too good, taking only a couple more thrusts before he was arching up and coming hard inside him. Magnus cried out again at feeling him come, working himself faster still before letting out a string of breathy gasps then tensing up, coming hard with a final grind down on his cock.

Magnus sagged, one hand to the bed for support and the other still milking himself, ripples of pleasure rocking through him until he groaned again and finally stopped moving. Magnus curled himself over Alec briefly pressing their foreheads together before sitting back up, smiling and catching his breath. In silent agreement Alec reached out to hold himself steady as Magnus pulled off, flopping down on the bed next beside him face first with an exhausted huff. Alec made quick work of pulling off and tying up the condom, raising his head just enough to look for the trash can to toss it into then grabbing up some tissues to wipe himself down, throwing them in the can as well.

They rolled towards each other as one, lazy kisses and tired stroking of hands, before Magnus leaned in to kiss him once and nodded towards the bathroom. Magnus had adapted without complaint to Alec's showering routines, not once questioning the skincare he had to go through to treat his still recovering wounds. There was even a half of a shelf in the bathroom Magnus had cleared for all of Alec's treatments; it was only a small gesture, but Alec's breath caught every time he saw it.

Magnus left Alec to finish drying himself off and apply the final layer of cream he needed, and when Alec returned to the bedroom Magnus was sliding a glass of water on to the nightstand on Alec's side of the bed. He watched Magnus slip on a pair of lounge pants and absently move around the room, feeling his own sense of contentment and even a sense of belonging.

In a fit of bravery, when Alec dressed he only pulled on his boxers, leaving the majority of his scars exposed knowing Magnus would neither judge nor pity. He was free with Magnus, in ways he'd never expected.

"Was that okay?"

The doubt in Magnus' voice had Alec immediately pulling him into his arms. "Are you kidding me?"

"Well—"

Alec claimed a harder kiss so Magnus would be in no doubt of how he felt. Magnus smiled in relief when he pulled back, pressing his forehead against his chest with a tired groan.

"Are you hungry now?" he asked when he looked up again. "Or can you wait a little longer?"

"No," Alec said, hugging him as he pressed a kiss to his forehead, "no, I can wait."

"Then, perhaps we can sit for a little while."

Alec closed his eyes as he nodded before slotting their hands together to lead Magnus to the couch. He stretched out the length of it, Magnus immediately crawling to lie in his arms. They were asleep in minutes, with smug, contented smiles on both their faces.

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warnings***
> 
> A subject/subjects are going to be hinted at in this chapter that may be unpleasant for some. I promise you that everyone is okay, and that the chapter is, for the most part, a soft one, but if you want to know more please check the notes at the end before reading.

**Magnus**

" _Izzy_. Make yourself useful, and leave Magnus alone."

Magnus fought back the smile threatening to erupt on his face for watching Alec glare at Izzy's cackle as she grabbed the bowl from Alec's extended hand and left the kitchen. Izzy's exit was encouraged by a firm shove between the shoulders from Clary, who was actually no better; the look of mirth on her face as she turned back to look at Magnus and Alec was nothing short of wicked. The moment they were alone again Alec sagged, and Magnus was helpless but to laugh, smiling in reassurance as Alec's eyes lifted to him filled with apology. Magnus ignored his own slight embarrassment for Izzy's less-than-subtle teasing, smiling with nothing but affection at Alec cursing under his breath.

"Magnus. Please come here."

Magnus let out a soft _oof_ as Alec reached out with both hands to grab him into a hug. "I can assure you," he said, pressing a kiss to his shoulder since Alec didn't feel like he was planning on letting go of him, "I doubt that this... _ordeal_... is any less than you have had to endure in the company of Ragnor and Catarina."

The innuendo and teasing had started before Alec had even got the front door closed behind him, Izzy taking Magnus' gift of wine while Clary took _him_ by the hand and dragged him into the kitchen muttering about Alec _fussing_ all afternoon in preparation. And it hadn't _stopped:_ commentary about Alec's outfit changes; that he'd done something to his hair especially for Magnus; an actual cheer when Alec picked up oven gloves to bend and check how the sausage ragu was cooking while telling Magnus to _enjoy the view_. Magnus had been nervous about this almost-formal dinner, but Izzy and Clary's efforts to tease just made him feel at home. Magnus _loved_ that.

Alec's soft, mortified groan was muffled in the crook of Magnus' neck as he clung to him even tighter, forcing another peal of laughter from Magnus' mouth. "I am so sorry—"

"Alexander," Magnus said, gently pushing him back as he smiled at him. "It's fine. Do not worry."

"It's _embarrassing_. First time I bring you home to officially meet them, and they act like _this_."

"Then we will just have to do something worthy of being embarrassed about," Magnus told him, grinning with the reminder of how nervous Alec had been about arranging this first meal between the four of them—and how that nervousness had meant it had taken several days to set it up.

Alec narrowed his eyes, giving him a curious smile. "Like what?"

Magnus pulled him closer claiming a firm kiss, nudging his lips apart with a thoroughly dirty slide of his tongue. He tugged until his back bumped against a counter, deliberately rolling his hips against Alec in time with that continual slide of his tongue. Alec caught on instantly, fingers first sliding up and through the back of Magnus' hair then slipping to cup his jaw, sucking Magnus' lower lip between his own.

Magnus' soft moan in answer had Alec grinding up against him, his fingers dropping to unbutton his shirt, exposing an extra inch of Magnus' chest and then ducking to press open-mouthed kisses there. By the time Alec had worked up the length of his neck to his earlobe with grazing teeth and lathing tongue, Magnus had quite forgotten where he was and any such decorum he should therefore have. His hands continued to mold and squeeze Alec's ass through his jeans while a string of filthy promises slipped from his mouth unchecked.

"You want me to take—woah."

At Izzy's spluttered surprise Magnus attempted to tuck into Alec's neck, but not before a snort of laughter erupted out of him. Alec continued his kissed trail over his skin, oblivious to Izzy being back in the room with them.

"Alexander," Magnus whispered, nosing at Alec's neck before nipping at his ear, sliding his hands back out of his pockets to rest more politely on his waist.

"What?" Alec blinked at him slowly, and Magnus felt himself stirring at the sight of Alec's eyes so tinged with arousal. He adjusted his stance for comfort, the movement making Alec look down and _grin_.

Izzy's embarrassed clearing of her throat behind them had Alec turning his head comically slow, enough to make Magnus have to hide his smile all over again.

"I'll come back," Izzy stuttered out, hands in front of her face as she backed out of the kitchen, apparently walking into Clary from the yell of protest that drifted back to them out of sight.

Magnus raised his arms to drape around Alec's neck, tilting his head up to claim a kiss of victory. "I think that went well."

Alec only shrugged, kissing him thoroughly once again.

"We didn't even do anything," he said, his voice already at that pitch that always tightened Magnus' pants as he ducked down to continue mouthing along Magnus' neck. "We could have been doing a whole lot more."

Magnus opened his mouth to reply but his words were cut off by his own undignified squeal as Alec hoisted him with barely any show of effort to sit on the counter. Alec was already nudging between his knees before he had him settled, running his hands over Magnus' thighs.

Magnus _loved_ how easily Alec could lift and move him around. Since that first time Alec had flipped him on his back on his couch, Magnus had been picked up and rolled over as if he weighed nothing, pinned against the door of Leaves at closing time and kissed up against it for anyone passing by to see. And the way Alec held him in place with little more than the press of his palms against his open thighs when he sucked him off left Magnus having to adjust himself every time he thought about it. Which was quite a lot.

Alec, of course, was well aware of how much Magnus enjoyed all of these things. He grinned up at him with a look of triumph that had Magnus' throat click, and though Magnus began to protest at the inappropriateness of Alec running his thumb up his length through his clothes, how good it felt meant Magnus succeeded only in splaying his legs a little wider.

Alec's smile grew even more wicked, adjusting his fingers to wrap around him as best he could through the constricting fabric and squeezing, angling his mouth up for a kiss.

"This was your idea, Magnus," Alec pointed out, sliding his hands back down Magnus' thighs and lifting them at the knee so Magnus would know to wrap his legs around him. "You said we should do something worthy of being embarrassed about. Though now all I want to do is put dinner on hold and carry you like this to my room. Finish what we started here."

Alec's lips at Magnus' neck added to the desperate gasp blasting out of his mouth; Magnus wrapped himself tighter around Alec and slid his hands up to cup Alec's face, pulling him into a frantic kiss.

"Alexander, we should—"

"I'll pin you down," Alec kissed into his lips, cutting Magnus off entirely, "I'll pin you to the bed so you can't move, and I can do whatever I want to you."

Images assaulted Magnus then of just that happening, leaving him wrapping his legs even tighter around Alec, any concerns he might have been about to raise about Izzy and Clary being just in the other room forgotten entirely.

"You like that, don't you, Magnus," Alec said, hands gripping Magnus' ass and tugging him closer still, then pulling back to squeeze over Magnus' biceps and grin at him. "Even though you could pick me up, take me anywhere you wanted—do anything you wanted to me—you like it when I do all this to _you_. Don't you?"

"You miss the point. That's _exactly_ why I like it," Magnus retorted, making Alec's smirk widen. As Alec claimed yet another kiss Magnus debated with himself what the social etiquette might be for them to abandon their dinner plans in favor of what Alec was suggesting.

"Uh... guys?"

The uncertain, mortified tone of Clary's voice was exactly the cold shower they needed. Magnus couldn't help smiling against Alec's smile lips for his indignant grumble of complaint. Magnus raised his head and found himself helpless again, this time at the view of Izzy looking so very unwelcome in her own kitchen doorway, with one hand covering her eyes and the other out in front of her, as though she was feeling her way into the room.

Clary peeked out from behind Izzy's back, and that was the final thing to set Magnus off; he dropped his forehead on Alec's shoulder laughing helplessly, as Alec wrapped his arms around him and snorted his own laughter into Magnus' neck. Alec pressed a kiss to the side of his head then pulled him down from the counter, gently gripping him by the waist. He pressed him back against it giving Magnus a wink that spoke volumes about promises, then turned to look at Izzy, shielding Magnus behind him.

"What?" Alec demanded, and the annoyance in his tone might have been fake, but it set Magnus off laughing again, raising his arms to wrap around Alec's waist and grinning into his shoulder blade.

"Uh... nothing. Just... do we... uh... how long before dinner's ready?" Izzy eventually managed to get out. Magnus couldn't see the expression on her face from where he was standing, but the mortification was still evident in her voice.

"About fifteen minutes; why don't you go set up the table, give me and Magnus a few minutes to—"

"Is _that_ all you've got in you? Fifteen minutes?"

Magnus shrank into himself, first at Clary's response, second at Izzy's audible reaction to Clary's response, and third at the way Alec squared his shoulders wider with indignance practically written across the back of them. A moment later Alec was turning on him again, pressing him harder against the counter and kissing Magnus so filthily, he was convinced he was seeing stars. But at the sound of a protesting Izzy backing out of the kitchen once more, Magnus felt Alec's lips curling against his into a smile.

"Who knew it would be so easy to make Izzy stop talking?" Alec said as he laughed, leaning in for a chaster kiss. "I should have figured this out _years_ ago. Magnus. Why did I only meet you _now_?"

Magnus took in the mischief in Alec's eyes, the light stroking of his fingertips just beneath his shirt, and the hard press of Alec's body tightly up against his own, and decided he was about the luckiest man alive.

* * *

"So how does all this stuff actually work?"

Magnus turned at the odd tone of Izzy's question and took in the slight frown on her face as she lifted her teapot lid to peer in at its contents.

"Izzy?"

"The ingredients of the tea," Izzy said, replacing the lid again and glancing back up at him.

"Well, I have never particularly looked into the chemical composition of the ingredients, but I believe that they have properties that are conducive to aiding with certain ailments. I am sure you know prior to pharmaceuticals we relied on plants—and all of nature—for everything; from pain relief to… pigmentation for skin coloring. Tattoos and eyeshadows and such," Magnus elaborated for the way Izzy's expression seemed to press for more information.

"I guess," Izzy said, frowning and her fingers tapping distractedly at the side of her teacup as she waited for the tea to brew. "I've seen that it's helped Alec. With sleep, with his mood sometimes. He said some of the tea you made him helped with how stiff his shoulders feel at times."

"I am glad that it has been effective," Magnus agreed, coming around to sit down beside Izzy at the counter, though himself facing the door, with one eye constantly drawn to the clock on the wall willing it to speed up.

"Do you think there is... does any of this stuff help with... you know..." Izzy asked, cautious as she slowly raising her index finger to point at her temple, then dropping it away again in embarrassment. "Not that I—"

"Izzy," Magnus interrupted, shaking his head, "it is natural for you to want to find something to help Alec with whatever issues he may have. He is recovering well."

Since Magnus and Alec had been together, Magnus had gained not only an incredible boyfriend who fulfilled him in ways he hadn't even known he was missing out on, but also an extended family in Izzy and Clary, who treated him as though he'd always been a part of their lives. But the pride Magnus felt watching Alec's continued recovery had him bristling in defense with any kind of suggestion that Alec might not be doing as well as he should be. Not that it was really what Izzy was implying at all, Magnus told himself then, internally wincing.

"I know," Izzy agreed, "I just didn't want you to think—"

"As I have already told you, Izzy: I think no less of Alec for what I assume is likely a form of depression and anxiety. I was a rather anxious child myself, so I am well aware of the assumption some people have that you can just snap out of it of these things, or that it is attention seeking, when neither are true. And neither does it make anyone any less of a person for having these things."

Izzy gave a slow nod then, and the slight twist of her lips told Magnus there was more to it than that. Magnus settled back on his stool and grabbed his cup from behind him, allowing the smell of the mint drifting up to soothe him as he told himself to be more patient with Izzy.

"It's good to hear that." Izzy turned to him wide-eyed, and Magnus shook his head at Izzy's obvious concern that she'd caused offense. "I meant, that I'm happy—relieved it doesn't bother you if Alec's... you know..."

"Alec is an exceptional man who happens to have been through a traumatic experience," Magnus replied, haughty and feeling his ire at Izzy rise, however unnecessary he knew it to be.

"He is," Izzy agreed, smiling then rolling her eyes at herself and turning enough to pour more of her tea. "What I meant was... I know I fuss over Alec. I try to get him to talk a lot. I try to get him to get... _help_. Because you're right, he is a good... a _great_ guy. He's just never really had the chance—or given himself the chance, even—to be _just_ that. Always putting everyone else first."

Magnus nodded, sad at the image Izzy's words painted but finding they added little to the picture of Alec he'd already built for himself. He took another sip of his tea and nodded for Izzy to continue.

"I didn't want you to think I was... I don't know. Being pushy, or trying to hurry him into some other kind of recovery before he was ready, you know?"

"I understand, Izzy. Really. And to answer your question, yes. Some of the ingredients in these teas are used as natural remedies to combat numerous mental health issues. In fact, doctors advise those on some anti-depressant medication to refrain from using things such as St. Johns Wort in combination with what is prescribed. It was irresponsible of me to not consider that when I first made tea for him here," Magnus added, cursing to himself under his breath at the latent realization.

That first time he had made tea for Alec, had taken in the stoop of his body and the bags beneath his eyes, really, he should have asked. Not that Magnus knew how he would have done at the time, or would have had any right to enquire for not knowing him then. In fact, Magnus didn't truly know if he could have done things any better. Though he played over numerous possibilities as in silence, as he and Izzy continued to drink their tea.

"I think we both know he'd never take or do anything to help unless he was force-fed it—or forced into it," Izzy said, nudging against Magnus' arm in solidarity to show there was no harm done.

"He repeatedly talks about returning to work," Magnus said, the thought occurring to him that perhaps Izzy shared his concerns about Alec trying to push himself before he was ready.

"Yeah," Izzy agreed, frowning, "technically, I suppose in some ways he is ready to go back. But every time he talks himself down to that station—"

"It takes him hours... days sometimes to cease being angry with himself for not being able to go inside," Magnus finished for her, his shoulders dropping with the memory of Alec's defeated look the last time he had tried.

"I don't know if he's ever gonna make it back to what he used to do, you know?" Izzy said, the look on her face telling Magnus she'd been thinking it for some time. Perhaps this was the first time she'd allowed herself to say it out loud.

"Alec is concerned that he does not know what else he can do. As he continues to tell me, firefighting is all he has ever known." Magnus knew Alec had been spending time with Andrew trying to talk to him about work, knowing each time he'd come away frustrated with himself. Magnus had hoped their time together would _help_ , long over his residual misguided jealousy of Andrew. The dejected look on his face each time told Magnus otherwise, leaving him helpless to do much but hold Alec tight until his mood shifted.

"Yeah, I know it is. But you know, Magnus, even if—even if he was one hundred percent back to normal, fighting fit, and really ready to go back. The thought of him doing that now... I never even really thought about Alec being in any kind of danger when he was working before. It's always been what he's wanted to do, and so without it—"

"He feels lost."

"He does," Izzy agreed. "But the thought of him doing that now. I just... I don't think I'd handle it too well. I'll support him every step of the way if he's sure he wants to go back into firefighting, but if, or when he does... every time I hear about a fire, I think I'm gonna lose five years of my life."

Magnus considered how he himself would feel at the thought of Alec rushing in and out of burning buildings and chastised himself for his thoughts instantly turning to lustful ones.

"He is very thorough in his skincare routine," Magnus said then, an abrupt change of subject that thankfully Izzy went with without commenting on. Magnus' mind wandered to memories of watching Alec patiently rubbing cream into his skin, and Alec allowing him to help, and he had to clear his throat before he got carried away with himself.

"Yeah," Izzy agreed, wincing, "I haven't seen it; not for a while now. When he got here, those first few days, I had to help him. Because he couldn't reach, or he was in too much pain to do it himself. In the hospital he didn't... it didn't look like much, you know? He was still just _Alec_. Still smiling, hiding the fact he was in pain—he's way too good at that. And it's why I know how much pain he's been in with these burns, because he's actually _showing_ how much pain he's in. That scares me. A _lot_. To think of my brother suffering like that. I hate it."

Magnus sighed in understanding. Although Alec seemed incapable of hiding anything he was feeling from him now, Magnus could easily imagine how much Alec must keep from other people.

"Anyway," Izzy said, shaking her head as though it had been stuck with memories she didn't want to see again. "Back in the hospital. He was just _Alec_ , you know? The dressings covered all his burns, and he was making jokes about being some kind of Egyptian mummy—that might have been the morphine talking though, I guess."

Izzy's voice trailed off again; Magnus sat patiently sipping at his tea, his eyes darting between the clock and Izzy's face as he waited.

"And that first time when I had to help him, I guess I didn't help things at all. I stood there holding my breath against the smell when one of the wounds was infected, when I had to help clean it out. You would think doing _my_ job, it wouldn't make any difference. But it _did_. Because it was _him_."

"He has healed very well," Magnus assured her. "His skin appears raw in places and sometimes is extra sensitive, but he is doing well. He is sleeping better, eating well; he is doing all that he is able to, Izzy."

Magnus watched Izzy, recognizing the awkward posture of her shoulders and holding back a smile, bracing for Izzy's next question.

"So when you... when you and Alec, uh... you know..." Izzy said, her cheeks flaming red enough to match her lipstick. Magnus knew what a corruptible influence Alec was on him in that moment purely for the joy he felt at seeing Izzy's rare blush.

"Are you asking if we _can_ , Izzy? Or if we _have_?"

"No. God no, I'm not asking that," Izzy said, looking horrified.

"Then, your question," Magnus prompted, trying to keep his face neutral, though the wicked grin he was fighting against made its way out. Izzy looked back at him cautiously and took several attempts to organize her words, then cleared her throat.

"He's okay? I mean, he's not pushing himself, or—"

"Izzy," Magnus interrupted, taking pity on her though still grinning wickedly, "I assure you. We are careful. We haven't caused him any further injury, and have done all we cannot to further irritate his wounds. We are careful," he repeated, adamant that he get that point across.

Izzy gave an awkward swallow and smiled weakly in thanks. "It's none of my business, and I seriously don't need any details. I just want him to be okay."

"Of course."

"The fact is," Izzy said, shifting in her seat, "there were a few times when he's... when it's been too much for him. His injuries, I mean. When I got the impression he'd... he'd never let anyone even see him again like—like _that_."

Alec stood naked under the stream of the shower allowing Magnus to kiss over each one of his scars was not an image Magnus was about to share with Izzy, but it did put a smile on his face and confidence in his answer. "Isabelle. Without _details_ , all I can tell you, is that Alec is okay. I promise you."

Izzy gave another weak smile in thanks, and for a few moments they sat together in companionable silence, with Magnus jumping down from his stool at one point to thank a customer as they left and clearing their table before returning to sit next to Izzy.

"You know, Magnus," Izzy said, and this time Magnus couldn't place the tone in her voice. Whatever she was about to say Magnus could see she was struggling with, so did nothing to prompt, quietly draining the last of his tea as he waited. "There were a few times when—I mean, not lately. Not lately at all, in fact. But there have been some times when—when he's really concerned me."

Magnus' stomach rolled, guessing already what Izzy might be suggesting but waving his hand asking for her to continue anyway.

"Seeing Alec actually thrashing around and calling out helpless like he does with those nightmares. Before all this happened, Alec's never once shown any kind of... _need_ in his life. He's always hidden it from me, you know? From all of us. Alec is really close to Jace, but even he can't get him to open up about a lot of things. Alec's always kept things to himself."

"I would imagine Alec would defend himself by saying he was simply looking out for his family."

"And he'd kill the both of us for discussing him like this," Izzy added, turning a weary gaze to Magnus. Magnus nodded back with a look that said Alec would never need to know about their conversation unless he asked.

"And especially in the beginning, after the fire. There were times when... when I wasn't sure Alec wouldn't try and... when the look on his face had me scared I might wake up and find—"

"Izzy—"

"I mean I don't think he _would_. But the look in his eyes sometimes, it was like... it was like he'd given up."

The dejectedness in Izzy's voice had Magnus wrapping an arm around her shoulders, hugging her to him in reassurance. Even if his heart ached at the possibilities she could be meaning.

"I can't speak for Alec's behavior before he and I knew each other, Izzy. But I can assure you that currently, although Alec does still have some issues with sleeping and recurring nightmares. and although he is at times still in pain when his skin flares up—and that he has more... _dark_ days than any of us would like—he is doing okay. If I had any concerns about any of that, then I would talk to him about it. I promise you, Izzy."

"You know, Magnus," Izzy told him with a warm smile and another nudge into his side. "You might be the best thing that's ever happened to Alec in his whole life. You make him happy like I've never seen my brother happy before."

"Alec is strong, and he is doing all he can to get better. I am honored that he would allow me to be by his side as he does that."

Magnus hopped down from his stool again then to serve a customer that settled themselves in the corner of the cafe, one of Magnus' regulars so he didn't even have to ask for her order. He watched Izzy out of the corner of his eye the entire time, saw her shredding a napkin in anxious twirls of it between her fingers.

"Have you been to one of these appointments with him, Izzy?" Magnus asked once he was free again, this time staying his side of the counter and tidying it up. Alec had told him how the doctor had him bending and stretching so they could see how his skin was healing, see how his mobility was returning, even replicating some of the positions the doctor had got him into with exaggeration that had them both howling with laughter.

Alec had said the hardest part of it was actually the talking, the way the doctor seemed to think, as Izzy thought, that talking about what had happened was the best way to help him get over it.

"No. I offered. I'm sure you have as well, but—"

"But he prefers to go alone," Magnus agreed, leaving Izzy again to rinse off the few plates he'd let accumulate in the sink before returning to sit beside her.

"He does. I don't know why I didn't just go to work as normal, let him send me a message when he was done instead of sitting here worrying about it; not like he's not had a dozen of them before."

"It is just a regular check-up, correct?" Magnus asked, a sudden rush of worry himself for thinking Alec was keeping some kind of medical emergency from him.

"It is," Izzy agreed, sighing. "I'm just... I don't know. I guess lately, I've felt like I needed to look out for him in a way I've never really had to before. I need to know he's okay."

The doorbell chimed then, making Magnus' face split into a relieved smile to see Alec walking in.

"Hey," Alec said, crossing the cafe in three easy strides and stepping right up to Magnus, slotting himself between his knees and wrapping his arms around him in a warm hug.

"Hello," Magnus replied once Alec had straightened himself up, the paper bag of his medication crinkling and now sitting in his lap as Alec gave Izzy a hug of her own.

"How did it go?" Izzy asked, nudging him back, plucking the bag from Magnus' lap and peering in to look at its contents.

"The usual," Alec replied, leaning to give Magnus a quick kiss. "The doctor says I'm healing great. I have to keep applying that stuff, keep doing the exercises they gave me. He wants me to try meditation for the... you know. Panic attacks. Iz; he suggested that I _meditate_. _Me_."

Magnus threaded his fingers through Alec's and squeezed them for his words. He was more likely to see Alec stand up and recite poetry than he was to see him meditate, Magnus was sure, and then lost a few seconds imagining Alec reading some of his favorites, having to clear his throat to bring himself back to the present.

"Are you hungry?" Magnus asked, already standing and leaning in for a kiss of his own. Alec smiled against him and nodded, leaving Izzy to ask her own questions as Magnus knew she needed to, looking over them both fondly as he prepared them all something to eat.

* * *

Carefully cradling his new kitten charges to his chest, Magnus leaned back against his front door to close it, smiling when they didn't even stir. In the weeks since their birth he had visited them so frequently that it appeared they were unfazed by his touch. Magnus had delayed picking them up a little longer than twelve weeks so he could care for all the kittens together while Tabitha was once again away for work. But now that he had them home, Magnus was fueled with nervous excitement, taking them from room to room and murmuring things at them that they probably didn't even hear, much less understand.

"These are your beds here," he said anyway when back in the living room, his heart soaring as Church yawned and stretched himself awake, kicking Chairman Meow awake in the process. Chairman Meow's only protest was to stretch and lap over Church's ear, already closing his eyes.

"And, when you are bigger, perhaps you will play out here," he added, stepping on to the balcony and holding them a little closer, fearful that they might suddenly startle and leap from his arms. Both kittens blinked back at him sleepily, turning their heads to look but otherwise unconcerned. He gently shook them awake so he could show them where their litter trays were, hoping they wouldn't take too much training to become used to them.

"This cupboard is yours," Magnus continued as he carried them to the kitchen, opening a low cupboard door with the toe of his shoe. It was already full to bursting with food, treats, and all other kinds of things he'd just _had_ to buy when shopping for them. He'd spent hours worrying over the best food to buy for them along with everything else, with Alec dutifully accompanying him to three different pet stores in the area as he looked. And there were kitten manuals, over the counter medicines, and two thick folders ready for their visits to the vets. There was no way he could be more prepared.

"And this," Magnus added, altering his grip so he could keep the kittens pressed to his chest with one hand as he slid out a package from the cupboard and closed the door again, "this is a gift for you, from Alec."

Alec had given him the parcel in Leaves just that morning, insisting Magnus have the evening to himself so he could enjoy his first night with Church and Chairman Meow alone. Though he would be here tomorrow; Magnus was already grinning in affection for the thought of Alec doting on the kittens. He'd already been to visit them with him numerous times.

Magnus carefully slid Church and Chairman Meow on to the couch and sat beside them, ripping open the paper of their gift. Of course the kittens were fascinated by the crinkling paper, their tiny paws lashing out to grab at it as Magnus peeled it back. There were two soft blankets, one brown, one orange, several packs of treats they had seen that were supposed to be good for teething, and two bright orange fish toys. Chairman Meow's head turned comically away from chewing on the wrapping paper to look at them, his paw shooting out in claim. Church was far more reserved with his toy, sniffing at it in doubt as Magnus dropped it down in front of him. Though both kittens were soon both curled up and asleep once more, giving Magnus the perfect opportunity to send Alec a picture as a thank you.

 _Can't wait to see them tomorrow_ , Alec wrote back immediately along with a long line of emoji hearts. The messages quickly following from Izzy, Clary, and Simon told Magnus that Alec was already sharing the picture. He laughed for Maia's message soon after, taking more pictures to send to Ragnor and Catarina.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warnings***
> 
> Izzy and Magnus are talking about Alec's mental health; depression and anxiety are mentioned, as well as Izzy's fears in the past that Alec might hurt himself. Which he hasn't tried to do, she's just had moments where she's feared he might.
> 
> Also, there are further mentions of Alec's wounds.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warnings*** Alec goes through a situation in this chapter that is a little hard on him. He's fine, he actually comes out of it better, but if you want to know in advance what that situation is before reading, skip to the end notes to check first.

**Alec**

_I will be back soon x_

Alec checked his phone for a fourth time rereading Magnus' last message, then dropped it beside him on the bed and sighed, adamant he would ignore the time he'd just seen. Magnus had been gone for three days, was due back in another two, and already Alec felt the impact of not having him around. He found himself going to check on Chairman Meow and Church several times a day, just to have the excuse to be in Magnus' apartment. And once or twice he'd popped into Leaves just to soak up its atmosphere, even if it wasn't the same without him. It was the closest he could be to Magnus while he was away.

Aside from the immediate worsening of his insomnia and the disappearance of his appetite came the realization for Alec, of just how much Magnus had come to mean to him in such a short space of time. Missing Magnus seemed to have taken over every other activity in his mind leaving him sullen and sulking in his room like a moody teenager according to Izzy, and like a prince without his knight, according to Maia. Alec didn't ask either of them, he grumbled pointlessly under his breath as their words repeated over and over in his head along with all the other usual noise in there. They'd both just _told_ him, whether he was a willing listener or not.

With another sigh up into the dark Alec snatched up his phone again and began thumbing through previous messages, lingering on the few photos he'd managed to sneak of Magnus before he started protesting. Alec barely stopped himself from Facebook stalking him, but it was a touch and go thing. With idle fingers tracing one of the whorls of scars on his chest as he scrolled through, Alec's mind replayed memories of Magnus pressing kisses there. It felt like _weeks_ since he'd felt Magnus' lips on his skin instead of mere days. Alec's heart sank further when he worked out how many hours it would be until he saw him again. _Too_ many.

Magnus was with Ragnor visiting a college friend, in a yearly pilgrimage—or coven meeting the way Catarina described it—to New York. The trip had been extended by a couple of days when Ragnor found details of a writer's workshop that apparently he would endure by Magnus' side to keep him company. Magnus' enthusiasm for the workshop waxed and waned until Ragnor announced one of the speakers was a former guest lecturer from their own studies; a lecturer on whom he'd had a terrible crush on in their second year. Magnus had blushed like the sun for the teasing reminder, very quickly booking the workshop tickets soon after.

Even now Alec felt the falseness of his own smile of encouragement, and his anger at himself for the possessive jealousness that had surged through him at the time. The lecturer's name was firmly imprinted on Alec's memory even though he didn't want to think about it. Rapid fingers overrode his rationality, as that _jealousy_ whispered at Alec to seek him out.

A few clicks and a LinkedIn page later, and Alec was scowling at the photograph of a man looking far smarter and superior than he could ever hope to be. He read a profile that told him this _lecturer_ had so much more to offer Magnus than Alec did himself—despite the Facebook profile Alec then just happened to find himself on revealing the man was happily married with two college-aged children.

Even his Tweets were these intelligent, clever things that Alec himself would never be able to cobble together. Alec cursed his inadequacy, clicking out of everything then dropping the phone back on the bed.

A little time passed with Alec mentally kicking himself for allowing such uncertainty to win out when he and Magnus were so good together. Then the phone was back in his hands, and pretending to himself that he wasn't really doing it Alec was on Facebook again; scrolling through the Leaves page since Magnus refused to have a Facebook account of his own. He watched a few videos of Magnus reading during his book club night with his lip caught between his teeth and his chest swelling with pride, smiling at the pictures Magnus was dragged into and clearly didn't want to be a part of. When he'd looked his fill, Alec then clicked the link to Magnus' Twitter profile and scrolled his way through that as well.

Magnus' Tweets were hilarious. Dry, witty and informed, it was like another facet of Magnus' personality was being revealed to Alec as he laid there in the dark reading through every word he could find. Why hadn't he found his Twitter sooner? Only Magnus could wax lyrical about tea one moment then make a passionate appeal for keeping open a center for LGBT youth in their neighborhood the next, and then shout down a bigot with such eloquence by somehow combining detailed knowledge about the two things.

Further back in Magnus' Tweets Alec found himself laughing at a lengthy exchange between him and Catarina. Out of curiosity, he started scrolling through her Twitter account as well, finally making his way to her Facebook. This is where he should have come first, Alec decided, grinning and getting comfortable as he looked through photo upon photo of her with Magnus.

There was a really good one of them together with both of them grinning drunkenly at the camera; Alec wondered who the person taking the picture might have been but then was distracted by Magnus' comment via the Leaves page beneath it. _Just because you didn't 'tag' me does not mean I would not assume you would not post this. Take it down_ which clearly, Catarina had blatantly ignored.

Alec then clicked through all of Ragnor's albums chronologically, snorting at the one marked College and loving all of the pictures of a young Magnus smiling back at him. Clearly the man had never taken a bad picture. Alec saved the one labeled For Target Practice until last, and was rewarded with several photos coupled with scathing comments, clearly exes of Ragnor's or other people who had generally wronged him in some way.

Alec's heart gave a violent thud at one of the pictures, making him sit up against his headboard a little too quick, leaving him hissing out into the dark at the stinging drag along his back. Magnus, smiling though adamantly not looking at the camera, leaned in the curved arm of a man beaming with self-confidence who was raising a glass in toast.

The comment written by Ragnor to accompany it was vicious, vitriolic anger spat at the man for hurting his best friend. Magnus had told Alec enough of Woolsey to allow him to paint a picture for himself, but seeing the man smiling at him from his phone screen had Alec's stomach churning.

Swallowing his rising bile down Alec clicked on Woolsey's Facebook to find what looked like a very active profile, revealing him to be a pretty successful artist. Alec couldn't stop himself searching through his photos, scrolling further and further back seeking out images to torture himself with. Sure enough, almost the very first photo posted was of Magnus, and Woolsey's comments had Alec sneering possessively.

By five in the morning, Alec had worked his phone battery down to ten percent, and his blood pressure probably ready to explode out of his veins. He'd scrolled through looking for any kind of interaction between Magnus and Woolsey over the years. But aside from Woolsey liking the Leaves page and posting a _Good luck, darling_ when the cafe had first opened, there was nothing. Then Alec had gone back to Ragnor's profile and checked through for any other mention of Magnus at all.

When his phone finally rang out in complaint at the lack of charge left Alec rolled over stiffly to plug it in then fired off a quick message to Magnus apologizing for cyber-stalking him. Dejected by _everything_ , Alec threw his head back against his pillow, finally falling into a fitful sleep.

Alec woke just a couple of hours later, still grumbling under his breath and glad both Clary and Izzy had already left for work so they wouldn't have to put up with his sour mood. He forced himself out of bed and through a shower, prodding and poking at himself and glaring in the mirror afterward as he applied what felt like his millionth layer of cream, then stood sighing impatiently as he waited for it to dry.

He preferred doing this at Magnus', mostly for the presence of Magnus himself but also because the mirrors didn't make him feel like he was under a spotlight. Here at Izzy's he could see himself from every angle. Every melted patch of skin seemed brighter, looked more hideous under the harshness of the bathroom light.

Alec found himself looking for even more flaws, prodding at his stomach and the lines around his eyes, looking down at the way his pubic hair seemed to be this unruly mess where Magnus was always so neat and tidy without even trying. Magnus, Alec sighed to himself, was gorgeous, every last inch of him. Tai chi kept him strong and supple. Repeated lifting of those industrial-sized bags of flour he kept in the Leaves kitchen along with sometimes going to the tea farms he purchased his ingredients from and helping to harvest them himself kept Magnus solid, and thick-armed, muscular, and just unfairly beautiful.

Not that Alec was complaining about any of that, he thought with a rueful smile, watching in the mirror as clearly _some_ parts of him were enjoying the images he was going over. No, it was more, as always happened in moments like this, that Alec was comparing himself, and finding himself lacking.

Back in his bedroom Alec dressed in a hurry, thankful that Maia was hosting a games night so he'd at least be occupied for much of the evening. He had a few errands to run for Izzy, and was going to get them something cooked so they could just heat it through when she and Clary got home from work. In theory all of these activities could keep his mind from straying into darker places for much of the afternoon as well.

Snatching his phone from his nightstand Alec smiled to see a message waiting from Magnus, though held his breath for wondering what Magnus might make of his confession of stalking him online.

 _I am yours to look for wherever you wish, Alec. Though if you would like to look for me in my_ _apartment at around six pm on Friday then that would be most welcome ;) x_

Alec smiled in relief, firing off a quick reply then forcing himself from the house to begin his day.

* * *

 _Star Wars marathon_ , Alec repeated to himself for what had to be the hundredth time, his hands clammy and clinging to the steering wheel of Izzy's car as he glanced through the windshield up at the fire station once again, his stomach griping and rolling leaving him feeling sick. This would be perhaps his seventh attempt at going in to the station. Alec had forced himself there at the crack of dawn after spending yet another sleepless night taunting himself over his inability to do so; a not-so-refreshing break from desperately missing Magnus.

 _Magnus is home tomorrow_ , Alec told himself. This was the other mantra he'd repeated almost constantly over the two hours he'd been sat outside the fire station, staring it down as though it might be some kind of dragon ready to swallow him up. Alec grumbled for his imagery, rolling his eyes at the dragon analogy he'd given himself and blaming it entirely on Maia and the games they'd played the night before.

Tonight he would be at Maia's again for that Star Wars marathon, with Simon, Andrew, and Raphael, hopefully with stacks of pizza and a ton of beer. Although if Raphael happened to bring some of those tamales he'd brought to the potluck at Maia's last week Alec wouldn't be complaining. Alec unconsciously smacked his lips at the memory of their taste then smiled for the thought of another new friend made through Maia. Even if _friend_ was pushing it for how Alec felt about Raphael, and most of his enjoyment in his company revolved around watching him and Simon pretending they weren't interested in one another at all. Which was a hilarious, blatant lie.

Maia, organizer of almost Alec's entire social life, had even offered her couch for the night. When Alec had forlornly told her the previous week how much he was dreading Magnus being away for a few days, Maia had planned both the games night and this Star Wars marathon to help keep him occupied.

Izzy's attempts to keep him busy had been the more lively and much less _him_. The first night after Magnus had left for his workshop, Izzy had literally dragged him to a bar. Clary picked them up hours later having to ask for Alec's help getting a drunkenly affectionate Izzy to bed, grinning and rolling her eyes at Alec the entire time. Izzy's subsequent hangover the following morning had almost been enough to make her call in sick. Alec had been up early anyway and drove her to a diner not far from Leaves to line her stomach with grease. It gave Alec the excuse to cast furtive glances as they passed the cafe hoping that Dot was coping okay with Magnus not being there.

Still sat outside the firehouse, Alec continued rereading his messages, smirking at some of the promises Magnus had made him during their phone call the previous night. Surrounded by gamers and straining to hear over the noise of a heated argument about whether a shaman or a wizard was ultimately more powerful, Alec had listened to all the things Magnus wanted to do to him the moment he got home.

Alec let his head fall back against the headrest with a sigh, working out just how many hours were left until he would see Magnus again. For all of the irrational fears that had latched on to him a couple of nights back, Alec knew Magnus was his constant. How easily the two of them had just slotted together had at times put Alec on edge and bracing for things to go wrong. But one smile from Magnus, one slide of his fingers across Alec's palm to hold his hand and he was calm again. Just like he was doing in that moment, despite being miles and miles away at that workshop and not due back until the next day.

Feeling tethered and more settled, Alec forced himself out of the car and propelled himself forward. He kept his head bent so he wouldn't have to look, walking straight into the fire station before he could turn himself around and run out again. He knew Andrew wasn't working until later which was why he was trying to force himself to walk in now. He couldn't face the look of pity in Andrew's eyes if he got worked up.

The second he was inside, Alec's heart began hammering in protest, as familiar smells and sounds came at him from all sides. When he glanced up Alec took in a station that looked like a smaller version of his old one back where home used to be. The ceiling seemed impossibly high, and spiraling. Alec's knees beginning to tremble, leaving him bunching his fists tightly by his sides to keep upright, cursing at himself to get a grip.

Alec thought then of Jace, of how they'd worked together back in New York, and felt like a failure. He missed Jace so painfully then alongside Magnus that everything felt impossible to handle. Alec turned on his heel a little too sharply and had to hold his hands out to steady himself when everything spun, bending his head down again and trying to stumble back to the exit.

"You looking for someone?"

A loud, stern voice called out to Alec, freezing him on the spot.

"Uh..."

"You can't just wander in off the street, man. What do you want?"

Alec heard the voice getting closer, but no matter what he tried to do he couldn't bring himself to turn around or lift his head. His breath began to rasp from him, and his chest felt so heavy that Alec had to slouch further forward under its weight for how much it hurt. Vaguely off to his left Alec heard footsteps, then saw the outline of a person coming to a stop before him. Clenching his teeth and cursing for how _stupid_ he felt, Alec made himself lift his head and square his shoulders, wishing that they wouldn't shake.

"I'll ask again," the man said, sounding completely out of patience. "What—" but immediately he stopped talking and took a step closer to him. Alec swallowed hard, fighting for breath, desperate to be anywhere else, yet was still unable to move. "It's okay."

At the softening of the man's voice Alec dragged his eyes up the final couple of inches he needed to be met by kind eyes smiling back at him. There was a dance of understanding behind them that Alec fought not to see as pity.

"My office is just over there."

Alec followed the nod of the man's head and managed to nod back himself, trailing slowly behind. When directed to, Alec slumped into the chair in front of the desk, grateful to be sat. A cup of water appeared in front of him moments later. Alec sipped at it greedily before he was able to look across the desk to where the man now sat, obviously waiting for him to look up.

"Luke Garroway. I'm the station chief. And you are?"

"Alec. Uh... Alec Lightwood." Alec cursed himself for his nervous, breaking voice but saw no disapproval or anger in Luke's softening expression.

"Alec. We've been exchanging emails." The second he said it, Alec remembered seeing Luke's name before.

"We have. I've been trying to get myself down here, but..."

"It's okay. I understand," Luke said, a wave of his hand dismissing anything Alec might be about to say. When Alec found himself so crushed with embarrassment that he couldn't say a single word, Luke's mouth set into another kind smile. He tactfully changed the subject until Alec felt himself sitting up straighter, that painful clutch in his chest fading away.

"I got a glowing recommendation a while ago from your old station chief, who couldn't say enough good things about you," Luke told him then as though assessing the waters to turn their conversation back around. "Told me you'd been through quite an ordeal back—"

"Yeah," Alec agreed, swallowing hard and cutting Luke off, not ready to hear anyone's praises of him, or a reminder of _that_. "Yeah. We worked together for a long time."

"Well. Sounds like we'd have ourselves an asset if you decided to come back to the service."

" _When_ ," Alec amended, shaking his head adamantly. " _When_ I come back."

Luke gave him a tight, clipped smile. "Alec. I'm not gonna lie to you. On paper, you could walk in here tomorrow and get yourself on one of our trucks, meet the crew, fit right in. But from what I'm seeing right in front of me? You're in no fit state to be even considering returning to work any time soon. You just had a panic attack stood out there in the middle of my station. You think I'd be comfortable letting you out on a job so long before you're ready?"

A wall of shame hit Alec, self-loathing comments screaming at him from all sides until he wanted to curl up into a ball right there in that office and rock.

"The fact is, right now you'd be a liability in your present state," Luke added, keeping his voice as gentle as he could. "If you froze up like you just did in the middle of a fire somewhere, I don't even wanna think about the consequences. I can't make that sound any better than it does, and I'm sorry to drop that on you like this when it's clearly taken so much out of you to get yourself down here. But it's nothing but the truth."

Alec allowed Luke's words to sink in and felt the volume dropping on the voices belittling him. That drop of pressure allowed him to raise his head enough to look back at Luke with a cautious nod of agreement.

"Clearly you're making progress," Luke continued, looking him over. "You look in good enough physical shape to be here, though you'd probably go through several medicals to confirm that. And you've finally made it in here after eight attempts at trying—"

"Seven," Alec corrected, shaking his head.

"Eight," Luke repeated, typing on a tablet then turning it to show Alec a log he'd been keeping, adding his latest visit with that day's date. "Couple more times, preferably when you're really ready to be here, we can talk about a phased return. But it comes with a lot of ifs, and is gonna take time, Alec; and a lot of work from you."

"What kind of _ifs_?" Alec asked, already anticipating what he was going to say.

"Well," Luke said, pressing back in his chair and sighing, "first is those medicals. There's the general fitness one all our people take, then there'd be a more in-depth one with you. I don't know what the recovery time is on burns like yours because I've never had a firefighter return after being caught in a fire like you were, so I don't know what I'm working with here. And we'd have to make sure your skin would be okay inside our equipment; you know the kinds of temperatures those things get to even without being in an actual fire."

Alec thought of the way his skin felt like it was blistering in certain fabrics or even wearing clothes washed with some kinds of laundry detergent, and felt his heart sinking all over again.

"And then there'd be the psych assessments. We'd insist on counseling; can't go through a trauma like you've been through and not have all the people on our board demanding every sign off possible that you're actually fit for work. Bureaucracy bull's gonna make us jump through all kinda hoops, tick all the boxes. It's going to take time. There's no easy way back for this."

Confirmation of what Alec had been telling himself was a likelihood filled him with an unexpected sense of calm, not the panic he'd been anticipating. He found himself nodding back at Luke and sitting more comfortably, accepting his words, the fear that had gripped him dissipating along with all of the angry words he'd been hurling at himself.

Luke's surprise was evident, looking as though he was preparing for an argument.

"Yeah, I don't like the idea of someone poking around in my head like that, or any kind of tests at all," Alec said, shrugging his shoulders. "If I have to do it for the job, then I'll do it. But I'll do it kicking and screaming."

"I wouldn't expect anything less," Luke said, laughing, his expression shifting to something more comfortable, more trusting, which in turn helped Alec relax further still.

"I'm not ready to come back," Alec announced after a couple of minutes of silence between them, a blast of laughter escaping him for being so truthful with himself. "I don't know what I expected coming back in here, but... now I'm here. I know I'm not ready for it. I really would be a liability."

"You would," Luke agreed, open and honest and with no sense of unkindness, "both to yourself and those you worked with. Now, if you wanted to start coming back here to get used to the place, come read through all of our amazing health and safety literature and familiarize yourself with a new set of state bureaucracy, you're more than welcome, any time."

"Tempting as that is, I think I'll pass."

"I should also forewarn you," Luke said, leaning his elbows on the desk and over as though in confidence, "our coffee is shit. I bring a Thermos in from home and head out on my lunch when I can."

Alec let out another snort of laughter and shook his head. "You're really doing your best to sell it to me, huh?"

Luke held his hands up. "Gotta be straight up about the important stuff."

"Well. I appreciate your honesty." Alec decided that he already liked _Luke Garroway_ , even if he could never be a replacement for his own chief.

"So, what've you been doing with yourself? You've been coming here a while now," Luke said, glancing back at his tablet as though checking the dates. "You live nearby?"

"My sister's place, actually. Not too far from here. I'm currently the loser brother in my sister and her wife's spare room. Cooking all their meals, because they'd sooner just burn the kitchen down than cook an actual meal in there."

"Then you're more an asset than a loser, wouldn't you say?" Luke replied, grinning back at him. "Saving us a job, anyway."

"I guess," Alec agreed, though wouldn't take any praise further than that. "Other than that, at the moment I'm cat sitting. My boyfriend is away for a thing in New York."

"So, all the catnip-filled toys you can get your hands on before he comes back?" Luke asked, laughing.

"I don't know if I should," Alec said, laughing for the thought of it. "They're really young. We've only had them for a month. _He's_ had them."

"Oh. Maybe not yet then."

"And I guess I've been... getting better with all this," Alec added, jolting his arms as though that was enough to explain the mess that was his skin.

"Well. That's pretty much a full-time job in itself," Luke replied, giving an encouraging smile.

"It can be. It's more... it's more the boredom, you know? Back h—back where I was living, I was always... I was always working. That, and when my dad got sick, I had to take care of him as well. I never really had free time; not much of it, anyway. Now I have it in abundance, and I'm learning what to do with it. Which is harder than it should be."

Luke nodded in understanding. "What's your free time look like?"

"I draw. Read. Watch some stuff. Made some new friends. Spend whatever time I can with my boyfriend," Alec added, smiling just for the thought of Magnus.

"Sounds pretty hectic to me."

"Yeah," Alec agreed, still smiling, "it's the good kinda hectic though."

They spoke for another ten minutes or so before Alec decided it was time to leave and dragged himself out of his chair. They exchanged numbers, and when Alec left the station to return to the car he felt lighter for their conversation. He was no closer to getting himself back to work, but at least he was no longer deluding himself that he should be ready by now.

* * *

"Both Catarina and Ragnor tell me I should be angry with you for _Facebook stalking_ me. Catarina, in particular, says that I should express her disapproval of you using her profile to do so with some kind of physical violence."

At exactly six on Friday evening, Alec had raised his knuckles to knock on Magnus' apartment door, only for it to be swung open and the man himself drag him in. Magnus pinned him against the back of it with the full weight of his chest to close it behind them, already claiming his mouth.

"She did, huh," Alec managed to get out, his overnight bag prised from his fingers and dropped to the floor as Magnus writhed insistently against him then leaned in to start nuzzling and nipping at his neck.

"Yes."

Without breaking eye contact Magnus hooked his finger in the buttons of Alec's henley, then yanked it down enough to be able to mouth over the skin just beneath his collarbone. He brushed his lips over it before biting down and sucking a bruise into him, the henley pinging back up as he let go. The sharp suddenness of the bite went straight to Alec's cock and had him needing to grip tightly to Magnus' waist to keep himself upright.

"I'll assume this is adequately violent," Magnus said, pulling at his henley again and lapping over the bruise.

"I'm not sure Catarina meant she wanted you to give me a hickey, but I'll take it," Alec managed to blast out before Magnus claimed his mouth again in a bruising, filthy kiss as he worked his fingers between them to unbutton Alec's jeans.

"What a pity," Magnus growled against him, nipping at Alec's lower lip before tangling their hands together, stooping to pick up Alec's bag then dragging him to the bedroom. Once there Magnus had Alec out of his clothes in seconds and on his back, standing at the foot of the bed as he undressed slowly with his eyes on Alec the entire time. "Before I get too distracted. Ragnor also told me to pass on the message that you are to call him. Be worried; I have no idea what it is about."

"Oh. I'm worried," Alec blurted out, though already far too aroused to really mean it.

"Good," Magnus replied already sounding bored of the subject of Ragnor, giving himself a languid stroke that Alec watched without being able to tear his eyes away.

"You know, Magnus. There are other ways to—"

A soft though indignant meow interrupted him; Alec lifted his lead to see Church stomping his way into the bedroom.

"Hey, Church!" Alec called out, laughing when Chairman Meow scampered up behind him, wiggling and ready to attack.

"Hold that thought," Magnus said, squeezing Alec's ankle, swiftly crossing the room to scoop up the cats. "We talked about this, didn't we, hmm?"

Chairman Meow's protest was the louder of the two, both of them deposited outside the bedroom door. Alec was sure he heard tiny paws thudding against it, though his attention was only for Magnus.

"Now," Magnus said, once again squeeing Alec's ankle, "where was I?"

Magnus crawled between his legs and immediately curled over to suck his cock into his mouth. Alec arched up and cried out at the sudden warmth engulfing him, protesting when Magnus pulled off to press him into the bed with firm hands against his splayed thighs. When Magnus looked up his expression morphed into something wicked, forcing a whimper from Alec as he bent again to mouth and lick his way up Alec's length, then sucked him in hard into his mouth once more. Though whatever else he intended doing to him was instead replaced by a look of softness, as Magnus crawled his way back up the bed and deposited his face in Alec's neck.

"I missed you, Alexander," he whispered, tucking in around him.

Alec's heart still raced for Magnus' _greeting_. He ran his hands over his back appreciating having his skin beneath his palms once again before he wrapped Magnus up in a contented hug. He toyed with the idea that just being with Magnus made him feel whole, pressing his nose into Magnus' hair and inhaling deep. "I missed you too."

A relieved sigh blasted against his neck, with Magnus then moving lower to kiss an apology into the broken skin beneath his collarbone.

"You can claim me, any way you want, Magnus," Alec said, playing with his hair.

Magnus' smile for him was so filled with affection that Alec's breath caught in his throat for seeing it. Then Magnus moved again, bracketing Alec's face between his forearms, indulging in a long, languid kiss. Though his earlier mood hadn't gone anywhere, had only been put on hold, apparently, for the way he then grinned at him. He tapped at Alec's hip and nudged so that he knew to roll on to his knees. Magnus playfully bit his ass cheek as he did leaving Alec snorting his laughter into his pillow. And when Alec looked back at him over his shoulder, it was to receive a wink.

"Alexander. You will remember this every time you sit down for the next few days."

Alec dropped to his forearms, wiggling his ass. "You promise?"

"Oh. I promise," Magnus replied, nudging Alec's knees further apart with his own then settling between them.

Alec closed his eyes for the hands run over his back and sides, feeling Magnus shift behind him, then jolting for the sudden way Magnus parted his cheeks. He gasped out in surprise for the warm, wide lick over him, flinging his hips back for more.

"Magnus. I've never—"

That warm, wide lick interspersed between a sharp dart of tongue and a swirling over his hole. Alec _ached_ for the pleasure it sent spiraling through him, rocking his hips back and forth asking for Magnus to keep going. Magnus only held him open, blowing over his hole in tease before lapping over him again. Alec groaned for the spit-slicked finger pressed into him writhing back on it, wanting Magnus in him _now_. Magnus had other plans, apparently, opening him up just enough so he could slip the very tip of his tongue inside.

"What do you want, Alec?" Magnus asked, his voice crackling with arousal as he held Alec open teasing his thumb in a circle over his hole.

" _You_."

"Oh? How do you want me?"

Alec groaned for the thumb dipping into him trying to chase more of it, whimpering when it was withdrawn. " _In_ me."

"Like this?"

Alec whimpered for the plunge of fingers into him seeking out his prostate, vaguely aware of the dip of the bed beside him and turning to catch Magnus' smile. "Anything. All of it. All of _you_."

"Well. I am yours to have," Magnus replied, still working his fingers into him as he leaned in for a kiss.

" _Need_ you," Alec urged, sure if he didn't have Magnus in him soon he'd be inconsolable. He smiled for Magnus' cluck of sympathy as he withdrew his fingers, closing his eyes as he listened to Magnus pull lube and condoms from the nightstand drawer. Alec bit his tongue against urging him to hurry though couldn't stop the flaring back of his hips in invitation. His stomach rippled as Magnus knelt back between his legs, teasing over his hole with his cock head.

"Like this?" Magnus asked, dipping in just enough to make Alec throb with the need to be filled.

" _Yes_ ," Alec insisted, shivering in anticipating for the light grip around his waist as Magnus adjusted behind him.

Alec cried out for being taken so quickly, arching back for the relief of finally being so full. Magnus growled out his name as he withdrew from Alec only to slam hard into him again. Alec gripped on to the pillows calling out in encouragement for Magnus to take his fill of him, sharp shoots of pleasured pain firing through him repeatedly making his cock leak on to the bed beneath. Magnus moved again to drape over him, teasing Alec with sharper, shallower thrusts, mouthing over his shoulder so Alec would know to turn his head for an awkward kiss.

"I need to see you," Magnus said then quickly pulling out of Alec and getting him over on his back. He was filling him again before Alec had even stopped moving, adjusting on his knees and lacing his fingers through Alec's against the bed.

"Better?" Alec asked, wrapping his legs high around his waist.

"Much," Magnus agreed, monitoring Alec's face with a smile in reward every time he called out as he continued to fuck him. They traded kisses when they could, their hands still intertwined, Magnus coming with a soundless groan just minutes later, closing his eyes in relief. He nuzzled against Alec's cheek dropping back into his neck and sighing as he hugged him, then sat back on his knees, wrapping his fingers around Alec's cock.

Alec groaned for the feel of Magnus' hand on him, arching for his touch and writhing against the bed. Magnus' soft words of encouragement Alec could barely make out as his orgasm hit, looking down at himself with a final whine as he came and watching as he spilled over Magnus' knuckles.

"Better?" Magnus teased, splaying his palm wide against Alec's thigh.

"Much."

"Did I mention that I missed you?"

"Maybe once?"

"Well. I did."

"I missed _you_ ," Alec said, running his fingers up Magnus' chest, beyond grateful to have him home.

"Then it is lucky that you are staying here for the next few days, hmm? You and I have some catching up to do."

There was nothing Alec could want more. He arched as Magnus gave a final lazy thrust into him before withdrawing, depositing on the bed face first by his side. He moved just enough to drag Alec closer to him, draping his leg over his hip and promising that they'd take five minutes, then get up and shower.

In the soft in between of awake and almost asleep, Alec relished in having Magnus close. With his guard down he let unchecked words fall from his mouth fearing neither rejection, nor _too soon_ repercussion. He felt Magnus smile against his shoulder in response and murmur the same thing back, the warmth of his words filling Alec with certainty and comfort. Alec's last thought before succumbing to sleep was of the day when they'd both feel confident enough to say those words out loud properly, sure he could hear curious kittens clambering at the bedroom door still waiting to be let in.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warnings***
> 
> Alec is going to have a pretty horrible panic attack. He's in good company and is over it pretty quick, but just a headsup.


	13. Chapter 13

**Magnus**

Alec. Fast asleep and curled into his pillow, yet gripping Magnus' hand tight to his stomach and mumbling unconscious approval for every kiss Magnus pressed into his neck. This was the image Magnus chose to carry himself through the morning, coupled with their lengthy kiss goodbye at his apartment door. All the joy he felt from being with Alec had been sucked from him for arriving downstairs to find Lorenzo waiting for him in one of his father's ridiculously overpriced cars.

Lorenzo's nonstop pompous commentary on the drive to his father's house Magnus tried to tune out with further thoughts of Alec. He kept Alec in his thoughts through his forced greeting with his father, and thought of him still as he sat down to an overly elaborate dinner that he had no appetite for. Magnus tuned out the shared arrogance of his father and Lorenzo for all of the discussion of their business achievements by carefully going over even more cherished memories of he and Alec together over the past few months.

Though that image of Alec in his bed that morning was the one to keep Magnus going, enabled him to make idle conversation and show only the mildest discomfort at the words spilling out of his father's mouth. Lorenzo's words were even worse, dripping with self-importance and also contempt for Magnus that he never bothered to try hiding; even in his father's company.

"How is Ragnor?" his father asked cutting Lorenzo off mid-sentence. Magnus' stomach dropped, knowing every conversation that ever started with an inquiry after Ragnor always took exactly the same route.

"Ragnor is well."

"Is he still working at that school?"

To anyone else who didn't know him, Magnus' father might be mistaken for a quiet, cautious man who was nothing but polite. But to Magnus' ears and behind closed doors with only him and Lorenzo to hear it, all Magnus heard was his condescending tone; the one reserved particularly for things he deemed beneath him, which was, in fact, a staggering amount of things. Ragnor was high on the list, with his father not approving of his manner, dress, the state school that he worked at, and his continual refusal to join in with belittling Magnus on the rare occasions that they met.

Asmodeus' inability to bend Ragnor's will to his was a constant irritation for him; though not nearly as much as it pained him that Catarina loathed him even more than he loathed her. Catarina was rarely mentioned by his father; Magnus knew it was because his father would never forgive the way she belittled and corrected _him_ when he tried to manipulate Magnus in front of her when they were only high school students. It was a guarantee that a snide comment about Ragnor would soon follow with one about Catarina.

"Ragnor is still an English teacher at the high school, yes. He will likely make department head within the year," Magnus added with pride for his friend, knowing how hard Ragnor worked and how he truly loved his job.

"What is the name of your other friend," Lorenzo said then, in deliberately goading tone to remind Magnus he had so few. "Catrina? Carolina?"

"Catarina."

"Ah, yes. The delightful doctor," Lorenzo said, his tone suggesting she was anything but _delightful_.

"We do not mention her here," Asmodeus said, fury trickling into his tone no matter how bored he tried to sound. "She seems far too caustic, too... acerbic, to be in a caring profession."

"She is passionate, caring, and extremely knowledgeable," Magnus retorted. "Catarina is a wonderful doctor."

"We will see," Asmodeus replied with his typical tone of veiled threat that never came to anything.

"That one will be a mad cat lady in just a couple of years; mark my words," Lorenzo added with a simpering smile. "And as for Ragnor—"

"My friends are better people than you could ever hope to be, Lorenzo. Don't embarrass yourself by speaking about them again."

"Oh, how _confident_ you are, today, Magnus," Asmodeus said with glee in his voice, making Magnus' stomach turn over in knots.

"It is probably because dear Magnus has got himself a _boyfriend_ ," Lorenzo replied, smiling sweetly across the table at Magnus in triumph.

Magnus resisted the urge to reach out and shove Lorenzo from his chair, reining in the sigh bubbling up out of him and waiting for the fallout. Though how Lorenzo even knew about Alec baffled him. Lorenzo was his father's assistant, his second-in-command; did that assistance stretch to keeping tabs on _him_? He'd often thought as much, and this comment only seemed to add proof.

"I have models the world over asking after you, Magnus," Asmodeus said, frowning for Lorenzo's announcement.

"Really, now."

"Yes. They would even be willing to overlook your… _dalliance_ , with such a small enterprise as that pathetic cafe of yours."

"It isn't a _dalliance_ —"

"I have great admiration for any profession that is worthy," Asmodeus continued, narrowing his eyes a touch at Magnus.

"I see. So what is the difference between—"

"Magnus," Asmodeus said, sighing. "Must we go over this again? You could work in any number of ways for me and leave that incredibly small life you lead behind you. I could show you wonderful things." 

"Wonderful things that were legal?" Magnus blurted out, demanding to his shoulders that they remain squared. He would _not_ cower in the presence of his father. He no longer had that power over him.

"You should be _grateful_ that you are still welcome at this table," Asmodeus seethed. "Your inability to commit to a worthwhile career brings shame on this family."

"Then perhaps I am beyond redemption, father," Magnus replied dryly, pushing away his plate now that his appetite had completely disappeared. "Perhaps you should give up on me entirely."

"You are running out of time to do what is _right_ ," Asmodeus blasted out then, fury written across his face making her expression wild.

"Really, Father. And what would _right_ be, in your eyes?"

"To stop this selfish act you insist on performing and join me in my work. Or at the very least find a more suitable match than you have thus far done for yourself. Do you not think it is past time that you settled down, Magnus, hmm?" 

"Oh, I don't know about that," Lorenzo said, a wicked gleam in his eye as he smiled at Magnus yet again. Magnus _hated_ that smile. "Magnus already looked to be fairly serious about this _boyfriend_. Why, I would be surprised if the man did not already have his own key."

"Why would Magnus be giving his apartment key to anyone?" Asmodeus demanded. He'd been to Magnus' apartment once and had been sizing it up as his own ever since.

"Not that it is any of your concern, no one has a key to my apartment other than the spare I leave with Catarina," Magnus replied, shaking his head. Although he had been toying with the idea of giving a key to Alec as well over the past couple of weeks, liking the idea of coming home to find him already there waiting for him. Preferably naked.

" _Catarina_ ," Asmodeus growled out not quite under his breath enough for Magnus not to hear it.

"Yes, Father, Catarina has a key to my apartment, as I have a key to hers."

Lorenzo _tittered,_ delicately dabbing his napkin at the corners of his mouth. "Well. I do hope she gives you fair warning and doesn't simply just walk in when you are… _entertaining_ your beau."

"Enough!" Asmodeus' shout was accompanied with him shoving his chair back in a harsh slide across the floor, and his fingers gripping tightly around the table edge. "I will not have talk of such things in—"

"Oh it's perfectly natural, Asmodeus," Lorenzo replied, still smiling at Magnus. "Perhaps Magnus here only realizes he could never adequately satisfy any as beautiful as the models we have on our books."

Magnus closed his eyes, gripping his cutlery hard so that the sting of it digging into his palms would distract him from replying with anything too harsh. "Lorenzo—"

"Perhaps Magnus is only interested in similarly small-minded—"

"Who is this _boyfriend_?" Asmodeus asked, his calm rage glaring down on Magnus making him feel like he was five years old all over again.

"His name is Alec."

"And what does _Alec_ do?"

"He is—was—a firefighter," Magnus said, his anger surging at what looked like the dismissive roll of his father's eyes, leading to a brief dip into his memories of Alec's resigned acceptance that he might not ever go back to it, and then his own subsequent comforting of Alec that was far too inappropriate to be thinking about in familial company. A happy distraction, however.

"A _firefighter_ ," Asmodeus repeated, his voice dripping with disdain that confirmed that dismissal.

"Yes. A firefighter. Up until he was injured—"

"He's not _working_?" Asmodeus asked in disbelief, deliberately picking up on anything he could criticize him for.

"No, he is recovering. It was a severe—"

"Oh, let me guess. He visits you at your apartment because he doesn't have a place of his own?"

"He lives with his sister whilst—"

"Of course he does," Asmodeus hissed, "yet he's well enough to corrupt—"

"He is not corrupting anybody," Magnus bit back, getting to his feet and tucking his chair under the table.

"Where do you think you are going?"

"Home. Thank you for a wonderful lunch as always, Father—"

"You have not been dismissed—"

"I am dismissing myself."

"You bring disgrace on this family—"

"Me?" Magnus said, whirling around from where he'd been storming out of the dining room. " _I_ have brought disgrace on this family? Do you think I am unaware of all those poor women _on your books_ that are there for entirely different reasons than _modeling_?"

"They are—"

"None of my concern," Magnus finished for him, trembling with both excitement and fear.

How many times had he dreamed up a conversation with his father where he would permanently leave, and never have to see him again? For years Magnus had fantasized about walking away, with only the fear of total loneliness keeping him from attempting to do so. Loneliness was something Magnus no longer feared. He had enough people around him; he had Catarina and Ragnor, and he had Alec, and all of the people he had met through him. He had Dot, and his customers, and all of the other friends he had yet to meet. He had _enough_.

"How long have you even known this man?" Asmodeus demanded, glaring at Magnus in utter disbelief when Magnus didn't return to the table.

"Long enough to know that he is a good man. A kind one. Someone who I know loves me as much as I love him. Now," Magnus said, turning to Lorenzo. "Lorenzo, I thank you for your lift earlier. I hope to never see you again either."

"If you dare walk out of this house now, Magnus, before I give you permission to—"

"Permission?" Magnus said, laughing as he turned back to his father. "Have I in some way regressed to the age of a teenager?"

"With your attitude, you might as well have."

"How would you know, Father? You were never particularly around when I was a teenager. You have no idea what I was like," Magnus said before sighing, finding his anger completely evaporated and replaced with resignation. And the need to be anywhere but there.

"You always did feel so _sorry_ for yourself, Magnus. You were always the _victim_. Such a weak, clingy child. And here you are," he added with a disdainful glance over him, "hiding that _deficiency_ behind clothing that makes you look like a boutique store mannequin."

Magnus turned away, refusing to listen to another word.

"If you walk out that door now, don't ever think you get to come back in. I will cut you off; you will have none of our money, no family to turn to. You will be entirely alone."

"Firstly; I don't need your _money_. Least of all for where it came from."

"How dare—"

"And secondly," Magnus said, whirling around for what he told himself was the final time, "I have been entirely alone in this _family_ ever since Mother died; the idea is not a new one."

With strength he didn't know he had, Magnus gave a nod to his father and walked out of his house for the last time, hearing Asmodeus' shouts fading behind him as he went.

* * *

"Magnus."

Magnus gave Izzy a cautious smile as she opened the door, taking in her surprise at seeing him but also the welcome, and sagged in relief. "Izzy. I apologize for arriving unannounced—"

Izzy cut him off by grabbing his arm and tugging Magnus inside, shoving the door firmly closed behind him. "You probably arrived just in time to rescue Alec from Clary."

"Rescue?"

"Yes," Izzy said, laughing as she nodded in the direction of the living room. "Alec is putting up some shelves for us. Clary is... _helping_."

Magnus listened to the voices of Alec and Clary grow louder as they approached and felt himself beginning to smile at the exasperation in Alec's as he clearly tried to keep his impatience in check.

"I think you arrived at exactly the right time," Izzy whispered, and as they rounded the corner, whatever Alec had just said to Clary had earned him a slap around the back of the head.

"You're very lucky you're already injured, Alec Lightwood, otherwise you'd be getting—"

"Hey, guys," Izzy called out to interrupt them, "look who's here."

"Hey."

The sheer joy in Alec's voice on seeing him released the last of the tension held tight in Magnus' chest. Alec was across the room in seconds after abandoning the screwdriver he was holding into Clary's hands, his arms up and over Magnus' shoulders and leaning in for an immediate kiss. Magnus sighed against him in relief, his hands wrapping around Alec's waist, the feel of Alec there beneath his fingers grounding Magnus in a way he already couldn't be without.

"I didn't miss any messages from you, did I?" Alec asked, pulling back to look carefully over his face. They'd spent most of the previous night curled into one another in bed with Magnus dreading seeing his father so much he couldn't sleep; Alec had soothed him, kissed him thoroughly and long, reminding Magnus he could leave the dinner at any time and he'd be waiting for him.

Under Alec's concerned gaze, Magnus' confession to his father about being in love with Alec came back to him, freezing his tongue and only allowing him to shake his head.

"Was it that bad?" Alec asked, screwing his face up in sympathy.

"Worse," Magnus agreed, already too tired of rehashing the conversation again after doing so in his head for the entire taxi drive over and now attempting to push it out of his mind. He'd tell Alec about it later when they were alone; he had already listened without interrupting or judgment as Magnus had told him about his father multiple times.

"I would have picked you up," Alec told him, soft and quiet and out of earshot of Izzy and Clary.

"I know. I wasn't really thinking," Magnus mumbled back, sighing hard. "I apologize, Alexander, I should have gone home."

"No, you should have called me," Alec argued, pulling him into a hug, one arm secure around his waist and the other to the back of his head, his fingertips pressing soothing circles there.

"Here."

Magnus looked up at Izzy's voice and the sudden coldness nudging against his arm, taking the offered bottle of beer and standing back just enough to take a grateful swig. Alec's hands slid to squeeze around Magnus' waist then one slipped into Magnus' and pulled him down next to him on the couch.

"Hey, Magnus," Clary said, sinking down on the opposite couch with the screwdriver still twirling between her fingers. "Family fun?"

"Is it that obvious?" Magnus asked, laughing at himself and shaking his head, taking another sip of his beer and feeling Alec's fingers squeeze between his own in reassurance.

"It's not hard to figure out," Clary said, grimacing in sympathy. "It's Sunday afternoon, you looking like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. You love your job, so it's not Sunday blues. Obvious conclusion; family drama. Sunday is the peak time for it."

"It's why we're not at Clary's parent's this weekend," Izzy agreed, slumping down beside her after pushing a beer into both Alec and Clary's hands, pulling her feet up to curl up in Clary's side. Clary slotted her fingers through Izzy's to drag her hand into her lap.

"My father just took on another contract that would mean even more work and less time at home," Clary explained, rolling her eyes. "I didn't feel like being there as referee. My mom is like the… queen of guilt-tripping."

"Besides," Alec added, still playing with Magnus' fingers, "I promised to make burgers. Wouldn't wanna miss out on those, right, Clary?"

"Well, I'm not _stupid_ ," Clary snorted, winking back at him.

"Burgers sound delicious," Magnus agreed, realizing he'd only eaten a few mouthfuls of his lunch for all of the tension at the table. Alec pressed a kiss into his shoulder murmuring a question asking if he needed to eat anything; Magnus shook his head to show that he didn't.

"Definitely stay for dinner," Izzy said without hesitation. Magnus looked to Clary's face smiling in agreement with Izzy's offer, then Alec's hopeful-looking one, and found himself nodding back. Alec pressed a loud celebratory kiss to his cheek, and the rest of the afternoon was lost to easy conversation and an odd sense of belonging for Magnus that allowed him to forget almost entirely about the disaster that had been his family dinner. Mostly, Magnus was excited to find two more willing viewers of his growing collections of photos of his kittens. Not that he'd not already bombarded both Clary and Izzy, and everyone else with pictures already.

Later, Magnus stood beside Alec as he cooked, accepting frequent kisses in between Alec's many attempts at making him laugh. Magnus blushed at the dinner table with Izzy's assumption he would be staying the night made with teasing words about them not making too much noise. When they'd eaten, Magnus looked down to Alec's tangling of their fingers together before he pulled Magnus to his feet, only to be showered with even more affection the second Alec's bedroom door was closed. And later still, Alec crawled between his legs with a sigh that spoke of relief for the feel of them pressed together, with one hand cradling the back of his head as he bent down for frequent kisses interrupted with nothing but smiles and the sweetest words. Magnus allowed himself to be loved and to feel in love, damning anyone and time itself if they believed it too soon.

* * *

"There you are." Magnus grabbed on to the wriggling kitten clinging the top of the shower door, cradling Chairman Meow to his chest despite his mewling protests. "And what would you have done had you fallen, hmm? Complained that this was somehow _my_ doing?"

Chairman Meow burrowed under the hand resting on the back of his head then shifted to sit in Magnus' palm, and staring him in the face. Magnus' smile was automatic and unchecked, laughing as Chairman Meow headbutted him in the mouth. How had these kittens been with him so long already?

"Now. Let's see what trouble your brother is getting himself into, hmm?" Magnus asked, laughing once more as Chairman Meow scrambled up him to perch on his shoulder, forever using Magnus as his own personal climbing frame. He _loved_ it when Alec stayed over even more, for the extra inches of height giving him an even better view. Magnus loved it when Alec stayed over too, only for so many other reasons.

Church was fast asleep on an armchair with his claws dug into one of the toy fishes that Alec had bought. He yawned and stretched when Magnus lowered Chairman Meow to join him, turning over for a quick lick before going back to sleep. Magnus couldn't resist taking yet another photo, sure he'd have to clear out his phone memory soon.

Since Alec was having a family dinner that included a Skype call with his mother and brother Jace, and both Catarina and Ragnor had other plans, Magnus was spending an evening alone. Though for the first time in a long while Magnus was _happy_ in his own company, knowing that the people he loved were only a phone call away. He made himself a cocktail with a spring in his step, swaying to the music he'd put on in the background, humming along to lyrics without really knowing the words. With his drink in hand, Magnus pondered his bookshelves debating something to read, his eyes falling on his writing notebook and pulling that from the shelf instead.

Sprawled out on the couch, Magnus opened the notebook only Catarina, Ragnor, and Alec had ever seen, beginning to type up the details of the story he'd been writing for years. All the scribbled notes in the margins wove into the plot with ease, new ideas occurring to him as he wrote. Magnus began to add new details to both the back story and characters as he typed up the pages, the words flowing easier than they had in months. He drained two cocktails while barely taking his eyes off the screen, all the tabs he opened for research glaring at him in reproach when he clicked on yet another.

All the times he'd lost interest in the story in the past were tied with moments when he'd retreated into himself. Magnus realized this tale woven of redemption and hope was only possible to keep telling when he _felt_ hopeful. He had his relationship with Alec to thank for that. And while a voice in his head scolded him for pinning such hope on another person, the quiet confidence he had in _them_ was enough to silence it. He _loved_ Alec, and was sure he loved him back; they didn't need to say the words out loud for it to be true.

Magnus paused from writing deciding that he wanted something to eat. Even the contents of his kitchen cupboards made him think of Alec. There were chips that were Alec's favorite, and a brand of cereal Magnus had never heard of until he'd met him. A bowl filled with oranges sat on the counter since they'd decided they wanted fresh juice in the mornings, and there was a large bag of coffee beans beside the coffee machine that never seemed to go down; Magnus suspected Alec was adding more beans from the farmer's market whenever he wasn't looking.

With a bowl full of Alec's chips and a slice of lemon cake that he'd ordered too much of for Leaves, Magnus returned to his writing, once again becoming engrossed in the words. He was interrupted twice, first for needing to put the light on for how late it had gotten, and second when his bladder protested for being too full. By the time he'd decided he'd had enough of writing, Church was awake and demanding food. Magnus carried both Church and Chairman Meow to the kitchen, cooing at them as he filled their bowls. He left them to eat as he went through to roughly proofread his efforts, satisfied with the progress he'd made.

Deciding he'd earned himself a little indulgence, Magnus ran himself a bath, checking his phone for messages as he did. Alec had sent some pictures; first of himself with the most ridiculous raised eyebrow for Izzy's attempts at _cooking_ ; second of Clary and Izzy tossing grapes at one another across the kitchen as the pan on the stove in the background boiled over, and third of the cartons of take out food covering the kitchen table when they had finally given up on their attempts to cook. Alec's tone was light and playful in his messages, a particular ring of joy to his words Magnus was used to hearing after he'd spoken to his brother Jace.

To Alec's question of _what are you up to?_ Magnus sent back a picture of his filling bath, the bubbles thick and deep, already threatening to spill over. Another message followed with suggestions of what Alec would be doing if he was sharing that bath, with Magnus' evening taking on quite a different tone. He half-wanted to ask Alec to come over, though knew he was in for the night curled up on the couch with Izzy and Clary. He pictured him surreptitiously posting him the messages he was while keeping a straight face, helplessly smiling for it.

Once in the bath, Magnus raised his phone up to capture as much of himself as possible beneath the suds, trying to anticipate Alec's reaction to his photo.

 _Dammit_ , he read just seconds later, along with a long string of emojis that made him snort with laughter, _not fair, Magnus. Izzy bet me I couldn't last to the end of the movie. You're not helping._

 _Well, if we're not playing fair…_ Magnus wrote, dropping a hand between his legs; Alec wouldn't be able to see anything with all the bubbles but he would know exactly what he was doing.

 _Really not fair_.

_Were you not just telling me what you would be doing were you here?_

_Magnus. You are a tease. I would love to be there._

_But you aren't here, Alec. How else am I supposed to entertain myself?_ Again Magnus wanted to ask him over, but stopped himself before he could write. Instead, he angled himself for a far more suggestive picture, snorting with laughter for the expletives he received in return.

 _Just you wait until I go to bed later_ , Alec warned him, which Magnus didn't think was much of a threat at all. That Alec's initial hesitance to show himself because of his injuries had gone so quickly Magnus was forever thankful for; this hint that he'd be sending pictures of himself just said how relaxed with him Alex really was. Magnus was _proud_ that Alec was so comfortable sharing himself with him. And when would he ever turn down the opportunity to see a picture of Alec, in whatever state of undress?

 _Oh, I look forward to it_ , he replied with a further picture, thinking it wouldn't be much longer before he'd need to get himself off.

Much later, Magnus fell asleep with a smirk on his face for Alec's final message, clutching tight to his phone trying to keep his eyes open to enjoy the view.

* * *

"You know, you can't avoid Ragnor forever."

Magnus smiled for Alec's whine of protest and how he pressed his face into his pillow, running a soothing hand down his side as he waited for Alec to answer.

"You don't know what he wants? What did he tell you?"

"Only that _time is ticking away_ ," Magnus replied in his most terrible British accent, purely to see Alec smile.

"It can't be anything that bad, right?"

"Well. He has only been attempting to get your attention for _weeks_."

"We had dinner with him and Catarina just last week," Alec pointed out, tangling his fingers through Magnus'.

"Yes. But that was a birthday dinner Maia arranged for Raphael; nobody had that much time to talk about other things."

"It was a good dinner," Alec said, smiling as though reliving memories of the evening.

"It was."

Maia had such a natural way of bringing everyone together making it seem effortless. Raphael had smiled _five_ times; Magnus had counted. And only two of them had been for the proximity of Simon.

"I'll… text him tomorrow," Alec said, stroking up Magnus' chest.

"You will?"

"Probably?"

Magnus smiled, though Alec then curling his hand around his jaw and leaning in to kiss him stole anything else from his thoughts. Magnus loved lazy mornings like this when neither of them needed to be anywhere, and they could look forward to a whole day in bed if they wanted to. The weather conspired to keep them there too; rain hammering against the window and a chill in the air that kept them tucked beneath their comforter and in each other's arms. Not that they ever needed an excuse for _that_.

"I could make you breakfast in bed," Alec said as he nudged Magnus over on his back, draping himself over his side. He nudged his leg between Magnus' then tucked his toes behind his ankle as he so often did when they were indulging as they were.

"That would be wonderful. Though a little later, perhaps? I don't think I could move just yet."

Alec closed his eyes, smiling as Magnus rearranged his arm around him to splay his fingers over his back. He rested his hand on Magnus' stomach raising his fingers up so he'd know to slot them through. "Whenever you want, Magnus."

"Whatever I want?"

"Whatever you want."

Magnus angled up for a kiss, smiling against Alec's mouth. "Well. A little longer here. Perhaps that breakfast in bed you suggested."

"Crepes? Waffles?"

"Surprise me."

"And then?" Alec asked, bending to nuzzle against his chest.

"If I promise to keep the water far cooler than my usual temperature, perhaps you could join me in the bath?"

Magnus had been fantasizing about taking a bath with Alec for almost as long as they had been together, but with his skin still taking time to heal, he was never sure Alec could. It was a small want, really, maybe even a silly one. But the thought of sharing a tub with Alec, of the sleepy indulgence of it, was often on Magnus' mind.

"If we can use some oil, instead of foam or something, then yes. That sounds perfect."

Magnus had to kiss him. He slid his hand through the back of Alec's hair drawing him in for a kiss, wrinkling up his face when Alec then peppered kisses over his nose and cheeks. Their subsequent laughter turned to soft sighs as Alec dropped his grip on Magnus' hand and tucked his fingers around his side instead.

"We could use lavender," Magnus told him. "And chamomile. I also have some helichrysum oil I have been meaning to try."

"What's that for?"

"Inflammation. And scarring. I bought it and considered making a compress, or treatment for you. Though I then thought that perhaps I was overstepping a boundary," Magnus added, and after hesitating, gently followed the pattern of one of the whorls on Alec's back with his fingertips. Alec nosed at his throat then lifted up to look at him again, this time with the most affectionate smile.

"You wouldn't be. You aren't. Not for anything," Alec said softly, claiming another kiss. "I don't even… Magnus. I trust you. And I know _we_ haven't been all that long, but I… I'm _yours_. And I… I trust you."

Magnus watched Alec swallow awkwardly, sure there were other words he intended to say dancing there in his eyes. Words he could echo, but wouldn't; not yet. Alec was right, in a lot of ways they were still new, even if it felt like their time together had been so much longer. So he said all he wanted to with actions instead of those words, gently rolling them until Alec was beneath him.

"Stay tonight?" he whispered as he slotted between Alec's thighs, already smiling for the absent patterns being traced into his back.

Alec smiled up at him and nodded, angling his head for another kiss. Magnus rearranged the comforter around them, mentally postponing their breakfast in bed for a while.

* * *


	14. Chapter 14

**Alec**

"I don't know, Ragnor."

"My dear Alec. You say that as though I'm giving you any choice."

Alec looked to Magnus for help, and whilst he received the supportive squeeze of his hand, the look on Magnus' face was nothing but resigned apology and a firm _you're on your own_.

"I'm not... I'm not qualified," Alec protested, shaking his head and attempting to avoid Ragnor's pinning stare.

"You're a firefighter."

"Former," Alec argued back, finally grown comfortable with the idea even if it meant he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do next.

"Look," Ragnor twitching with impatience, folding his arms in a stance that told Alec he was wasting time. "All you have to do is explain to a group of teenagers why fire—bad, safety—good. And then you can go home. Perhaps Magnus will give you a little _treat_ for—"

"Ragnor," Magnus protested, glaring at his friend to cut him off then squeezing Alec's hand again against his lap.

"Oh," Ragnor said, waving his hand in dismissal. "Like you wouldn't give him a reward for—"

"Ragnor," Alec said, cutting him off himself and shaking his head. "I don't know about... I don't know if I _can_."

"But of _course_ you can," Ragnor replied, patting a condescending hand against his cheek and standing to tell Alec that the conversation was over.

"I—"

"Monday. I will pick you up. Magnus will text me your sister's address— that is if you're not already warming _his_ bed."

" _Ragnor_ —"

"Be ready. We need to be at the school at seven-thirty precisely, so you have time to set things up. You know, you have brought this on yourself, Alec," Ragnor added, sighing at him in disappointment.

Alec shook his head again. "By…?"

"If you had just made the effort to call me far sooner, there would have been ample time to prepare."

"But—"

"I'll see you tomorrow," he added to Magnus, saluting as he made his way out. Alec and Magnus to stare after him, leaning into one another and groaning.

"So," Alec said moments later when he'd found the ability to speak again, dragging his eyes back to Magnus' still pleading for help. "What did I just not agree to?"

Magnus pressed a consolatory kiss to his cheek and wrapped him up in a hug, sighing against his ear. "Ragnor is responsible for the school's health and safety briefings this semester. Fire safety has not yet been done to the school's liking; Ragnor has decided you are going to rectify that."

"I don't even know if I can," Alec protested again, leaning in a little tighter to Magnus' hug and feeling him sag against him.

"I will... I will talk to him," Magnus offered, though it was pretty obvious from the doubt in his voice he didn't think it would do either of them much good.

"I mean... I'm sure Luke, the fire chief I met, would be happy to give me a bunch of materials and stuff," Alec mumbled into Magnus' shoulder, smiling at the kiss to the side of his head whilst ideas stirred themselves awake, stretching and yawning and making themselves known.

"You don't have to—"

"And Simon volunteers at the school sometimes. Helps the younger kids with math and reading, things like that; guess he could give me a few pointers?"

Magnus pulled back, lightly gripping around Alec's upper arms to look at his face, frowning as he did. "Are you considering this, Alexander? Seriously?"

Gripping his fingers light around Magnus' waist, Alec let out another sigh, shrugging in defeat. "You know Ragnor better than I do. It doesn't sound like I have a lot of choice in the matter, does it?"

"Ragnor is... persuasive," Magnus replied, sliding his hands back up Alec's arms and looping them around his neck.

"That's... not the word I'd use," Alec laughed, shaking his head, "but since he's your friend and all—"

"Believe me," Magnus replied, leaning in to kiss him, "I have been on the receiving end of Ragnor's… _persuasions_ on numerous occasions. You may call him what you like."

"Oh, you have, have you?" Alec replied with a smirk and a teasing arch to his voice. Magnus rolled his eyes and pressed himself closer up against Alec, nuzzling against his cheek.

"I forgot that Ragnor has actually met Simon before," he said then, mouthing along Alec's neck. Alec closed his eyes at the feel of Magnus' lips on him and smiled to himself.

"Yeah, he said that. Simon, I mean; said he ran into Ragnor in the staff room one day, and got into a discussion about swords or something."

"Worrying, but unsurprising."

"Why unsurprising?" Alec asked, laughing, stroking a firm hand round Magnus' waist and resting it there in the center of his back.

"Ragnor has a selection of weaponry on display in his apartment; ornamental allegedly, though I have thankfully never been on his wrong side long enough to ever find out if that is truly the case. From what I know of Simon and his fascination with old film, I am not surprised that he too has an interest in such things."

"Simon has this thing about vampires right now; Maia was telling me."

"Oh?"

Alec laughed, snorting a kiss into Magnus' shoulder. "Coincidentally, Raphael mentioned the last time we were all together that he wanted to spend his weekend off watching old vampire films."

"I see," Magnus said, laughing as he wrapped Alec up in his arms again. "Our friends are… entertaining."

"Terrifying, more like."

* * *

The thought of Ragnor's demand—because Alec couldn't in any way call it an offer—was still on his mind later that evening. Magnus was at a birthday dinner for one of his friends from his poetry recital, and despite an invitation to come with him, Alec had felt like he needed to give Magnus a little space. They spent so much time together and yet Alec still didn't feel like it was enough; taking an enforced break seemed like a good thing to do so that he didn't get too clingy, because the last thing Alec wanted to do was push Magnus away. Though they'd only been apart for around fifteen minutes before they were already sending each other messages. Really, Alec thought as he checked his messages again, the two of them were hopeless.

After Ragnor had cornered Alec in Leaves with his _proposal_ , Alec had gone back to the fire station, spending an hour talking to Luke and some of the crew. Instead of the feeling of being an outsider Alec had been worrying about on the way over, he'd been nothing but welcomed, leaving much later than he'd intended with armfuls of materials he could use in his visit to the high school.

After a quick dinner with Izzy, Alec sat at the kitchen table with his laptop and a notebook to hand, the materials spread out far and wide, pausing briefly to heat up a plate of dinner for an exhausted-looking Clary when she came in off of her shift. The more he planned, the more Alec surprised himself by how excited he was by the idea. And the more excited he grew, the more distracted he became.

It took Izzy throwing a balled-up sheet of paper at his head to finally get his attention, which Alec snatched up from where it had fallen on the table and threw it back to her without even looking in her direction.

"You're really getting into this," Izzy observed around the paper flying towards her forehead, putting a coffee down on Alec's side of the table and sliding into the seat next to him, glancing over Alec's work.

"Yeah. Yeah, it's good," Alec replied, so engrossed in what he was reading it took Izzy then physically sliding the mug in front of him for Alec to stop to take a break. "It feels good to be actually doing something that might be useful, you know?"

"So? What's the deal?" Izzy asked, glancing over the laptop screen and picking up one of the safety flyers Alec had collected from the station earlier to flick through. Alec allowed himself a long stretch then picked up his coffee taking a grateful sip.

"Ragnor—Magnus' friend—"

"The very _English_ one? He always makes me feel like I've been transported to the wrong century, or continent, or something."

"Yeah that one," Alec agreed, liking Izzy's description. He'd message Magnus to tell him later. "He kind of... he's decided I'm giving a fire safety lecture to a bunch of teenagers. I have six... eight groups to speak to. At the school."

"Well, no offense, Alec, because clearly you have the experience for this," Izzy said; Alec raised an eyebrow for the caution in Izzy's tone, nodding for her to go on. "But don't you have to have like... I don't know. Certification, and... background checks, and things like that to go into schools?"

"Exactly what I asked, amongst a whole lot of other stuff," Alec agreed, tapping his fingers on a list of the licensing and certification needed for a full-time fire safety officer that he'd looked up an hour or so previously. "Apparently as I'm doing it voluntarily as a one-off, with a written recommendation from the station chief—I didn't even know Ragnor had asked him for one until I got to the station this afternoon," Alec added, shaking his head.

"Ragnor is determined to make this work."

"Yeah," Alec said, drumming his fingers, "Anyway. Luke said based on the recommendation from my old place, he had no objection."

"That's great, Alec."

"I thought, maybe, that he'd got it wrong. That it was _mom_ being, you know, _mom_ , and her putting in the recommendation for me," Alec added with a rueful smile. "But Luke showed me. It was from the old chief. I think Mom's been in contact with Luke once or twice since, but, yeah."

"Because you're _good_. Alec, you can do anything. You really can."

Izzy's unwavering belief in Alec was sometimes a little daunting, but her nudging against his arm just then was nothing but supportive.

"So. Since I'm volunteering— _being_ volunteered more like—it's all fine with security checks and whatever else. Apparently—for now, at least. I just show up, do what I need to do, and get the hell out of there before anyone asks me any questions." Which wasn't true either; Alec had spent over an hour on Skype with Jace brainstorming possible questions, Jace's pride for him palpable through the screen.

"But do you actually _want_ to do this?" Izzy asked, nudging at one of the stacks of flyers and having to rescue them from falling off the table.

Alec asked himself the question again and found the answer the same as it had been every time.

"It's worth a shot. I mean... it's one day out of my not-busy-schedule. If I can't be a firefighter anymore, and I can't figure out what I'd retrain as... maybe this will help me figure something out."

"You're... you're looking _good_ , Alec."

Alec looked up to see Izzy looking at the table, smiling over his work. He kept staring until Izzy lifted her face to look at him, and was greeted with a small smile. "I meant, these past few months you're looking better. I'm proud of you, Alec."

There were so many glib comments that Alec felt he could make then, but instead he held them in and found himself nodding in agreement, even curling his arm around her shoulders for a brief hug. "Yeah, Izzy. I'm feeling better. Much better."

"I know you're not here all the time now, but I haven't heard you having nightmares for a while."

"I'm still having them sometimes," Alec said, shrugging to try to show how little it bothered him. "But they're like... nothing like before. And I'm sleeping better too. Not perfect, but so much better."

"And the scarring? Stiffness?"

"Also better. I mean... obviously, the scarring isn't going anywhere. I still look like ground meat in places. But I've got almost full mobility again. I'm getting there."

"You're doing great, Alec," Izzy told him, the pride in her voice making Alec shift in slight discomfort.

"I have Magnus to thank for so much of this," Alec said then, knowing how much truth there was to his words.

He and Magnus made sense in a way Alec had never thought he'd get to have, never known was a possibility for him even before the fire. Magnus never did anything that made him doubt himself, and any disagreements they had were minimal and discussed without hesitance or difficulty. And though neither of them had yet said the words out loud there was love there, and trust, comfort for each other. It was reassuring to him, and Alec hoped just as reassuring to Magnus; even if Alec did occasionally feel a few misplaced sparks of jealousy in his gut when he caught the wistful looks of customers listening to Magnus read on Book Night, berating himself for them every time they tried to rise up.

"I think you're probably good for each other," Izzy said, rolling her shoulders and fighting back a yawn.

"Are _you_ getting any sleep?" Alec frowned for the bags under Izzy's eyes and prepared a lecture about her working too hard.

"Yeah. We just seem to have a lot of extra work right now. It can't last forever."

"Well, when it calms down, maybe you should take some time. You and Clary; get away for a weekend at least."

"So you can have Magnus over here and christen every surface?" Izzy teased, grinning at him.

"Oh, please," Alec replied with a dismissive wave. "Like we haven't already done that when you and Clary are out at work."

The way Izzy spluttered on the mouthful of coffee she'd just taken, was, Alec thought, worth it.

" _Dude—_ "

"I'm kidding," Alec laughed, waving an absent hand and quickly typing as yet another idea for his fire talk came to him.

"Well _good_ —"

"...maybe."

"I don't wanna know," Izzy protested, adamantly shaking her head and pushing back a little in her seat, leaving Alec grinning to himself.

"He's coming over for dinner tomorrow," Alec added, mentally going over a grocery list.

"Good, I've been meaning to come into Leaves and drop off this magazine I saw I think he'd like; he can take it when he's here instead."

That Izzy had been so accepting of Magnus, welcoming him into their strange little family unit without even questioning it, Alec was silently grateful for, even if he would never say it out loud. Magnus' family life was in some ways even more messed up than their own.

"He might stay over," Alec added, wording it in a way that sounded like a statement but was laden with request, which he knew was ridiculous and unnecessary but still found himself doing even after all this time. Izzy shrugged easily, taking another sip of her coffee.

"You tell me which rooms I need to keep me and Clary out of—"

"Izzy—"

"And you won't even know we're here," Izzy finished with, her eyes lighting up with mirth as she stood up.

"Hey," Alec protested, shaking his head, "we're not gonna—"

Izzy interrupted him by putting his hands over her ears and humming out loud.

"Izzy—"

Izzy's humming grew even louder until Alec reached out to drag one of her arms down, glaring at her but helpless against it morphing into a smile.

"Do what you want, Alec," Izzy grinned, putting her hands on her hips. "This is your home, okay? Now. There is a bath with my name on it. I'll leave you to it."

Alec peered over his shoulder watching Izzy leave, then checked his phone to find a series of pictures from Magnus showing him what he'd eaten for dinner. He thumbed back a quick reply, then returned back to his laptop to continue making notes.

* * *

Alec watched the final group of students leaving the classroom he'd taken over for the day and let out a soft groan in relief. Simon, who had slipped away from helping out in the library and crept in to watch Alec's last talk, waited for the door to click closed and then was up on his feet and charging across the room talking at Alec so fast he couldn't make out a single word.

"We did it," Alec said, smiling at Simon since he couldn't really tell if he'd asked him a question or not.

" _You_ did it," Simon corrected him, punching him lightly on the shoulder, "you were awesome; the kids sat there like you'd got them under a spell or something. Alec, you're a _natural._ "

"I don't know about that—"

"You do," Simon insisted.

Alec smiled for his compliment and began to tidy up. The good night's sleep he'd had at Magnus' had set him up well for the day, with Magnus getting up to make him breakfast then pulling Ragnor to one side and gesticulating at him wildly, with whatever he'd said to her keeping Ragnor from being his worst on the drive to school. He'd had enough to be nervous about on the way in without Ragnor's _commenting_.

Alec's nerves had kicked in properly just before the first group of students arrived, but five minutes after their arrival and it had all but disappeared; he felt relaxed and confident and didn't flinch once even with the most difficult of questions the kids threw at him. Already Alec had ideas about more interactive lectures and some further resources he could do with if he got the chance to do this again. Maybe he could look into arranging some visits to the station for younger kids. His mind brimmed over with plans, racing with the adrenalin of a successful day.

"Gotta go, gotta go," Simon said after glancing at his watch, shoving the papers he'd just picked up into Alec's waiting hands. "Celebratory drinks tonight, right?"

"Can't. Magnus is cooking for me. Maybe we could come for one first, though?"

"Course he is," Simon beamed, saluting and rushing out leaving Alec to straighten up the remaining chairs, give a final glance around the room to check everything was in order fearing the wrath of Ragnor if he didn't, then make his way out.

It was odd walking down the high school corridors, hearing the murmurings of lessons going on behind the walls and not being a part of them. It was even odder being able to walk into the staff room to ask where he'd find Ragnor and to be invited straight in, without any questioning aside from a brief glance over the visitor pass hung around his neck. A tired-looking math teacher with a Mohican to rival even Magnus' gave him directions to Ragnor's office after offering him an open bag of chips, which Alec ate a handful of on the route it took him past the library, earning himself a salute from Simon as he did.

Predictably, when Ragnor waved him into his office after Alec had wrapped his knuckles against the door, he was giving someone hell. Whoever was on the other end of that phone call must have been wincing and cowering in a corner somewhere, Alec was sure of it, following Ragnor's pointing finger for where to leave the small amount of paperwork he'd asked him to fill in.

"Wait," Ragnor commanded into the phone, pressing mute and letting the handset clatter to the desk as he arched an eyebrow up at him. "Good work today, Alec; I was most impressed."

Alec fought against letting his lips twitch up into a smile. "Thanks."

"I'll get the details from the children later I am sure. But you looked like you knew what you were doing."

"Uh..."

"Do you want to stick around?" Ragnor asked, gesturing at the chair opposite his desk and making it sound as though he didn't have a choice. Alec went through a quick route in his head of how long it would take him to walk back home and found himself slumping into it.

"You giving me a lift back?"

"Well. I did promise Magnus I'd deliver you back in one piece," Ragnor replied, the glint in his eye that had probably intimidated a thousand students by now not quite having the same effect on Alec, having been on the receiving end of it already at least a dozen times.

"Are you gonna be in here?"

"Not for long. I have some people to make uncomfortable." Ragnor returned to his phone call without another word for Alec leaving him to flinch on the recipient's behalf. As he half-listened to the conversation Alec checked his phone, grinning at the string of encouraging messages from just about everyone and taking a little time to answer every one of them back.

Before the fire, because Alec's life was so very starkly divided by that event, Alec could go days without receiving messages from anyone but his mom and siblings. Aside from his dad, there had not really anyone else in his life at all. But now, looking at all his good luck messages from friends and family put a humble kind of warmth in Alec's chest.

Alec was settled here, he realized, surprised it had taken him quite so long to realize it; not in this tiny office with Ragnor loudly berating someone down the phone, but in this town. For the first time in his life, Alec found himself seriously thinking beyond just the next day. He was considering what it would be like to put down proper roots here. To move out of Izzy's house and into his own apartment, or better still, some place with Magnus. Though perhaps he shouldn't be thinking about that so soon.

Ragnor's phone call ended then, and the wicked smile he gave him had Alec wondering if he'd been reading his mind. But then he was barking instructions at him not to touch anything, sliding a pad of lined paper over to him when he asked for one and telling him they'd be leaving in about an hour.

The moment the office door closed Alec was pitching forward, grabbing a pen, and scribbling down all his ideas from earlier about future fire safety talks.

* * *

Alec dug his thumb into the flesh between his other thumb and finger trying to hold in his nervous impatience, watching Luke as he carefully read through the stack of paperwork he'd pushed across his desk after calling to arrange a meeting. Every page he turned had Alec's heart giving an uncomfortable thump, made worse by the perfectly neutral expression on Luke's face that gave him no clues at all to what he was thinking.

Another tense few minutes followed before Luke was turning over the final sheet of paper and splaying his fingers over it against the desk, slowly raising his eyes up to look at Alec.

"You've put a lot of thought into this."

Alec _had_. He'd spent what felt like four solid days going over all the information he could get his hands on to put something together that he was quietly very proud of. Now he was sat there half-terrified Luke was about to pick it all apart.

"Uh... I guess?"

"This is really, really good," Luke enthused with a pleased, encouraging smile. "I think this would be an amazing program to implement in the schools and colleges around here. And," he said, typing rapidly at his laptop then smiling a touch wider at the screen, "you've got an amazing report from Ragnor Fell. Honestly, I didn't know he had it in him to say a kind word about anyone."

Alec snorted, curious and wondering if Luke would let him see the report, then how he'd ever look Ragnor in the eye again if he did read it. "How do you know Ragnor?"

"Through Raphael; Raphael Santiago. He works at the PD here; works with the schools sometimes when there are safety campaigns. Done a few sessions at the high school Ragnor works at like you've just done. Raphael says Ragnor should work in interrogation; he'd get everyone to confess in a heartbeat without even breaking a sweat, apparently."

This town really was so small. Everyone really knew everyone; now Raphael was thrown into Alec's _presentations_ at the school in a way, and he didn't know what to make of it.

"I am learning a whole other side to Ragnor through all this," Alec said, storing away his thoughts about Raphael for later. "I would never have thought he'd be the one to get all this kind of stuff done."

"From what Raphael tells me, Ragnor gets the job done. He's blunt, to the point, won't bend for no one. But he's great at what he does."

"I haven't seen him teach for myself, but I do hear good things about it."

"How'd you know Ragnor?" Luke asked.

"Ragnor went to college with—is good friends with—my boyfriend."

"What does your boyfriend do?"

"He, uh. Magnus owns Leaves. You know, the—"

"Cafe without café," Luke finished for him with an awful French accent, chuckling to herself. " _That_ Magnus. Okay. He's a good guy."

Alec narrowed his eyes; he'd better not be about to mock Leaves. Luke caught his expression and laughed, waving away his concern.

"That's what Raphael calls it, bad accent and all. Every time we go to the gym together he keeps dragging me in there for this hot fudge brownie cake—that defeats the object of the gym but is _amazing_. I even went there myself for some tea when I had this headache I couldn't shift."

Alec allowed himself to relax. "Yeah. Clary—my sister-in-law—swears by that stuff."

"Between you and me—and meaning no offense," Luke said, leaning across the desk towards him, "I mean it's a great cafe. Food's amazing—"

"Magnus makes a lot of it himself," Alec interrupted with pride, before gesturing for Luke to go on.

"It's great," Luke repeated, "but... between you and me? Place is lacking a certain, essential ingredient."

"Coffee," Alec agreed, sitting back and laughing. "I've been telling him that since we first met."

"How did you meet?"

"In Leaves," Alec laughed, groaning at himself. "Izzy dragged me in there, I ended up stumbling across the place again when I saw a sign for homemade soup. Started hanging out, and, well, here we are."

"That's a great story," Luke told him, a soft smile on his face.

"So," Alec said, nodding towards the stack of papers once again.

"So," Luke echoed. "I think it's a great idea. I've been asking for funding for years for an actual dedicated fire safety officer; not just for this," he added, rustling the paper, "but you know. Someone to give talks, to do safety checks—"

"Safety checks?" Alec repeated, shaking his head, not clear on what he meant.

"Yeah. Back here forever ago, apparently there used to be a designated officer that would go around all the municipal buildings—you know. Police. Local government, and all, because God knows they're the worst for locking fire exits and setting toasters on fire. At the moment I have a rota system with the crew here to go and check things out as and when it's needed, but. If we can get the funding for a full-time position, kind of... carve you a role." Luke's raised eyebrow dared Alec to disagree. "It frees my guys up to do what they're supposed to be doing. You'd still part of the service. You get to keep giving these talks. Everyone wins."

"Seriously?"

Alec's heart thudded for the possibilities that were so far beyond even his biggest hopes, yet at the same time, he demanded to himself not to get too excited.

"Seriously," Luke agreed, tapping the papers on his desk again."I see you've done your research. You know what certification and stuff you'd have to go through. There are all kinds of security checks involved just to get things down on paper, and you'd still need to go through a medical or two. I still need to put another proposal together for creating the post, 'cos I'd kind of abandoned the idea for a while. But if you're happy to help me come up with something, there's a real possibility we can make this thing happen."

"This all sounds… this would be great. Honestly."

"I don't know, Alec," Luke said then, pressing his fists into the desk and smiling at him. "Feels like you walked into my station at the exact right time."

Alec sat back in his chair, his head now swimming. When he'd put together some information for Luke, he'd been tentatively thinking that perhaps if he couldn't do anything else, maybe he could give these school talks once in a while. That way he could ease himself back into work and maybe along the way pick something else up to do as well.

But if what Luke was suggesting was even possible, this could be a way back into the fire service without having to attend any actual fires. And though part of him would probably always miss doing that, the way he was currently Alec couldn't see how he'd be able to do that again any time soon with any kind of safety—or even ever again.

"It's only an _if_ ," Luke reiterated in warning, obviously taking in the excitement in Alec's eyes. "Though I think we've got a good chance of putting something together. Might take a few months—"

"I'm in no hurry," Alec said quickly, going between not being able to believe his luck and not letting himself get too invested already.

"Then let's see if we can get this done. I'll forward you what I've already put together; there's a ton of questions we need to give decent answers to so we can get that funding; wanna see what you can add?"

Alec watched Luke as he typed, heard the ping of notification to tell him he'd received an email on his phone, then walked back to the car a few minutes later feeling slightly dazed, but brimming with excitement. He thought about messaging Magnus, and Izzy, and even Jace, but then talked himself out of it, telling himself not to get too worked up over something that might come to nothing.

Sitting in the car to calm himself, Alec was then firing up the engine, knowing he couldn't keep the news to himself indefinitely even if it was just a _maybe_. He steered the car out of the station's parking lot, already decided on going to see Magnus first, knowing his rational way of thinking would tell him one way or another if he was getting his hopes up too high. The drive to Leaves took barely ten minutes, and being able to pull straight into his usual parking spot just notched up the good feeling buzzing in Alec's chest.

Swinging the door of Leaves open perhaps a little too enthusiastically, Alec sought out Magnus, looking past the customer sitting at the counter in his own usual seat at the counter and beyond to the kitchen where he heard noises that told him Magnus was in there preparing something.

"Magnus, dear, you have a customer."

The accent hit Alec seconds after he actually heard it as the customer swiveled on his stool to give him an appraising look over. Alec heard Magnus muttering to himself as he rushed through whatever he was doing, his heart beginning to beat erratically even if he didn't know for what. Alec took in Magnus' face morphing from calm professional to panic-stricken as he leaned out of the kitchen doorway to announce he needed another minute, and everything clicked into place.

Alec turned immediately on his heel and ran from the cafe, hearing Magnus calling after him but ignoring him, desperate to get away. Alec threw himself back into the car, forced his trembling hands to grip the steering wheel and sped away, thinking of nothing but the need to escape.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I am sorry!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning of sorts; Izzy will likely piss you off in this chapter. She pissed me off, and I wrote this!

**Magnus**

Magnus squeezed his pant pocket for what had to be the fiftieth time to make sure the key he'd had cut that morning was still there, telling himself not to be an idiot. It was little more than a gesture giving Alec a key to his apartment; Alec spent so much of his time there now it was already as though he'd long ago moved in. But the sense of formality about it was bigger than that, because it meant assumptions about a future together; at least, that's where Magnus' mind was already taking him when he thought about it. Step one; giving Alec a key. Step two; taking the very few belongings Alec actually had stored at Izzy's place and moving them in along with Alec himself. Step three; live together, in some idyllic, drama-free domestic bliss Magnus found himself daydreaming about from time to time, then cursing at himself for, for its unreality. Step four; buy a place together, and all the things that might entail. Shared life, shared home, perhaps one day shared names.

Yet again Magnus had to chide himself for letting his imagination run riot, busying himself in the kitchen to combat it. This past couple of weeks had been incredible for him and Alec, both separately and together. Together they were always good, but falling asleep in Alec's bedroom last week with Alec's face buried in his chest and his lips mumbling an absent _I love you_ into his skin, had made Magnus' heart feel like it was attempting to beat out of his chest with the happiness he felt. There had been many of those _I love you_ s whispered or insinuated over the time they had been together, but none that had been said quite as out loud. Definitely not with the startled eye contact that had followed when Alec realized what he'd said, only for Magnus to lean up to kiss him in reassurance, replying with a soft, _I love you, too_.

Magnus was writing with abandon again, the words for his on-again-off-again book flowing through him as though he'd been storing them up for years. At Alec's encouragement, he'd put forward a few short stories to a publisher that had been snapped up, and the longer stories that he'd added to intermittently over the years were either now complete or at least at proof-reading stage.

And Alec, Magnus thought, smiling and so full of pride for him, Alec was just incredible. A glib conversation between him and Ragnor over a dinner some time ago had turned into that day of fire safety talks at the high school, with Ragnor singing Alec's praises in the only way he knew how—sarcastically and with mock-contempt—and Alec practically fizzing with excitement when telling him about it that night.

Alec had spent much of the past week in the corner at Leaves, typing and scribbling away and planning future talks, telling Magnus repeatedly when he took him over something to eat or drink that he wasn't getting his hopes up, but that it might be good for Luke to have some information on file.

Alec was currently down at the station talking to Luke, and was coming to stay again that night, planning on first sitting and listening to Magnus in the evening since it was Book Night. Magnus checked his phone yet again to see if there were any new messages to answer then told himself to stop procrastinating and get on with preparing what he needed to bake.

Dot rushed in a little later in a clatter of noise and chatter, plucking Magnus' list from his fingers and some cash from the register before breezing back out again, leaving Magnus smiling after her and not having picked up a single thing she'd said. He had just enough time to put another cake in the oven before she returned again, helping him slot away all of her purchases before she disappeared once more, bemoaning an afternoon lecture for the part-time course she was studying in antiques but promising to be back on time to help him out in the evening.

When the door chimed once more, Magnus chuckled to himself, arms already deep in flour again as he prepared the crust for a pie he was intending on Alec sampling first before anyone else got to try it. Not wanting to call out in case it was a customer rather than Dot returning in a hurry from forgetting something, Magnus quickly rubbed the mixture from his hands into the bowl and stumbled out of the kitchen, arms turned upwards at the elbows in the hope that his pastry-stained fingers wouldn't shed too much mess on to the floor.

"Hello, love."

Magnus came to an abrupt, stumbling stop just outside the doorway, staring wide-eyed back at Woolsey, who smiled at him from across the counter. Woolsey's eyes drifted down to Magnus' floured-up fingers and crinkled up in amused affection before glancing back up again at his face.

"What culinary delights are you magicking up this afternoon, Magnus?"

Magnus' mouth was too stuck for him to be able to answer. Instead, he stared back at Woolsey as though he might be an apparition. He half-wished he was; Magnus hadn't thought about Woolsey in so long, the wounds of his rapid departure long-since healed even if they had left scars. Magnus' mind was so full of Alec that all the self-doubt and deprecation that used to be a constant companion had no room for voice. Woolsey standing before him was a reminder to Magnus of a version of himself he'd long since grown out of, and had no place for in his life anymore.

"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" Woolsey tried again when Magnus didn't answer him.

Magnus finally found himself unsticking from the spot and nodded, walking back into the kitchen. He washed his hands far more thoroughly than necessary before returning, drying them on a dishtowel as he continued staring back at Woolsey in astonishment.

"What are you doing here?"

"What sort of welcome is that for your old friend—"

"We are not _friends_ ," Magnus retorted, bristling with indignance, clutching the towel hard between his fingers for a moment then hanging it back on its hook. He watched Woolsey's shoulders drop and the purse of his lips, then the nonchalant way he hopped up on to the stool Magnus had come to think of as Alec's, and steepled his fingers together against the counter, looking back at him expectantly.

"Anything to say for yourself, Magnus?"

"I would think that since it is _you_ visiting _me_ , that perhaps it is you who has something that needs to be said." Magnus kept staring back, forcing himself not to flinch at the pointedness of his own tone and watching the now-unfamiliar emotions morphing across Woolsey's face.

"You always were observant."

"Clearly not, since I had no idea you were leaving until the day you did," Magnus bit back, then laughed at himself.

For months after Woolsey's departure, Magnus had tortured himself for not knowing, for not recognizing that there was anything wrong between them. For a good couple of years after that, he'd found himself concocting fantasies about all kinds of snippy, snooty replies he would have should he ever see Woolsey again. Now, having him sat there right in front of him, Magnus found himself completely disinterested in saying anything at all to him, snide or otherwise.

"Magnus—"

"Why are you here?" Magnus demanded, eager for Woolsey to already be gone.

"I could lie and say I was in the area," Woolsey said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Do not."

Woolsey's hands raised in surrender and his sigh came out in a blast. Magnus stared at him to see if there was anything he wanted to say then rolled his eyes, turning away to prepare a pot of tea.

"How about we start this conversation over?" Woolsey called out in suggestion; Magnus gripped hard around the jar in his hand and bit back an unpleasant retort.

"As you wish."

"If you can believe it, I am here to apologize."

Magnus whirled on his heel in surprise, letting out a disbelieving snort of laughter. "Could you repeat that, Woolsey? I didn't know you were capable of such a thing."

"I—"

"In all the time we were together, any justification for your behavior was only ever given in the form of excuses."

For a moment Magnus thought Woolsey might be about to deny his accusations, then watched his shoulders slump further still and his head nod slowly in defeat that had Magnus squaring his shoulders in vindication.

"You turned your flirtations into my paranoia and jealousy. Your bad temper into my _fussing_. Your—"

"Okay, okay," Woolsey pleaded, hands up again asking for silence.

Magnus took a breath to calm himself, aggravated that apparently he did have some residual anger there after all, and turned away again to add water to the pot.

"How is Ragnor? And Catarina?" Woolsey asked then, making Magnus roll his eyes again.

"Both well. I can invite them if—"

"No," Woolsey blasted out with his eyes blowing comically wide, rapidly shaking his head, "no, this is a cordial visit. I don't wish to have my innards ripped out by your friends."

Magnus slamming the teapot on the side, glaring back at him, had Woolsey sighing again and sitting back, almost toppling from his stool in the process. "You don't think you deserve it?"

"I didn't come here to fight."

"So why did you come here?" Magnus demanded again, spinning away for cups then folding his arms tight across his chest, needing to do something with his hands for the distraction.

"I told you; to apologize."

"After all this time," Magnus retorted, disbelieving.

"It has played on my mind—" Woolsey began to say, but Magnus cut him off again with a snort, shaking his head. "Okay. I understand, Magnus. I understand why you might still be cross with me. I earned that, and I truly am sorry for leaving the way I did."

Magnus glanced up from his teapot when Woolsey stopped speaking, expecting a string of excuses and surprised when there were none. Woolsey even looked contrite, sincerity setting his jaw and his eyes asking for, if not forgiveness, then at least the chance to attempt to explain.

Magnus gave one single, slow nod, sat down on his own stool and poured them tea, waiting for Woolsey to speak.

"Look. Back then, for all I accused you of being directionless... without ambition. It was I who was adrift. I who lacked any sense of purpose, or planning."

"I believe most people feel like that," Magnus replied, swirling the cup in his hand as he continued watching Woolsey, taking in the familiar nervous fingers over the knot in his tie and loathing that he'd ever found the gesture _endearing_. Now, he just wanted to strangle him with it.

"It's true; although I only learned that when I had already left," Woolsey agreed, mirroring Magnus' swirling of his tea. "A family friend contacted me out of the blue, offered me some work in London. You and I had just had an argument. I was feeling terribly guilty—"

"Guilty?" Magnus repeated and frowned at, his grip around his teacup tightening. Woolsey gave an awkward swallow then nodded, appearing to have to force himself to keep eye contact.

"Remember when... I accused you of being needlessly jealous when I flirted with that guy who worked in the bistro down the street from your bookshop where we occasionally went for lunch?"

"Elias," Magnus agreed, remembering all too well the way he'd arranged to meet Woolsey on his break one day, and getting there only to find him practically draped over Elias at the counter, completely unperturbed by Magnus' imminent arrival.

"It wasn't necessarily needless," Woolsey said then, his eyes down on the counter and watching his own fingers play along the handle of his cup.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Magnus asked, with an arch in his voice and his eyes narrowing, his heart giving a pointless thud. Woolsey gave another heavy sigh and forced himself to look up once more, his eyes heavy with regret; Magnus' fingers gripped even tighter around his cup for seeing it.

"Elias and I... a few times... perhaps more than a few times, we... well, we—"

"I see." Magnus cut him off, the confirmation of his suspicion after all these years seeming irrelevant now, though adding to his feeling of vindication.

"So you see—"

"You used my jealousy and our subsequent argument as an excuse to leave," Magnus surmised, nodding then folding his arms tight across his chest once again.

"That's about the gist of it, yes."

"And you came to apologize for it. After all this time," Magnus continued, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it.

"Essentially, yes, Magnus."

" _Essentially_?" Magnus repeated, watching as Woolsey squirmed under his glare.

"Yes, _essentially_. I found myself back in America—"

"Have the British recently discovered teleportation technology that they are yet to share with the wider world?"

"No, but—"

"Have you perhaps discovered how to create yourself your own personal portal?"

"Well, _no;_ however—"

"Then how did you happen to just _find_ yourself in America?" Magnus concluded, glaring harder still and hearing just how irritated his voice had become. "Clearly you did not stumble here by accident, but—"

"I'm getting married, Magnus."

Magnus watched the contortion of Woolsey's face showing genuine remorse and concern, calmly sipping at his tea. What would he need to know about that for?

"He's... he's from California," Woolsey added, swallowing uncomfortably. "We're here to... to hand invitations out in person to some friends and family."

"Then you have a valid reason for finding yourself in America," Magnus said, staring him down.

"Magnus—"

"Was Elliot another one of my misplaced bouts of jealousy, Woolsey?" Magnus pressed on as the thought occurred to him, thinking of the guy who'd sat for Woolsey for a painting in their apartment and Magnus was adamant he could smell on the bedsheets after one such sitting. Magnus watched over the top of his teacup as Woolsey moved to shake his head in denial and then paused, changing it to a dejected nod.

"I—"

"And Nathan?" Magnus asked again. Nathan had been the brother of their neighbor in the apartment adjacent to his and Woolsey's. Magnus remembered coming home from work one evening and swearing he could hear Woolsey in that apartment making sounds only someone intimate with him should be able to recognize.

Woolsey had arrived in theirs about an hour later looking flushed, his hair on end, his shirt crooked, and his lips distinctly kiss-swollen. Woolsey had scoffed at Magnus' assumption and thrown himself straight into a shower, avoiding eye contact for the rest of the night telling Magnus he wouldn't put up with his foul mood.

Woolsey's hesitant pause then further nod of confirmation left Magnus feeling relieved more than anything else, glad to know it hadn't all been in his head.

"I am so sorry, Magnus."

"Does your fiancé know? What you are like?" Magnus asked then, eyes never leaving Woolsey's and enjoying the way his gaze seemed to be making him squirm.

"He does," Woolsey agreed, nodding fast, "we've both been... careless with the feelings of others in our pasts. But we're—"

"Happy?" Magnus suggested, raising an eyebrow.

"We're good together, Magnus," Woolsey said, soft and gentle as though he was frightened his words might break Magnus.

"I see."

"I'm so unbelievably sorry, Magnus. For everything. For cheating on you, for... for lying to you about it. For getting married—"

"It is of no consequence to me that you are getting married," Magnus scoffed. "The _arrogance_ of you, to believe I would still care."

Woolsey stared back as though he didn't believe him, leaving Magnus to shrug again in indifference. When he couldn't get Magnus to speak Woolsey ran a nervous hand through his hair and continued talking himself.

"We're... we have discussed everything about our pasts. When... Jacob proposed I said to him that I still felt terrible about the way I had treated you, and that I wanted to apologize for it. We've been back to America two or three times since; this is the first time I've plucked up the courage to come here and do it."

"I accept your apology for what occurred between us in the past," Magnus said then, briefly imagining how things might have turned out between them. He already knew they wouldn't have amounted to anything, but this latest development only confirmed it.

"You do?"

"Yes. And now that you have apologized," Magnus said, tilting his chin in the direction of the door, making his intention clear.

"Please, Magnus. Can't we... take a little time to catch each other up on our lives? It's been years."

The earnestness on Woolsey's face then Magnus thought anyone would have found hard to completely ignore. He reached for his phone to type a message to Alec to tell him in case he came in to Leaves and found Woolsey there. But then a customer walked in and Magnus was distracted with serving them for a few minutes, the phone abandoned on the shelf under the counter.

It was bizarre, Magnus reflected, a couple of hours later, with Woolsey having made himself well and truly at home on that counter stool as Magnus dealt with a sudden rush of customers, how rehashing memories with someone who was able to look back on them from a completely different viewpoint made them seem like entirely different experiences.

It was also bizarre, Magnus laughed to himself, looking back at Woolsey from where he was in the kitchen and seeing the face he'd fallen asleep next to countless times, how very self-absorbed he'd never noticed Woolsey being. The entire time he'd been sat there in Leaves—on _Alec's_ stool—he'd done little but speak about himself.

Magnus had always assumed seeing Woolsey again would churn up the pain and awfulness that was Woolsey leaving him, but looking at him then, Magnus genuinely realized he couldn't care less. His thoughts were already turned to more important things: getting the cafe ready for the book club; that key still firmly wedged in his pocket ready to give to Alec when they were alone later that evening; the barbecue Izzy and Clary were having at the weekend that he'd been invited to as though they already expected him to be there; and so many other small things that made up the sum of his life, made him whole.

As Magnus washed the few dishes that had accumulated with Woolsey's visit, he wondered how Alec's meeting with Luke had gone. He desperately hoped all of Alec's hard work would pay off, and that this _Luke_ would be able to support him in some way to do more of something Alec had taken to so naturally. Despite the sarcasm of Ragnor's words, his praise for Alec out of his earshot was at the very rare level of Ragnor being genuinely impressed. Magnus secretly planned on coming along to watch some of Alec's talks himself if he managed to convince Luke to let him do them.

"Magnus, dear, you have a customer."

Magnus rolled his eyes at Woolsey's pet name for him, already tired of hearing it, quickly washing his hands and straightening up the trays on the kitchen counter so that they weren't in danger of falling. Magnus pasted on a neutral smile expecting a customer, but instead found Alec standing there looking between Woolsey and himself repeatedly with more and more alarm written all over his face, making panic rise in his chest for it.

"Alexander—" he called out, but it was already to Alec's exiting back. Magnus grabbed his keys ready to run out after him, but as luck seemed set against him that day, the door swung open yet again with one woman pushing the door back to help another through with a large stroller, effectively cutting off Magnus' exit.

Magnus served them in a hurry, keeping himself professional yet silently urging them to hurry up, or Dot to arrive early, debating with himself whether to close the cafe altogether to go after Alec. Another customer came in and Magnus could have screamed; in between serving the new customer and blatantly ignoring Woolsey's repeated questioning, Magnus fired off the message he'd started earlier, adding an apology to it and telling himself both he and Alec were overreacting. But despite repeatedly checking his phone for a reply he didn't receive one back; Magnus threw himself dejectedly on to his stool and dropped his head into his hands, cursing at himself repeatedly.

"So. I shall ask for what must be the fifth time now," Woolsey said, sounding far too amused for Magnus' liking. "Who is _Alexander_?"

 _The love of my life?_ Magnus said to himself, _the reason I get up in the morning? Everything?_

"Magnus."

"The man I intend asking to move in with me this evening," Magnus replied, tired and defeated, and for the first time ever, resenting Book Night for getting in the way of his life.

* * *

Book Night came and went, with Magnus' customers not seeming to pick up on the urgency of his mood. Woolsey had left at the arrival of the first small group clutching their books and on the back of several stern scowls sent his way from Dot. Despite several checks of his phone and increasingly desperate messages sent to Alec, Magnus had heard nothing from him. His final hope that Alec might turn up anyway as they'd previously arranged was dashed with the final _goodnight_ of one of his regulars, with Magnus peering out into the rain-soaked street one final time before turning the closed sign and shutting the cafe door in defeat.

As Magnus swept the floors and gave a final wipe down of all of the cafe's surfaces, he went over explanation after explanation, knowing five minutes would be all it would take to make Alec understand, and rewording it until he'd driven himself half-crazy. With one last glance around Leaves, Magnus was turning up the collar of his jacket to shield him from the rain and locking up, walking the three blocks to get him to the taxi rank and heading for Izzy's house.

Finding the house in darkness had Magnus kicking himself, remembering too late that both Izzy and Clary were working late. And that if Alec needed to think, the first thing he would do is drive, or walk, or be anywhere but at home. Reluctant, Magnus mumbled to the driver giving him his own address instead and sent a message to Izzy, his eyes on the road for the entire drive on the off chance of seeing Alec in passing.

* * *

"What did you do?"

Barely through his front door, Magnus winced at Izzy's question as he answered the phone, though having his wits about him just enough to realize there was mirth and teasing in her voice.

"I may have—certain _circumstances_ may have given Alec the wrong impression about something," Magnus said, slumping down on the couch then standing immediately back up again to shrug out of his jacket, plucking mindlessly at the pillows as he sat back down. He listened to Izzy moving around at the other end of the call and presumed she was still at work, comforted when Chairman Meow and Church both clambered into his lap for attention.

"So, what happened?"

Magnus closed his eyes to compose himself then gave Izzy an abridged version of Woolsey's visit, that had ended with Woolsey asking that they keep in contact and Magnus adamantly declining the offer. Izzy groaned, and Magnus braced for her anger.

"Magnus. That's awful. I mean, your ex turning up out of the blue on you like that, and Alec walking in to find him there—talk about the worst timing."

"I know," Magnus agreed, pinching his eyes and replaying every way he could have done things differently. Even the silkiness of Chairman Meow's fur against his cheek as he purred in greeting wasn't quite enough to lift his mood.

"And obviously, you could have just prevented this by sending Alec a message about it earlier," Izzy added; Magnus slipped further down in the couch and screwed up his face, Church chirruping at him in protest for being jostled.

"And even _more_ obviously, here's the obligatory I will _hurt_ if you hurt my brother lecture."

Magnus unscrewed his eyes and sat up; Izzy sounded far too amused to be about to start berating him.

"Izzy—"

"I mean it; you're gonna make this up to Alec in ways that... I need to hear nothing about."

"I—"

"Magnus, _relax,_ " Izzy said, laughing; Magnus was sure he could hear her stretching and yawning, imagining her in her autopsy room. "He's probably driving around somewhere arguing with himself about overreacting, and not waiting to hear you out. It's what he does when he needs to think; just takes off and drives, or walks. It used to be that he'd go to a gym and spar it out, but that was when we were back in New York and he could do that with Jace."

Could things really be as uncomplicated as that?

"I mean, I hate it," Izzy added, "because he never answers his phone for hours sometimes. And I'm left there wondering if he's driven off a cliff or something—"

" _Isabelle—_ "

"There are no cliffs here for miles, Magnus; quit worrying."

The ease of Izzy's response went a little way to help him calm, but Magnus still couldn't help worrying about Alec being out there feeling alone thinking that Magnus had let him down. Magnus hated that idea, and even more that he couldn't do anything about it.

"If he does not contact me..." Magnus said, maneuvering out from under two squirming cats to get a drink, absently filling up their food bowls as he did.

"I'll make sure to tell him to, if I see him first. Stop worrying, Magnus," Izzy told him again, still sounding as though she was smiling. They spent another few minutes speaking, and when Magnus hung up he felt settled enough to _think_. He opened his laptop, answered some emails and scrolled through the news, then laid back on the couch to answer the messages from both Ragnor and Catarina that he'd been ignoring in favor of looking out for Alec's.

Weariness took over; Magnus forced himself up yet again and through a shower, determined not to worry when there were still no messages from Alec. He climbed into bed, reaching for the book on his nightstand and opening it, managing a couple of pages before falling asleep with the book landing flat on his chest.

Magnus startled awake, first believing it to be the weight of the book on him that had woken him, or that Chairman Meow and Church had clambered up to keep him company. He opened his eyes to find them both curled beside him, though then realized it was the vibration of his phone that had broken his sleep. With his heart in his mouth, Magnus snatched the phone up, seeing Izzy's name there and quickly sliding his thumb across to accept the call.

"Magnus. Get to the hospital."

* * *

Magnus always felt lost in hospitals, but then he supposed most people did; hall upon identical hall with signs that took him all the way in one direction only to have to turn around and head back the way he'd just come. Why all signs in hospitals tended to lead visitors to either the gift shop or cafeteria was always going to be an annoying mystery to him, but right now the only thing Magnus was doing battle with was keeping his panic under control as he continued his frantic search for the ward Izzy messaged to tell him Alec was on.

"Magnus! Hey."

Magnus spun on his heel on hearing Clary' voice, his eyes flitting over her face to see if that would tell him anything she might not have the strength to say.

"He's fine," she assured him, squeezing his arm and linking hers through his, leading Magnus along a hall. "I already punched Izzy—hard—for making you worry. You're not worried, are you?"

Magnus huffed at the concern in her voice and found himself walking even faster, propelling Clary forwards, even though he knew it was pointless since he didn't know where he was actually going.

"Okay, stupid question," Clary said, screwing her face up in apology. "So, honestly; I'll let him tell you the non-gory details, but; it's all superficial—"

"What's all _superficial_?" Magnus demanded, his voice rising a little higher.

"He's got a few scrapes, and bruises, and stuff—"

"What is _stuff_?"

"Just... just come see him, let him tell you himself," Clary urged again, dragging him along.

Clary led Magnus past a ward desk, where nurses who took one look at Clary and waved them through. Clary pulled him until they were outside the door of a private room, turning the handle though not opening it until she had checked Magnus was ready.

"Perks of his insurance, apparently," Clary told him, obviously taking in the surprised look on his face as he looked over the door, then back at the more public ward.

Squaring his shoulders Magnus nodded, vaguely making out both Izzy and Alec's voices and almost dropping to the floor with relief at hearing their familiar bickering that told him Alec really was okay. Magnus pushed the door open wide, and two tired-looking Lightwoods turned to look back at him, Izzy smiling and waving, and Alec looking a mixture of relieved to see him and embarrassed.

Without thinking Magnus crossed the room and bent down over Alec, kissing him hard.

"If you dare ever do... whatever you have done, again," Magnus threatened, unable to keep his voice from breaking, then carefully sat down on the edge of the bed. He took in the small grazes on the left side of Alec's face, carefully turning his head by his chin to see them better, then the dressing covering his arm that had him wince for the stickiness of the dressing pressed firm against his already delicate skin, and finally, the awkward angle of his free hand. The other was hooked up to a monitor that Clary was already noting down a reading of and removing.

"What happened?" Magnus asked, going to lift Alec's hand though stopping when he saw him flinch; Magnus turned his hand over to find his knuckles grazed and scuffed, and lifted it to kiss each of them in turn. For the vomiting noises Izzy was making Magnus glared over his shoulder, then turned his full focus back to Alec.

"I... you'll laugh," Alec said, screwing his face up and then grimacing for the obvious pain that caused. Magnus cleared his throat and arched an eyebrow, ready to argue if he needed to. "I was driving. When I... when I left the cafe—"

"When you left without allowing me to explain," Magnus amended, kissing the back of Alec's hand again, shaking his head.

"Yeah," Alec agreed, quiet and contrite, "then. And I... guess you maybe sent me some messages?"

"Several."

"I—I think I heard notifications for your messages, but I was driving, so—"

"Alec—"

"I might have lost it. My phone I mean," Alec amended, peering around Magnus to glare at Izzy, who raised her arms up in a comic attempt at defense though continued to mumble things under her breath that Magnus had no interest in trying to work out.

"Essentially, I went for a drive. I was out on the highway for a good couple of hours. The gas got low. I filled up. Stopped at a diner for something to eat. Thought I'd sit out the rain, which is when I realized I must have taken my phone out of my pocket when I filled up."

"Good thing it's an old prepaid thing, right? It's about time you got an upgrade," Izzy added, ducking her head away when Magnus turned to glare at her again.

"Anyway," Alec continued, squeezing Magnus' fingers. "I figured you'd be done reading in Leaves, and would have already gone home. So I thought maybe I'd head there too, so we could... talk and stuff—"

"And _stuff_ ," Izzy muttered behind them, this time snorting and backing away from Alec and Magnus' joint glare for her.

"And then the rain got worse. I had to go down a couple of streets I didn't recognize. I got lost; ended up on the wrong side of town."

"It gets better," Izzy called out; Magnus resisted the urge to shout at her to be quiet.

"So, I was turning the car around, barely could see a thing. And I was driving along this little... I don't even know what it was, but this huge, huge cat sprang out of nowhere, and I—I swerved to miss it and... and—"

"And he tipped the car down a verge and couldn't get out," Izzy finished for him, sounding thoroughly unconcerned. In fact, when Magnus turned his head he saw Izzy looking down at Alec and rolling her eyes. His stomach knotted painfully for Izzy seeming so callous, crowding a little closer to Alec for needing to feel him safe, and whole.

"It was flooded," Alec protested; Magnus' heart skipped at the thought of Alec being trapped, his hands up and over Alec's arms gently checking for even more signs of injury. But Izzy just laughed again, and before Magnus could call her out for being cruel, Alec was groaning and laughing at himself, raising his free hand to hide his eyes behind.

"Not even a foot of water," Izzy told Magnus when he looked at her, shaking her head again. "This idiot was trying to climb out without getting his feet wet, slipped and fell and banged his head, then clawed his way up the side of the verge and passed out at the top—almost got himself run over from the sound of it."

"I could have got hypothermia," Alec protested but it was half-hearted; Magnus turned back to him to see him attempting to wince yet again.

"You were out there less than ten minutes, Alec."

"It's long enough to—"

"It's like, fifty out," Izzy added, raising an incredulous eyebrow. "Not like you were going to freeze to death."

"Did you know this when you called me, Izzy?" Magnus asked then, hearing Alec's attempt at laughter as he turned his head to glower at Izzy. His blood rushed in his ears for how furious he was with her. How could she even _think_ to be so dismissive about something like this?

Izzy swallowed awkwardly, her eyes wide as she darted between Alec and Magnus before dropping her gaze, unable to keep eye contact. "Sort of?"

"What does, _sort of_ , mean, Izzy?" Magnus demanded, growling the words out. To his side, Alec snorted and gave his hand a placating squeeze, mumbling to tell him he was okay.

"It _means_ Izzy has some making up to do for picking a bad time to be _joking_ , is what it means," Clary said, glaring across the bed at her wife, rolling her eyes at Alec, and smiling at Magnus in sympathy. "Welcome to the family; this idiotic behavior between the two of them means they _like_ you. Just wait until Jace comes to visit; it'll only get worse."

Magnus grit his teeth and closed his eyes, telling himself to calm as he stood up. He could _not_ lash out like he wanted to, it was not his place to reprimand anyone. But how on earth could Izzy think any of this was okay, or funny? How could she even _joke_ by implying something more serious had happened to Alec when she'd called him earlier? With strength he didn't know he had, Magnus squeezed Alec's hand and gave Clary as soft a smile as he could manage, turning once again to glare at Izzy.

"Your brother means _everything_ to me, Isabelle. _Everything_. And to think that you would joke about—"

"But—"

" _Out_."

Magnus stamped across the room swinging the door open, refusing to look at Izzy as he pointed for her to leave. Though he was sure he could feel the way she looked to Alec for support, watching as Alec just gave her a pinched smile and shook his head. Magnus continued to stare at Alec as Izzy walked towards the door with Clary in tow, jolting when Clary squeezed his arm in passing and ignoring Izzy's mumbled, _I'm sorry._ Even hearing Clary's _I told you, you went too far_ out in the hall did nothing to placate him. Magnus shut and locked the door behind them, making himself take a deep breath, then crossed the room back to Alec's bed, collapsing on to the side of it and wrapping him up in a relieved hug.

* * *


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***warnings***
> 
> This is going to be a difficult chapter. Please see the notes at the end before reading.

**Alec**

"Anyway," Alec said, swallowing with difficulty when Magnus pulled back to look at him. How was he supposed to talk to him now?

Magnus stared at him unmoving for a moment, then without warning pitched forward once more, one hand around his jaw to angle Alec how he wanted him and the other gently cradling the back of his head. He kissed him thoroughly and thankfully, as though full of relief that he was able to. Alec hated the thought that he'd worried him so much.

"I mean it. Do not do that again," Magnus told him when he pulled back a couple of inches to stare him down. Alec swallowed hard for the intensity of it but nodded, slowly raising his hands to cup Magnus' face and pull him back in for another kiss.

"I promise. The next time I see a cat—"

"You will attempt to avoid it by some other means than driving into a _ditch_ ," Magnus finished for him, raising an eyebrow and pinning him in place with his look. "Besides. The next time you see a _cat_ will be very soon. You're coming home with _me_. I have it on good authority that both Chairman Meow and Church are missing a lap to sleep on."

Alec nodded, dropping his hand again to squeeze through Magnus' fingers and shifted a little in the bed to make more room for him to sit.

"I'm... sorry about before; I shouldn't have stormed out like that," Alec told him then, finding the words he'd been rehearsing long before his nose-first dive into that ditch.

"And I apologize that I did not finish the message I was attempting to send you when Woolsey arrived to tell you he was there," Magnus replied, looking contrite himself. "He was uninvited. I had no knowledge of him coming."

"I know," Alec agreed quickly, because of course he knew that; for all of his occasional spikes of jealousy, Alec trusted Magnus implicitly. His overreaction was a kneejerk one that he knew he'd have to learn to control.

Magnus sighed and leaned in again to kiss him with an urgency that said he couldn't get enough, perching on the edge of Alec's hospital bed and wriggling to get more comfortable. When he was settled he told Alec of Woolsey's visit, confirming without needing to say the actual words that Alec had absolutely nothing to worry about at all.

"I can... I could understand if it upset you that he's getting married now," Alec mumbled, squeezing his hand in solidarity.

"I am neither happy nor sad to hear the news," Magnus said, smiling at him. "His life is of no consequence to me anymore. That he would assume I would care after all this time is confounding."

The tiny squeeze of doubt that'd had hold of Alec's heart released; Alec moved to claim himself yet another kiss then dropped his forehead into the crook of Magnus' neck.

"I, uh... I had a panic attack in that ditch." The steady rising and falling of Magnus' shoulder coupled with a soothing hand on his back gave Alec the courage to keep going. "It was... I think it was the car being out of control part of it. The car... I couldn't stop it sliding. And I kept thinking... what would happen if the ditch was deeper and the car started sinking? What if I couldn't climb out? What if..." but then Alec's voice gave out on him, and he found himself feeling so stupid he was lost for what to say.

Magnus' arms shifted to wrap around him, fingers through the back of his hair and repeated kisses to the side of his face. But Magnus kept quiet, seeming to understand Alec needed the space to talk it out.

"I hate it, Magnus. I used to—I used to go in to burning buildings for fucksake. And now, every little thing. Every time I feel out of my depth, I just... panic. I _hate_ it. And I hate that I keep being told it's normal, when it's not. It's not _my_ normal."

Alec pressed himself tighter into Magnus' embrace and sighed out hard against his shoulder, closing his eyes. Magnus continued holding on to him in silence. The peace of it lulled Alec into relaxing, turning his head to press grateful kisses into Magnus' neck.

"Alexander. I am here for you. I won't tell you that everything is okay, that everything is going to be fine. But I will tell you, that I am here. I intend to always be here, if you will allow me to be."

Tears pricked in the corners of Alec's eyes out of nowhere, leaving him holding on to Magnus even tighter, not feeling like he could get close enough.

"Can I tell you something, Magnus?" he asked, mumbling it into Magnus' neck and following it up with kisses.

"Always."

Magnus' patient tone helped Alec find the strength to pull back, slotting his fingers through Magnus'. He leaned into the gentleness of Magnus flattening his hair and trailing his fingers down his jaw before dropping them again. Alec stared back at Magnus, debating with himself how to start this, trying and failing to find the right words to get his burden out.

"I... I never told you the whole story about the fire."

Magnus continued blinking back at him, still giving him the room to talk. Alec found himself swallowing back unshed tears, needing some time before he could trust himself to speak.

"I was off duty. I got the call a few minutes away from home. I was dreading going home, actually; Jace and I had just been out to dinner, catching up away from work because we'd been on opposite shifts for months. He was taking a vacation with some friends from school, so after dinner, I dropped him at the airport, and headed back. Taking my time; Dad was at his worst. He'd—he'd gotten too weak by then. He looked so _old_. So frail. Which didn't stop him drinking, obviously."

Alec pictured his once clean apartment and its growing gloomy, dirty interior the longer his dad stayed with him. He tried to keep it clean, to at least get his dad to take out all the bottles and cans he worked through. But every time he came off shift it was to a mess he was too tired to deal with, promising himself he'd clean once he'd slept a little. Which rarely worked; there was always some crisis with his dad around.

Magnus squeezed his hand as though to remind Alec he was there, and Alec squeezed back gratefully, focusing his eyes down on their entangled fingers.

"Anyway. I got the call, and at first, I was sort of relieved; I'd take a burning building over any kind of time with my dad by then. I mean, I wasn't ever going to leave my dad; not with the state he was in. I doubt he could do much of anything for himself by that point. But I was really wishing for a new life by then."

"I apologize, Alec; I was under the impression that you had lost your father sometime before the fire?"

The flinch that went through Alec was like the crack of a whip; phantom smoke burned his eyes, nostrils and throat, the acrid smell of burning seeming to fill his hospital room.

"I got the call; it was the Chief who called me, actually. He—he called _me_... because the bar that'd gone up in flames... it—it was his... Dad's usual..."

"Oh, Alec..." Magnus called softly, gripping him tight as realization sank in for what Alec was about to tell him.

"I... I ended up being first on site, you know? The bar was in staggering distance from my place and opened later than any other bar, so, you know. It was perfect for him. It was the exact kind of bar that no one would expect to find the great _Robert Lightwood_."

"You don't need to—"

"The smoke was already pouring out of the building when I got there," Alec said, feeling like he was back there reliving it all again.

Smoke billowing out of cracked windows, patrons of the bar standing in a daze outside, or staggering out of the double-fronted doorway where only one of the doors actually opened. He'd cuffed his sleeve over his mouth and ducked down low to crouch his way in to look beneath that billowing smoke, hearing the bottles breaking inside followed by what sounded like small explosions every time the flammable liquor caught. There were voices still inside, and hearing them made Alec speed up, standing up too quickly and sucking in a lungful of smoke, doubled over and coughing and spluttering, forcing himself to control his breathing.

The layout of the bar was a deathtrap; far too many tables crammed in tight, screwed down to the floor and meaning anyone wanting to sit at a table had to essentially climb in. With the electrics gone and the smoke making the tiny room dark as midnight not really helped by it already being evening and dark outside, anyone trying to escape would have had to just try to feel their way out.

The serving bar itself was in the center of the wall to the right with the kitchen behind that and to a corner. A delivery pallet left there took up valuable floor space; it had already been thick with grime, and in the bar for as long as Alec had been coming to the bar to collect his dad. If Alec hadn't been already over-familiar with the layout of the bar because of the countless times he'd been there, he'd probably have been just as lost as those few people still making their way out after hearing Alec's barked instructions that meant he was sucking in even more smoke as he shouted.

A wailing to his left had Alec turning; one older woman in her haste to climb out of her seat when so inebriated had broken her leg. Alec unwound the limb from where it had tangled around the table and gritted his teeth against the feel of broken bone beneath the surface of skin, then pulled her free, having to drag her out because the woman was too drunk to walk. People outside pulled her from his arms and helped rip the other door open, and someone had rustled up a flashlight that they held, pointing it back into the bar to help Alec look as he went back in.

As Alec had been fearing from the moment he'd arrived outside the bar, his dad's usual seat was occupied. Alec took in the figure slumped down over the table and felt sick, making his way across the room stepping on broken bottles and weaving through the furniture mostly blind, tripping over what he realized later was a body, not yet acknowledging the heat of the room that made his skin feel molten in places. But as Alec reached his dad, confirmed it was him from recognizing the back of his jacket where he laid over the table, Alec heard a scream for help coming from the direction of the bar.

The one exit next to the serving hatch was already aflame, fire licking up the walls and eating wood and liquor and anything in its path. Because of the typical clientele of the bar, there was only one section of it where customers could actually get served; screaming and trying to climb his way out and over it was David, the bartender who usually called Alec every time his dad became too much to handle.

Torn, Alec pressed a hand to his dad's back telling himself he was still breathing, then rushed forward for David, helping pull him free and over the bar. A cracking sound blasted at them to the side immediately leaving David crying out, flames beginning to wick up the back of his clothes.

Alec smothered the flames as best he could then carried him out over his shoulders, David too weak from smoke inhalation to do much but wheeze. As Alec returned, another crate of alcohol exploded adding more fuel to the fire. He Alec had just enough time to cover his face to protect it from the shards of glass flying at him, stumbling backward with the force of the heat blasting against his chest.

A rumbling sound seemed to rock the entire floor then, and that already terrifying wall of flame grew taller still, licking up over his head and dripping things down on to Alec, who was still too charged with adrenaline to really feel much of what was happening. The fire bulged out then, and Alec dived to the left to avoid it, effectively blocking off his only exit. He climbed over tables and chairs to get back to his Dad, dragging him to his feet, bracing and shifting until he could get him up on his shoulders.

Another blast flared behind him; this time Alec could feel the flames licking at his back. The pain of it dislodged his dad from his grasp, and Alec collapsed under his weight. Alec gasped and clawed at his throat for breath while reaching behind him, trying to grip on to his Dad's jacket to pull him along. One final crash behind him had Alec scrambling to his feet, his fist tight in his dad's jacket collar, pulling until they were outside. He collapsed in a heap just outside the entrance and knew no more until he'd woken up in the hospital the following day, with Izzy peering down at him looking terrified.

"They told me he'd died of smoke inhalation," Alec said then as he came back to the present, closing his eyes and feeling his tears leaking furiously down his face. "And I have to ask myself... if I'd have... if I'd have been just a few seconds quicker. If I'd have gotten him out first. If I'd have—"

"You saved people that night, Alec," Magnus interrupted, leaning and nuzzling into Alec's neck, "two people. Probably more. You could not have done any more."

"I could've saved three," Alec denied, shaking his head, blinking at the relentless fall of his tears yet doing nothing to hide them. "And to this day... I don't know if I'd... If I was so blinded by my dad being there, that I could've... that I could've saved the others that died in there as well."

"Alexander," Magnus said, shaking him lightly, "please. Please listen to me."

Alec took a deep breath, still shaking his head. "I can't, Magnus, I can't—"

"Alec," Magnus said again, firmer and this time with a nudge against Alec's cheek with his forehead asking him to look up. When he did, Magnus was diving straight in to kiss him, wrapping his arms tight around Alec's neck until the tremble rippling through him had calmed.

"I can't know. I can't know if I could've—"

"Alec. You will not like the word, but you are a hero; you are. As for your father, you are the expert here I am sure, but is it not true that smoke inhalation can be equally deadly to the actual fire itself? Is it... is it not more likely that your father had inhaled that much smoke by then... that perhaps the reason he was laid on the table was because he was already—"

"I can't know that, Magnus," Alec protested, shaking his head, the wisdom of Magnus' words not getting through to him for all those accusatory voices screaming at him that this was all his fault.

"Listen to me, Alexander," Magnus tried again, pleading in his voice. "Your father died in a tragic accident. He died; and I am so very sorry, Alec. But you cannot—you must not blame yourself for his death. You almost died yourself going back in for him. You almost died, Alec."

"Maybe I should have..."

The way Magnus' eyes blew wide the second the words were out of Alec's mouth had his heart plummeting. It was one of the few thoughts Alec had firmly kept from him, knowing saying the words out loud would show the true depths of despair he got himself into at times. Admitting it would send Magnus running far away for sure. It was selfish, Alec told himself in that moment with self-hatred swirling so hard within him then that it was like he had serpents writhing within his gut. Selfish to cling on to Magnus like he had any right to be with him.

"I should've told you. I should've... I should've warned you what I was like."

"What, Alec? What are you like?" Magnus asked, with a hard grip around Alec's forearm that anchored him there, making Alec feel even more selfish all over again.

"Maybe," he replied, swallowing against the splinters of dryness that were in his throat, "maybe I should've told you. How much of a waste of space I really am. A waste of _air_. Instead of fooling you into thinking I was worth even a second of your time."

Alec watched the steady rise and fall of Magnus' chest, saw the grim set of his mouth, closed his eyes and felt tears rolling down his cheeks at the gentleness of Magnus' kiss to his forehead, then braced himself for goodbye. Instead, Magnus nudged ever closer to Alec until they were pressed together tightly, Magnus wrapping him in his arms and holding on with a tension that told Alec he had no plans of letting go.

"Tell me, Alec. Tell me what is going on in that head of yours. Please let me in," Magnus mumbled into his temple then dropped a kiss to his cheek and buried his forehead into Alec's neck, holding him steady. Alec was lost for words, but the weight of Magnus pressed around him gave him untold strength; Alec gave a delicate roll of his shoulders so he didn't jostle Magnus too much then slid his hands around his back, closing his eyes and leaning his head against Magnus'.

"I never—I never used to be like this, you know? I mean... I mean I guess I always hated myself—"

Alec stopped at the indignant shimmer Magnus gave at his words, a new flood of tears springing from his eyes. "But I never... I never had any ideas about hurting myself in any way; I don't even feel like that now. I just... sometimes... some days it just feels like... it feels like there's no point in even waking up. I don't—I don't do anything with my life, Magnus."

Alec paused to wipe a furious hand across his tears, taking a deep breath, then carrying on. "The truth is... well, the truth is when they told me Dad was dead, I... I can't even lie and say I felt numb about it. I wasn't sad; I was _relieved_. Hell, Magnus; I was _happy_ about it. I felt like—I felt like I was free for the first time in my entire life; what kind of son thinks that about his own dad, huh? What kind of a person does that make me, Magnus?"

"It makes you a kind, wonderful man, who dedicated years to caring for a father who had caused his own fall from grace. That you put your life on hold to take care of a man who had forgotten how to take care of himself. And from the sound of things, who had given up; who was leaning on you far, far too much. That is all it means, Alec. That is all it means."

Magnus' words had Alec gripping tighter around him, shaking his head hard and finding it impossible to believe them. And as though Magnus knew what he was thinking he repeated them, punctuating his repetition with frequent kisses into his neck and shoulder.

When Alec had calmed a little, he found the strength to continue speaking. "All I could think of was that maybe... maybe I'd purposely left him too long, instead of getting him out when I should have. That maybe—I mean, I don't remember thinking it at the time, but... but what if I stood there in that bar and decided it was time for him to go? That it'd make my life so much better if he just died there, and I didn't have to think about him anymore? What if—"

"You have just speculated also that by not saving your father, you could have saved the other people in that bar who did not make it outside; both cannot be true at the same time," Magnus pointed out, and at the bluntness of it Alec flinched, attempting to back away from him. Magnus allowed him to go so far, and then that vice grip of his was back, this time to both of his forearms as Magnus pinned him with a glare that told Alec he'd have to listen whether he liked what he was about to say to him or not.

" _What ifs_ are cruel, Alexander. _What ifs_ do nothing but make us doubt ourselves. Do not doubt this: your father did this to himself, nobody else. He chose to go to that bar that day. He chose to drink himself into a stupor that probably had him asleep against that table. It is likely that he was oblivious to the entire situation; you cannot blame yourself for any of that—"

"But I _do_ , Magnus. Maybe I made him like that—"

"Alexander," Magnus said, squeezing harder and looking as though he wanted to shake Alec in his frustration at him, "Alec. Your father was... overwhelmed with all the losses that he had brought on _himself._ His coping mechanism was to drink, and feel sorry for himself, and to stop trying. He reached for alcohol instead of reaching for actual help, Alexander; I know I never met the man, but it seems from what you have told me that he gave up on everything long ago. No one is to blame for what happened to him but _him_. And perhaps the bar; I am sure from what you have told me of the hazards in the building—"

"They paid us off," Alec interrupted, grimacing at the memory of having the money put in his account and feeling so guilty for it. Magnus' frown had Alec nodding to himself and pulling back from the grip of Magnus' hands around his arms, only for Magnus to snag his fingers up and hold on to them instead. "The bar. The... people that died. Their families. They paid us all off so we wouldn't—so we wouldn't sue. Izzy stopped speaking to Dad the day that last scandal about his _dalliances_ broke. Jace refused to have anything more to do with him after seeing all the pain he'd caused Mom. And Max is so young, so... so anything Dad left—anything for Dad... all of it came to me. Mom didn't want it, didn't really have any right to any of it by then anyway, what with them being divorced. And I felt... I felt so bad for that; gaining from him dying and all, I—"

"You gave your life to care for him, Alec," Magnus argued back and denying him the thought, leaning in to give him a brief kiss. "In no way can money ever bring back a life; even one as terrible as your father's was in the end. But you have done nothing wrong here, Alec. Not at all."

"I kept thinking maybe I—maybe I'm just such a waste, maybe it'd have been better if I'd have... if I'd have taken his place in that damn fire. That I—"

"You will listen to me, Alexander," Magnus said, cutting him off with an insistent press of a kiss to his lips and a hard grip of his hands. "Your life is not a waste. _You_ are not a waste. You give... so much. You _are_ so much. You deserve happiness, Alec; you deserve to have good things happen to you. You have had such terrible experiences. But they are behind you now. Do not let them drag you to a hell you do not deserve to be in."

"I try, Magnus," Alec protested, but it was weak; it wasn't that he didn't fight the way he found himself feeling sometimes, but in that very moment clawing his way out of those feelings felt impossible.

"I know you do," Magnus agreed quickly, kissing him again and giving him a smile so loaded with pride that Alec felt tears pricking in his eyes all over again. "But perhaps... perhaps you need some assistance with that. I will do all that I can; I am going nowhere. But perhaps you... perhaps you should consider—"

"What if I don't deserve any help? What if... what if I get help and I'm just not worth it, huh, Magnus? What if I try counseling, or whatever, and I'm just like I am now after all of that, just as I am now? I'd have wasted not only my own time, but that of—"

"Alec," Magnus protested, his voice cracking and making Alec feel guilty all over again, "I will tell you this repeatedly until you listen to me. You are not a waste. You are not; you are so important; to me, to Izzy. Clary, Maia... I could continue to list all of the people who would be devastated without you in their world. But until you realize how important you are for yourself..."

Magnus dropped his head then, and Alec's heart plummeted yet again for seeing the brightness of Magnus' eyes when he lifted his head back up to look at him.

"I would be lost without you, Alec. Perhaps it is selfish to tell you that, to focus on my fear of losing you when it is you that you need to be well for. But it is true; I love you so very much. I can't—I cannot imagine living a life without you in it now. You have spoilt me, Alec. You have spoilt me for any other kind of existence."

Magnus' soothing circling of his hand on Alec's back and whispered reassurances into his hair was the thing that broke him. Alec clung tight to the back of Magnus' jacket sobbing into his neck, allowing Magnus to rock him back and forth until he was all out of tears.

When the tremors had lessened Alec tried to duck down, to look away, embarrassed by the state his face must be in. Magnus was having none of it though; with two fingers beneath his chin Magnus gently pushed his head up to look at him, wiping away Alec's tears himself. He pressed soft kisses over his eyes and his tear-stained cheeks before sweetly claiming his mouth and then wrapping him up in a tight hug.

"I'm a mess," Alec blurted out a little later, pressing his forehead once more into Magnus' shoulder then sitting back up, pulling away from him. "But I'll try, Magnus. I'll try... I'll try and get over this. I—"

"You are not a mess," Magnus argued, shaking his head.

"Feel like I am. I've been... I've been so good lately, with the—with the school, Luke; all of it. But I'm still not okay. I mean. I can sleep now, but I still can't switch off my thoughts. Can't... stop thinking sometimes. I overreact, blow things out of proportion. I know _Izzy_ was hard work today—"

"Your _sister_ …" Magnus grumbled, his expression becoming furious again. Alex kissed him for it, knowing Izzy would already be feeling awful. Not that it justified her making Magnus worry so much, of course.

"Yeah, but she's… this is how she deals with things she doesn't know how to deal with. She won't sleep tonight either, because of _me_."

"She has Clary," Magnus told him softly, "they will both be okay. They will."

"They saw me at my worst, Magnus. They did. And I've been so much better. But I keep panicking all the time when I—when I'm anything like out of my depth. I keep dreaming of that damn fire like I'm still right in the middle of it—"

"If you will not allow the explanation of your reactions being _normal_ , will you allow that this is your mind—and body's way of recovering?" Magnus asked, reaching to grip Alec's shoulder.

"I mean... that makes sense," Alec said, because it did, and he knew he'd be saying the same thing to anyone else who was feeling like this. But it didn't fit, didn't seem right to be thinking that of himself.

Magnus seemed to be reading his mind then because he rolled his eyes and gave him a tired smile, reaching his hands up to cup Alec's face and pull him into a kiss.

"Alec. Normal or not normal. Mess, or no mess. You are _my_ mess. And I love you, so, so much," Magnus told him, solemn and serious and punctuated with kisses.

"You do?" Alec asked, unable to keep the hope from his voice.

"Of course I do."

"You know I love you too, right?"

Magnus smiled, and nodded. "I do."

"So… you can do something for me?" Alec smiled, nuzzling against him and breathing him in, sighing as though all the weight of the world had been on his shoulders until then.

"Anything," Magnus agreed, and leaned in to kiss him once again.

"Good. Then maybe you can help me get out of here, huh?"

"When you are rested," Magnus promised, leaning in for a final kiss and then standing. Alec reached out in protest at his leaving, but Magnus was already across the room, picking up the room's solitary chair and moving it closer to him. "You should attempt to rest, at least; I'll stay here."

"You can't sleep in a chair all night, Magnus—" he began protesting, cut off with the pointed look Magnus sent in the direction of the window.

"It is already light outside. It is early morning."

"Not for me, it isn't," Alec replied, reaching out and grabbing hold of Magnus' hand. Magnus stood still, sighed hard, and raised his shoulders in a shrug.

"Then, what would you suggest?"

Hesitating only for a second, Alec scooted over in the bed and rolled on to his side, patting the now empty space beside him. "Climb on in."

"It's too small," Magnus said as he shook his head, laughing, which it probably was; not that Alec cared at all about that. "You could fall, and—"

"So hold on to me," Alec cut him off with, flicking back the blanket and looking up at Magnus in hope.

Magnus grinned back at him, shrugged out of his jacket and stepped out of his shoes, nimbly sliding in the bed and pulling Alec into his arms.

* * *

_**Three months later...** _

"Ragnor came to see me this morning."

Alec turned his head to the side and squeezed Magnus' hand, waiting to see if he was going to continue talking.

"He likes the new pie," Magnus added, and Alec watched the way Magnus' lips curved up into a smile, feeling powerless to resist leaning in and kiss his cheek.

"That's the first sensible thing I think I've heard about Ragnor," Alec replied, lifting his arm and looping it around Magnus' waist, tugging him closer.

"He wants the four of us—you and I, with him and Catarina—to go to dinner on Friday. Apparently, the menu at this new restaurant is _sublime_ ," Magnus added, lifting his hand to cup around Alec's jaw and angle him for a kiss. Alec went willingly and seconds later was turning, slotting his arms around Magnus' waist, pulling him to the side of the path they were walking through the park so they wouldn't be interrupted.

Alec could lose hours like this, pressed up against Magnus and kissing him as though there was nothing else he ever needed to be doing; the contented little noises Magnus was making made Alec think he must be feeling pretty much the same. And now that he'd officially moved into Magnus' they had all the time in the world to be together however they wanted. Alec smiled against Magnus' lips as he pulled away, sighing into the hug that replaced it.

The day after the incident with the ditch, after Izzy had dropped them both off at Magnus' apartment, Magnus had unceremoniously pressed a key into his hand and dragged him to bed. "I want you to live here," Magnus had told him having already cleared closet space and bought in so many of Alec's favorite things. Alec's few possessions had already blended in with Magnus', and the cats had long claimed Alec as their own.

"Is that okay with you? Dinner?" Magnus asked when they pulled back and resumed their walk; Alec took a second to remember what they'd been talking about and grabbed his hand again, shaking his head.

"Of course. Is it a special occasion, or—"

"Ragnor received confirmation that he will be the new head of department."

"That's great news," Alec said, raising Magnus' hand to kiss the back of it. "Should I message him?"

"Not yet," Magnus assured him, nudging into his side. "I think he is too busy celebrating by himself currently."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Did I ever mention, Alexander, that Ragnor is excessively fond of stationery? Notepads, new pens, box files?"

"Uh, no."

"Well. Ragnor is _celebrating_ by spending what is probably a month's salary on all these things that he already has an apartment full of."

"Along with all those swords?" Alec asked, laughing.

"Of course. Which reminds me," Magnus added, smoothing his hand down Alec's chest. "Ragnor's is one place we should _not_ arrange to have dinner at when your brother arrives."

"Jace will love you," Alec promised, knowing that was the truth as well. He hadn't seen Jace in person since he'd left New York, even if they did message frequently and called each other at least once a week to catch up. Jace would be driving down the following weekend to stay at Izzy and Clary's, and was talking about little else but meeting Magnus. Alec had no doubt at all that Jace would wind him up but would thoroughly approve. Though he did secretly hope Jace would go easy on Magnus. After Izzy's idea of a joke when he'd ended up in hospital, Alec was sure Magnus had dealt with all the _fun_ his siblings could throw at him.

"I hope so," Magnus said, smiling shyly at him and making Alec's chest swell with affection.

"Guaranteed."

"When do you think you will hear back from Luke?" Magnus asked then, smiling at a passing dog and bending to pat it on the head.

"Could be a week, could be a month," Alec replied, schooling in his own impatience at not being able to do anything. They had submitted their proposal for funding after weeks of collaboration between them; all they could do now was sit and wait. "Bureaucracy for funding a new post can apparently take ages even if all the paperwork is submitted. Luke wants me to start getting all the certification and stuff done sooner rather than later, but since I'm not even officially on the staff yet, he can't pay for it; either I pay for it out of my own pocket and hope they reimburse me, or I wait."

"You can prepare yourself in other ways," Magnus pointed out, smiling at Alec as though he really believed he could do anything. "You are already reading all the material you can on the legislation and procedures; you have spoken to a trainer at your gym and begun an exercise program that will ensure you pass any medicals you are required to take."

"Raphael already has all my stuff on file to do the background checks," Alec added, nodding to himself at his mental checklist. "And they... the psych evaluation I did at my last assessment for all this," Alec said, raising his arm as he did, "they said I was okay to work. Can't discriminate for mental, uh, problems."

"No, they cannot; and you are doing all you can to deal with those as well," Magnus told him firmly, squeezing his hand. Magnus was right; after that night in the hospital, Alec had finally caved, and though reluctant about it had started seeing a therapist. Having a neutral person to talk to about the mess inside his head was nowhere near as terrifying as Alec had always presumed it would be; in fact, it was sort of liberating.

"I'm ticking all the boxes," Alec smiled, taking a moment to glance around him and breath deep, enjoy the peace of their lazy afternoon. And with Magnus by his side he didn't feel self-conscious in his knee-length shorts and long-sleeved t-shirt needed to protect his still-sensitive skin from the sun, when everyone else around them was wandering about half-dressed because of the uncharacteristic heat. He had on a factor of sunscreen that until he'd been burned Alec had never even known existed, and if he couldn't tan, there were still certain benefits to the hot weather. Magnus shirtless as often as possible, for a start.

Izzy's weekend barbecues usually found Alec at the grill, with Izzy, Clary, and Magnus stretched out on sun loungers and blankets on the grass, and Alec receiving crass commentary from Izzy for getting distracted by so much of Magnus' skin being on display.

"You are," Magnus agreed, and the prideful smile he gave Alec then caught his breath, reining his thoughts in from wandering.

"We have games night on Thursday," Alec reminded him then, as a woman passing them made him think of Maia.

"We do; I promised Raphael that I would take some tea for the wife of one of his colleagues. Though he says it's more like the Exorcist than morning sickness, and she's only two months gone."

Alec agreed, laughing and wondering when Izzy and Clary might consider having children. "Then I hope the tea is helpful."

"Me too."

"Let's see," Alec said then, wrinkling his eyes up in memory. "Ginger, raspberry leaf, and mint. Am I right?"

Magnus rewarded him for being correct with a squeeze of his fingers and a delighted, surprised smile. "Have you been watching me work?"

Alec squeezed back, finding it impossible to not answer with a beam of his own. "Yes, Magnus; you are _exceptionally pleasant to look at,_ after all," Alec told him thinking back on an early conversation between them that felt almost another lifetime ago. He earned himself the gift of Magnus getting so flustered he couldn't retort. "Besides. You have a tea for just about everything, right, Magnus?" Alec teased, nudging softly against his shoulder.

"Perhaps I should be writing a tea recipe book rather than a novel if that is true."

"Hey," Alec chided, pulling him into the circle of his arm again, "you said it yourself; submitting manuscripts takes forever. You've had what; six short stories published now? And that chapbook you did of your poems went in like, seconds last week, you know it did."

Magnus beamed at him, leaning in to steal a kiss. "Well. I am sure your artwork for it was a contributing factor to its success. And I was not suggesting that I was giving up; I was merely saying—"

"It's a thought though," Alec mused, more to himself than to Magnus, "not a recipe book. But your writing, Magnus. Your writing's _good_. And I know you're working on something right now. Which I _love_."

Magnus had shown Alec a little of the story he was currently working on, or rather, reworking. As he had been the first time Magnus had shared his writing, Alec was hooked, already asking for more.

"But as well as that. Maybe you should start a blog. You could start a blog about Leaves... you could promote all those local suppliers you keep talking about, about them being sustainable and helping the environment. You could advertise your book club nights, maybe get even more people in. You could... I don't know. Start mixing and shipping the tea yourself if you wanted, sell it online, start some Twitter wars with your rivals; not that anyone makes tea like you do."

Magnus' mouth curled with his effort to stop his smile from taking over his face. "You often accuse me of reading your mind, yet you have just listed a number of potential ideas I had considered to include for the creation of a blog. I was going to ask Maia about it tomorrow, in fact."

"Great minds think alike then, huh? Maia'll be... you know how Maia will be," Alec said, already imagining her reaction.

" _Giddy_."

"And I'll draw anything you want for it, Magnus, whatever you want, if you want it. If you think it'll help."

"I would love that." Magnus smiled at Alec then as though he'd given him something far bigger than an offer of artwork, before his eyes crinkled up with tease. "I would be honored to have _therealclarkkent_ drawing for my cafe."

Alec groaned, the heat of his blush flaring on his cheeks enough to make him reach his free hand up to rub over them. Maia's dedicated page on her store blog for his artwork had attracted a surprising amount of interest; at least, it was surprising to Alec. Even more surprising was that Maia had set him up a Twitter account, and that he'd actually got himself some followers; a fact that Maia pinned solely on him for being _pretty_. She had taken a picture of him when he'd been drawing in her store and immediately posted it on just about all the social media she could get her hands on. Alec's follower numbers had spiked instantly, and Magnus' responses to some of the Tweets that Alec had received still made Alec grin for thinking about.

"I'd be honored that you'd even let me."

"I am proud of you, Alec; so proud," Magnus said then, with a quiet urgency in his voice as he turned Alec to him making his heart skip.

"And I'm excited for you," Alec replied, wrapping an arm around Magnus and squeezing him tight.

"Nothing has been decided—"

"I'm excited for you anyway. About anything. About everything. About _us_ , Magnus," which seemed to be the exact thing Magnus wanted to hear right then, judging by the way he pressed himself up against Alec and kissed him as though he was never going to stop.

As Magnus dropped his head to bury in Alec's neck and wrapped his arms around him tight, Alec looked out over Magnus' shoulder at the park. He watched the small pond where kids yelled at each other from their paddle boats whilst their parents sat lazily on the small bank of grass nearby sipping on drinks to keep them cool in the heat of the sun, and knew contentment.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***warnings***
> 
> Okay, a few things to be aware of in this chapter. We're going to hear about the fire Alec was injured in, and deaths that occurred in that fire. We're going to hear about Alec's mental state, because he's really not okay. He's been doing great, but there are really some things he is still going through that he needs to address. I promise you, Alec will be absolutely fine, he's got amazing people around him!


	17. Epilogue(s)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... we're done! Really can't believe we're at the end of this one already; it's gone faster than any other multi-chapter for me I think! Thank you to everyone who has read along and commented 🥰

**Alec**

_**Three months later again...** _

"It's really good to finally meet you, Magnus."

Alec beamed with pride as Jace took Magnus' outstretched hand to shake, hoping the welcoming smile on Jace's face would take away the panic he knew Magnus was still feeling.

"Likewise," Magnus replied, with what to Alec sounded like uncharacteristic nerves. He rested a reassuring hand on Magnus' lower back as he turned to his younger brother. "And you must be Max."

"Alec says you make the best chocolate cake in the world."

Of course Max's first words to Magnus would be about _food_. Magnus, though worried about how Jace would greet him, was apparently prepared for Max, patting the stool Alec normally sat on and walking back behind the counter.

"Would you like a slice?"

"Of _course_."

"Anybody else?" Magnus asked as he ducked to pull the cake from the counter.

"I'll try some," Jace said, hopping up beside Max once he was sat.

"I'll have pie," Alec said when Magnus raised an eyebrow for him.

"I was hoping you would say that. I was at the farmer's market yesterday and wanted to try something with berries."

"So. This is where you spend your time now, Alec?" Jace asked as Magnus busied himself with cutting cake and pie, and also making tea, which Jace and Max _would_ at least be trying, Alec thought to himself with a glare for them both when they went to turn down Magnus' offer.

"Yeah. It is."

"I like it a lot."

" _Cool_. Look at this," Max said then, leaning across the counter for a graphic novel someone had left behind. Jace beat Alec to it when Max leaned too far and his stool almost toppled.

"Well. If you'd like, tomorrow we can visit my friend Maia, who owns the comic book store near here."

"We can't we go _now_?"

"Max," Jace said in warning, making Max roll his eyes and mumble, _fine_ under his breath. Alec checked Magnus' expression when he turned around with their slices of cake, glad to see he was unfazed.

"Tell me what you think," Magnus said, sliding a large wedge of pie in front of Alec where he was leaning at the end of the counter. Though before he could try it a customer came in. Alec picked up his plate and moved around to Jace's side to give them room.

"So. Your new job's starting soon," Jace said around a mouthful of cake.

"Yeah, finally. I mean, I _say_ finally. It just seems like it's taken forever, but they haven't really kept us waiting too long. Luke said the money was already earmarked for a post, and they just need to put a good proposal together to get all the bases covered before they signed off on it."

"That's _great_ , Alec. I'm _so_ proud of you. I can't even begin to tell you."

Alec bumped his arm against Jace's shoulder, both grateful and embarrassed for his praise. He caught Magnus' smile for him as well and knew further relief. Jace and Magnus might be a little cautious around one another, but things so far seemed good between them.

"Try your new pie; this is _amazing_ ," Jace added with a nod towards Alec's plate as he took another bite of his cake. Max also seemed to approve of the cake for the way he was shoveling it into his mouth, spraying the counter with crumbs in the process.

Alec could tell Magnus was itching to wipe up after him even while serving a customer. He hid his smile, slicing through his pie crust with his fork and taking a bite, the berry filling the perfect mix of sweet and tart.

"This is perfect," he mouthed at Magnus when he looked in his direction.

"Gimme some of that."

Jace was already helping himself to Alec's pie so it was only fair he lean over him, taking a bite of the chocolate cake he'd eaten so many slices of already. Magnus watched them since he'd finished serving his customer, looking at Alec with the fondest of smiles. Alec winked back, which put light in Magnus' eyes, before he clapped his hands together and got back to work.

Over tea, Jace caught Alec up on the news he'd yet to share with him, as Alec did the same. Max horrified the both of them with his own stories from school, making Alec think that out of the three Lightwood brothers Max might turn out the most troublesome.

They moved to a table when more customers came in, Alec constantly checking to see if Magnus needed any help so he wasn't run off his feet. Though Magnus made serving multiple customers seem effortless, moving between tables and chatting with customers as though he hadn't a care in the world. When he paused at their table resting his hands on Alec's shoulders, he allowed himself to sag a little.

"I am very glad Dot is taking over in a couple of hours," Magnus told him with a soft sigh. Alec leaned back and looked up at him, earning himself a smile. Magnus' week had been so busy, with Chairman Meow and Church needing a check up at the veterinary office, Book Night finishing far later than normal, and extra parcels of tea requested for a customer who wanted samples for a house-warming gift, all on top of his usual work. And of course, lying awake worrying what Alec's family might think of him.

Though Alec thought at least his mom had done enough to put Magnus at ease. Magnus had offered to take her out for dinner the previous evening since his mom, Jace, and Max had arrived earlier in the day. Magnus had stood politely as Alec and Maryse had walked in to the restaurant, and found himself being pulled into a tight hug. Alec didn't know what his mom had whispered to him and didn't want to ask, but it had put a smile on Magnus' face that had lasted all night.

"Can you bring some more of that chocolate cake tonight?" Max said then as Magnus moved to leave the table.

"I already have a full one out in the kitchen ready," Magnus replied, "along with a second cake. With caramel, and fudge, and vanilla sponge."

Max _grinned_ up at him, instantly won over. Alec took his turn to beam at Magnus in pride.

"What are we cooking tonight, Alec?" Jace asked watching Magnus' retreating back and smiling.

"Lasagne. I prepared everything yesterday morning before you got here. Just need to put it in the oven when we're ready."

"I hope there's _lots_ ," Max said, eyes wide and rubbing his stomach.

"I made enough for like… fourteen, instead of the seven of us. There'll be enough."

"And that garlic bread you make?" Max added, tugging on his sleeve.

"A ton of that too."

" _Yes_ ," Max said, punching his fist in the air before looking out the window pretending to be indifferent.

"Looks like Mom's here," Jace said then, also looking out the window. Alec turned to see her swinging the door open with the biggest smile on her face that he thought he'd seen in years.

"My boys," she declared when she saw them at the table, though to everyone's surprise it was Magnus she went to first. Magnus looked both touched and startled as she hugged him around the dishes he was carrying, awkwardly patting her on the back.

"It's good to see you again, Maryse."

"And you. So, this is _Leaves_?" she said, turning to look the cafe over. "Alec's told me so much about it. Magnus, it's _perfect_."

"Thank you."

Alec quickly cleared their table so they could go back to the counter to join them, not wanting Magnus to feel overwhelmed. "Mom," he said, kissing her cheek in passing as he took everything through to the kitchen. "What took you so long? I thought you were just going to see the firehouse?"

It had seemed like an odd idea at the time, with Alec thinking his mom might enjoy a few days away with nothing to do with work. Though from the brightness in her eyes and excitement in her smile, he could tell there was something else going on for her.

"Oh, Luke insisted we go for coffee," Maryse said, flicking her hair behind her shoulder in the way Alec had seen Izzy do when she first met Clary. Flustered, and jittery, and _thrilled_. He wondered if he did something similar when first meeting Magnus, then narrowed his eyes in suspicion for what it could possibly mean for his _mom_.

"Yeah, Alec. What are the odds you'd end working for—or at least with—Mom's old flame?" Jace said in teasing. Mom looked even _more_ flustered.

"Yeah," Alec agreed, "funny how he never even _mentioned_ that until I said you were visiting." He intended to tease Luke about it for _weeks_.

"Magnus, I have a gift for you," Maryse said giving both Alec and Jace a blushing look of reproach.

Magnus paused from wiping down the counter with a look of surprise. "For me?"

"Yes," Maryse said, reaching into the black cotton bag she had the straps of tucked over her arm. Alec watched as she pulled out a thick, hardbacked notebook that she slid across the counter to Magnus. "This was my grandmother's. When Alec first told me about you, and about _Leaves_ , it reminded me of when I was a very young girl. My grandmother was a firm believer in natural remedies for everything. But more than anything, she liked to experiment with tea. I thought, since you are another tea aficionado, that you would enjoy reading through some of her recipes."

Alec watched Magnus' fingers delicately stroke over the cover of the notebook, the softness in his expression telling him just how touched he was. He wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him close, smiling when Magnus leaned on him.

"Maryse, this is wonderful. Thank you."

"There is even an old family recipe from my great great grandmother, for a kind of sponge cake infused with tea."

"Then we'll have to try it," Magnus said, looking back at her with a warm smile.

Alec didn't think he could be happier. He had his family visiting for a few days, he had a new job on the horizon, and he had Magnus, who his entire family already loved. He pressed a kiss to Magnus' shoulder, going through to the kitchen to wash the few dishes already accumulated, listening to Magnus and his family as they talked, helplessly smiling for his luck.

* * *

**Magnus**

**_One year later…_ **

"Magnus, my dear."

Magnus smiled at Ragnor's greeting and accepted his one-armed hug, watching him then wind his way through the tables of Leaves and slump down opposite Catarina with a nod over at Alec and a smile for Simon. Looking away again, Magnus flipped the _closed_ sign of Leaves and took a final glance out into the street, waving at a customer he recognized as they called out in passing. Bolting the door firmly now that everyone was inside, Magnus pressed a further sign against the glass that read _closed for a private party_ and checked it was in place, then turned back to the swell of noise behind him to observe.

Jace was stood talking with Alec, Andrew, and Luke, and Magnus had no doubt in his mind about their subject of discussion. Maia, Izzy, and Clary were cooking up some kind of mischief at one of the tables, Maia's laughter ringing out around the cafe signaling she was the ringleader of whatever was coming. And to Magnus' delight, Raphael was _smiling_. Partly, he thought, for Simon being beside him as they spoke to Catarina and Ragnor at the table next to theirs. Though Raphael was also enjoying giving Luke silent, though teasing stares any chance he got; especially when _Maryse_ rejoined him from the kitchen after bringing through a plateful of cake that she slid on to Izzy's table before tucking back into Luke's side.

Magnus was so touched that Maryse and Jace had come all the way from New York to take part in a celebration for _him_. Only Max was missing, for being in the middle of an exam period at school. Alec had insisted on celebrating Magnus getting his manuscript for his finally completed book approved. It was early days, but Magnus had the distinct impression he was going to be bombarded with emails from the publisher's proofreaders. Coupled with his regular writing, the hours he put in at Leaves and the blog for it that he, Alec, and Maia were working on together, the next few months were going to be incredibly busy. But Alec had been so very proud of and happy for him that Magnus didn't have it in him to refuse a little pause for this celebration.

Dot had agreed to take on some additional hours, in effect taking over the day to day running of the cafe for Magnus. Although he loved Leaves and had no intention of ever giving it up, he looked forward to being able to sit in its corners and write as someone else did a lot of the work he would normally do himself. Magnus would be free to concentrate on the things he loved best about Leaves. He really couldn't wait.

There was a screech of laughter that called Magnus' attention back as he made his way through the tables to join Alec. Ragnor had clearly stolen Dot's seat and left no space for her to sit at the table, and to deal with this Dot shrugged with ease, sliding the large teapot she was bringing from behind the counter down on to the table and sitting herself in Ragnor's lap. Laughing, Ragnor raised his hands to Dot's waist to hoist her up again, but Dot was having none of it. Ragnor's pitiful _help me, please_ to Catarina only earned him a raucous round of laughter. Eventually, and with some tugging, Simon ended up in Raphael's lap to make room. Much to Magnus' surprise Raphael only looked startled for a moment, before securing his arms around Simon's waist and continuing the conversation he'd begun with Catarina. Dot poured Ragnor a cup of tea with a stern look that Ragnor seemed delighted for receiving.

Shaking his head to himself and smiling, Magnus' gaze swept back to Maia and Clary, who were _racing_ to balance forks across their wine glasses. Clary kept calling out to try to put Maia off. Izzy distracted her with a kiss, leaving Maia free to cheer at herself in victory. She received a high five from Izzy behind Clary's back, and Clary in turn received kisses for her pouting. The look of smugness on her face when Izzy pulled back said that all three of them had really won.

Alec was watching them, and caught Magnus' eye as he did, winking at him across the tables since Magnus hadn't yet made it across to him for being pulled over by Catarina.

"Hey. There you are," Alec said when he finally joined him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Magnus. Can I borrow you for a minute?"

Magnus echoed his smile effortlessly and leaned in for another kiss before nodding in agreement then squeezing his hand. Andrew and Luke stepped to the side to give them room to pass, though not without a _comment_ about _displays in public_. Jace clasped Alec's arm as he passed him, pulling him in and whispering something that Magnus couldn't hear.

Alec squeezed Magnus' hand then tugged so he knew he wanted him to follow. Magnus did just that, finding himself moments later in the Leaves kitchen behind a door that he'd personally never closed, and took Alec a couple of tries to get to stay shut.

Curious, Magnus had a moment worrying that something was wrong; Alec had recently decided to reduce the number of therapy sessions he'd been having since that incident involving the ditch and the cat which they both found hilarious now they were viewing it from so far away. But Alec's smile for him was warm, and the way he slipped his arms around Magnus' waist was reassuring, and the kiss he pulled him in for was quickly in danger of spilling over into something inappropriate for the presence of those people on the other side of that door.

"Just wanted you to myself for a minute," Alec mumbled against Magnus' lips before wrapping his arms tightly around him and gave a sigh that sounded a lot like relief. "Feels like I've not seen you for hours."

"Well. I've been right here," Magnus replied, though with a smile on his face reflecting just how warm Alec's words had made him.

"Yeah," Alec agreed, kissing him again, " _working_. Looking after us all; this was _supposed_ to be a thing for _you_ , Magnus."

"And I am enjoying my celebration," Magnus said, returning his kisses. "Thank you for organizing it. I know you've been so busy preparing for your new work—"

"There is nothing— _nothing_ —more important to me than you," Alec told him, interrupting. "Not work, or anything."

Magnus' heart swelled with love, and with knowing just how much he was loved. He wrapped his arms around Alec drawing him into a hug, that turned into Alec swaying him in his arms in time to the music they could still hear from behind the door.

"I mean it, Alexander," Magnus said, murmuring against his shoulder. "Thank you so much for organizing today. It means the world to me."

"Magnus. Everyone is so excited for you. You deserve all of this. Seriously."

"Thank you."

"I mean it," Alec insisted, pulling back so he could see his face. "Are you enjoying being the center of attention? Even if Raphael is apparently stealing everyone's attention by actually _smiling_ for once?"

"We need photographic evidence or it didn't happen."

Alec smiled, pulling his phone from his pocket, scrolling through to show him Maia's Instagram. "It's already documented."

"But of course."

"So, you're liking having that _private party_ sign on display?" Alec said in tease as he slid his phone back into his pocket.

Magnus' fingers shot up to his ear cuff but Alec was quicker, taking his hand to kiss the back of and squeezing it down by their sides. "I suppose."

"Good. Although—"

Alec cut him off with another amused kiss, wrapping his arms around Magnus' waist. Magnus sighed his way into it crossing his arms behind Alec's head and pressing himself up against him, losing himself in Alec's embrace. Alec's hands secure around his waist as he rocked him in his arms was a very easy thing to lose himself to, Magnus thought, letting his eyes fall closed and his weight sag where he knew he would be held up.

"Back up a minute for me, Magnus, huh?"

At Alec slipping his hands to grasp at his hips and gently nudge Magnus back, he moved, having no time to protest because Alec was then lifting him in that effortless way of his up and on to the kitchen counter. Alec's hands were warm as they brushed their way up Magnus' thighs, and a different kind of heat entirely fired between them.

"Actually," Alec said then, his tone making Magnus' heart give a thud of anticipation, "there was something I've been thinking I needed to talk to you about."

Magnus only nodded, because the look in Alec's eyes made any words impossible for him. Alec grinned, reaching up to the cupboard next to Magnus' head, sliding the door back without even breaking eye contact. Magnus caught a glimpse of a small box in Alec's hand as he dropped it back down again into his lap, and his heartbeat sped up another notch.

"Now; I'm not very good at all the whole... I mean. You're the expert when it comes to saying all the right things, Magnus—"

"I am _not_ ," Magnus managed to blast out with laughter tingeing his words at the very idea of it; because how many times in his life had he wished he had the very right things to say and failed to find them?

"You are to me," Alec argued, with so much love in his expression that already Magnus' eyes were beginning to prick with tears. Was what he thought was about to happen really about to happen, or was he living in one of his fantasies that were better placed between the pages of a book?

"Hey," Alec said on seeing it, gently gripping around Magnus' waist, "if you've guessed what's coming, why are there tears in your eyes? Magnus, this is supposed to be a _happy_ thing."

His heart racing even faster and Magnus was helpless to hold in the sob that blasted out of his mouth. "I am happy, Alexander; you make me so very happy."

"Well, that's a good start."

A tap against Magnus' leg had him looking down, his stomach turning over at the confirmation of the small black box gripped in Alec's fingers and pressing there. Now that he had Magnus' attention, Alec reached out with his other hand and pulled the box open with a soft creak, revealing two simple, beautiful, solid-looking matching rings. His arm trembled down by his side until he brought his hand up to grip Magnus' thigh; likely to steady himself.

"What do you think, Magnus?" Alec said, his slight shifting from side to side continuing to his attempt at trying to hide his nerves. "Think you'll get through me proposing to you without your heart leaping out of your chest like I can _hear_ it trying to do? Or me tripping over my words?"

"We can try," Magnus replied, hearing his own voice catch. Alec stared back at him for a second then slid his hands to the counter either side of him and bent his head down in front of Magnus, laughing at himself.

"I'm not sure I'm going to get a single word out," Alec confessed with a catch in his voice. Magnus jolted for him suddenly leaning forward to bury his head into the crook of his neck. Magnus ran his hands repeatedly over his shoulders when he realized just how hard Alec was trembling.

"Alec," he mumbled leaning back, "this is... this—"

"No, I can do this," Alec told him, a quick squeeze over his knees as he straightened back up, sounding very much like he was trying to reassure himself. "So. Here's the thing. Bear with me."

"Okay."

Alec slotted his fingers through Magnus' free hand and pressed them there against his leg, breathing out slow, and hard. "I didn't... I never thought I'd get to have a day like this, when I'm so sick with nerves with what I've been rehearsing to say to you in the mirror since I bought these damn rings a month ago."

"A month?" Magnus repeated, his own nerves feeling that they were calming a touch for hearing Alec's so openly on display.

"Yeah." Alec laughed then, shaking his head at himself as he needed to pause again. "I'd been looking for the right ones for… a _long_ time before then. I kept thinking I'd know what to say once I saw the right ones."

"Alec. You could have drawn a ring on my finger, and it would have been perfect."

"Well, _now_ you tell me," Alec said as he laughed again, and Magnus was relieved to hear that he was also relaxing. "But seriously; you're right. I finally figured out it didn't really matter what these looked like. But that we both want this is all that counts. Right, Magnus?"

"Of course," Magnus agreed, swallowing hard, bravely reaching out to stroke over the surface of the rings and set his heart off thudding all over again in the process.

"So, Magnus," Alec said, so obviously having difficulty swallowing himself, "you already make me happier than I ever knew I could be. Before you, I didn't—I didn't know I could love this _much_. And I do; I _love_ you, Magnus. More than I… there's just no way for me to tell you how much you mean to me, and how much you _complete_ me, without—there just aren't enough _words_ , Magnus."

Magnus thumbed away the tears from the corners of Alec's eyes, smiling when Alec sniffled and got a kiss to his thumb pad before wrapping him up in a tight hug.

"I love you too, Alexander," he replied, muffled into Alec's shoulder. "You are my entire world."

"And you're mine," Alec told him, pulling back to hold him at arm's length. "And I _need_ you, Magnus. I'll always need you."

"Well. I am yours to do whatever you want with."

" _Good_ ," Alec said, rearranging the ring box on Magnus' lap.

Magnus' heart sped up to what felt an impossible rate leaving him breathing hard, covering Alec's hands where they pressed shakily against his thighs and squeezing them, then forcing his fingers into the gaps between Alec's.

"I love you, Magnus; will you marry me?" Alec asked quietly, staring at him as though fearful Magnus might look away. "Spend the rest of your life with me, and grow old together, and all that stuff? Maybe adopt a hundred cats?"

Magnus felt himself nodding before he could get any words to form, so overwhelmed with emotion that it took a few attempts to answer. "Yes, please," he replied, his voice croaking with his tears. He looked down at the ring now held between Alec's shaking fingers then back up to his face, dropping their foreheads together before pulling back to smile. "Yes to all of it. Yes, Alexander, I will marry you. Of course I will."

The weight of the ring being slid on to his finger was the thing that settled him; Alec squeezed his fingertips around the ring and smiled in obvious relief on finding it was a perfect fit. Magnus plucked the other ring from the box and slid that down over Alec's ring finger as well, both of them staring for a moment before breaking out into laughter, then gripping tight around each other's arms, beaming smiles of excitement at one another.

The kiss that followed was another that they lost themselves to; Alec pulled Magnus until he was sitting on the very edge of the kitchen counter and kept him from falling by pressing back firmly between his legs. Another kiss followed, another sense of forgetting everything but each other until Ragnor was slamming back the kitchen door demanding that they come back out to see their guests. Jace chased him in seconds after, wide-eyed and with a look for Alec that said _I'm sorry, I tried to stop him_.

One look down at Alec's hand splayed around Magnus' thigh, with his eyes narrowing in on the ring there and his smile splitting wide, and Ragnor was whistling. He turned dramatically on his heel with his hands held high in the air in celebration nudging Jace to the side, then loudly announced to the entire cafe that Alec and Magnus were now engaged. And as a collective round of cheering and hollering went on just out of their sight, Alec held out his hand for Magnus to hold on to as he hopped down from the counter.

"You ready?" Alec asked with a wink as he squeezed Magnus' hand.

Magnus smiled, leaned in for one final kiss before squaring his shoulders and tilting his head towards the door, letting Alec lead him through it to a round of applause.


End file.
